Isis Davis: The highs and lows of growing up a Black British gay woman

I have been writing since I was a child; poems, diary’s and stories. For me, it was a way of escaping, a way to relieve myself of some of the emotional burdens that had been forced upon me from a very young age. I didn’t realise at the time but writing was my therapy. It never once crossed my mind that it would be something I would go on to do as a profession.

If I were to pull my younger self aside and whisper in her ear and tell her about all that she will go on to achieve in her life, she'd be stunned. If I could tell her that one day she will play the role of Martha in the 2020 movie remake of The Secret Garden, the very same safe space of escapism that she used to run to as a child whilst reading it in bed, she would never have believed me.

I’m from Ladbroke Grove, born and bred amidst the heartbeat of Notting Hill Carnival. Carnival is part of my culture. I used to play steel pans with the revered Mangrove band and before that I used to dress up and dance on a float, through the parade, past the judges, literally feeling the streets where I lived bounce beneath my feet. With my cousins beside me, our world felt colourful, vibrant and alive. I loved growing up in Ladbroke Grove. It was multicultural, it was a community, it was my home, and it always will be, although I don’t live there anymore.

I was told, 'You may be mixed-race, but you are Black, because white people will never see you as white'

When I grew up, I classed myself as Black. I knew my dad was white, we have always been very close, but I classed myself as Black. My grandmother came here as part of the Windrush generation, sending for her eldest three children from Jamaica one by one once she was settled. My mum was the youngest of the three and came here when she was nine. By the time her and her Jamaican siblings arrived, my grandmother had remarried and had two more children. My mum's side of the family is massive and predominately Black, apart from the mixed-race kids like me. We were always told, “You are Black.
You may be mixed-race, but you are Black, because no matter what, white people will never see you as white. You are Black!” Through my own life experiences, I now see that.

I came out at 17 and, on the whole, there was mostly love and support from my family. When I finally found the Black urban gay scene, the sky felt clear. I had found my place. Suddenly, it all made sense. Just being in the club around gay people, Black gay people, people who looked, spoke and dressed like me... I just fell in love with it. I was fresh on the scene and full of newfound self-confidence. Those years when I first came out are some of my happiest teen memories. I moved away from some of the less desirable paths I’d been treading and focused on girls and partying and, for a while, I felt content. Sadly though, by that point in my life, I was already very damaged and fighting many inner battles.

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At 21, I found myself in rehab with a chance to start again, to reset. I had hit a low in my life, I was broken and fighting a losing battle against scars that had been forming on my body and in my soul my whole young life. I resettled in Gloucestershire, re-educated myself, looked at my options and fate lead me to a performing arts degree. Suddenly, the sky seemed clear again, much like when I found the gay scene several years before. I hadn’t known it, but I had found my path. I found my love of acting.

What I hadn’t banked on was the racism I would encounter moving out of London. That’s not to say there aren't racists everywhere, sadly there are, but in my beloved community in Ladbroke Grove, we moved together. Black, mixed-race, white, Moroccan, we were one. Luckily, by this point in my life, I had taken many knocks; dealing with ignorance and rebuffing stupidity wasn’t going to get under my skin, but what it did give me was the most incredible awareness of how ignorant and racist people can be.

My life experiences are what I draw on to shape the characters that I write and that I bring to life on screen and stage. My upbringing, my childhood, my adolescence, coming out, re-educating myself, becoming a mother, they are all part of what makes me the writer and the actress that I am today. They give genuine depth to the roles that I play and to the worlds that I create.

What I hadn’t banked on was the racism I would encounter moving out of London

For a long time, being gay was something I needed everyone to know about me. Nowadays, I get on with life with my wife and our daughters beside me and the fact that I'm gay doesn’t often get a second thought, although I am incredibly aware of how blessed we are to have the family that we both dreamed of. Life goals like having our family are a result of hard work, determination and self-belief, much like the career I am working hard to build each and every day.

Although 2020 has been a tough year for us all, I am grateful to have joined the writing team for season four of Killing Eve. Working on a show I’ve always been a huge fan of, with a team of incredible writers and brilliant producers has, for me, given a polished edge to this very strange and unsettling year. Alongside that, with the impending UK release of The Secret Garden, I feel thankful that after years of hard work and focus in the background, people are finally starting to see and hear more of me than ever before. I have a feeling this might be just the start.

The Secret Garden is available to watch in cinemas and on Sky Cinema from 23 October.