They made HOW MANY Scorpion King films?!

I feel like this is a fever dream. This is some through-the-looking-glass stuff. I have to write this completely unstructured rant to get this off my chest.

They made FIVE Scorpion King films. FIVE. That's insane, that's absolutely mad.

The original one came out in 2002 and was a spin-off of the 1999 Mummy adaptation with Brendan Fraser. It starred Dwayne The Rock Johnson (his first leading role). Weirdly enough it also had Bernard Hill (King Theoden) and Carlisle from Twilight. It got mixed reviews and made around $180 million on a budget of $60 million. After marketing, etc, that's not bad but not amazing either. The character of the Scorpion King is most famous for being the big bad at the end of The Mummy Returns (and the iconic ass-level CGI).

I remember watching it when I was young as I loved The Mummy (1999). It was very forgettable.

Today I found out that they made FOUR MORE. How is this possible? I'm completely baffled. The Mummy series itself only got three films - four if we count that godawful Tom Cruise remake (I don't). Three films for The Mummy, but FIVE for The Scorpion King. HOW?

The latest one came out in 2018! 16 years of Scorpion King films! I need to make this clear that absolutely nobody I've talked to has heard of this series. At all. At best, they barely remember that the first film existed.

They didn't even release in cinemas - the four Scorpion King sequels were all direct-to-video or direct-to-DVD! Did anyone make a profit on this? Is this a money laundering scheme? Who's sitting in a boardroom thinking "Yeah we should make another Scorpion King film" because - apparently - that sentence gets said WAAAY more than you'd think?

The rabbit hole goes further. They couldn't get Dwayne Johnson for any of the sequels, so instead they just cast someone else as his character (Mathayus) in the next one, and the next one, and the next one, up to the last. Clearly, the Scorpion King just regenerates into a new face between movies like he's The Doctor.

In the 2nd film, the villain is played by someone called Randy Couture. That's all I have. From a Wikipedia trawl, he's a UFC champion, but you can't persuade me that 'Randy Couture' is NOT a porn name. I mean, come on...

The 3rd film had Billy Zane and Ron Perlman (???). The 4th film had Michael Biehn in it (yes, the guy from The Terminator). WHO PERSUADED THESE PEOPLE TO TAKE THESE ROLES? WHAT ARE THEY GETTING PAID?!

They're even planning on making a 6th film. A SIXTH. What collective madness has infected these people?! And, even better, Dwayne Johnson is going to be the producer. I guess he's looking back on his career and is really missing the heady glory days of The Scorpion King. Of course, he will be working closely with his screenwriter: the guy who wrote Straight Outta Compton. You can't make this up. Again, this has to be a money laundering scheme. There's no way these people are just super excited about the potential of Scorpion King 6 - a film which they are planning to set in the modern day??? Huh? Scorpion King 6: Lost in New York?

The more I learn about this franchise, the more feverish I feel. This has to be a fabrication.

In 2002, the Scorpion King went up against Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for Best Fantasy Film.

WHAT.

Funnily enough, it was nominated alongside Reign of Fire - a film about dragons being found in the London Underground and taking over the world. 2002 was wild for films. I guess it was a super tough call for the judges there...

Some of these plot summaries are hilarious.

'...the group reach Akkad, where Sargon turns on a machine that dumps oil into the water supply. The oil and water begin to flow through statues into the city, which is then set on fire.' (naturally)

'...Mathayus fights through to Sargon but finds his own father, who turns out to be Sargon in disguise.' (what in the telenovela?)

'Sargon turns into a giant invisible scorpion...' (My absolute favorite. They clearly didn't have the budget for a giant VISIBLE scorpion)

'It is later revealed Mathayus and Silda shared a kiss on the night of their earlier party.' (ok?)

'...they take it to the Temple of the Goddess, presided over by High Priestess Feminina. The Key inserts into a symbolic hole in a Goddess statue...' (uh huh)

'On their way through the forest, they are captured by a pygmy tribe lead by Onus' (eh?)

'...he is covered in fire, but does not burn...' (Mother of Dragons)

'Valina and Mathayus kiss.' (he can't keep getting away with this)

'Tala frees the blacksmith and heals him with the stings of scorpions' (do not try this at home)

I think I need to buy the box set of these films, and marathon them while getting absolutely wasted. There's no way that these films aren't goofy as shit.