8 subtle signs someone isn’t actually a nice person, according to psychology

Have you ever been so right about a person that you still gloat about it years after the fact?

In reverse, have you ever been so wrong about someone that you’re still thinking about where you got it wrong? 

Same. Sometimes, you think you know someone but you’re only presented by a mask they wear. 

Sometimes, you think someone is truly nice but it’s actually just for show. It’s just to rope you in and make you believe what they want you to believe.

And a lot of people are good at faking niceness, you know? You’d see them do grand gestures towards their kin and then see them turn around and be rude to a stranger.

You’ll see them treating you well and treat everyone else badly. Does that make you special or does that make you a victim?

Think about it. Let’s also talk about that further and let’s hone in on the subtle signs. 

With people who are amazing at pretending to be nice, the truth will prevail in the unconscious and subtle actions. 

Here are 8 subtle signs someone isn’t actually a nice person, according to psychology. 

1) They are never happy for someone else’s success

Are they really nice or have you just never seen them react to other people’s wins? A sign of someone not being nice is when they can’t be happy for someone else’s success.

It’s their envy that makes them unhappy. 

However, it’s irresponsible to say that all envy is bad because it’s not. It’s a human response, after all, but what one does with that envy is what separates the vindictive. 

(It’s normal to feel hurt over missing out on a good thing or wanting a similar success for yourself, but it’s never right to badmouth or wish ill on another over it.)

2) They practice toxic positivity 

Psychology Today defines toxic positivity as “the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. This may take the form of denying your own emotions or someone else denying your emotions, insisting on positive thinking instead.”

A subtle sign of someone not really being a nice person is if they constantly indulge in toxic positivity. Making it seem like everything is nice and dandy is unnatural and it ignores the reality of the situation.

This will affect you more if you have an issue with someone and they refuse to acknowledge it; if they skirt around the issue or bury it underneath misleadingly positive quotes about living, loving, and laughing. 

How truly nice are they if they wear a mask of positivity? 

3) They are disrespectful of other people’s boundaries

This one I notice more on people who are trying way too hard to be nice and it starts coming at a cost. The cost being someone else’s comfort.

What will separate someone who’s truly nice but way too enthusiastic and someone not nice is how they will react after letting them know of your boundaries.

The truly nice will apologize and back off, the mean will push back and be defensive. 

4) They find delight in others’ misfortunes

Schadenfreude is the feeling of delight over other people’s misfortunes. It’s not always mean-spirited, especially if you feel bad over it, it’s just one of those human things most of us share. 

It could be mean-spirited though, especially if it’s constant. Or if you gloat about it. 

If someone adds even more insult to the injury, then that doesn’t make them very nice, does it? 

5) They are lowkey hateful

It’s normal to have likes or dislikes, even strongly liking or disliking things.

It’s okay for objects, people, or situations to not be your cup of tea.

Once it encroaches on malicious territory, that’s when it gets nasty.  Those who hate just to hate. Or those who use hate to justify bad behavior. 

6) They’re only nice to you when they need something

A subtle (but sometimes obvious) sign that someone is not truly nice is when they’re only nice to you when they need something.

We all know at least one person like this, who comes out of the blue to ask for a favor, and then disappears right after. Otherwise, you’ll hear not a word from them.

People like this can be easy to spot after one or two times of it happening, so learn to set your boundaries.

7) They guilt-trip you

Guilt-tripping is a sign of someone not being nice (and to be honest, even not being kind). And it’s subtle, too! 

Healthline lists the tell-tale signs that someone is guilt-tripping you. Here are some of them:

• point out their own efforts and hard work to make you feel as if you’ve fallen short
• make sarcastic or passive-aggressive remarks about the situation
• ignore your efforts to talk about the problem
• give you the silent treatment

If someone is only nice to you to leverage that niceness, then that doesn’t seem very genuine, doesn’t it? It’s weaponizing kindness. 

They’ll say “You need to do this because I was nice to you” or “You should feel ashamed because you didn’t do this for me even though I was nice to you” or any variations of this. They’re going to make you feel like you’re in the wrong for not giving in to them. 

And a lot of times, it will work! You can love a person so much or trust someone so much that you can barely tell that you’re being emotionally manipulated. 

8) They are self-centered 

Someone who is only nice on the surface will show their lack of depth by their disregard for other people. They are self-centered and will take more than they give.

This selfishness will show through because a facade can only ever last for so long.

And so, see how they react when not being the priority or the first choice. Are they only ever nice when you give them special treatment?

Do they only show their “helpful” and “happy” side when they can benefit from it?

Final thoughts

It pays to remember that being nice does not equate to being a good person. Someone can be nice and yet be horrible to the core. 

And someone less-than-nice can be the kindest during a crisis—humans are complex like this. 

Like with most traits, niceness is a spectrum rather than a binary. It’s never just black and white. Niceness does not immediately dictate good or bad, kind or evil, right or wrong.

It does compound though. It does add up.

So when one continues to act negatively, believe it. It could just be who they are. Believe in the unintentional actions that they show you, do not rely on the grand and loud gestures only.

So if you count niceness as a measure of being good, at least find the truth in the subtlety.