mother's day Archives - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Mother’s Day Cold Open

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, a special Mother’s Day message from the cast of SNL.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: Hello. Hi. I am Aidy Bryant and this is my mom Georganne. [Georganne walks in] Now, you know, normally we open the show with political sketch which can sometimes be divisive. But since tomorrow is Mother’s Day, we’re gonna focus on the one thing we can all celebrate together. Moms. Mom, I’m so happy you’re here with me and thank you for all the love and support.

Georganne: Well, I’m so proud you’re on SNL.

Aidy: I know. And you’re here now.

Georganne: I know. And I can’t wait to rip it up at the after party.

Aidy: Oh! Okay, wow!

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mom]

Kenan: Everybody, this is my sweet little mommy, Ann. Mom, without your help, I would have never made it to SNL.

Ann: Kenan, I can’t imagine this show without you. Like, I actually can’t remember when you weren’t on it.

Kenan: Oh, nice. Good one. Good one. But, you like the show, right mom?

Ann: I do. Except for all the political stuff. I get it.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mom]

Melissa: This is my mom, Rupy. I love you, mom.

Rupy: I love you too. And can I tell you a secret?

Melissa: Yeah.

Rupy: [foreign language: “If you’re not in a sketch, I don’t watch it.]

Melissa: Oh. Thanks, mom.

[Cut to Mikey Day with his mom]

Mikey: This is my mom, Sylvia. Mom, did you ever think that I’d be on SNL some day?

Sylvia: No.

Mikey: Awesome. Or, remember I was in that production of “The Crucible” in high school?

Sylvia: Oh, right! Yes. You know, “The Crucible” was a lot like witch hunt against president Trump.

Mikey: Okay. Don’t love that. Let’s go.

[Cut to Luke Null with his mother.]

Luke: This is my mom, Cindy. Mom, I love you because you always give me the best advice.

Cindy: Thanks, Luke. Here’s some more. Enough with the Trump jokes.

Luke: Yes. Mom, I don’t write those.

Cindy: And why doesn’t SNL ever talk about crooked Hillary?

Luke: Mom, I’m so new here. Please do not do this to me.

[Cut to Chris Redd with his mom.]

Chris: Yeah, ma, I’m also. I’m new and black, so be cool.

Chris’s mom: I don’t understand why everyone focuses on Trump at all. When you should be focused on Jesus.

Chris: Okay. Well, Jesus isn’t president, ma.

Chris’s mom: And that’s the problem.

Chris: Okay. Come on.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney with his mom.]

Kyle: This is my mom, Linda. [cheers and applause]

Linda: I think all the political stuff gets old. I like the sketches that everyone can laugh at.

Kyle: You mean, like, my stuff.

Linda: Oh, no. No. Your stuff is crazy. I meant like, Kenan sketches.

Kyle: Very helpful. Thank you, mom.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mom]

Colin: This is my mom, Kerry. Mom, you like politics on the show, right?

Kerry: I think Alec Baldwin does a great Trump impression. But why does it have to be so mean? Who writes those stuff?

Colin: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess it’s mostly Michael Che.

[Cut to Beck Bennett with his mom.]

Beck: This is my mom, Sarah. [audience cheering]

Sarah: Beck, I love the show. But why are there so many talk shows and game shows?

Beck: Mom?

Sarah: And why don’t you do Wayne’s World anymore? That was funny.

Beck: I know, right? Let’s go find Lorn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mom]

Pete: This is my mom, Amy.

Amy: I’m so proud of you, Pete. I just don’t like it when you do all those penis jokes.

Pete: Well, not tonight, mom. Because mother’s day is all about vaginas.

Amy: My god!

[Cut to everybody in the SNL stage]

Kenan: We just wanna say Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at SNL.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk. You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway] You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away] I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause] [Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Mother’s Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete slides in]

You’re looking good.

Pete: Yeah, right? It was my idea.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Beautiful.

Pete: Thank you. I take Mother’s Day very seriously because [cut to Pete] my mom raised me and my sister by herself, and had to be dad and the mom. You know? As a kid, she was the school nurse and she always looked out for me. She would get me out of the scoliosis check or the hearing test.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you never had your hearing check?

Pete: [showing his sweatshirt] Nah, I got this from wardrobe. [Cut to Pete] See, she tried to teach me what to do with girls. She’d say like, put cologne on your palm so she’ll smell it after she gets home from the night of holding hands. And always ask a girl permission before you touch her boob, even if it’s already out. While I was fifteen, she even bought me my first pack of condoms. And then five years later when those expired, she bought me more. She was always defending me. No, she always defended me as a kid. My mom’s the best. But now, I think she needs to stop coz she’s still defending me as an adult. Like on twitter, she joined twitter with the fake username ‘joesmith3030’ so she could anonymously spy on me. And then immediately started tweeting at trolls. Like this. [a tweet appears] “No, YOU suck, don’t ever talk about Pete Davidson like that again. I will tear you apart with my bare hands. I’m his mother.” Or this jam. This one says, “@NBC, Hey Lauren Michaels. I think my son would be great in some sketches too. Winking face, #ImSingle, Wine glass emoji.”

These are real. That’s what it said. You know my mom. So, I’m here to ask for help. I want to find my mom what she really needs this Mother’s Day. And that’s a man. Coz she deserves it. You know? Like, I’m not looking for a step dad material. I don’t want to have to like, learn your name. Ma, are you video taping this?

[Cut to Pete’s mom recording]

Pete’s mom: Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m trying to tell everybody how much I love you and you making it really hard right now.

[cut to Pete’s mom]

Pete’s mom: Okay. Don’t forget to smile.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Pete: Please, kill me. Everybody, this is ridiculous.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson and his mom.

Pete: My mom is the best.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

[The End]

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause] [Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause] [Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause] [Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause] [Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause] [Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause] [Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.] [Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Living with His Mom | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Amy Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his Weekend Update set]

Colin Jost: Well, Mother’s day is tomorrow. [Laughter] Here with some thoughts is our own Pete Davidson. [Cheers and applause] [Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost] Pete Davidson: Hey, man. So this is going to be a special Mother’s day for me because this year she’s not just my mom, but she’s also my roommate. [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow. That’s great. So, you’re living with your mom?

Pete Davidson: You don’t have to say it like I’m a loser like – [Cut to Pete] I know what people think. You know, they see you on TV and magazines and stuff and they think, “Wow, that guy must have his own place.” [Laughter] You know? Nope. But it’s not like I moved into her house. I just bought a house with my mom like a winner. [Laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. I mean, I’ve heard of people buying houses for their mom.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I didn’t do that, if I buy a house, [Cut to Pete] I’m going to live in it. But I told her it’s not like a mother-son thing. Now we’re just homeys.

[Cut to Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Homeys, okay, so she’s staying out of your business?

Pete Davidson: For the most part. But I won’t lie. It’s weird to get caught masturbating at my age. [Cut to Pete] Because when you’re like 15 and your mom catches you, it’s embarrassing. But on some level when she closes the door she’s proud. You know? She’s like, “Wow, my boy is growing up.” [Cut to Pete and Colin] [Pete looks at Colin] You know? [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that’s how moms feel.

[Cut to Pete] Pete Davidson: No, but when you’re 25 and your mom catches you masturbating, it’s like this should not have happened. Who just walks into the kitchen without knocking? Thankfully, that’s a lesson my mother and sister finally learned. [laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Your sister lives there too?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and she’s 21 and still living at home. Isn’t that sad? [laughter] [Cut to Pete] It’s weird living with my mom and sister because sometimes I’ll see a strange dude in the house and I don’t know if he’s some dirt bag preying on my sister of the saint who’s going to take my mom off my hands. [laughter] But she really is the best and I put her through a lot so I’d like to bring her out. Please welcome the greatest roommate in the world, Amy Davidson, everybody.

[Amy Davidson joins Pete]

Amy Davidson: Hi everybody.

[Cut to Amy, Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Hi, Mrs. Davidson.

Amy Davidson: Hi Colin. Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: Thank you. [laughter]

Pete Davidson: Hey man, be nice. It’s my mom.

Colin Jost: What do you guys have planned for tomorrow?

Pete Davidson: What do you mean? I put her on TV. This is it. [Cut to Amy and Pete] You never know. Jon Hamm could be single and watching.

Amy Davidson: I’d also settle for James Spader.

Pete Davidson: All right. You’d settle for a ninja turtle. I just need a new dad.

[Cut to Amy, Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: Pete and his mom, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night!