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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/goingcrazy123456
Me [25F], my friend [24M] told my boyfriend [M25] we were having an affair but we're not. Boyfriend doesn't believe me.
TRIGGER WARNING:
Original Post May 16, 2015
I want to say to start off with that I realize how messed up a situation this is, and I understand why my boyfriend would be upset and even suspicious but I can't believe he doesn't trust me.
So, I've been with my BF, Paul, for three years. In the beginning of our relationship, Paul had some issues with trust (he had been cheated on in the past). I made it clear right away that I had never cheated on anyone, that I would not, and that I understood if he had trust issues from the past but that it was a dealbreaker to me to be with someone who couldn't trust me. He has, since those early days, been really good about it and throughout our three years together, I think I have earned his trust. I have always been honest with him and never cheated on him. He's asked to see conversations of mine that I've had with male friends twice over those three years, and I've obliged. The second time, however, I made it clear to him that I was very unhappy to be treated as though I was acting suspiciously and did not deserve privacy with my friends when he had no reason at all to think I was being shady. I said that if he didn't trust me because of something I had said or done, I was 100% happy to have a conversation about that, to discuss it, and to address any issues he had, but if I had done literally nothing to cause suspicion then I expected him to trust me. He agreed with me, said that I had done nothing, and never asked again.
Once of those conversations he asked about was with my friend Roger. Roger had, two years before I started dating Paul, "confessed" feelings of love for me. I told him I wasn't interested, and that was that. By the time I was seeing Paul, I had absolutely no reason to think things were anything but platonic between Roger and myself.
A week ago, Roger and I got together for coffee. Again - I want to stress that before this happened I had literally no reason at all to think he had held on to those feelings. At the cafe, Roger suddenly went on this impassioned monologue about how much he still loved me, how Paul was a terrible boyfriend and I should dump him and be with Roger, how loyal Roger was, how perfect we were together, etc. I was pretty much silent through this whole speech because I was so surprised and uncomfortable, but when he stopped I told him (probably not as strongly as I should have but I didn't know what to do!) that I loved Paul, that I was absolutely not leaving Paul, and that I needed to go home immediately.
I was shaken up by the whole thing so I took my time getting home to calm down. But, by the time I got home, I found that Roger had sent a long, utterly insane FB message to Paul detailing how much he loved me, that we were destined to be together, and heavily implying (but not outright stating) that Roger and I had been carrying on an affair for weeks. I don't know why he did this. I have no explanation.
Paul believes it completely. He has listened to my explanation of things, but thinks I am lying. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me at all anymore. I'm completely devastated that Paul would believe this FB message over me. I'm horrified that my relationship with him has ended like this. I'm embarrassed that now I'm being seen as a cheater and a slut who slept around on Paul. I'm utterly hateful toward Roger. It's been a week and I can't convince Paul to talk to me. I know he had those trust issues in the past but I really believed we were long past them.
What do I do?
tl;dr: Friend said he loved me, freaked out when I rejected him, told my current boyfriend we were having an affair. Boyfriend won't believe it is a lie.
ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP
OOP when told you can't be friends with someone after they tell you, I love you
I definitely hear what you're saying, but I just want to point out I never believed feelings would magically evaporate. Roger said he loved me five years ago. We were distant from each other for about a year after he told me he loved me. Then reconnected through mutual friends, and were friends for a year before I dated Paul. During that year, he acted totally platonically around me and I guess I thought he had had enough time to get over his feelings. He's been totally platonic as well for the three year's I've been with Paul. Obviously I was wrong, and you are right about how I should have cut him out! But I didn't think the feelings would just disappear, I thought the year we weren't really in contact had made them go away.
However, Paul already has heard the whole and complete story, including what Roger said five years ago. He thinks I'm lying, however, when I say there is nothing between Roger and I now. Should I still push the issue with Paul and try and make him talk to me? He's heard everything already, he just refuses to believe me.
Update May 20, 2015
Here is the original.
I want to thank everyone so much for commenting. Before I post what happened, I just want to address a few things that I didn't get to in the first post: first, Paul knew I was having coffee with Roger. It wasn't some kind of secret thing. Paul has female friends he has lunch or coffee with alone too, so this isn't unusual in our relationship. Second, Paul did not know that Roger had said he loved me five years ago. I definitely made a mistake not telling him that, but honestly, it was so long ago and to my (obviously wrong!) knowledge was old history. We did not extensively discuss our pasts so there wasn't really a natural point where it would have come up and it just never occurred to me to say anything. Finally, Roger and I did not have a particularly intense friendship. It's not like we were texting constantly or best buddies; we hung out occasionally and would be in touch if something relevant came up but we didn't just chat randomly.
Anyway, with that having been said, I took the advice of some redditors and when I was a little calmer I FB messaged Roger asking him why he lied. He responded with "what do you mean" at which point I started pressing him harder. He responded only with one-word answers (and honestly didn't reply to most of my messages at all) no matter how much I asked, and never actually said any definitive statement of "yes I lied for such and such reason". Finally, I send him a definitive statement that said I had never had an affair with him, that I was incredibly hurt and angry, that our friendship was over and that he was never to contact me again. He replied "ok" and that was that.
I sent the entire FB conversation to Paul, not thinking it would help save us but just to try and clear my name. In the message, I asked him if Roger's reactions to my questions and my response to Roger was in line with what he would expect if Roger's accusations were true. Paul didn't respond that day, but the next day he called me.
Paul basically said that the more he thought about it, the more he believed me, and that the conversation between Roger and I helped him believe that. That Roger's responses didn't make sense and that he now thought nothing had gone on. However, he said despite that the "trust was broken" between us and he couldn't be with me. I got pretty mad and yelled at him, asking why I was being punished for nothing, and he just basically disengaged from the discussion. Not my finest moment, I know, I was just so overwhelmed with frustration. We did eventually end the conversation calmly, if not amiably, and he is dropping off the stuff that I had left at his apartment later this week.
I learned my lesson. Not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship, forever, but I will never date someone who has trust issues or a history of being cheated on again. I'm sure I come across as a little bitter about this, but honestly I feel like there was absolutely no point to my fidelity and honesty during those three years. I got treated like a cheater whether or not I cheated and both Paul and I ended up hurt and alone despite being 100% faithful. Better to end up alone or stick to FWB than end up investing another 3 years in a relationship to have this be the conclusion.
tl;dr: Paul and I are done. Roger and I are done.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
coffee__
I can't understand Roger. How does he live with himself? I could never do that to someone!
OOP
I suspect, based on what I know of Roger, that he got angry when I rejected him and impulsively sent the message to Paul. He's not (usually!) a psycho so I'm betting that after a bit he realized how terrible what he had done was and that is why he avoided me/refused to talk to me when I FB messaged him. Why he wouldn't apologize or try and make it right, I have no idea.
~
Hassassin30
"Not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship, forever"
This is just a sidenote (the main thing is you're rid of both these sources of drama, good for you) but I'm a guy who has declared interest in people and then gone on to be good friends after being rejected. As in, really just friends. So I'd choose carefully, because perhaps you'll write some decent people off If you have a blanket rule. I totally get why you feel that way though.
OOP
I thought that this would be possible, but honestly I got a ton of comments (and still am getting them) saying how ridiculous I was to ever imagine I could continue to have someone in my life who once confessed feelings for me. A lot of people have pointed out that by allowing Roger to be a friend or a part of my life at all was a huge mistake and frankly, looking at the result, I have to agree.
I may write off some decent people, which would be a shame, but this has convinced me that I can't allow anyone in my life that might be holding or have at some point held feelings for me if I don't return them.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
Ah yes, the classic "If I lie and ruin her life, she'll surely fall in love with me!" /s
That, or the unhinged lunatic thinks he has the right to punish OP for having the audacity to turn him down. Either way: what a psycho.
Yeah, I think it was more "if I can't have her, no one can!" But less murdery.
Well, at least Paul and Roger have each other.
they deserve each other tbh.
They should be housebound for the rest of their lives. Spare other women from them.
Well, when you put it that way, she got off easy.
There are sadly people who believe that every person they’re interested in, will magically swoon over such declarations of love and live in a romcom.
I’ve met people who think toxic jealously is romantic. I’ve met people who think torturing your SO by pushing ahead on triggers they have is fun
So yeah. I’m not remotely surprised by the behavior of either of the guys here
This. Lots of Main Character people cant understand that the NPC they have feelings for isn't following the script.
Ugh don’t remind me of that fuckwit brother in law who was so mad that op rejected him, he went scorched earth on her and destroyed her marriage.
👀 Can I have a link?
Here (I think), because there are a lot of posts when you “just look up BIL”…
It never occurred to me that he was trying to destroy her relationship just for the hell of it (I assumed he was thinking that her bf was the only thing in his way), but I think you're right. Ick.
Honestly. OOP dodged 2 bullets right there.
Roger was a psycho but Paul was a spineless somewhat mysogynistic asshole
Yeah, she's better off without him.
I might be missing something obvious, but how is Paul a misogynist?
He instantly believed a random man he’s barely met over his girlfriend of three years. A woman who has literally never done anything to make him question her loyalty and trustworthiness. Just went right to “this person’s penis is definitely telling the truth about my girlfriend’s lying vagina”
He also continued to treat her as a liar and adulterer even after he had proof that she was faithful. He is punishing her for the mere potential of an affair. She could have cheated. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t, the possibility exists and in his eyes that is the same as an actual affair.
It’s extremely clear that he considers all women to be adulterers, and that he believes that a woman who isn’t cheating is just one who happens to be between affairs at the moment, with no possibility of a woman being actually faithful and monogamous.
Well put.
I think your third paragraph is a bit speculative, but you could easily be right there too. He's not an appealing character, she is certainly better off without him.
My ex also constantly excused me of cheating and a lot of reasonings were misogynistic
“Why would a woman even go out looking good if not to attract another man”
I think it’s more, “If she won’t be with me, I can get back at her by ruining her life.” I don’t think Roger thought she’d end up with him; I think Roger was getting rejection vengeance.
I would literally send a note to every mutual friend about what Roger just did to you. Then about a day later I would put him on public blast and fucking crucify him.
Let everyone else know exactly what a selfish delusional piece of crap he is. Then explain to everyone that is why you are cutting him out of your life completely.
Screw being polite when someone tries to ruin your life.
Absolutely. He didn't avoid answering because he was guilty - he avoided answering because it was a stupid fucking "plan" that existed only to punish a woman for rejecting him.
I'm an edge case because very few people get this chance I'm sure, but before I left my abusive ex-husband, I recorded hours worth of conversations trying to get him to change. I noticed repeatedly then when I cornered him to the point where he couldn't respond with a justification for his reasoning or his actions, he would go silent, say nothing. Just stare at me and be quiet and angry and resentful, because he knew the truth was awful, but he refused to say it. At the time I didn't recognize that's what his behaviour meant, but In the months after leaving him, when I was listening back and processing, I understood enough to see in hindsight that that was why he was silent.
Of course, different abusers are going to manifest different ways - but I mention this so that someone facing a similar kind of abuser will realize that's a possibility. I didn't realize what it meant at the time of the recording, I was giving him too much benefit of the doubt then.
TL;DR - When you confront someone with their abusive actions and they avoid saying anything at all, it could genuinely be an indication that they don't regret their actions, but can't think of a cover justification, so they err on the side of silence because it's the only option they have left if they want to maintain a cover of innocence.
God damn, I needed to hear that. I tend to assume people are very, very dense/too stupid to realize how hurtful they are (not necessarily innocent), when some people are just... bad.
Thank you for sharing that wisdom, I'm glad you got out of that situation.
Thank you, and you're welcome.❤️
Paul seems to have desired a way out. He was too quick to believe that untruth. OOP is over with both of them, which pleases me. As it has been nearly ten years, I sincerely hope that she is content with her life and that she is surrounded by wonderful people who adore and support her.
Honestly, OOP’s point about being treated like a cheater for three years and punished for it for even though she’s been faithful, made me think that Paul was projecting his own guilty conscience. I agree he’s clearly got trust issues and who doesn’t. But given the way he acted, I wouldn’t be surprised if he preemptively cheated on OOP so he isn’t the one cheated on, and then realized OOP still hasn’t cheated like he expected, and projected his guilt on to her with accusations.
Good on OOP for leaving but I really would go scorched earth on the pick me boy who decided if he can’t have her, no one can.
Their whole relationship just sounded exhausting. I think OOP is well quit of both of them.
I agree that the way her ex acted would line up with him having cheated as well. It also could be his “trust was broken” but now he’s attached to that and can’t get past it despite knowing she did nothing wrong. It really seems like he wanted an out though.
I’d be clearing up what happened on my fb, and I never post about my private life, just to make sure word didn’t get around and stick to my name as me being a cheater. Plus that guy does deserve his reputation to be accurate to his actions. Some people may even question what her ex did by breaking up with her, because she did nothing wrong. When he comes to her apologizing and possibly realizing the error of his ways, she can have the satisfaction of telling him the trust is broken for her, how could she ever trust that he will trust her again. All of her trust in him was worthless in the end. I’d add something satisfying for her to say in there, maybe only she knows what that would be.
No one should stay in a relationship where their partner doesn’t trust them. Especially if the reason for that mistrust is the baggage from their previous relationship.
That was my take too. There is no reason to believe some random weirdo who didn't even outright state that there was an affair, just semi-implied it, over your girlfriend of many years who had never given you a reason not to trust her.
But cheaters always think everyone else is cheating. Paul's kneejerk suspicions and ending the relationship for no reason make me think this was less about trauma from being cheated on and more about paranoia because he was currently cheating.
Exactly, Paul could check OPs phone etc because he wanted to make sure OP wasn't cheating yet he was out having lunch dates with female friends?
It wouldn’t surprise me if Paul had gone out and slept with women because he believed Roger, despite OP’s denials. Once he realised that it wasn’t true he himself had actually cheated by then.
I wish I had known that too. My whole life changed in amazing ways when I learned to look out for the silence you describe, and exit the lives of people who do that.
It's a shitty insight to have to figure out. 🫂
My ex-husband would get silent. And then say something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore" or "I can't live like this anymore." When he would have no justification for his behavior, he would just imply that he was going to leave me to get me to back down. He did eventually. I wish I had left him first.
It's either that or the accuser is acting in bad faith and the only correct move is not to play.
I've had an angry abusive ex who would interrogate me and if they didn't like the answer, they would interrupt and accuse me of something different or try to "get" me by twisting some previous statement out of context. And then they would repeat the interrogation later because they didn't like my answers in the previous round.
After a while you learn to be silent, because that's infinitely better than that bullshit
😞 I'm so sorry.
This is probably why that 'who tf did I marry' story went viral. Probably resonated with a lot of people .
Is this a specific reference to a post or do you mean the tv show? I wanna go look it up
Ooooh if you like this sub you are in for a ride. Who tf did I marry is a series of tiktok shorts about the presenters journey with her ex during covid. It went viral and more people got added into the narrative. I think the full thing has been compiled and uploaded to YouTube but it is 7hours long and you don't get the side proofs that come up. I like the summaries like this one.
some people won’t ever admit it
I hope I'll never have to use your TL;DR in real life, but I'm very happy to have read it, so if I do need it - I hopefully will recognize that behavior.
That might be correct about confronting some people about their abusive actions. But some of us just go silent because of a history of arguing our point turning out poorly for us regardless of how correct we were or how unfair the other person is being. Silence as a reaction doesn’t necessarily mean someone has no defense, it might just mean having a defense has historically not helped.
nod That's totally reasonable, another commenter said similarly. I tried to be accurate about my phrasing for that reason, there's more than one possible dynamic going on. It's one possible sign, not a law. I'm sorry people were so awful to you. 😞
make sure to use his full government name on a public post so it shows up when you google his name
Also, OOP should be aware Roger is not done trying to mess with her life. Can almost guarantee he will rinse-repeat this with every relationship OOP attempts.
I want to correct your last statement he didn’t “try” he actually succeed I think.
She should also put Paul on blast, honestly. First he believes some random friend more than his gf, then he sees the scetchy convo and decides that he does, but that "the trust is broken". Hell yeah, the trust is broken. OPs trust in Paul to be exact. Smh
Seriously, spread on fb that anytime anybody kinda dislikes his new gf (or Paul for that matter), they can just make some baseless accusations and he'll sabotage his own relationship.
I think Paul wanted out of the relationship and was using this as an excuse. He was really quick to just end it, even after realizing Roger was lying.
Paul 100% banged someone after Roger told him. Whether he used it as an excuse or he believed Roger sincerely because of trauma isn't relevant, what matters is after he was presented with evidence Roger was probably lying he now felt guilty and so ended.
That sounds like a good way to brand yourself as "that dramatic weirdo that airs their dirty laundry on Facebook"
The ex should get the same treatment. Even after knowing she was the victim, he still kinda blamed her for the trust being broken. He's the one that broke it!
And don’t forget to do the same with Paul. You need to warn everybody in your social circle that Paul is incapable of trusting people.
Ehh I say just move on from Paul. On BORU, theres not much context on Paul and, for all we know, blasting Paul may put OOP in a bad light. There's too many unknowns and in a lot of them they can or only hurt OOP.
I mean I don't know about most of the people here, but if I had a friend on Facebook blasting multiple people, I'd be far less likely to buy their arguments then if they're just blasting one person.
Like calling out a crappy friend for sabotaging your relationship? Yeah man go for it. Calling out your friend for sabotaging your relationship and then your ex for believing someone admitting an affair? That just sounds like drama.
Putting anybody "on blast" is just drawing more attention to it and getting everybody including herself covered in shit. It's the big childish with no foresight move. So of course people on Reddit are encouraging it.
It’s not about drawing attention, but asking honestly if someone ask why the breakup happened. So she won’t be painted as the maybe cheater here. Op has her own reputation to consider
OOP dodged a bullet.
Dodged two bullets… trust me, having to deal with someone like Paul is exhausting
flair twins! <3
What's that from?
No link but it's my mechanic closed shop and disappeared with my truck.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/VTK3arPdCq
For real. I've been hurt, cheated on, etc. But when I met my current partner, I had to make the conscious decision to trust her and not let my fears and insecurities caused by other people seep into my relationship. I get that being cheated on can be traumatizing and can cause trust issues, but if you're not able to leave that behind, start over fresh with a new person and give them a clean slate, then you're not ready for a relationship
Yeah, as soon as I read the title I thought she should drop both of them. I wonder how she's doing 8 years later.
Spending three years with someone doesn’t sound like dodging a bullet at all.
Roger sucks all the ass. Paul is waiting beside him to start his turn.
that part was driving me bonkers. like, what trust was broken!! oop did nothing in this shitshuation!!!! I hope she finds someone who has it together and treats her well, and that Paul sorts out his gigantic issue in therapy or something because good grief.
He just wanted an excuse to break up.
I'm seeing it as equal parts "too embarrassed to come back" and "this guy said he was in love with her, and then she was fine with keeping him around until he went overboard."
She didn't do anything to him, but a guy like Roger could have had something to do with the last time he was cheated on, and he isn't wrong for wanting to avoid a relationship where guys like Roger are kept around.
Roger didn't just ask her out, he confessed his love to OP when they were just friends. To me there is a pretty clear line of when someone probably can't just be your friend, and professing their love instead of just asking if they are interested is definitely on the wrong side of it.
I don’t understand how we spent so long being guilted for not having male friends/“punishing” them for having feelings by distancing ourselves but now we’re back to being blamed
I’m fine going back to never really befriending men but then this loneliness crisis bullshit needs to stop
I think he's confusing his trauma being triggered with his trust being broken. Unfortunate for both of them. If he has such a bad response to the things that have happened to him in the past, he should be in therapy. Otherwise he's just gonna do this with everyone he ever dates for the rest of eternity.
I read it the same way. It was worded incorrectly, but he's basically saying he recognized his trauma was too significant to get past in that relationship and he needed to move along.
Not saying it didn't hurt, but it was still the best choice for both of them.
The translation for "trust was broken" is basically "my issues prevent me from having a relationship".
Paul will likely not last in any relationship, if he can't trust and believe in his partner but can believe and trust in someone he probably does not associate with and who he knows might have not-so-hidden motives. Even if he was with someone for 30 years, if someone would just make up having kissed his wife, he would probably head for divorce. He needs to seek help if he wants so badly to believe everyone can potentially cheat on him.
Seriously. A sane person with trust issues might say "I hear you babe, but this message has brought up a lot of old shit for me and I need a little time to process this. Assuming you're the trustworthy lovely person I have always thought you were, I'm really sorry that Roger has done this to you and to me by extension-- but I just need a little space to think."
None of this breaking up and acting like she's the one who did something wrong bullshit.