What to say (and what not to say) to pregnant women about parenthood

Does telling a mother-to-be about the realities of birth and parenting equip them with the information they need or just unnecessarily scare them?

Journalist Rose Stokes is pregnant with her first child and has been inundated with horror stories of birth and parenting from friends, family and strangers.

She spoke to BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour about her experience and how she thinks we can approach these conversations with more sensitivity. Psychotherapist Anna Mathur also joined us to share her best advice about what to say and what not to say to expectant mothers.

“I have one of those ‘baby on board’ badges that I wear when I’m in public,” says Rose. “I went to the nail salon before Christmas and one of the managers came up to me and saw my badge. She started asking me about my pregnancy along the normal script of: ‘How far along are you? How are you feeling?’ And then she launched into this monologue about how my life would be over, how painful childbirth was and how difficult it was all going to be.

“I was just inundated by this deluge of negative parenting experiences and birth horror stories I’d been told from friends and strangers since announcing my news. The sum of it all was having a negative impact on my mental health and making me feel very anxious about the task ahead.

“To counter this, I asked parents on social media, in a now-viral thread, what they loved about having children. The response was overwhelmingly positive. It made me think about how — in trying to make the parenting experience more realistic for expectant mothers and fathers, or those who want to conceive in the future — perhaps we are at risk sometimes of actively putting them off or scaring them unnecessarily.”

So, how can we approach giving advice to expectant mothers in a sensitive way? Journalist Rose Stokes and psychotherapist Anna Mathur both shared their advice.

“As many people who have been pregnant know, it is a time that can be punctuated by intense emotions, not least because of all of the changing hormones,” says Rose. “Research has shown the importance of maintaining good mental health during pregnancy, both for the benefit of expectant mothers, but also their offspring.

“So why choose now to burden them with stories of doom of what’s to come? By asking them how they’re doing, or even if they’d like you to give them advice, you’re opening up a conversation that ultimately gives the pregnant person an opportunity to decide whether or not they’re in the right frame of mind to hear about the horror stories, or whether it’s best to leave it.”

“As an expectant mother, have a practiced sentence to utter to those who might offer a birth story or advice you don’t want to hear,” says Anna. “For example: ’It’s so kind of you to be willing to share your story with me, but I’m trying to focus on equipping myself with tools and positive thoughts.’

“Talking through trauma in the right context is therapeutic and helpful for the person who has been through it. However, secondary trauma can come to those who are vulnerable to the retelling – for example, hearing about a traumatic birth when pregnant. It can provoke anxiety and fear. When speaking to an expectant mother, rewind back to how you felt at that time. Think of what might bring her hope and comfort her instead.”

“In many cases, when negative parenting stories are doled out, or warnings such as ‘just you wait until this’ or ‘make the most of it while you can,’ the giver of the advice isn’t necessarily thinking about the person they are talking to and wanting to share their own pain instead,” says Rose. “It makes sense that we’d all want to do this with one another, and it can be really helpful and healing to do so.

“But perhaps think about who your audience is, and whether your advice is actually going to help them, or whether it is specific to your own child and may not end up being relevant. Every birth and baby is different, and it’s important to remember this when giving out advice.”

“Knowledge is power... unless we are overwhelmed by it,” says Anna. “Other people’s candid experiences of motherhood can be empowering and freeing for mothers with children who feel and grasp the intensity of the love, which brings balance. But for those on the sidelines, the candidness doesn’t come with the balance. So, to be told about those negative experiences without feeling the love and bond, it can feel one dimensional and anxiety provoking.

“This is especially difficult with social media. It makes so many different mother’s experiences public. It’s unfiltered and those posts can be seen by all. Social media and forums can be a go-to as there is always something to relate to. However, it is skewed as those with the normal, mundane, textbook experiences are far less likely to feel a need to share. If you’re becoming overwhelmed, step away from social media or unfollow/mute those who trigger fear for you.”

“This is quite a specific one, but you will not believe how often expectant parents hear this same thing said,” says Rose. “Even when said in jest, it can be an overwhelming thing to hear when every single person you speak to is saying it.

“It is, of course, important that people are made aware of the challenges ahead. But being pregnant can be a tricky time for people, emotionally and physically, especially the first time round.”

“I’m now officially halfway through my pregnancy and I’ve lost count of how many people have tried to put me off (very safe) epidurals and c-sections, as well as telling me how important it is to breastfeed,” says Rose. “Ultimately, though all this advice is well-meaning, I have no idea who my baby is going to be and whether or not they’ll sleep, feed from the breast with ease or anything else about them for that matter.

“The weight of everyone else’s opinions and expectations can start to feel a lot like pressure, when ultimately, the best course of action is surely to respond to my baby however it needs to be responded to.

“Sometimes it can be hard to separate out the opinions of others from what we actually want to do ourselves, and we should at least give parents-to-be the opportunity to decide for themselves how they’d like to approach the task of raising their children.”

“When I was pregnant, one day a mother stopped me on the steps from the nursery drop off,” says Anna. “Noticing my huge bump, she said: ‘Three is something special. It’s intense but amazing’. I was both surprised by and revelling in her positivity. It set a spring in my step. So, share your positive experiences!”

“Being honest about parenting also means sharing the good stuff,” says Rose. “This can be hugely uplifting and can help to make people feel much more positive about what’s to come, which is especially important in the final few weeks as birth approaches.

“While it’s important to make sure that people aren’t set up with unrealistic expectations when it comes to parenting, allowing them to know that there are many good times ahead too can really help to reduce their anxiety. Ultimately, it’s important to remember that challenging periods of life can also be hugely rewarding, and that pain and joy can co-exist — we are all complex beings after all.”

Listen back to the full interview with Rose Stokes and Anna Mathur on BBC Sounds, where you can also listen back to any episodes of Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Join the conversation @bbcwomanshour on Instagram and Twitter.