Dancing with the Stars recap: Season 12 Winner Is....

In the season 12 finale of Dancing With the Stars, NFL superstar Hines Ward was able to achieve what Tom Bergeron’s voiceover hauntingly called “success in an environment where the odds are heavily in favor of failure.” I love how the writers have gradually turned this pleasant slab of American cheese into a dark and stormy torture chamber over the course of 12 seasons. Gotta keep ’em on their twinkle toes.

Chelsea Kane took third place despite her technical prowess, and Kirstie Alley wedged her way into second. Makes sense to me. Hines may not have been the best dancer, but he got the most votes. Same sparkle, different season. No need to dwell on the outcome. I love Hines and Kym and they deserved the COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY as much as anyone. Throwing Kym’s spinal cord on the line during rehearsals for their semifinal lifts? Totally worth it. Check out the heft of that gem. So many facets!

The Black Eyed Peas beamed over from whatever planet they live on to treat us to the network TV premiere (ugh, this is a thing) of “Don’t Stop the Party.” Now we know what all those stray lasers have been rehearsing for all season in our beloved ballroom. This was it! This was their time to shine. Will.i.am.so.relieved.to.finally.have.an.explanation.

NEXT: Psycho Mike tries out for the Troupe. What a feeling! Psycho Mike Catherwood had me open-mouth-gaping the longest last night with his prolonged Flashdance-esque audition and subsequent performance with the DWTS Troupe. It was so strange to be forced to see the well-intentioned troupe members as real, live Sparkaliens instead of dirty decoys for Our Pros. Some of their reaction shots to Mike were priceless, especially after ridiculous lines like “The things I’ve done for U.S.A. Dancing — heh — I can’t even speak of.” He almost fell short after gesturing for audience approval with his crotch at the top of the dance, but luckily there was Lacey to lend him some cred in half of a black fringed bodysuit.

Just throwing this out there: I could look at Psycho Mike prancing around (or even stationary) in his tie-dyed lycra onesie for hours. ABC, please consider placing him in the bottom right corner — instead of your logo — for all of season 13.

Up next was a STORY OF THE SEASON segment to lead us down the long and winding Mammary Lane. I’m beginning to think that all of season 12 — if not the entire series — can be summed up with the following choice quotes.

“I am, like, a Dancing With the Stars ho.” –Kirstie Alley

“Well, then maybe you should be a stripper.” –Louis Van Intensité

Maybe.

Ah, the magic of liiiiiiiiiive TV! As Tom had promised, a very special guest touched down to the ballroom to surprise the most beautiful/generous (perhaps the most esteemed hybrid of all) woman in the world, Petra Nemcova. Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” had helped Petra get through the devastating Thailand tsunami, and suddenly Josh Groban was standing right there in the middle of Petra and Dmitry’s waltz, scruffy as the ballroom would allow, the back of his suit bathed in spotlight-sparkles. Petra, who appeared to have acquired her bejeweled headpiece from Princess Sparkle’s line of Nayaris called Crystals By Carmen, freaked out, but in the sweetest, gentlest manner, as is her way. So lovely! ‘Twas a Mirrorballus moment for the ages.

Press play below if you don’t know who Josh Groban is.

Don’t follow those instructions, though. Too extreme.

NEXT: Season 12 reaches its full potential as Louis sets Kendra’s boobs on fireAfter a routine TNT procedure caused her bra to explode in the Red Room, Kendra Wilkinson was back full-force to shimmy around four male pro admirers. She kept caressing one of those dirty decoys (Tristan, I believe, and yes, we’re back to name-calling) in the face via the power of her trimmed butt fringe (EWWWWW.com). This left Louis Van Intensité and his proceed-with-caution yellow vest to feel as marginalized as the Troupe Girls gyrating atop the platform during the opening group number. In Kendra’s most ladylike move of the season, she managed to hold in an F-bomb after nearly plummeting to her death from atop the judges’ table. A marvel!

“AND IN THE CELEBRUARIUM…”

No, “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Man, no! A hearty sparkle-champagne cheers to Michael Buffer for attempting to February-ize the non-word celebriquarium, but that was just not working. No worries! The WWE-worthy showdown between Sugar Ray Leonard & Anna and Chris Jericho & Cheryl was overall a great way to welcome them back. But after Chris’ spot-on Bruno impression, it turned out they hadn’t needed to dance at all. “I don’t understand half of what you’re saying, but I love it!”

Wendy Williams was never into that whole “dancing” thing, so she did a segment on her talk show featuring herself and her season 12 partner Tony. Awkward! Then, wherefore art thou, Romeo‘s glasses that made him look so much sexier and sophisticated? Not on his face for their angelic waltz set to Princess Sparkle squawking Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love.” Lo and behold, a children’s choir emerged from the ballroom ether! Because he’s doing this for them. He waltzes for the kidz. If those few dozen cherubs don’t immediately hit Romeo up on Twitter after this, it will all have been for naught. (Cue adorable left-to-left handshake between Romeo and Tom!)

NEXT: But Officer Maks, I didn’t know your ass was a no-parking zone!Wait, so you’re telling me Maks is now a police officer, wielding his night stick in the ballroom, soon to be flanked by three of Our Pros in girly ’80s outfits to fit in with the Go-Gos? Ho, hum. Just another Tuesday on Planet Mirrorballus. I loved this, but — at least until September — [cue the voice of Lucille Bluth at Klimpy’s] “Don’t ever mention ‘Macy’s Design-a-Dance‘ to me again!”

Ralph and Karina performed one of their favorite dances, which just happened to co-star one of my favorite band members, (Impeccably Manicured Trumpeter), and one of my favorite hobbies, (collapsing into a heap with handsome young men in hats behind a bar)! This quickstep was a win-win for everyone. Very classy.

Sexy! Seh-seh-seh-sexayyyy! The extended spoken-word remix of season 12 was amazing, even if it could have used a “Seh-seh-seh-seh-vennnn!” just when you never wanted it to end.

Down the homestretch, Chelsea and Mark danced their Wizard Waltz, Kirstie and half of her Week 1 dress danced the cha cha with Maks, and Hines and Kym did the samba for his mama. Everyone got a 30, of course. I feel like this last round was really about Kirstie’s weight loss. It was important to show people where she started and where she ended up as a dancer. Or in Maks’ words: “Look at you, you’re not passed out.” Kudos to Kirstie — have you heard she’s 60? Sixty! — for her stunning transformation from a sad lump of coal to a 100% Fruit Cocktail of Effervescent Fun.

“And that’s it!”

Your hidden gems of the season 12 finals! Check ’em out. Here’s a taste.

Tom Bergeron “snapping to attention” Tuesday night after Brooke threw to him following Hines and Kym’s final samba. –Ha! We gem hunters see you!

“Len Goodman not wearing his seatbelt in his vanity-plated limo. Buckle up for safety, DANCMSTR!” —DWTSMirrorball

And many more….

Look for my weekly chat with Tom Bergeron later today. Update: Here’s Tom!

Press the little triangle below to hear my final springtime chat with Our Host.

Thank you for a great season, Dancing With the Stars. Thanks to Anna Tre-BUN-skaya for being so fond of ending routines in the splits. Thanks to all the brands of raspberry sorbet for setting aside their differences and conspiring in peace to create Brooke’s finale dress. Thanks to Maks’ butt. All praise to thee, my Lord Mirrorballus, this night. And most of all, thanks to you coveted mirrorball DANCMSTRs for reading.

“We’re such idiots, really.” –Kirstie Alley

See you in a few months, Enthusiastic Comment Ladies and Gentlemen!

XOXO,

EW.com’s Fringe Fairy

Annie on Twitter

More on ‘Dancing With the Stars’:

Hines: ‘I’m not going to apologize for winning’

Maksim Chermkovskiy hints about ‘DWTS’ future

Your Hidden Gems of the season 12 finals!

Ask Annie a question on VYou

All of Annie’s ‘DWTS’ episode recaps