Whether you’re looking for funny Valentine’s Day card messages for your husband, your wife, or your friends, we’ve got you covered! Forget the sappy clichés and cheesy lines because today, we’re all about witty and clever messages to bring some laughter to your loved ones’ lives!
Get ready to unleash a wave of laughter with our collection of no less than 175 funny Valentine’s Day messages that will tickle anyone’s funny bone. From quirky one-liners and playful puns to sexy Valentine’s Day quotes, these card messages will make you the comedic genius of the love season.
So, grab your pen, and let’s embark on a journey of laughter together.
If you love these Funny Valentine’s Day card messages, you will love these articles too!
Save these Valentine’s Day card messages
Don’t forget to save these Valentine’s Day card messages on Pinterest!
Valentine’s Day messages for husband or boyfriend
1. “Be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We’re married. You have no choice.”
2. “Foreplay is great, but have you tried voluntary housework?”
3. “Happy Valentine’s Day to my amazing husband! Thanks for always knowing exactly where the remote control is and pretending not to see it when I ask.”
4. “They say opposites attract, which explains why you always remember where we parked the car and I always remember where we had our first date. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
(Make sure to replace the examples with something person from your relationship!)
5. “What would you do without your grocery store live chat support?”
6. “You’re doing it wrong. But I love you anyway.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
7. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the one who can never seem to find anything in the house, except the snacks I’ve hidden…”
8. “Thank you for pretending that my elaborate skincare routine isn’t taking over the entire bathroom. You’re the best hubby, Happy Valentine’s Day!”
9. “On this Valentine’s Day, I want to thank you for loving me despite my irrational meltdowns over trivial things like the proper way to fold laundry [replace with something relevant for you]”
10. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the one who can perfectly navigate through the city but somehow struggles to locate items in the fridge.”
11. “They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but lucky for us, we found each other on Earth. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
12. “This card reminded me of you.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
13. “You are my favorite husband. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
14 “You’re the only person I’d shave my legs for in the winter. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
15. “Wishing a Happy Valentine’s Day to the man who can effortlessly parallel park a car, but somehow struggles to put the toilet seat down…”
16 “You may have a mysterious ability to lose things, but you never lose sight of how much you love me. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
17. “Thank you for loving me. Even when I’m bitchy.”
18. “Thank you for pretending not to notice how much money I spent on online shopping. You’re the best!”
19. “I love you with all my boobs… I would say heart, but my boobs are bigger.”
20. “So far, you are my favorite boyfriend!”
21. “I love you for so much more than just your warm legs to put my cold feet on.”
22. “Thanks for feeding me and saying I’m pretty.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Valentine’s Day messages for wife or girlfriend
23. “Happy Valentine’s Day to my incredible wife! Thanks for always reminding me where I left my keys and my wallet”
24. “Happy Valentine’s Day my love, I may never fully understand why you need 20 different shades of lipstick, but I’ll always support your colorful choices. Love you!”
25. “On this Valentine’s Day, I want to thank you for loving me despite my inability to find anything in the house without your guidance.”
26. “I have loved you for a long f*cking time. Almost as long as you take in the bathroom.”
27. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the woman who can magically turn a simple trip to the store into a shopping spree that rivals Black Friday!”
SEE ALSO: Funny Black Friday jokes and quotes →
28. “You are my favorite wife. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
29. “Thank you for tolerating my endless dad jokes and pretending they’re hilarious. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
30. “Good thing I found you since I can’t find sh*t!”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Long-distance Valentine’s Day card messages
31. “I wanted to send you something sexy, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox. (So you’ll have to settle for just this card).”
32. “The longer the wait, the sweeter the kisses.”
33. “Distance may keep us apart, but my love for you is closer than ever. Happy Valentine’s Day, my faraway sweetheart!”
34. “I can’t wait to kiss your lips! (and all the other parts too).”
35. “Who needs long walks on the beach when we can have long-distance phone calls filled with endless laughter? Happy Valentine’s Day!”
36. “They say love knows no boundaries. Well, apparently, it also knows no time zones. Happy Valentine’s Day to my incredible partner in different time zones!”
37. “Wishing you a Valentine’s Day filled with virtual hugs, digital kisses, and enough heart emojis to make up for the miles between us. Love you!”
38. “I wish I could copy & paste you into my bed.”
39. “What? Me? Missing you? Only every single second of every single day.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Sexy Valentine’s Day quotes
40. “I love every bone in your body, but there is one I am particularly fond of.”
41. “I love your face! And I love it even more between my legs.”
42. “Happy Alentines Day! (I’ll give you the V later).”
43. “This card does not contain nudity, sex, or naught language… I will provide these things in person.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
44. “Get your d*ck ready! I mean… Happy Valentine’s Day!”
45. “I’m so glad we got drunk and had sex.”
46. “You remind me of cupcake frosting… sweet and lickable.”
47. “February 14th to-do list; you.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
48. “Bend me over. I mean… Happy Valentine’s Day!”
49. “Rearrange my guts! I mean… Happy Valentine’s Day!”
50. “Happy Valentine’s Day, now let’s get these pants off!”
51. “We should probably have sex.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
52. “Valentine’s Day only comes once a year. Aren’t you glad you’re not Valentine’s Day?”
53. “The gift I need this Valentine’s Day is in your pants.”
54. “They say ‘do what you love’, so I guess I’ll be doing you tonight!”
55. “I licked you, so now you’re mine.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
56. “I couldn’t find you a decent present, so I’ll just give you a blowjob.”
57. “I love your package (and by package I mean penis).”
58. “I love f*cking you. Ooops, I meant I f*cking love you.”
59. “February 14th, national blowjob day.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
60. “You are the only wiener for my buns.”
61. “I’m not wearing any underwear (and soon you won’t be wearing any either).”
62. “You are the only meat for my taco.”
63. “I love (seeing) you (naked).”
(Shop card at Etsy)
64. “I am putting you on my to-do list.”
65. “Stuff me like you stuff the damn garbage can.”
66. “The only gift you need this Valentine’s Day is in my pants.”
67. “My love for you is bottomless.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Sarcastic and funny Valentine’s Day card messages
68. “I love you more than carbs but less than cheese!”
69. “Every day I love you, but today I get you a card.”
70. “I love you, even though you love the cat more.”
71. “My bum would be so lonely without you touching it all the time.”
72. Card with a reduced sticker
(Shop card at Etsy)
73. “Aside from the dog/cat, you’re my favorite.”
74. “Don’t worry, there is no sappy love poem inside this card.”
75. “Blink if you want me.”
76. “You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my with rehashing the same unresolved question … Where do you want to eat?”
77. “If I had feelings, I’d have them for you.”
78. “I tolerate you.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
79. “It’s hard to find someone who is loving, generous, sexy, caring, funny, and smart. My advice to you is: Don’t lose me!”
80. “Happy Valentine’s Day aka Happy Made-up/Non-holiday/Commersialized-to-make-you-buy-things-like-this-card-Day.”
81. “I’m so glad I get to spend this problematic holiday that reinforces heteropatriarchal gender norms with you.”
82. “Will you be my Valentine? Yes or Yes.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
83. “There is no one else I would rather spend this commercial greeting card holiday with than you.”
84. “When two people love each other, nothing is impossible. Except for deciding where to eat.”
85. “I’m so glad I ignored Mom’s advice and went on a date with a complete stranger from the internet.”
86. “There is no one else I’d rather lay in bed with and look at my phone.”
87. “Here is a nude selfie in the dark just for you. You’re welcome.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Sweet and funny Valentine’s Day card messages
SEE ALSO: DIY coloring Valentine’s Day cards →
88. “I was thinking of going to the bakery, but I already have the sweetest thing in the world at home.”
89. “The only thing outpacing inflation is my love for you.”
90. “I love you more than being right.”
91. “I love you with all my butt. I would say heart but my butt is bigger.”
92. “You are my favorite notification.”
93. “I’d let you choose the Netflix show without arguing. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
94. “I’d let you have the comfiest side of the bed every night. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
95. You’re an acquired taste… And I find you delicious!
(Shop card at Etsy)
96. “I’d let you have the remote control for the entire evening. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
97. “I love you more than Kanye loves Kanye.”
98. “I hope your day is as nice as your butt.”
99. “I’d let you have the last slice of pizza, even if it has all the toppings I love. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
100. “I love you more than -half price-margaritas on taco-Tuesday.”
101. “love you. Even when you fart under the blankets.”
102. “I’d stay up past 9 PM for you!”
(Shop card at Etsy)
103. “I love you enough to take on your student loan debt.”
104. “I’d let you have the last slice of cake, even if it’s my favorite flavor. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
105. “I’d let you have the bigger half of the cookie. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
106. “I’d let you have the window seat on the airplane, even though it’s my favorite spot. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
107. “You are my favorite person to text 138 times a day.”
108. “I’d let you choose the toppings on our pizza, even if it includes pineapple. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
109. “Thanks for always being there.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
110. “I’d let you have the last piece of chocolate in the box, even if it’s filled with salted caramel. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
111. “You give me that same feeling I get when my food is coming in the restaurant.”
112. “Screw Valentine’s Day, I love you every day of the year.”
113. “I would do anything for you. Including that thing, Meatloaf wouldn’t do.”
114. “You are the only one I’ll share my fries with.”
115. “It all started with a kiss swipe.”
116. “My favorite place is inside your hug.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Rude and funny Valentine’s Day card messages
117. “I love waking up next to you in the morning. Just don’t breathe on me.”
118. “I love you as much as the dog… Almost.”
119. “Of all the weird things I have found online, you are by far my favorite.”
120. “I totally f*cking hate everyone but you.”
121. “Roses are red, chocolate is brown. You’re getting neither so calm the f*ck down. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
122. “I wouldn’t want to put up with anybody else’s bullshit.”
123. “Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.”
124. “F*ck Valentine’s Day.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
125. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”
126. “All you need is your love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
127. “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather have snoring loud as f*ck beside me. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
128. “I hate Valentine’s Day, but I love you.”
129. “I love you as much as I hate Valentine’s Day.”
130. “Thank you for putting up with my shit, it does not go unnoticed.”
131. “Valentine’s Day, one star. Not good, would not recommend.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Valentine’s Day puns
132. “I love you from my head tomatoes.”
133. “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a ‘cute-cumber’.”
134. “If you were a fruit, you’d be a ‘fineapple’.”
135. “You’re my favorite human-bean.”
136. I like your buns and I cannot lie.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
137. “I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.”
138. “You’ve got a pizza my heart, and I don’t want to share a slice with anyone else!”
139. “I can’t espresso how much you mean to me. You’re brew-tiful!”
140. “You’ve got me hooked, lined, and sinker. You’re my catch of the day!”
141. “You spice up my life.”
SEE ALSO: Best gifts for spicy food lovers →
Funny pick-up lines for Valentine’s Day
142. “Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!”
143. “Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?”
144. “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘Fine’ written all over you.”
145. “Excuse me, but I think you dropped something: my jaw!”
146. “Is your dad a baker? Because you’re a cutie pie!”
147. “Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.”
148. “Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a strong connection.”
149. “Are you a boxer? Because you knocked me out!”
150. “Are you a broom? Because you’ve swept me off my feet!”
151. “Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Valentine’s Day messages for friends
152. “Roses are red, violets are blue, who needs romance when you have Netflix and pizza too?”
153. “Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite single friend! May your day be filled with endless chocolates and zero awkward dates.”
154. “Here’s to a Valentine’s Day filled with so much love that you won’t need a significant other to feel like the luckiest person in the world…or at least until the chocolate runs out.”
155. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m single, and you are too! Let’s embrace our independence and have a fantastic Valentine’s Day together!”
156. “Wishing you a Valentine’s Day filled with more laughter than awkward first dates and more chocolate than your heart desires. You deserve it!”
157. “Roses are red, violets are blue, forget about romance, and let’s have a barbecue!”
158. “You’re my forever Galentine. You know a lot of my secrets.”
159. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the friend who always brings joy and laughter into my life. Just a friendly reminder that I love you almost as much as pizza!”
160. “Let’s spend Valentine’s Day watching funny cat videos and eating way too much junk food. Sounds like the perfect date to me!”
161. “Roses are red, violets are blue, who needs a significant other when I have a friend like you? You make my life brighter every day!”
162. “Roses are red, violets are blue, being single is awesome, and so are you! Happy Valentine’s Day!”
163. “Roses are red, violets are blue, forget the couples, let’s celebrate just me and you! Happy Singles Awareness Day!”
164. “Being single means you don’t have to share your dessert with anyone. Life’s little perks!”
165. “Wishing you a Valentine’s Day filled with love, laughter, and enough chocolate to make even Willy Wonka jealous!”
166. “If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember no one loves you on the other days of the year either.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny Valentine’s quotes
167. “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love.”
— Dr. Seuss
168. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
— Tim Allen
169. “Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.”
— Jimmy Fallon
170. “You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”
— Mike Primavera
171. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
— Richard Jeni
172. “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.”
— Tracy Smith
173. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.”
— Melanie White
174. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.”
— Jim Gaffigan
175. “The thing about Valentine’s Day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.”
— Faye Morgan
Save these messages for Valentine’s Day
Did you save these funny Valentine’s Day card messages on Pinterest yet?
Final notes on Valentine’s Day card messages
Spread the laughter and make this 14th of February one to remember with our collection of 175 funny Valentine’s Day card messages.
From witty and sarcastic jokes to cheesy one-liners, we’ve provided you with the ammunition to bring smiles and laughter to your loved ones’ faces!
