Love's Kitchen: a Gordon Ramsay nightmare

It's rare to find a film about a professional kitchen that isn't abjectly hopeless. Big Night quickly descended into an offensive battle of accents. No Reservations destroyed Catherine Zeta-Jones's reputation by making her simper "If only there was a cookbook for life" out loud. With the obvious exception of Ratatouille, they're all terrible.

So where does that leave plucky new British contender Love's Kitchen? It's a romantic comedy drama about a chef, but can it really be as woeful as its counterparts?

Fortunately, the Love's Kitchen trailer gives away the entire plot of the film, so we're in the perfect position to find out:

1) This is Dougray Scott from Mission: Impossible II. Here Dougray plays a world-famous chef. You can tell this because he's putting a trifle on a plate with the laser-guided precision of a brain surgeon or a fighter pilot. He isn't either of those things, though. He's a man putting a trifle on a plate.

2) However, Dougray's career comes crashing to a standstill when his wife dies. All the attention he used to put into producing world-class cuisine now goes into mourning his wife in a field with some booze. He's lost direction. He needs a miracle. He needs an angel. He needs ... he needs ...

3) Oh, he needs Gordon Ramsay. They are really doing this, by the way. You aren't dreaming it. Ramsay appears in Dougray's kitchen and, putting on his most earnest face, tells him to get his act together. Then he slaps his hands about, swears a bit, and vanishes in a puff of money.

4) Dougray, following Ramsay's advice, decides to start his career all over again by buying a pub called The Boot. There's just one problem: it's in rural Hertfordshire. But that won't be a problem, will it?

5) Oh no! It WILL be a problem! The pub only has two customers. And they're old. And they don't dress very well. They're not going to take to Dougray's complicated trifles at all well. They live in Hertfordshire. They probably only like eating nettles and foxes and their own young and whatever. If only there was someone in the village who could act as Dougray's champion.

6) By God there is. It, somewhat inexplicably, is Claire Forlani from Meet Joe Black. She's a restaurant critic now, and she'd be in the perfect position to help re-establish Dougray's career, except for one small problem. You see, Dougray doesn't like restaurant critics.

7) Oh, wait, no, it's OK. In a move that not many people could have possibly seen coming, the sexual tension between Dougray and Claire begins to flourish. Maybe they really can make a success of The Boot after all.

8) Oh, wait, no. Dougray and Claire are having an argument. Maybe they need to look past their differences (he's a chef, she's a restaurant critic; he's a man, she's a woman) to see what they have in common (they're both starring in a not very good film about a bunch of stuff that nobody cares about) if they're ever going to rescue The Boot.

9) Phew. In a move that not many people could have possibly seen coming, Dougray and Claire end up falling in love for ever. You can see this by the way she's shouting right into his face. I don't know exactly what she's shouting. It might be "I LOVE YOU, DOUGRAY SCOTT. DESPITE OUR OBVIOUS DIFFERENCES, I LOVE YOU", though it could just as easily be "WHY AM I IN THIS FILM? I KNOW YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE II, DOUGRAY, BUT I WAS IN MEET JOE BLACK AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKED THAT."

10) And then Gordon Ramsay looks on in contentment. Or maybe omnipotent all-knowingness. Or maybe disgust. It's actually quite hard to tell. Look, Gordon is pulling some sort of face. Isn't that all that really counts?