It's my twentieth birthday and I'm going to kill myself. I wasn't sure until an hour or two ago, but I'm sure now. I've already said goodbye to my sister, although she doesn't understand yet, and there's no one left to say goodbye to. I always planned to kill myself on my twentieth birthday, from the time I was little. I haven't written a note, but that's fine, I don't need to. I wish I'd had time to buy some books I wanted to give to some people, but I have around $600 in my bank account--maybe I'll taxi to the bookstore, buy the books, label who they're for, and then die in a couple of hours. I wasn't crying before, I felt calm, but I can't stop crying now, because I went onto the online crisis chat page, but it's only open Wednesday through Sunday, and I just thought, but that's too late. I called my only friend to ask if she wanted to go shopping, but she didn't pick up the phone, and there's no one left to save me. I'm going to die, tonight, and they'll find my corpse in a day or two. I wish I could wait until tomorrow and see what happens, but there's no time, I have to do it tonight.
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Do you want to talk? Just send me a message and I'll listen to you
sent
i’m sure it would be easier if you did it, but the fact you’re reaching up means you don’t really want to kill yourself. you just want support, and people who genuinely care and will be by your side at all times. i’m in a terrible, terrible mind state rn, and been thinking about it too. but i think maybe i could be of some use =^ pls pm me before doing anything permanent <3 i would feel even worse if someone who did nothing wrong killed themselves out of sadness :/
That's enormously true, but there's literally no one who cares, at least not real people offline.
you have to know not always you’ll find those people in real life, but the online world is HUGE. you’ll certainly find that person someday. this thread is esp gud for it =^ here people generally just wanna give a lil help. a friendship can come afterwards. a reliable one, where you feel safe :x
Hey man (or woman),
I’m glad to see you didn’t give up last night. I know sometimes it feels like the world is swallowing you up, and that’s a lot to handle.
We all want support and people to talk to, and luckily the online community makes it easy to find people most likely to understand how you feel, but sometimes you will find that there’s no one available at the moment. But being unavailable isn’t the same thing as not caring. Everyone has things going on in their lives that are unavoidable to deal with and interfere with their relationships. It could be they’re breaking up with their significant other at the moment that prevents them from getting back to you, or it could be something as simple as being asleep or having their phone on silent. It’s also possible they just don’t understand how you are feeling.
Because of that, it’s really important to understand that caring about yourself can be just as effective as someone else caring about you. It may be even more important because you’re the only one who is guaranteed to always be there for you. No one else can promise you that, no matter what they say. It is just physically impossible for them to always be there when you need them, even if you are what they cherish most in the world.
I can’t tell you how many times something as simple as choosing to go out for a walk rather than lay down on the couch has helped me clear my head and allowed me the time and the space to figure out why I was feeling whatever I was feeling at that moment. There are lots of small decisions we make every day to support ourselves, you just have to always keep what’s best for you versus what is most appealing to you in mind. I think you’ve even demonstrated caring for yourself by coming here and reaching out. Killing yourself is what seems the most appealing to you, but it is certainly not what’s best for you. Keep making steps like these and I promise you will begin to feel differently about life. It’s a slow process, but the slower it is, the more likely it is to stick.
Dude i am 20 years old and have seen my sister suicide attempts many times, picked her from the hospital. Going to send you a message. Please respond.
Please don't.
No, you aren't. There are so many things you can do with your life, why waste it? My life has sucked majorly too, but there were some good moments and I'm glad I chose to keep going. Tell me why you think your life doesn't count?
I know the certainty you’re feeling, it’s so consuming. The only thing that got me out of it was checking into a mental health ward. That was a year ago and I’m turning 21 next month. Msg whenevs op
Please don't do this to your self. You have a value in your self more than you know. Please let me know what's going on.
if you can't find someone, check out Kati Morton and Jordan Peterson on YouTube. they really helped me. all the best :)
This. Especially Kati Morton. She helped me so much a few years ago.
Please respond or dm me and let me know you're alive. You have people that care for you myself included.
I'm still alive.
Please don't. I know it seems like it's over, but it isn't. What makes you feel this way? What's going on? If you waited until you were 20, why can't you wait another year? Listen, I don't know why are you feeling this way, but I beg you to give life another chance. Yes, another, despite all the others you already gave. I know I don't know you offline and stuff, but online people are real people. Unfortunately they're not there to hug you or look at you in the eye, but I, as much as all the people that commented here, really care about you and your well being. Please, give me a sign of life. Talk to me or something, just let me know you're still here. I beg you.
Hey there friend, any books you’d like to recommend for me? These feelings will pass.
They won't, I planned it too long ago. I can't live any longer than this, I'll be too old, I promised myself years and years ago I'd kill myself on my twentieth.
I'm not sure what you like.
Human Acts by Han Kang is very good. I took it out from the library and didn't get to finish it. Maybe you can finish it for me. It's literary fiction about how people who've experienced terrible atrocities cope or fail to cope with seeing the horribleness of human nature.
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro is a genre novel, but feels more like litfic. It's about adults who were students at a mysterious boarding school, and futility of hope, and how all love will fail in the end.
Howl and Other Poems by Allen Ginsberg. He was the best poet to ever live. Sucks he was a nonce.
Oscar Wilde: The Unrepentant Years. I never actually got to read this, it was too expensive, but I had an interlibrary loan request out for it. Oscar Wilde was a very wonderful person, and I have heard nothing but strong praise for this bio about the final years of his life.
Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood. She's better known for writing The Handmaid's Tale, but I also really like Alias Grace, a work of historical fiction inspired by an actual murder, and the woman who was--perhaps wrongly--accused of it.
The Merry Spinster by Daniel Mallory Ortberg. I never got to read this collection of fairy tell retellings, but since Ortberg is responsible for my favourite Beauty and the Beast retelling, I'm reasonably confident that it's a book I would very much enjoy.
We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. It's a modern classic about agoraphobia and sisters.
Anything by Frances Hardinge, but particularly Gullstruck Island, a fantasy novel about colonialism. Her books are middle grade/YA, but they're still remarkably good.
The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O'Neill. It's a sweet, beautiful graphic novel for children that tells a beautiful and short story. I've given it to all the children in my life. I'll never get to read her upcoming book Aquicorn Cove, but that's okay. I was looking forward to it, but not so very much, because I knew I'd die before it came out.
Interesting list, I’ll be sure to check these out. Mind if I PM?
Go for it!
I love to read. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this list. Hit me up if you want to talk about books sometime!
Here's a stopgap measure. I can't be certain if this is just an old wives' tale or a real story. An old man was living alone in his 80s in a rural West Virginia town, a very economically depressed area, very disconnected from society. He prides himself on self-reliance and independence, but he's slowly becoming unable to care for himself; one day, his son comes to take him to the nursing home. The old man is laying away at night; he hasn't relied on anyone for the last 50-60 years, and he's not breaking his record now. So, he gets out of bed, grabs a shotgun, and drives way up into the mountains. He parks his truck, walks deep into the woods, and ends his life. He is independent until the very date of his death, and his death is on his own terms. They find his body several weeks later.
Obviously, once you reach infirmity, suicide still isn't an option; people care for you, regardless of whether you know it or not. However, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, you're young, so keep this story, or something like it, in mind. It will sustain you until that time. It's definitely sustained me.
Holy shit, if you're still on please shoot me a message, you can't do this to yourself. There are so many good books to read and I will personally send my favourite, most loved book to your address. There are so many people who don't want you to be dead.
Hi. I'm still alive.
What is your favourite book?
I will also send you my favorite book
:O
What is your favourite book?
I know you don’t know me, but I’m glad you’re still alive. ❤️
Its a book of poems by Neil Hilborn our numbered days. You should definitely give this one a read. I will definitely send it. Please
I would actually very much like that.
If you want to talk just message me pls
please please please talk to me i hope you're still around. please stick around I'll talk to youuu. I know online people cannot have the same effect as people around you but please life has just started i understand this is your breaking point but please talk to me i am sure you will feel better. I read your book list and Allen Ginsberg is my favourite too. I love him. please message
Hi. I'm still alive--I didn't sleep last night but also didn't kill myself, which I highly regret so I'll probably do that today, maybe at noon, I'm not really decided yet.
What's your favourite Ginsberg poem? I'll be obvious and say Howl, but I really liked A Supermarket in California too.
I've pm'd you. My favourite poem by him right now is Kaddish. So happy you're alive
Hey dude, you still there? Hope you are if you want to talk or whatever just let me know
You still there? I’m sorry if you aren’t. But I want to talk. I need to talk. if you live in the US I’d like to talk to you over the phone. I’m here in the Same boat. Pm me if you just want to talk
I was feeling like that a few days ago as well. Please hang in there. the feelings are strong but they will pass eventually. feel free to pm me if you want. Calling crisis lines can help. Also, distracting yourself from the thoughts and feelings can help, like making yourself a cup of tea or reading a book you like.. I struggle with suicidal thoughts many times in my life, now early 20s as well.. Please hang in there, one day at a time.
Do you have something or someone you appreciate in your life?
Hey.
I wouldn't do it, it sounds like you are pretty smart, I think it might be a waste.
Also, your name took me like a second to catch, the genuine first laugh of the day.
Thanks for that.
Please let us know that you are okay. I am so unbelievably sorry that your going through this. If you need to talk to someone I’m here. I’ll be your friend. Please don’t kill yourself, trust me life does get better, it might be unbearable now but please hold on.
Send me a message if you want to talk.
u there?
Hey man. I'm sorry you're feeling like doing this. I myself tried suicide a little over a year ago. What's causing you to do this?
Please seek emergency help, go to a psych ER. Might feel awful right now but force yourself to do that and you'll thank yourself later. Been in your exact spot several times but have always forced myself to seek emergency help instead.
Hey, literary just made this account to see if your g? I'm 20 too so if you want to talk about anything I'm here for u yo
Hi. I'm still alive.
Please PM me. I’ve been where you are but we can help each other just please don’t leave
This is one of the most crazy and sad things I have ever met. I’ve known a lot of people in your situation and I’m urging you to send me a PM. Please do.
Text Crisis Text Line! They will answer you.
Also if you made this post that means you don't actually fully want to die. Talk to someone.
r/SWResources has what you need to understand these attempts.
These posts don't necessarily mean the person isn't going to go through with it.
Please don't. Whatever your problems are, they will pass. Look at your problems when you were 8, and think about your current problems from the perspective of a 50 year old you.
Eh, I think eight-year-old me was totally right. I tried to kill myself when I was nine and tbh, I wish it had succeeded. But I can put that to right now.
Really think about 8 y/o you's problems. What did he worry about? Was it really your current problems? Internet hug.
TBH my problems have only intensified over the years. I was a terrible child, now I'm a terrible adult, and I should have offed myself before I could have gotten to this point.
Why do you think you're a horrible adult?
I'm such a terrible person and so widely hated that I have no one to call while I wait to die. There's no one to meet up with or spend an hour or two with. There's hardly even anyone to say goodbye to. Even my sister can't stand me outside of familial obligation.
sometimes things dont get better or get worse
PM me. It may be a tad bit until I respond but I’m here for you!
Pm me if you want. I was like you, I picked 20 to die. I planned it when I was 14 ish or so. But when it came the time, I had to change my plan. I still dont do better. But I am just here. I barely care now
Why didn't you do it?
Because, when I was younger, I didnt consider my family when I planned that. Now I dont because of family. I am closeto 21 now in june 11, but still living on. And because I wasnt sure if it was worth it if it wasnt an accidental death. Where I live, suicide doesnt only affect family, but brings down their reputation and sll and stirs up nasty rumors from relatives and all. Would rather not have family deal with bullshit even after my death.
Message me I'll help you
Hey, hopefully you are still around. Maybe we can talk it out. I had the same plan back in my early childhood. I am still breathing with another set of bundle to deal with.
We are sort of alike. Maybe you can make it out of this one. There's definitely a future waiting for all of us.
I'm 25 and I feel done as well. I don't feel like writing this story anymore. I hope everything turns out well no matter your decision tonight. I don't even feel like reaching out for help this time. You are, though, so perhaps you should. Best love.
Why the 20th birthday? At least stick around for the cake and ice cream. I am sorry you are hurting so bad at such a young age. Please don't do it.
I had a bit of a cupcake and ice cream earlier, with my sister. And I set the date, twentieth birthday, years in advance. I don't want to be too old. At twenty it's tragic instead of just pathetic.
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You’re pathetic. Someone is hurt and that’s all you have to say. Please don’t listen to them you’re not pathetic
https://media.giphy.com/media/35iDQ9U6aSzbq/giphy.gif
Well, if she doesn't understand then she deserves the trauma