As young girls, we grow up dreaming of our happy endings and princes sweeping us off our feet, but we never dream of him having his own family and us dealing with being a part of that already established entity. No girl ever dreams of becoming the step -mother! Who would willingly want to be the Evil witch from no man’s land? Nevertheless this parental role is becoming more so of a reality for an increasing number of women whether due to the spouse being a widower or because of the rather growing divorce rate. So as a result, rather than starting families in the conventional way, many women are immersed into motherhood as stepmothers the day they jump on the broom.
We all grew up surrounded by fairytale stories and movies. They are generally used to instil values and teach children morals. Since a child’s mind is like a sponge, it absorbs whatever it sees, hears and feels. It was intriguing to realize how these mystical tales affect young children’s minds. Unfortunately throughout this process they create harmful and negative thoughts while also exposing them to various stereotypes, one of which is the image of a stepmother. Let’s face it; fairytales give step moms a bad reputation.
Young girls are brought up with a distorted image of reality. Good always wins over evil, good is always pretty and bad is inevitably ugly, stepmoms are from hell and finally, happy endings with the living happily ever after part are a must.
Have you ever heard of a fairy tale where the word “stepmother” was NOT preceded by one of these words “wicked, evil, or witch?” I have not. They are depicted as the raw personification of evil. They always look ugly and spiteful. It is a stereotype that is so robustly portrayed to the extent that it blurs the line between fiction and reality. There’s something so compelling about the evil stepmothers’ duplicitous blend of mean to the kids versus nice to dad behavior that tends to attract storytellers. They sort of have a genetic mutation that makes them meaner than anyone else. Who would ever forget “Snow White’s” wicked stepmother who kept on talking with her mirror? “Cinderella’s” Lady Tremaine who forbade her from going to the ball? What about all those other stepmoms, such as “Fiona in a Cinderella Story, or Queen Narissa in Enchanted, or the abusive stepmother in Hansel and Gretel”. The list is never ending.
So for this year’s celebration of Mother’s day I have decided to use this happy occasion to celebrate the love these 2nd mothers have to offer us and to thank mine for being there in my life and to tell her how much I love her. Here is to all the great stepmoms out there, I salute thee.
What would magical tales be without step mothers? The stepmom is society’s favourite symbol of evil, willingly showering nastiness on innocent young children and locking up beauties. Thank God real life is different, but regrettably the misconceptions surrounding stepmothers are still there. Maybe with the world changing and society being more aware of this stereotype, step moms can step out of the fairy tale moulds and show the world what they are really made of. For them to do so, I have compiled 10 commandments on how to become a good stepmother in order to finally shift the scale.
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1 The kids had no choice.
Firstly you need to accept that you are the one coming into an already prevailing relationship and need to be ready for the consequences. You chose their father and indirectly have chosen them. Be realistic that the road ahead is not as rosy as you might have wished.
2 Never bad mouth or put the birth mom down in front of the kids.
This can cause irrevocable harm. It may even make them defensive or put them in a situation where they have to pick sides. They will jealously guard the memory of their mother whom they will always favour.
3 Never put the children in the middle.
Problems between you, your husband and the biological mother should always remain as such. Never make the kids part of the problem and never have them feel that they are a burden.
4 Love the kids and put yourself in their shoes.
Understand that they have nothing against you, it is the circumstances that they are in which is making them rebellious. They will try to test you and push all your buttons, it is probably not personal. Remember they just need reassurance and to make sure that their father’s love for you will not replace his love for them. They are just obsessive about him.
5 Try to never favor your own children.
If and when the time comes for you to have your own children, always be fair to all the kids. They are all brothers and sisters and you want them to grow up to love one another and not resent each other. Make sure that your step-kids know that they are loved and that they are not second best.
6 Never “Triangulate” between your hubby and step kids.
It is a twisted relationship in which 3 people are usually involved. It usually applies to parents, step-parents and the kids. Always keep in mind that there is a relationship between you and your hubby without them involved, another between your spouse and the kids without you involved and finally one between you and the kids without anyone else involved.
7 Always be there for them.
Your step-kids have probably gone through a lot already, from the divorce or losing their mother to being passed over from parent to parent. They are not the most secure children in this world. All they need is security and stability in their lives and to know that you will be there for them no matter what and no matter how bad they might be to you. You are here to stay. They also need to know that you are not taking their father from them.
8 Be a parent and a friend.
It is important to grasp the fine line between educating them and being their friend. They need an environment with good strong values. Be firm when needed and set your boundaries while still being a fun parent. Maintain a schedule, even though you may only have them for a short while, it does not mean that they should disobey all the rules.
9 Make them feel at home.
Set a space for them so that they feel that this is their home too and that you are not just taking their father away. This may include a bedroom, or at least a bed, dresser etc. They need to feel they belong to this family too.
10 Be Patient and Wait.
As the saying goes, patience is a virtue. It is not wise to expect good things to happen overnight. Cut the kids some slack and give them time to adjust to the new situation. You need to trust that if you have done your best at being the finest step mom you can ever be; they will one day realize it.
Remember that you will probably hear the occasional I hate you, you are not my mom, and I don’t want you in my life before the dust settles and you finally hear the much awaited I love you, you mean a lot to me and finally we are family. Don’t give up however much you may feel like it at times. It will all be worth it in the end. Relationships need constant nurturing and work, day in and day out, for it to blossom. The day you finally realize how wonderful these kids grow up to be and it brings tears to your eyes; will be the day you’ve become a good stepmom.
So no matter how bad the fairy tales may portray you, one day the script doctor will finally decide that these movies need curing and will inevitably drop at least one nice stepmom. He will realize that it is time for a new era of fairy tales, ones in which the step mom is there for the children, and the word stepmother is preceded by the words such as “kind and loving” and last but not least a true and much awaited: “And they ALL; and I must highlight the word ALL lived happily ever after…”
