Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the stepparent of a 6-year-old girl. Her mom and dad have been separated since she was 2.5 years old (3.5 years ago). Her dad and I have been together since 2018 and have lived together since 2019.
When the little girl is with us, we try to keep our normal routines, schedules, and treat everyone in the home equally and respectfully. However, when she is with her mom, the world stops. Every available waking moment is invested in the little girl. She has constant activities, adventures, and stimulation, plus undivided attention from her mom and grandmother. So she feels entitled to the same when she’s with us.
She has a basement playroom and a tent, toys, and books in her room at our house. We do activities with her when we can, but we also value adult time, privacy, and structure. When she is here, she brings toys into the living room, which is perfectly fine, but it means that all her dad and I can do during that time is watch her play or watch her watch kids’ programs. It’s the only time she is not hanging off someone’s leg or neck, wanting to play.
We do not get a moment’s rest. She needs constant attention. She’s always saying, “Look at me!” Whenever we leave the room, she follows us around. She constantly interrupts conversations, does not say please and thank you, and the more attention we give her, the more she demands.
My boyfriend is struggling with consequences and consistency out of guilt. My boyfriend feels guilty that he’s raising a daughter whose parents are no longer together and doesn’t want to spend all his time with his daughter fighting, punishing, and saying no. He’s scared she won’t want to come here anymore.
But this little girl is manipulative because she is allowed to be. She has told my boyfriend and me straight up that she likes when he and I aren’t getting along because she gets whatever she wants from her dad. She is excessively rude to me, screams at me, hits me, can never do anything I ask of her, and doesn’t listen. I’ve tried asking her if she’s hurting or upset or unhappy, and she says no, and that she’s just acting out because she wants to. It is exhausting, and honestly she is not enjoyable to be around.
I have an adult child myself, and I was a single mother, so I know how difficult managing separation and difficult behavior can be. I’ve tried suggesting counseling—for the girl alone or for the family—but neither parent is open to that. I love the child dearly and try to teach her things that I know my boyfriend and I value, but more and more, I just don’t want to be around her every other week. I don’t want “our” lives to grind to a halt every time she is home. My boyfriend changes completely when his daughter is here. He’s on eggshells and loses his patience. We fight constantly about this and it is taking a toll on our relationship. I love him and his daughter very much but don’t feel I have any control of my life anymore.
—Am I Overreacting?
Dear Am I Overreacting,
No. You’re not. But that’s not the question you should be asking yourself. A better question, at this point, would be, if things progress as they have for the entirety of our relationship, will I be happy and fulfilled with my partner and his daughter?
If you’ve lived with your boyfriend for over two years, then his approach to parenting in the home you share is already well known to you. So is his attitude toward coparenting. He does not sound inclined to change the way that he handles communicating with his daughter’s mom or disciplining his daughter. Nothing you’ve suggested or attempted has yielded positive results. Your intervention in the parenting process has been, if not unwelcome, then ineffective. You can’t bend your boyfriend and your daughter to your will and, clearly, he does not intend to parent his child the way you parented yours.
Some of your expectations of your household dynamic seem unreasonable. It’s natural for your boyfriend’s 6-year-old to want to command his attention. She doesn’t live with him, she may feel like her time with him is more limited than she’d like, and, well, she’s 6. Of course your household dynamic will change with her presence! You should anticipate her joining you and her father to play with toys and watch kid-appropriate TV during most of her waking hours. It doesn’t sound like she’s had much one-on-one time with her dad, and rather than expecting her to cede that time to you, it may be helpful to remove yourself from the situation at times, both for her sake and for your sanity. Go out for a few hours. Or go to another room. These are small adjustments you can make to contribute to a less tense environment.
Your adult conversation, relaxation, and private moments can occur after her bedtime or in the weeks she doesn’t spend with you. As an adult in the dynamic, you should be better able to adjust and adapt than she is. Of course, your willingness to do that is contingent on how you answer my first question to you: If nothing changes in this relationship, will you be able to accept things just as they are? Bear in mind that, though you’ve mentioned your love for the child, your letter’s tone is far more annoyed than it is loving. It’s possible that you’ve already reached a point where your frustration has frayed your patience and negatively colored your feelings about this family. Remember that you’re the only person in this situation who is free to leave it, guilt- and obligation-free, and consider exercising some of the control you feel you’ve lost.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are hoping to start having kids in the near future, and I am excited to tackle most parenting challenges, except one issue that keeps making me anxious: I am a very sleepy person! I need at least eight and a half hours of sleep a night in order to function, and lack of sleep really impacts my mental and physical health. If I don’t get enough sleep, I often will fall asleep at work, fall asleep watching TV in the evenings, or generally be grouchy and impatient. In college I often would develop colds from lack of sleep, so since then I have made it a central priority of my life to sleep enough and my life has improved significantly.
I always hear about how a side effect of pregnancy is insomnia, and how most new parents spend months at a time totally sleep-deprived. Is getting enough sleep something that I could plan to prioritize as a new mom, or are sleepless nights and grumpy and exhausted days all I have to look forward to until my future kids sleep through the night?
—Future Sleepy Mom
Dear Future Sleepy Mom,
Every pregnant parent’s experience with sleep is different. You may not suffer from insomnia while you’re expecting, but it may be a good idea to speak with your OB-GYN about your concerns. They may be able to recommend some healthy sleep strategies for you to try, in the event that it becomes an issue. Prepare for sleep to become less consistent and comfortable the further along you get in your pregnancy. The more the baby grows and moves, the more challenging it is to find sleep positions that are conducive to uninterrupted rest.
Post-birth sleep will be trickier, as so much of how parents rest is contingent on how and when their newborn rests. If you plan to breastfeed and want to try to avoid waking up multiple times a night for feedings, you could try pumping a reserve of milk during the day and coordinating with your husband to bottle-feed during the night while you sleep. If you plan to use formula, the same coordination and scheduling would apply.
Ultimately, pre-parenting norms and “must-haves” are disrupted after babies enter the family, and it sounds like you’re already doing your best to mentally prepare for that. There’s no real way to ensure that you’ll have access to the same amount of sleep you have now. But if you’ll have access to a community who’ll be willing to share in the early-days child care responsibilities with you and your husband, you just may be able to grab a few extra hours of sleep while someone bounces and feeds the baby in the next room. You seem adept at making your mental health a priority, which is great. The upside of all of the interrupted sleep is the sweet baby you’ll have. Good luck!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m embarrassed to be writing this question, because it feels like a problem for children and not adults, which is why I’m writing to you. I’m one of three generally tightknit siblings in our late 20s. My brother and sister live 15 minutes apart, while I live on the other side of the country for work. My sister and her partner recently announced her pregnancy (for them a surprise, but a welcome one). She’s incredibly excited and I know she’s going to be a great, nurturing, patient mom.
I said all the right things (I hope) over FaceTime when I got the news, and have been cooing over ultrasounds and sympathizing about terrible maternity pants ever since. The thing is, I feel jealous and insecure. I’m worried about the ways the baby will change our relationship, that she won’t have time for me anymore, that the dual pressures of new parenthood and distance will cut me out of her life, especially because, for various reasons, she’s likely to be doing most of the heavy lifting without her partner.
How can I show up for her as an expectant and then new parent when I live far away? And how can I let go of this feeling? Google is just giving me books for elementary kids about becoming a big sister, but what if I feel the same way as those 7-year olds at 27?
—27 Going on 7
Dear 27,
We all brace for big changes differently. You’re right to anticipate that your sister’s time and attention will become less available to you in the early days of her mothering experience, and it’s all right for you to feel a sense of imminent loss about it.
However, it sounds like your sister will really need you and whoever else is willing to help, if she’ll be taking on most of the responsibilities herself. Commit to staying in communication with her, whether by phone, text, or video call, to check in and see if there’s anything she may need or want. Don’t take offense if it takes a few tries before she’s able to respond. Surprise her with deliveries and gifts in the mail, both baby-related ones and completely unrelated-to-mothering ones (fun things you know she likes, like a favorite candy, an audiobook, jewelry, or hair accessories—anything that you remember making her smile in the past). If possible, connect with her local friends and community to help organize a meal train or diaper donation effort. And most of all, be patient with the changing dynamics of your relationship. Try not to assume the worst of the future. This experience could just as easily wind up drawing the two of you closer as it could create distance between you. Hope for the greatest good. And don’t be too hard on yourself. Again, it’s OK to mourn the things that won’t quite be the same, while also embracing the change to come. Wishing you all the best!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
We are about to have a very normal but challenging family change—a new baby. My son will be 2.5 when the baby is born. I am expecting all the normal frictions, but wondering if some of our pandemic patterns may make things worse, and if it is worth changing anything ahead of time to make the transition easier.
Because there’s been no place for us to go, he’s used to having both parents around almost all the time. We regularly take turns with things like bath time or going to the park, but in general the three of us are together. Since he goes to day care and is only home a few hours each night, we often spend that time fairly focused on playing with him. He’s a pretty independent kid, but likes to show us his block towers, read a book with us, play ball, etc., and we generally do that when he asks since we’re not doing other things (and he’s so cute!). We do most of his bedtime routine together. I’m worried that he will struggle more than usual when one of us is taking care of the baby and can’t give him the attention that he wants.
Is there any value in trying to impose more unavailability on our time now to prepare him for the future? Should we try to spend more time one-on-one rather than all together, or ask him to wait more when he wants to play with us? Or should we soak up all these last moments when we are able to focus exclusively on him? I’d prefer the latter because I really enjoy it, but I want to do whatever will make things easier for him when the really big changes come.
—Always Together
Dear Always Together,
There’s no harm in continuing to spend uninterrupted time with your son before his sibling arrives. It’s the last time he won’t be asked to share. It sounds like he does have a good deal of experience being away from both parents, since he’s been in day care. The transition to sharing some of his at-home time with the new baby may not be as challenging as you fear it will.
The ideas you’ve suggested in your letter—spending more one-on-one time and asking him to be patient while you tend to other things—will be great to implement after the baby arrives. Also consider finding ways to include him in care for the new baby. Let him hang out during feedings or sing a song to the baby together, things that reassure him that he’s still welcome in a space even if he isn’t the center of attention there. Congratulations on your new addition and enjoy your remaining time as a family of three!
—Stacia
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