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Please know that I already know what we did was incredibly wrong. What I don't know is the right way to handle it from here, and whether I'm doing the right thing by not saying anything to my neighbor's fiance.
On New Year's eve I was in my backyard hot tub with my boyfriend of 5 years and a few other people. My neighbor (call him Joe) texted me around 11:30 saying he was home by himself and asking if he could come over and have a drink with us at midnight. I said yes. For background, Joe and I are friendly but in the few years we've lived next to each other have had pretty few interactions other than the normal neighbor stuff of getting packages, etc. We have hung out maybe 3 times and one of those was with his new fiance; someone he met in the last year, quickly became engaged to, and recently bought a house with a few streets over. My boyfriend and I don't live together and he had never met Joe before.
By the time Joe arrived we were all pretty drunk, including Joe. We celebrated new year's and shortly after midnight people started trickling inside, including my boyfriend. Those in the hot tub were still dancing and listening to music, and I had some of Joe's tequila; things get real fuzzy after that. I know at some point Joe was talking about how much he was going to miss me after he moved, and how not having me as a neighbor 'wouldn't be the same'. I also know that he started to put his hands on me sexually, but under the waterline where others couldn't see. I don't know why I didn't stop him but instead I seem to have reciprocated. At some point the others in the backyard also went inside and it was just Joe and I. I really don't remember what all happened, other than I remember Joe telling me he wanted to have sex, and starting to try. I do remember that I told him no, but rather than it being a real 'no' I told him that we should wait until the following Tuesday when my boyfriend would be out of town. I truly have no idea why I did this and I feel absolutely awful and disgusted with myself. At at some point my boyfriend came out to see us full on making out and essentially chased Joe out of the yard. My boyfriend said he could see Joe 'grinding' on me.
Well obviously my bf and I had a multi day fight about what happened and continue to have conversations about what it means for our relationship. My bf stayed at my house for most of last week, and Joe made himself scarce. However, he did pop back up on Tuesday when my bf was supposed to have been leaving.
After my bf left I ended up talking to Joe about what happened. He also had very fuzzy memories of the night, and I filled him in on what I'd heard from my bf. Both of us seemed to be in a similar position of trying to understand why we did that. I get that people can make drunken mistakes, but the true insanity is that we both did it in front of other people; almost guaranteeing that it would mess up our relationships. Joe and his fiance will be moved into their new house within a few weeks.
My instinct, and Joe's, is that there is no reason to hurt his fiance and their relatively new relationship by telling her what happened. He and I are not having an affair, nor have we ever. And so while we don't really understand why we did it, both of us know it will never happen again. I have never cheated on my BF previously and I tend to believe Joe when he says the same. I feel like any guilt that may be alleviated on our side is going to be massively outweighed by the emotional cost it would inflict on her. Is this the right thing to do?
Also please, I really don't need to know that I'm a POS for this happening. I already feel that way. My bf has been WAY more understanding that I think I would have been if the situation was flipped, and has told me he's forgiven me. I don't really feel like I deserve that forgiveness and am definitely struggling to understand my actions.
TL;DR: My neighbor and I hooked up on new years while drunk in a hot tub, in front of my bf but while his fiance was out of town. Should we be telling her what happened?
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Relationships are based on honesty, respect and trust. You're not preserving their new relationship, you're leaving a dirty bomb there, ready to blow to smithereens the paper-mache house that Joe is trying to paper over the bomb with. You said that Joe initiated and that he came back to your house on the day you told him to. Just to talk? Or to see if he could actually get some, while he was perfectly sober, of right mind, and knowing that you have a boyfriend? I say fuck this guy and his needs and do this poor woman a solid before she makes a massive mistake that will alter the course of her life. If he said he would fess up and just be honest with her, that's honestly an attractive quality to me. Everyone makes mistakes and knowing how to repair hurt is an integral part of a relationship. This dude seems slimy as shit though. But, hey, it's your rodeo, so, do as you please.
Thanks for your perspective. You're right I did find him reappearing on Tuesday to be sus. So your view is I override what he wants and find a way to tell her?
I have a simply goal in regards to my actions involving other people. It's pretty simple: act in a way such that, no matter what the outcome is, a week, a month, 10 years later I can hold my head high and be proud of what I did. Even if the outcome is catastrophic, I did my best, did what seemed to me to be the right thing, and I couldn't have done any better.
Apply that formula to yourself. What action can you take in this circumstance so that when you're talking about this with your girlfriends as that crazy thing that happened in 5 years at the bar, you won't have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach of regret from unfinished business or having done something shameful? I can't tell you what that action is because I don't know your moral compass, what you can live with, if it's even practical for you to reach out to the girl in this case, etc. I'm not judging, you're the one who has to be honest with yourself here.
Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective. I've only met her once and don't even know her last name. So unless I ran into her in the driveway between now and when they move I don't know how I could contact her. But you're right I need to really think about what I can live with. My guilt for this happening at all and the impact on my BF has been my primary concern up to this point and so it's been hard to think past that.
Maybe give social media a scan? Regardless, I get that you got a lot of fish to fry at the moment, including going through the process of repair precisely with your boyfriend. If he's capable, maybe see what he thinks, invite him to be a part of the solution to some of this crisis because you want to work through it with him. Regardless, my job is just to get your wheels spinning, the rest is all you. Best of luck.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
So you're going to rob her of HER agency in this, deprive her of making HER OWN decisions about whether or not to continue with a man who cheated on her...why?
Your boyfriend got to decide what he wanted--why doesn't she deserve the same?
Is it right for me to override what Joe wants to do and tell her? I've literally met her once.
Joe wants to cheat on his girlfriend and get away with it. That's what Joe wants.
I’m not so sure about this. If he was so fuzzy about anything happening that he needed to be told what others saw, how come he remembered to come over on the Tuesday?
Yeah I definitely had the same reaction to him reappearing on Tuesday. He told me that 'tuesday' was the only thing he remembered.
Oh yeah....sure.... believable
She deserves to know the truth. Especially considering Joe showed up on Tuesday "as discussed." That informs you pretty clearly where his intentions are. If your boyfriend did what Joe did, I assume you would like to know about it.
She deserves to know the truth.
The most important truth being that Joe suddenly showed up on Tuesday, and only after that did he claim to have a fuzzy memory of the night but magically remembered the day on which he was promised sex, and showed up stone-cold sober. A sensible man who regretted what he did, would have left town on Tueday.
However, that doesn't necessarily mean you're the right person to tell her. Think about this practically; How can you contact her? What evidence if any are able to provide? Or other witnesses to back you up?
I do think you should tell her, however, you should be prepared to not be believed and you should feel free to block her rather quickly if she turns any hostility on you.
Yeah that's the thing I really don't know. I've met her once. I left town a few days ago because I felt like we needed a cooling off period and I'd prefer not to be back until they finish moving. I don't even know her last name and so unless i were to run into her randomly I don't know how I could tell her even if I was prepared to.
There are practical limits in these cases, but don't let them let you entirely off the hook. If you cannot easily find her in 20 mins online, then you may not be able to.
However, if you can find her or do see her, you should tell her. It doesn't matter what Joe wants. If Joe has already told her, then she'll probably be curt and cold and you can both move on, or she'll have some clarifying questions. That's fine. But, if Joe has decided not to tell her that really only raises more concerns about his judgment and his intentions with you, and makes it more important you give her a heads up. Yes, even tho she probably won't take it.
You don't need to beat yourself up. But you also shouldn't invent excuses to dodge doing the thing you know it most right in this situation. Like u/Few-Award-2158 said, this is about you doing what you can live with, not what is most comfortable and not what assists Joe if he has chosen to try to protect himself from the consequences of his own behavior.
I understand that you both never meant for it to happen and won’t ever do it again. The thing is…these things always get found out. You may think no one saw what was going on, but you were “fuzzy”, so maybe someone did.
Fair enough. I'm actually quite sure that people did see. If he doesn't want to tell her, is it right for me to do so? I've literally met the woman once.
There were other people there, probably less drunk than you, right? I'd just peace out of all these people's lives and not stir up any more shit than you already did. She'll find out eventually.
Oh gosh that it awful and so tough!! Sometimes the truth HURTS and sometimes it sets you free. I’ve been wrecked with the truth of being cheated on before and went thru a period were part of me wish I had never knew and life could have continue on its planned trajectory, but then my self respect kicked in and said no way. Things were happening that didn’t make full sense in regards to how his behavior changed towards me, so it made sense after all, that he had been with someone else. I can honestly say, it would have been better for him to tell me back in March when it happened versus 4 months later. It destroyed the relationship. Resentment began to grow, confusion on my part, more secrets started to grow with him, he had to lie to me many times to hide it. It was a dumb move in the long run. I know in my heart there’s more secrets I never knew about with my ex. Like the thong under his bed probably wasn’t his cousins. And he prob fcked the neighbor lady who washed his dogs before. And so on. He prob cheated more than once and was playing the field on his snap and Reddit. Etc. prob a lot more shit with his ex and with his past in general I never knew 100%… and it feels shitty to say the least… anyway, what I’m trying to say is I think the fiancé should know. Maybe she’s been having doubts this whole time maybe he’s cheated on her with someone else and this is the wave that rocks the boat over. Her life is about to change one way or another. Let it be known before she marries him. If it’s “innocent” enough to let slide under the rug than likewise it’s enough to let her know about it. At least there’s a decent defense there both of you being hella drunk. But rlly her fiancé needs to tell her not you.
Thanks for sharing this perspective. I think I've been assuming that this was as much of a 'one off' for him as it was for me (I've never cheated in my life before this). And really I don't know that. He could well be someone who does this.
Yes or if he’s an honest guy (not cheated before) than it’s possible that it can begin to eat him up inside and he grow resentment towards her in some weird way for not knowing. Or guilt could eat him up he could change his behavior and not realize it. Or he could confess drunk one day and wreck her. Or he could try to keep it a secret and simultaneously lose respect for himself and end up cheating again. And then ofc it’s possible he’s cheated many times before.
That you even had a conversation with the neighbor after this happened is beyond fucked up.
Does your SO know you kept in contact?
Yes he knows that we had a conversation. That's been the extent of the contact and I don't intend for there to be more. And FWIW, I wanted to have a conversation because running into each other was inevitable. This is a very close neighbor; we share a driveway and a backyard. I am no longer there and am not planning to be until he's officially moved out.
We all make mistakes in life so don't beat yourself up over it. I would however take a break from drinking because it sounds like you were at blackout level and that is dangerous. I mean luckily it was your neighbor and not some complete stranger. As far as if he should tell his fiance or not..I would leave that decision up to him. 2021 was a shit year so cut yourself some slack and maybe focus on your boyfriend more.
Yeah absolutely re: drinking break. I drink super rarely as it is, but I think in this case it was the mixing of vodka + tequila + 5-6hr in a hot tub without eating. 2021 was super shitty and my dad has been in / out of the hospital for 3+ months with cancer and I've been his primary caregiver. Not to give myself an excuse but emotionally I've been in a bad place. Thanks for the compassion.
I think some people are being way too harsh. I'm sorry about your father, I imagine that has been extra scary with covid. 2022 is a new year and I would make it a fresh start and leave all of this mess in the past.
thank you :)
Are you sure you were not date-raped? Have you ever blacked out like that before? Do you remember where you got your drink from?
This is really weird and I think you may be too trusting of Joe. You told him 'no,' he didn't listen, supposedly doesn't remember, but still came on the correct day?
If he was truly embarrassed, he would have come beforehand and apologized before Tuesday, before you said anything to him. He would tell his girlfriend himself.
How's gf deserves to know. Tell her.
And never talk to Joe again... I'm sorry you went through this. If you usually have this reaction to alcohol, you should lay off of it going forward for your own safety. If you don't usually have this reaction, Joe's looking more like a predator than just a cheating boyfriend.
I'm not sure, tbh. I've never been black out drunk like that and actually drink very little on a regular basis. I had been drinking our own alcohol and then at some point had some of his tequila. I do remember enough to know that when he started touching me I didn't discourage him and I believe I did reciprocate.
But totally agree that Joe and I are never hanging out again.
Anyone else drink his tequila or just you?
Just me.
I'm of the opinion he drugged you, then. That is super suspicious and the whole situation is pretty creepy to me. I'm sorry this happened to you. I
don't think you can prove anything, but please tell his gf so she's at least warned of this very suspicious and creepy behavior.
Thanks for your perspective. I'd wondered about that myself but worried perhaps I was trying to give myself an 'out' for what happened. It's just such a weird thing to have happened and totally out of character for me. This all would have happened within about 1hr - 90min of him coming over.
Girl you were raped please speak out
You MUST tell her. No excuses. You directly tell her.