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Eddie drives with Buck in the passenger seat. Buck looks out the window as they pass several trees. They went out to a club. None of them drank anything alcoholic because they just wanted to hang out and have fun. They had planned to stay longer, but for some reason, Eddie wanted to leave early. Buck could tell Eddie was mad about something. The thing is, he didn’t know what.
Buck looks over at Eddie, who is gripping the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. Buck could not think of anything he could have done to make Eddie this mad.
Buck hesitantly opens his mouth but Eddie interrupts.
“I don’t really feel like talking right now, Evan,” He snaps.
He hears the frustration seeping onto his voice.
Evan
Eddie said his name with such disappointment. He knew it was said as a way to hurt him, and it did. He doesn’t know what he has done to deserve that but whatever it was, he was sure it was justified. He just never wants to hear Eddie say his name like that again.
It’s quiet as Eddie drives. Tensions rose the longer the silence went on.
Why is Eddie so angry?
“Eddie-”
Eddie reaches over to turn up the radio. He turns it up to the point where they couldn’t hear each other, and Eddie hates when the radio is turned up too high.
Buck sighs, giving up. He’ll just have to wait until they get home.
It seems as if it takes hours to reach Eddie's place. He opens the car door, getting out. He stretches his legs and arms, but as he looks around he realizes he's not at Eddie's place at all. Eddie had dropped him up at the loft instead.
“Uh- Eddie, I thought I was supposed to stay over at your place.”
Even though they spent most of the night at the club, They had also made plans to hang out at Eddie's place. Get drunk off beers and watch horror movies while probably laughing at the stupid people in them.
“I’m not feeling up to it,” That’s all he says.
Buck swallows down the disappointment. He wants to argue, make him explain what he had done to make him mad. Ask him why his attitude towards him had suddenly changed.
“Uh- okay, how about tomorrow?”
“Busy,” He’s about to argue but Eddie had driven away before he could get a word in. He watches as Eddie's tail lights disappear.
“Um- what,” His voice cracks as he feels his eyes start to water. He shook his head, blinking hard, forcing the tears away. He refuses to let himself cry.
He unlocks his door as his chest feels heavy with anguish. He slips off his shoes and changes into more comfortable pants and he climbs into bed. He had thought he and Eddie were having a great time. Until their last moments in the bar as he noticed Eddie sulking by himself. And yeah, he felt bad for not noticing his best friend feeling down. He had asked him what was wrong but he kept brushing it off, telling him he just wanted to go home.
So, he agreed, thinking Eddie was just having an off day. Turns out it was something Buck had done unintentionally, and now he's here. In his empty apartment, that doesn’t even feel like his home at this point. He dreaded it, being in his loft.
He doesn't know Eddie’s reasons, but hopefully he will figure it out tomorrow. He hopes it’s just one giant misunderstanding that they will laugh about in the future. Everything will be just how it was tomorrow.
____
Turns out, the next day isn’t much better. Sure, they keep it professional but when they are off call, Eddie completely ignores him. Buck feels his stomach swarm with anxiety. He wants to know what he has done wrong, so he can apologize. But he can't do that if Eddie doesn’t talk to him.
They are all currently eating lunch at the firehouse. Eddie is sitting far away from him. On the complete opposite side of the table. Buck tries not to let the very clear rejection hurt him. Hen is giving him a very pointed look. Ravi is not paying attention, texting who knows who, a girlfriend, perhaps. Chim just looks confused and Bobby is looking at him with Sympathy.
Buck looks at the salt, the salt that is closest to Eddie. Buck doesn’t really need salt but if asking Eddie to pass the salt gets him to talk to him, at least a little, then he will ask for the salt.
Buck clears his throat, “Eddie, can you pass the salt?”
He knows Eddie heard him because he jumped at the sound of his voice, probably not expecting Buck to speak. Still, his words are completely ignored. Eddie acts like he's too focused on his food to really be listening. The tension is so loud that even Ravi looks up from his phone. He’s mouthing something to Hen, probably wondering what's going on, but she just shakes her head.
“Eddie,” He tries again, “You’re the closest.”
Once again, he is ignored. It’s starting to really get on his nerves and he's about to say something about it, but it doesn’t matter because someone else speaks up for him.
“Eddie, can you please pass the salt over to Buck,” Bobby asks, daring Eddie to refuse his order.
Eddie huffs, before scooting the salt, so that Buck can reach it, but Buck doesn’t reach for it. Buck doesn’t need the
salt anyway, he just wanted Eddie to speak to him.
“What the hell is your problem?”
Hen nudges him, “Buck-”
He shakes his head, feeling very tired of being ignored, “No, I would like to know what his problem is with me! I’m tired of walking on eggshells, man! Just tell me what your problem is!”
“No one asked you to walk around on eggshells,“ Eddie mumbles, crossing his arms.
“There it is again,” Buck says sarcastically, referring to the attitude.
He pushes his chair back, the chair making a loud screeching noise.
He stands up, throwing his hands up in the air, “Why don’t you tell me what I did wrong!”
“Buck, sit down,” Bobby tries.
Eddie groans and rubs his eyes in frustration, standing up as he walks around the table.
“Woah,” Bobby goes to stand up. Not wanting anything to escalate between Buck and Eddie.
“Relax, we’re not going to throw fists at each other, I’m just really tired. Permission to go to the bunk room?”
Bobby relaxed, “I wasn’t insinuating that.”
It was very obvious to both Buck and Eddie that he was indeed, insinuating that. The tensions must have been really high for Bobby to think that.
Bobby sits back down, waving Eddie off, “Go ahead.”
As Eddie moves past Buck, Buck moves to follow.
“Buck, stay here,” Bobby orders, “Give Eddie space.”
“No, I have been giving him space all day, not that it was in my control. Besides, something is wrong and I’m not going to sit here worrying the whole time. I’m going to talk to him and find out what's wrong.”
Before anyone could protest, he leaves. He approaches the bunk room, his hand hovering the door handle. He stops when he hears the sound of sobs. Bucks heart clinches in his chest at the thought of making his friend cry. He decides to knock instead, wanting to give Eddie the choice if he wanted to see him or not. The crying stops as soon as he knocks on the door.
“Hey Eddie, can I come in?”
“No,” He hears Eddie's raspy voice, “I don’t want you near me.”
Buck frowns, sadness filling his body, anger at himself for what he could have done, “I just want to know what I did wrong.”
It’s silent for a few seconds, before the door bursts open. Eddie's face wet with tears, his eyes full of anger with a hint of sadness. He tries to ignore the fear he sees in Eddie's eyes.
“You wanna know what you did wrong, Evan!”
Again, his name was used in disappointment and with anger.
“ ‘Oh, Eddie, we should go out before watching movies together, just the two of us’ ,” Eddie mocks him.
“And we did, except for the movies but-” Buck cuts himself off feeling very confused, “Are you mad cause you wanted to bring someone else?”
“No,” Eddie furrowed his brow, “Just- no! What the-”
“I just don’t get it,” Buck throws his hands up in frustration, “I can’t think of anything I did wrong! I know I accidentally left you by yourself a few times while at the club, but I came back! Even asked you what was wrong! I asked you what you wanted to do and apologized multiple times! Is that the problem? Because I think that’s pretty stupid, Eddie! You know I get distracted easily!”
“It’s not because you were distracted. I know you get distracted easily. It’s just- we go out together and you could only focus on the woman flirting with you,” Eddie growls out.
“That’s your problem,” Buck scoffs, “Women flirt with me all the time, I flirt back sometimes. It’s not a big deal.”
“We went there together ,” Eddie’s voice cracks on the word ‘together’, “So yeah, It is a big deal. Maybe not to you but it is to me !”
“Why,” He shouts, “Why is it such a big deal? That you ignore me , your best friend !”
“Because I fucking love you,” Eddie shouts.
He hears himself gasp, almost not believing the words that have just come out of Eddie's mouth. Not believing that Eddie could feel the same way about him. He must have been frozen there for too long because the door is slammed shut. Leaving him outside the bunk room. All alone, with his racing thoughts.
Could Eddie really feel the same way about him?
He thinks back to what happened at the club. He remembers flirting with those women, but he also remembers completely ignoring Eddie, his mind too occupied to really pay attention. He knows he has apologized but that doesn't matter, not in this situation. He feels dread, once again, entering his body. Eddie must be heartbroken and he has to fix it.
He gently knocks, not wanting to startle Eddie, “Hey Eddie, I know you probably- no, I know for a fact you didn’t mean to tell me you loved me,” Buck takes deep breath, deciding to sit down in front of the door, “I mean, maybe you meant it. But I know you didn’t mean for it to come out like that and I’m so sorry.”
When Eddie doesn’t respond, he asks, “Did you mean what you said?”
He hears a thump on the other side, he imagines it’s Eddie sitting down on the other side of the door.
“Yeah,” His voice breaks, “I did.”
“Eddie, I feel the same,” Buck admits, “The reason I uh- the reason I flirt with those women is because I thought my feelings were not reciprocated. Thought they would never be.”
Buck chuckles, “It’s weird you know? Never thought anyone would feel the same. Love me like I love them. Never really felt like I was loved before, and I know Maddie and the rest of the 118 love me. Athena, May, Christopher, but sometimes I get in my head about it. I never thought-”
He feels tears sliding down his face, quickly wiping it away, he chokes out, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it about me. Just- just sorry, I’ll leave you be.”
Buck pushes himself up before walking away from the door. He refuses to look back because he knows he will break down if he does.
“Buck,” He feels a gentle touch on his shoulder.
He turns around quickly coming face to face with Eddie.
Eddie's eyes are red and irritated. He’s shaking a little and he looks like he could break any second. If he hasn’t done so already.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie cries, “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Eddie,” Bucks eyes widened, “What do you mean? You never hurt me.”
“I was ignoring you, I was trying to protect myself from being hurt,” Eddie trembles, “But I ended up hurting you in the process. I mean, you told me that I could always talk to you. Why didn’t I? I know how much you hate being ignored. With your childhood and all.”
Eddie lets out a self deprecating laugh, “ I just let the anger get the best of me. Like I always do.”
“No, Eddie, hey,” Buck wraps his arms around Eddie, holding him tightly, “It’s okay.”
Eddie sniffles, burying his nose into his neck, “No, It’s not.”
“Okay, I will forgive you for ignoring me,” Buck interrupts Eddie as he tries to speak, “But, I will not forgive you for getting angry because there's nothing to forgive. I don’t get to tell you how you should feel. No one should.”
After a moment of silence Eddie says, “You forgive too easily.”
“Do you forgive me,” Buck says.
Eddie looks up at Buck in confusion, “What? There’s nothing to forgive.”
“Exactly, so there's nothing to forgive on both sides, okay?”
Eddie nods, “Okay.”
Eddie pulls away from Buck, wiping his tears, “Dios, that was embarrassing.”
Buck smiles, trying to lighten the mood, “I don't know. I had my fair share of embarrassing moments.”
“Oh yeah? Tell me about them.”
“no!”
“Oh, come on!”
Buck shakes his head laughing hard, “So, are we going to ignore the fact that we both declared our love for one another?”
“Oh yeah,” Eddie nods, “Buck-”
The bell rings.
Sometimes Buck thinks the bell does it on purpose. Like it knows the exact moment someone is about to talk about something important.
Buck rolls his eyes, chuckling, “How about I come by after shift?”
“Yeah, Chris is at a friend's house.”
____
Eddie closes the door behind him, “Well, that was torture.”
Buck thinks back to what happened during the last few hours, “What, the fact that we had five calls in a row or the fact that Hen kept looking at us all shift?”
“Can I say both,” Eddie sighs, “Do you think she knows?”
“Wouldn’t doubt it.”
Without a doubt Hen knows. If Buck had to guess, he would guess that she listened in to their conversation or she’s magic. One of the two.
Buck watches as Eddie walks over to the couch taking a seat, “Let’s talk.”
Buck groans, “Do we have to? We already know how we both feel for each other.”
“Seriously, Buck?”
Buck reluctantly sits next to Eddie, “I- did you know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment. Since forever, so, I’m sorry If I ever say- if I overstep. Of course we can talk.”
“It’s okay Buck, I understand,” Eddie admits, “I’m not really sure when, but I know I liked you for a while.”
“Loved you,” Eddie corrects himself.
He looks at Buck with a look of uncertainty on his face.
“I love you too, just so you know,” Buck says, hoping to get rid of that look on his face.
“I love you,” Eddie smiles softly, “And I’m sorry that-”
“Don’t apologize please.”
“Okay, no apologies, but I wanna explain why I didn’t tell you my feelings, and choose to ignore it.”
“I thought you already did.”
“Yeah, one reason is because I didn’t wanna get hurt. But it goes deeper than that.”
“You don’t have to.”
Although he is curious, he doesn't want Eddie to feel forced to talk about things he doesn't want to. The last thing he wants to do is make him feel pressured.
“I want to,” Eddie decides, “Besides, healthy relationships, you need to be open with one another right?”
When Buck nods in agreement, Eddie continues.
“I was raised catholic. I was in a catholic home and I was taught things, that people who liked the same gender would go to hell. That they deserved to be tormented for whatever reason, that someday they would be beaten for all of eternity.”
Buck could feel moisture building up in his eyes. He’s never grown up religious, His own parents are Episcopalian but he was never forced into a religion. He was never taught to hate other people for who they liked.
“I liked this boy, his name was- doesn’t matter. Meet him in first grade. I didn’t really figure out I liked him until this year, funny enough. I think I kept pushing it away. I felt guilty, with the thoughts I was having, hatred for myself. Most of the time I still do have hatred for myself.”
Eddie sniffles, “Of course I would never physically, or verbally berate anyone who loves the same gender. But I think- I think I was doing it to myself. Telling myself I would go to hell or that I am disgusting. That’s why it took me a little longer. That’s why I ignored you. I- I’m gay but I’m still-”
Eddie bursts into tears, curling into himself, “I’m still trying to figure it all out.”
“Oh, Eddie,” Buck pulls Eddie into his chest for the second time that day, “Internalized homophobia can be hard. You may still be figuring it out but I’ll help you, anything you need. You don’t have to deal with this yourself.”
“Thank you so much, That’s the first time I said I’m gay,” Eddie's shoulders shake as he tries to control his sobs, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You would be the same Eddie that you are now. If you hadn’t met me, you would have met someone else. I believe everything happens for a reason. Some things are destined to happen. If things become unbalanced. Nature fixes it itself.”
“Buck,” Eddie looks at him.
His eyes are shining with happiness as he brings his lips over to Buck. Pausing as if to ask for permission. At Bucks nod, Eddie connects their lips.
It is a very short but sweet kiss, “When did you become so poetic?”
Buck kisses Eddie this time, into a deeper kiss. He feels an ach in the body. Not a bad aching, but an ach for more.
“Oh,” Buck says as he pulls away laughing, “It’s nothing. Hidden talent, I guess. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
“Okay, I would love to lay down with my boyfriend,” Eddie teases
Buck blushes as he gets up, heading towards the bedroom, with Eddie following him. When they enter the bedroom Eddie gets under the covers.
“Are you not going to change out of your clothes? You still have your shoes on.”
“No.”
Buck snorts, “Ok, uh, Are you hungry.”
“Can you just lay down with me? I’m tired.”
“Yeah,” Buck crawls under the blankets, “Not hungry?”
“No,” Eddie sets his head on Bucks chest and Buck wraps his arm around his boyfriend, “Just hungry for my boyfriend.”
Buck's face flushes, “What?”
“For my boyfriend's affection , I mean.”
“Didn’t have to say it like that.”
“But the look on your face was priceless,” Eddie laughs at Bucks pout.
Eddie flicks Buck's lip and Buck swatted his hand away, “You’re a jerk.”
“I know,” Eddie sighs, getting comfortable before closing his eyes.
“Goodnight, Eddie.”
“Goodnight.”
As Buck drifts off to sleep he hears the sound of Eddie's voice.
“I don’t wanna imagine a world without you. I love you so much, Evan.”
He falls asleep with a smile on his face. Thinking about the love he heard in Eddie's voice when he said his name. He doesn’t think he would ever get used to this feeling, but he sure will embrace it.