A Letter to You

Dear You, 

Every day still feels like I am waking up in a bad dream that just keeps happening. Every time I see a white car with a sunroof in the parking lot, I double-check if it is you. Every day I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking about me too. 

I felt like we always had a great connection from day one. We saw each other almost every day since that day we went out. We chatted online or sent Instagrams. It was like I had found a best friend and a romantic partner. 

Another positive was that his family welcomed me with open arms. I felt like an orphan after both of my parents passed. Your family became my family. You should not stay in a relationship if you are happy just to make me comfortable in the area. But i do wonder if you thought about this. I wonder if you realized how much you were hurting me.

The adventures we went on were limited, but I always loved them. Because they were with you. I loved how excited you got about showing me things or telling me about things that you cared about.  You made me love or care about so many things that you enjoy, like Disneyland, tiki culture, and even wrestling. I made an effort to care about your interests that I wasn't very interested in. That is what you do for people you really care about.

You comforted me in so many painful times. You were there during dialysis, transplant, other medical issues, my parents, and any sad moments. Things could be boring, yes. I appreciated you being with me through all of those things. 

I thought we loved and cared for each other. It was obvious at times that you loved me. Other times not so much. I think that at some point you realized that we didn't have a future. I don't know why you didn't see a future with me. But it sounds like you figured that out a while ago and just kept going with our relationship without expressing those feelings. You also didn't make an effort to improve anything. 

I don't know why you didn't want to or try to improve things between us. I don't know why you didn't talk to me about what was bothering you about me. I will never know or understand what was happening with you because you never told me. 

All of last year you seemed down. I thought it was work. Whenever I asked how you were doing or sad you seemed down, you would reply that you were fine or I'm just being quiet. I suggested things to do, places to eat, "date nights," and always asked how your day was. You always thought "date nights" were cheesy, but what if we had planned dates?  I thought I was helpful in the home and supportive of your needs. Apparently, i was wrong, which just makes me feel stupid now. 

What did I do? What could I have done? Why am I blaming myself?

I do not understand any of what you were feeling. You could have shared. It would have been difficult for both us to have hard conversations, but maybe things would be great between us now or my feelings wouldn't be so fucking hurt right now. Maybe you wanted a drinking buddy, which you knew was not me. Maybe you wanted someone hotter or someone that could keep up with you physically or stay up all night. 

I do not know these answers because you didn't tell me. Someone told me that maybe I shouldn't ask for the answers because they might be even more painful that not knowing. Now I think they might be right. Maybe the reason you didn't see a future with me is because of physical things. I gained weight, lost hair, constantly have needle bruises, have to wear a dexcom, and now i have to wear hearing aids. That is a lot for one person, maybe that became too much for you. Too unattractive for you. We both know I'm not the most beautiful gal in the world. 

Whatever you went through your head it became the end of us without discussion, without trying changes, without my opinions taken in. It hurts. It still hurts. 

I hope that you can be happy. I hope that you learn to communicate with partners in the future. I think we should have worked on ourselves and worked on relationship. It could have been something amazing. I still love you and T so much. I would probably take you back if that came about, but somehow i don't think that will ever happen. 

I don't even know if we will ever talk again. Sometimes I still want to send you messages or things on Instagramm that i think you would like. We went from talking every day for more than five years to being strangers. You made us strangers. You only. My heart hurts so much. 

P.S. I saw your letterboxd review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. There are a lot of ways to interpret that. Interfering. 

Also, don’t say a relationship has a “shelf life.” I’m not rotten food to throw out.