I'm extremely jealous at my perfect cousin

I have this cousin, he is younger than me with three years, but I'm super jealus

we used to be closed. when we were kids, I was an only child who always wanted siblings (they were born after my father's second wife) and he had only big sister while he wanted a brother so much. so it was natural we were close. We had a lot in common. we loved the same tv shows and movies. love the same video games. hate fruits and veggies, love bowling and stuff like this

but life is going, things are changed, we both grew up and we are not close as we used to be. each one of us has his own business and interest. but we are still seeing each other almost every suterday when we are going to visit out grandparents with the rest of the family

however, I'm a late bloomer, or at least feels like this. I don't want to write too much but I did not had an easy childhood at all and I never felt happy until recently. so I feel in a delay from other people I know. meanwhile I noticed that my cousin is succeed in any thing that I failed

first of all, he is extremely handsome. while we used to look alike very much when we were younger (I'm similar to my father, he to his mother AKA my father's sister), we grew up to look diffretne and sadly, he got the beauty. he is well built, has very charming voice, handsome face and hair. the girls love him. and I a person with a huge problem with the way I look. nobody belives me, and people think I'm crazy to think this, but I really dislike the way I'm looking. I can't even look at the mirror. I'm avoiding to look at mirrors or any other things that will show my reflection. and I never take pictures unless i's from my nose to my forehead. and he is very smart. while I always was the more artistic person of the family, he was he smart one. good at math. after high school he was accepted to a program of extra studies and soon he will begin to go to collage. and I'm worst at math (but I finished my final exam very well) and as for collage, I change my school after the first one was not for me. he got driving license very fast and me, due to epilepsia, delayed it and for some reason I'm really scared. he has a lot of confidence and self esteem and I'm very shy person

i comper myself to him every single time I see him. he is littelry a successful version of me. I was here before him. I was suppose to be the superior one. I was supposed to be the one who should be example to others. but instead, he is the role model of my brothers. they are looking up at him instead of me.

I wish I was him. I would be much happier person. I love my cousin. he is like a brother to me. but sometimes, I really hate him because he is what I all of my life wanted to be. when I was a little kid who is being bullied and shunned in school every day, and parents who put their "chapter 2" abouv me after they divorced, I always believed that some day, when I grow up, my time to shine will come. but instead, my cousin took my shine and I left with nothing. everything is so easy to him. and while I try to improve myself, I always stay the failed version of him.