much used within psychotherapy: the idea of 'rupture' and 'repair.' For psychotherapists,

在心理治療中被大量使用："破裂 "和 "修復 "的概念。對於心理治療師來說。

every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it, of 'rupture',

每段關係都有可能出現挫折的時刻，或者說是 "破裂 "的時刻。

when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit

當我們失去對另一個人的信任，認為他是我們可以放心託付的人。

our love, and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs.

我們的愛，我們相信他能善解人意，理解我們的需求。

The ruptures are often quite small, and to outside observers perhaps imperceptible: one

裂縫往往很小，外界觀察者或許無法察覺：一是，在一個人的身體裡，有一個人的身體裡，有一個人的身體裡，有一個人的身體裡。

person fails to respond warmly to another's greeting; someone tries to explain an idea

打招呼不打招呼，講道理不講道理。

to their partner who shrugs and says off-handedly that they have no idea what they're on about;

對他們的伴侶聳聳肩，不經意地說他們不知道自己在說什麼。

in front of friends, a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering

當著朋友的面，夫妻分享了一件讓對方不太滿意的趣事。

light. Or the rupture can be more serious: someone calls someone a stupid fool and breaks

光。或者破裂的情況可能更嚴重：有人罵某人是傻子，並打破了

a door. A birthday is forgotten. An affair begins.

一扇門。一個生日被遺忘。一段戀情開始了。

The point about ruptures is that they say nothing – in themselves – about a relationship's

關於破裂的重點是，它們本身並不能說明什麼，關於一段關係的。

prospects of survival. There might be constant rather grave ruptures and no break up. Or

生存的前景。可能會不斷出現相當嚴重的斷裂，也不會分手。或者

there might be one or two tense moments over a minor disagreement – and things head towards

可能會因為一兩個小小的分歧而出現緊張的時刻--事情就會走向

collapse. What determines the difference is something

崩潰。決定差異的是一些

that psychotherapists are especially keen to teach us about: the capacity for what they

心理治療師特別熱衷於教我們的是：他們的能力。

term 'repair'. Repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each others'

術語'修復'。修補指的是兩個人重新獲得對方所需的工作。

trust, and restore themselves in the others' mind as someone who is essentially decent

信任，恢復自己在別人心目中本質上是正直的人。

and sympathetic and can be a 'good enough' interpreter of their needs. As psychotherapy

和同情，可以成為他們需求的 "足夠好 "的詮釋者。作為心理治療

points out, repair isn't just one capacity among others, it is arguably the central determinant

指出，修復不僅僅是其中的一種能力，它可以說是決定性的核心因素。

of one's mastery of emotional maturity; it is what identifies us as true adults.

一個人掌握情感成熟度的標誌，它是我們成為真正成年人的標誌。

Good repair relies on at least four separate skills:

好的維修至少要靠四個獨立的技能。

1. The Ability to Apologise A sorry may not be as easy as it sounds, for it isn't just

1.道歉的能力 一句對不起可能並不像聽起來那麼簡單，因為它不僅僅是

a few warm words one has to say, the true cost is to one's self-love. If one is already

自己要說的幾句暖心話，真正的代價是自己的自愛。如果一個人已經

on the verge of finding oneself somewhat intolerable, then the call to concede yet another point

忍無可忍的時候，又叫人讓步

– to own up to being still more foolish, emotionally unbalanced, controlling, hot-tempered

- 自認自己還是比較愚蠢，情緒不平衡，控制慾強，脾氣暴躁。

or vain – can feel like a demand too far. We may opt to dig in and avoid a sorry not

或虛無縹緲--可能會覺得自己的要求太過分。我們可能會選擇挖空心思，避免一個遺憾的不

because we are overly pleased with ourselves but precisely because our unworthiness feels

因為我們過於得意，但恰恰是因為我們的不值得感覺。

so painfully obvious to us already – and lends us no faith to imagine that any apologies

對我們來說已經是如此痛苦的明顯--而且讓我們沒有信心去想象任何道歉

we did make could arouse the kind of forebearance and kindness we crave – and yet so badly

我們所做的能引起我們所渴望的那種寬容和仁慈--但又是如此的渴望。

feel we don't deserve. 2. The Ability to Forgive There can be equal

覺得我們不配。2.寬恕的能力 可以有同等的能力。

difficulty around being able to accept an apology. To do so requires us to extend imaginative

圍繞能夠接受道歉的困難。要做到這一點，就需要我們拓展想象力。

sympathy for why good people (which includes us) can end up doing some pretty bad things

惻隱之心

– not because they are 'evil' but because they are in their varied ways tired or sad,

- 不是因為他們是'邪惡'的，而是因為他們以不同的方式疲憊或悲傷。

worried or weak. A forgiving outlook lends us energy to look around for the most generous

擔心或軟弱。寬容的心態讓我們有精力去尋找周圍最寬厚的

reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally. When

為什麼基本正派的人在某些時候會表現得不盡如人意。當

this kind of forgiveness feels impossible, therapists speak of a manoeuvre of the mind

這種寬恕感覺是不可能的，治療師說的是一種心靈的演習。

known as 'splitting', a tendency to declare some people to be entirely good and others,

稱為'分裂'，是一種傾向，宣佈一些人完全是好的，而另一些人。

just as simply, entirely awful. In dividing humanity like this, we protect ourselves from

就像簡單的，完全可怕的。在這樣分裂人類的過程中，我們保護了自己，使自己免於

what can feel like the impossible dangers of disappointment or grown-up ambivalence.

可能感覺像是失望或長大後的矛盾心理所帶來的不可能的危險。

Either someone is pure and perfect and we can love them without reserve or – quite

要麼一個人是純潔的，完美的，我們可以毫無保留地愛他，要麼--很明顯

suddenly – they must be appalling and we can never ever forgive them. We cling to rupture

突然--他們一定是駭人聽聞的，我們永遠無法原諒他們。我們執著於破裂

because it confirms a story which, though deeply sad at one level, also feels very safe:

因為它證實了一個故事，雖然在某一層面上非常悲傷，但也讓人感覺非常安全。

that big emotional commitments are invariably too risky, that others can't be trusted,

大的情感承諾總是風險太大，別人不能信任。

that hope is an illusion – and that we are basically all alone.

希望是一種幻覺，我們基本上是孤獨的。

3. The Ability to Teach Behind a rupture, there often lies a failed attempt by one person

3.教書育人的能力 在一次破裂的背後，往往隱藏著一個人失敗的嘗試。

to teach something to another. There was something that they were trying to get across when they

教給別人一些東西。他們想表達的是什麼？

lost their temper or got into a sulk: something about how to behave around a parent or what

發脾氣或生悶氣：一些關於如何在父母身邊表現的事情，或什麼。

to do about sex, how to approach childcare or how to handle money. And yet the effort

如何處理性問題，如何處理育兒問題，如何處理金錢問題。然而，努力

went wrong and they forgot all about the art of good teaching, an art which relies, to

出了問題，他們完全忘記了良好的教學藝術，這門藝術依賴於，以

a surprising extent, on a degree pessimism about the ability of another person to understand

竟然在一定程度上對他人的理解能力持悲觀態度。

what we want from them. Good teachers aren't after miraculous outcomes. They know how resistant

我們想從他們身上得到什麼。優秀的教師並不是追求奇蹟般的結果。他們知道

the human mind can be to new ideas. They swallow a very large dose of pessimism about successful

人類的思想可以對新的想法。他們吞下了大量的關於成功的悲觀主義。

interpersonal communication in order to stay calm and in a good mood around the inevitable

人際溝通，才能在不可避免的周圍保持冷靜和良好的心情。

frustrations of relationships. They don't shout because they didn't from the outset

關係的挫折。他們不喊，是因為他們從一開始就沒有喊過

allow themselves to believe in total symmetries of mind. When they're trying to get something

讓自己相信心靈的完全對稱。當他們想得到一些

across, they don't push a point too hard. They give their listener time and know about

溝通，他們不會把一個點推得太狠。他們給聽眾時間，並瞭解

defensiveness – and as a fallback, accept that they may have to respect two different

防衛性--作為備份措施，接受他們可能必須尊重兩種不同的情況。

realities. They can in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood

的現實。他們最終可以忍受接受自己總會被人誤解的事實。

even by someone who loves them very much. 4. The Ability to Learn It can feel so much

甚至被一個很愛他們的人。4.學習的能力 可以感覺到很多。

easier to get offended with someone than to dare to imagine they might have something

敢怒不敢言

important to tell us. We may prefer to get hung up about how they informed us of an idea

重要的事情告訴我們。我們可能更願意糾結於他們是如何告訴我們一個想法的。

rather than address the substance of what they are trying to convey. It isn't easy

而不是解決他們所要表達的實質問題。這並不容易

to have to imagine that we are still beginners in a range of areas. The good repairer is

以不得不想象，我們在一系列領域還是初學者。好的修理工是

ultimately a good learner: they have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they

歸根結底是一個好學的人：他們有一個生動而不失幽默的意識，他們有多

still have left to take on board. It isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone

仍有餘力去接受。這並不奇怪，也不值得驚慌，因為有人...

might level a criticism at them. It's merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough

可能會對他們提出批評。這只是一個標誌，一個善良的靈魂已經投入了足夠多的精力。

in their development to notice areas of immaturity – and, in the safety of a relationship,

在他們的發展中注意到不成熟的地方--而且，在關係的安全中。

to offer them something almost no one otherwise ever bothers with: feedback.

為他們提供幾乎沒有人關心的東西：反饋。

In the Japanese tradition of kintsugi, broken pots and vases are artfully mended using a

在日本傳統的 "Kintsugi "中，破損的壺和花瓶是用一種藝術的方法來修補的。

gold inflected lacker and displayed as precious works of art, as a way to emphasise the dignity

灌金乏術，作為珍貴的藝術品來展示，以此來彰顯尊嚴

and basic human importance of the art of repair.

和基本的人類重要的維修藝術。

We should do something of the same with our love stories. It is a fine thing to have a

我們應該對自己的愛情故事做一些同樣的事情。有一個

relationship without moments of rupture no doubt, but it is a finer and more noble achievement

毋庸置疑，這種關係沒有破裂的時刻，但它是一個更精細和更高尚的成就。

still to know how to patch things up repeatedly with those precious strands of emotional gold:

還是要懂得用那些珍貴的感情金線反覆修補。

self-acceptance, patience, humility, courage and a lot of tenderness.

自我接受、耐心、謙遜、勇氣和很多的溫柔。