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Dear Care and Feeding,
I work evenings and I am the primary caregiver of my 6-month-old granddaughter. My daughter lives with me and works mornings often on weekends. She is trying (again) to work on her relationship with my granddaughter’s father, “Jake.” Jake has twin 8-year-old sons with his ex. They both work weekends, too. I tried watching the boys, but their behavior is atrocious and their manners nonexistent. They do not say “please” or “thank you” and instead feel free to make demands even after I tell them “no.” They do not flush the toilet or wash their hands. I can’t take them out shopping because they will run away or throw a fit because they didn’t get a treat. Jake and his ex don’t see anything wrong with this, nor do they show any appreciation for my free help. I hit my limit when I found one of the boys had peed all over the bathroom floor again and then argued with me when I made him get gloves and clean it up himself.
I talked to their mother when she came to pick the boys up. This has been a continual problem and it needed to be addressed. She rolled her eyes at me and told me it wasn’t my place to tell her how to raise her sons.
I told her this was my place, and I didn’t appreciate having her sons leaving mess after mess and arguing with me when they had to clean up after themselves. They left, and I texted Jake about the conversation. He told me not to be difficult. At this point, I was done, so I informed everyone it would be my last weekend watching the twins. Everyone got up in arms over this, but I held firm. Jake and his ex fought over who had to skip work to take the boys, and my daughter accused me of trying to torpedo her relationship. I love my daughter and granddaughter, but I did not approve of how my daughter acts like her choices exist in a vacuum. Jake rarely cares for my granddaughter and also never pays for baby supplies. My daughter insists they will work things out and will not seek child support. It has been a month, and things still haven’t improved. What do I do? I am at the end of my rope here.
—Bathroom Blues
Dear Bathroom,
Continue to hold firm. Those boys are a nightmare and they are not your problem. It is not your responsibility to placate your daughter’s trifling baby daddy. She’s worried about holding on to what I feel safe to assume is a mediocre relationship with a man who won’t care for the child they have together, and she’ll probably be better off when he leaves for good. If your daughter is angry with you now, oh well. She relies on you too much, she’ll get over it. If she feels the need to complain about your refusal to care for the twins, remind her that she is very lucky to have to have you providing your services to her—which you don’t have to do.
—Jamilah
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