What's a Wake for a Funeral? Traditions & What to Expect

What is a Wake?

The purpose of a wake is for the community to come together in support of the family of the deceased. The mood of a wake is often happy and relaxed. 

History of wakes

Wakes have evolved over history. In ancient times, wakes were the practice of sitting vigil over a body immediately after a person’s death. There is a common misconception that the practice of sitting up with a body through the night was to make sure they were dead and not just sleeping. This seems plausible, as people throughout history have feared being buried alive. The proliferation of safety coffins invented during cholera epidemics in the 18th and 19th centuries is evidence of this.

However, the word “wake” in this context actually evolved from Old English and Proto-Germanic words meaning “to observe” or “to stand guard.” In many ancient societies, people believed that an evil spirit could inhabit a body shortly after death. Early wakes stemmed from that belief. People would keep vigil over the body until burial to keep evil spirits from taking possession of a corpse.

Over time, as Christianity became more widespread, superstitions like these began to fade away. But wakes had already become baked into the culture. They were still considered valuable for the sense of community and camaraderie they fostered.

Modern-day wakes

Today, the term “wake” is often used interchangeably with “visitation” or “viewing,” but the feel of a modern-day wake is more akin to a celebration of life. Celebration of life ceremonies, however, are often held weeks or months after a death whereas wakes take place shortly after a death occurs. Some wakes may even take place immediately preceding a funeral.

Modern wakes may feature food and drink and lighthearted conversation. Stories of the deceased, especially humorous ones, are shared to bring smiles and laughter. The entire event is one that is uplifting in tone and feel, and it can go long into the night. The goal is to comfort the family and lift their spirits in times of sorrow.

What's the Difference Between a Wake, a Viewing, and a Funeral?

The main thing that wakes, viewings, and funerals have in common is that the body is typically present. At a funeral, the body is typically up at the front of the room where the ceremony is being held, whether that’s at a funeral home or church. However, there isn’t usually an opportunity for people to go say goodbye to the deceased during the funeral. This is saved for wakes or viewing.

How many of these three services do people usually hold? It comes down to personal choice. You can hold, one, two, or all three. If you opt for all three, you’d usually start with a wake at home. You would then follow up with a memorial service at the funeral home, followed by a funeral at the funeral home or church.

You might have all three events open to the same group of people and allow them to pick and choose which ones to attend. You may invite different people to each event. For instance, a wake may be limited just to family and close friends. A memorial service or funeral, on the other hand, might include coworkers and acquaintances as well.

Wakes

These lighthearted affairs are rooted in traditions associated with Irish wakes. Wakes aren’t exclusive to Irish culture, though. They happen as part of Mexican funerals, too. In fact, wakes happen in countries all around the world, and wake traditions will vary from culture to culture.

Wakes can be held at funeral homes, or they can be hosted at the home of the deceased’s family. Wakes that take place at a residence tend to be more relaxed and fun because the atmosphere lends itself to informality. However, in modern days, people don’t tend to keep the body of the deceased in their home. Instead, they might display a portrait of the deceased as a symbolic gesture.

Viewings

Viewings are usually somber events that occur in the funeral home. They almost always occur before the funeral service, and typically just hours prior. This is a time when friends and loved ones can pay their final farewell to the deceased and offer words of support and comfort to the family. 

Funerals

Funerals are longer events that typically feature a program including eulogies, speeches, readings, prayers, singing, and a memorial photo or video slideshow. This is a time to honor the deceased by giving testimony about how they impacted the lives of those around them. Funerals are usually held in a place of worship or funeral home.

What Happens During a Wake?

Over time, the practices associated with wakes have evolved. Even now, wakes can vary from family to family. Wakes tend to be deeply personalized rituals that honor the personality of the deceased. They also factor in the customs and traditions of the family and the community.

Still, there are some traditions and customs that are common, if not universal. If you’ve never been to a wake before, here is some of what you might expect.

Visiting the body of the deceased

In modern wakes, the body of the deceased is usually displayed in an open casket (if the wake is held in a funeral home, at least). People are usually expected to approach the body so that they can say goodbye and pay their respects. This is considered a way to honor the deceased. Seeing the body can also bring closure. Some attendees of the wake might even touch the body if they are comfortable and it’s permitted.

If you’ve never attended a wake before, you may feel nervous or uneasy about viewing a body. It’s hard to know how you’ll react to seeing a body for the first time, especially if it’s someone you cared about. It’s okay if you arrive and find it too upsetting to visit with the body up close. While it may be a tradition, no one will be offended.

In the United States, wakes held in private homes likely won’t display the body of the deceased. This is in part because there is a lot of paperwork involved in transporting a body in between locations. It’s also due in part to the modern discomfort associated with death. Wakes held in private homes will often feature a portrait of the deceased in lieu of an actual body. 

Paying respects to the family of the deceased

Whether a wake is held at a funeral home or a family home, members of the deceased’s family will be in attendance. Wakes are, in large part, all about comforting family members. You may encounter them in a formal receiving line, or sitting down in a more relaxed atmosphere. You can offer simple condolences like, “I’m sorry for your loss.” You can also get more detailed and share a lighthearted story about the deceased that their family might not know already.

While it isn’t necessary to bring anything with you to a wake, gifts of food are often appreciated if the wake is taking place at a personal home. Platters of sandwiches or trays of cookies will usually be welcomed.   

Informal structure

Funerals and memorial services typically have a somewhat regimented program in place. These programs might include eulogies, music, reading of scripture, prayers, and possibly a sermon led by a celebrant. Secular readings can be swapped in if the deceased was not religious.

Wakes, on the other hand, are far less structured. Instead of one person speaking in front of a captive audience, people tend to congregate in smaller groups. Attendees will offer condolences to family members and share stories and memories of the deceased.

At funerals and memorial services, it is expected that you will arrive on time and stay until the end of the ceremony. There are no such strict requirements at a wake. You can stop by for 15 minutes or stay for several hours. How long you stay will depend on how close you are to the family. 

What is the Etiquette for a Wake?

Like other events, a wake has certain rules of etiquette that should be followed. While it's a good idea to check the invitation card for specific instructions, here are some things to keep in mind as a general guideline.

What to wear to a wake

In general, you should plan on wearing typical funeral attire to a wake. However, if the invitation instructs you to wear a certain item of clothing in honor of the deceased, advises you to dress more casually, or even specifies formal wear, then you should follow those directions.

If you want a good overview of funeral and wake wear, read what to wear to a wake for more direction.

What to bring to a wake

Most wakes today feature food and drinks, and lots of both. Many families choose to host a wake pot-luck style, enabling guests to bring a favorite dish to share with everyone who attends. Just be sure to check the invitation for dietary restrictions.

You can also bring photographs if you have them, and stories to share during the wake. If you haven't sent your condolence card, you can bring that with you for the family, along with flowers or a sympathy gift.

What to say at a wake

Wakes are all about sharing stories, anecdotes, and memories of the deceased. Go prepared to share a story or memory that's special. Pay tribute to your friend or loved one and share what made them so unique and special. 

When talking with the family, you can reaffirm how much you appreciated their loved one, make a comment about how glad you are to be there, and let them know that their loss is felt deeply.

How to Plan a Wake for a Loved One

Planning a wake can feel like a big undertaking! Stay calm, take a breath, and follow these steps as you plan the event that honors your loved one.

Create a guest list

The first thing you need to determine is how many people you're inviting. This will factor into every other decision you make. 

If you want to keep it simple, you could invite the same people that are invited to the funeral service. Or, to make it more personal, choose people who you know were close to the deceased and would be honored to attend. 

No matter how you decide to create the list of invitees, complete this step first.

Decide on the location

Once you determine how many people you might have coming, it's time to pick the location. You'll want a location that can host the potential crowd if everyone shows. You could host the wake in your home, at an event venue, at a house of worship, at the funeral home, a restaurant, or other location that provides space for a group to gather together.

Choose the food

Next, up, decide what type of food you want to serve. Do you want to have a potluck event and ask everyone to bring a dish? Or would you rather cater? Will you keep it on the light side and service appetizers or do you want more of a sitdown meal?

Keep in mind the number of people you need to feed, then make your choices.

Choose a theme

This is entirely optional, but this is where you can decide if you want to do something unique in honor of your loved one. Do you want to have everyone plant trees or flowers? Perhaps there will be a special time of singing or activity for everyone to do together.

You could also have the theme centered around a hobby or interest of the deceased. Perhaps you'll encourage attendees to wear a certain color or a sports jersey in their honor. The sky is the limit when crafting a unique or theme-focused wake.

Send invitations

Once you have the venue, food, and theme planned, it's time to send the invitations. Be sure to include the date, time, location, and any special instructions. If you want the attendees to bring photographs to share, state that on the invitation. If it's a potluck meal, then ask them to bring their favorite dish. You can also use the invitation to specify any requests regarding the dress code, and whether or not flowers would be welcomed.

What are Some Unique Ideas for a Funeral Wake?

A wake can be as unique as your loved one. That means you can get really creative and organize an event that pays tribute to their hobbies or interests. Here are a few ideas for a unique wake.

Plant a tree together

Was your loved one an avid gardener or outdoor enthusiast? Consider hosting the wake near a green space where you can plant saplings in their honor as part of the event.

Host a bonfire

A wake around the bonfire is perfect for a loved one who loved a backyard fire or a good old-fashioned firepit at the beach. Set up chairs, bring blankets, and enjoy smores in their honor while you share stories and memories long into the night.

Create a photo tribute

Ask attendees to bring copies of photographs to go along with the memories they have to share. Then, set up a large photo board so guests can attach their photographs after they've spoken. At the end of the night, you'll have a beautiful photo tribute to take home in your loved one's honor.

How Much Does a Wake Cost?

The cost of a wake can vary as much as the funeral service itself. This is because of the many factors that go into planning the wake. For example, are you hosting the wake at your home, a public location, or at the funeral home and paying for a room? Are you bringing in catering or having a potluck event? Do you have to rent chairs? Pop-up tents to shade guests from the sun? Finally, how many people are attending? 

As you can see, how much a wake costs will depend heavily on answers to the questions above. You can easily host a small potluck wake at your home that may cost you next to nothing. But you could also spend a few thousand if you need to rent space and provide catering for your guests. 

Alternate Memorial Service Options

If you want to host a memorial service, but you don't want to hold a wake, there are a few other options. Each service has a slightly different feel, so choose the one that you feel will best honor your loved one.

Graveside service

A graveside service is a short service held immediately before burial. During this service, an officiant usually reads a text and says a few words about the deceased. Prayer might be offered in addition to a short speech by a close family member. Acapella songs might be sung by those in attendance, as well. 

Memorial service

A memorial service is a commemorative event that honors the deceased. As opposed to a graveside service, the body is not present. During a memorial service, multiple speakers might give a speech or eulogy. A video or slideshow might be presented, songs can be sung or played, and special tributes are given in honor of the deceased. 

Memorial services last anywhere from one to several hours in duration.

Celebration of life

A celebration-of-life ceremony is similar to a memorial service, in that the body is not present. However, celebrations of life are more uplifting in tone and feel than memorial services.

These are events that are similar to a wake, and they can be as unique as the deceased. They'll often feature food, a time of sharing memories, plenty of conversation, and even laughter. Memorial slideshows or videos might be viewed, and there might be songs sung in the person's honor as well.

Scattering ceremony

A scattering ceremony takes place if the deceased was cremated and the family wants to honor them by scattering their ashes. The ceremony is usually short and it might include a reading, prayer, and short speech. A song might also be sung at the scattering site prior to the scattering of ashes.

Funeral Wake: Frequently Asked Questions

Still have a few questions about funeral wakes? Read on for everything you need to know about this event.

When is the wake held?

Traditionally, the wake is held before the funeral. This usually means that it occurs just a day or two after a person's death. 

How long is a wake?

A wake is usually a few hours long but may be longer depending on the group gathered, how many people want to share memories, and how the wake is set up. If the wake is held in a person's home, it might go longer than if a space is rented for a set amount of time.

Where does the wake happen?

Wakes can take place in a variety of locations including a person's home, a funeral home, or a place of worship.

Do you have to go to the wake and the funeral?

If you've been invited to both the wake and the funeral, don't feel like you have to attend both. Remember that both are important ways to honor the deceased and encourage the family. However, if you can only attend one, you'll still provide encouragement and support by showing up when your schedule permits.

If you have time to attend both, then it's a good idea to remember why each event is held. Wakes are for remembering the deceased in a lighthearted, uplifting manner, whereas funerals are more somber events that honor the deceased prior to burial.

Should you bring a gift to a wake?

You can feel free to bring food or flowers along with a sympathy card to the wake. Other gifts are not expected.

Remembering the Deceased at Wake