I want to preface my post by stating up front that the reason I am going to commit suicide is due to exceptionally horrific (elective) plastic surgery that has left me damaged beyond repair. I have developed SEVERE depression, PTSD, social anxiety/isolation, nerve damage, a constant pain that feels like my flesh is burning and the list goes on. I realize that I have essentially done this to myself and want to state that in order to allow those who may not be compassionate to my situation to move on.
My life has become a living hell. I used to be active, social, successful, outgoing and happy and due to my horrific surgery I am an empty shell of a person that I don’t even know or recognize. I pray each night for God to have mercy on me and put me out of my misery but I manage to wake up every morning in tears, disappointed that I will have to suffer another day. If I could give my life, my organs or my able bodied limbs to those who are in desperate need - I would do it in a heartbeat. I have decided I am going to hang myself in so that as many of my organs can be saved and used to help those who are in need. I will glad give my ruined life to save others. Since my surgery I have contemplated suicide, much like I do now, but I never formulated a plan, now I have. I view everything in the world around me as a potential means to end my life. I have been thinking about when I would do it and have decided that it will happen sometime in the near future, once I completely tie up all lose ends. It will be after my Family goes to sleep - I will hang myself in the back yard using my child’s jolly jumper. It pains me and sickens me to write those words, I can’t believe this is what my life has become.
In the past few months I have ended up in ER twice and a psych hospital twice due to almost taking my own life. The embarrassment I feel, on top of everything else, of have to explain to medical professionals that this was brought on by elective plastic surgery is extremely demoralizing. The pain I feel physically, emotionally and mentally is so excruciating that the only way to end my suffering is to end my life. I have tried to turn this around and I am tired of the constant failed attempts to make myself whole again; extensive therapy, medications, and anything else that was recommended has failed and I have found myself falling deeper into this pit of despair. I love my Family dearly but I have to think about their happiness before my own. I realize it hurts them to see me hurting and it hurts me knowing that my suffering is hurting them daily. They deserve to be happy and I have been selfish for long enough having put them through my miserable existence. My husband is in his mid 30’s and our child is quite young, they both have a lot of time to lead the lives they deserve without having to worry about me.
Here’s a small bit of my backstory…
A few years ago I had breast and body surgery performed at a Cosmetic Surgical Center in Scottsdale, AZ by a “World Renowned Husband and Wife Cosmetic Surgical Team” (as they are advertised to be). Through my questions during the consultation process I feel that I was lead to believe that both of these surgeons were Board Certified Plastic/Cosmetic surgeons. This ultimately lead me to select these surgeons as this assurance lead me to believe that both surgeons harbored the high level of skill, education, experience, technique, and expertise that a board certified plastic/cosmetic surgeons spends years achieving. It wasn’t until after they had collected my money (what I consider to be a fortune) and left me with extensive deformities, irregularities, asymmetry, unnecessary scarring, nerve damage and physical pain all over my body (that was not there prior to surgery) that I discovered that they are NOT Board Certified Plastic Surgeons and they are NOT Board Certified Cosmetic Surgeons (I confirmed this by contacting The American Board of Plastic Surgery and The American Board of Cosmetic Surgery). The board certification they do hold is in the specialty/field of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery. I essentially feel that I was duped in to trusting oral surgeons to perform plastic/cosmetic surgery on me.
I have consulted with many Board Certified Cosmetic Surgeons since and hearing what they have to say has made matters worse as it has become excruciatingly apparent that the damage that has been done is not fixable. They have also informed me that an actual plastic surgeon would NOT have suggested, recommended or performed the majority of what the oral surgeons did as plastic surgeons are highly trained and easily determine if something is necessary or not. I feel that plastic/cosmetic surgeons actually care more about the patient and the results they can achieve (after all patients are walking billboards and free advertisement) than they do about the money. These plastic surgeons were also able to determine, via before/after photos, that surgery would have caused more damage, for me, than it could have improved and they would not have performed surgery on me, as the risk was not worth it. The oral surgeons used outdated techniques that exasperated and caused excessive scarring, deformities and irregularities – I feel that no other surgeon would have done this to me, if they were truly board certified, because they would have known of and respected the risks. It’s hard to have multiple reputable surgeons ask me “How did you end up in that office?” and “Sadly, I don’t believe any other surgeon would have done what they did as most reputable surgeons adhere to proper ethics and standards.” I agree with their opinions on this.
Needless to say, I feel exceptionally violated and sadly, for me there is no correcting this colossal mistake. My biggest regret in life is trusting these two surgeons as I feel that I essentially paid them to slice me up and leave me to suffer – ultimately signing my own death certificate. I realize how vain this may sound to many of you but if you could see the damage, or feel my pain, I truly feel you would have better understanding of just how devastating this situation is for me. I am almost done tying up all lose ends and have written all of my notes to my loved ones, as well as to local/national reporters and media outlets, I have included photos of the damage as well as a recount of my entire experience and I hope that it helps others learn from my mistakes and helps others avoid suffering the same fate as I have.
I guess I am reaching out in hopes that someone out there has had a similar experience and could offer me any sort of suggestions that could help alleviate even the slightest amount of pain to help me get through until the day when I finally can't take it anymore...
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This sounds like an awful thing to go through. I'm so sorry youre in pain and upset. Do you have the option to sue the doctors? I know money wont change your situation but it might help. Have you spoken to your husband about how you are feeling? Is he supportive of you?
I can't even explain how deep, constant and torturous the pain is for me. I am currently working with a medical malpractice lawyer and I am going to move forward with a lawsuit. I have recently discovered that these two doctors have been party to approx 40 lawsuits and have quite the appetite for litigation. I have also discovered that they have a very soiled reputation and I am not the first patient that the female surgeon has lied to about their credentials. It's not going to be easy but I'm not only fighting for myself, but for others. No one should have to endure what I have. What more can these two take from me? They have already destroyed my life. My husband is very supportive, he is also very scared because of what this has done to me, he is afraid to lose me but he also experiences, first hand, the pain I suffer daily. He lives in constant fear that I will commit suicide, and ultimately I know that I will. I must admit though that it has been helpful for me to connect with people on this site, feeling supported is a powerful gift to be given and for a second I feel that things can get better but ultimately I know that it won't. I feel like I won't be able to over come being lied to or the immeasurable feelings of violation. Especially with the constant daily reminder of head to toe deformities, irregularities, scarring, skin discoloration...even now, all I want to do is end my life to end this pain. Thank you for your support, it truly means a lot
That's really good that you are going through with legal action. It sounds like the surgeons deserve it. Perhaps you will gain some sense of peace if they are brought to justice, even if it doesnt solve the physical pain. Is there any option to have further surgery or treatment to solve the physical issues?
It sounds like your husband cares for you a lot, it must be hard for him to see you suffering and I am sure he doesnt want to lose you. I'd implore you to go to him if you ever get really close to ending it. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you, and he will want to help you find some happiness in life, which I hope is possible for you.
Why don't you sue them and use the money to see doctor than could heal and repair the damages??
Hey! You're right to be angry and hurt. What was done to you is fucked up. But your anger and hurt shouldn't be directed at yourself, it should be directed at the people who hurt you. Have you considered legal action? What if you could save just one other person from going through what you have? Wouldn't that be worth the effort?
I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do about yourself. That sucks. I can imagine how incredibly, inescapably violating it is to have someone do that to your body. That's horrible. But please remember that your husband, and especially your kid DO NOT view you like that. Your kid just wants YOU. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain, and hopefully you can bring a suit against those horrible doctors, but the pain your husband will feel if you kill yourself must be at least as great. Please reconsider! I'm sure it's hard and painful and seems endless... but please don't do that to your husband and child.
I have tried to direct my anger and hurt elsewhere but ultimately I feel that I was the one who made the ultimate decision to choose oral surgeons to perform a job that board certified plastic/cosmetic surgeons should have done. Yes, the female doctor lied right to my face about their credentials and experience but I just can't get past the regret I feel and the results. I wish I was made aware of their horrible reputation both personally and in the plastic/cosmetic surgery community before letting them touch me! You nailed it, I feel inescapably violated. Every time I look at my husband and child I think of how much happiness these two surgeons have robbed from life. I don't look anything like the person I was when I met my husband (physically) and I never want my child to grow up and understand exactly why mommy suffers and cries as much she does every day. They can see the pain I am in and part of me truly believes that they will feel sad when I'm gone but they're feel relieved that I am no longer in pain. Thank you for your support - re reading these comments really helps, if only for a small moment
Sorry for the late reply -- I've been trying to no-computer it as much as possible for a couple days during the holidays. I'm glad if some of the words here have helped you get through this time, but don't give up! Please, you are so much more to your family than you can imagine. Hang in there <3
Please please speak with a medical malpractice attorney. You have the right to be made whole again and these twits are the ones who get to pay for it.
I too empathize with your situation. You are just in so much pain and anguish; it comes through in every sentence and it's clear how badly you want to stop the pain.
I too had a similar experience and like you was considering or even planning suicide. I talked to a good friend of mine who explained to me at a time when as you, that even because my child was merely an infant at that time and didn't know me yet, that I would be subjecting her to the same pain I was feeling, for a LIFETIME.
I then happened to see this documentary on TV within a few days and saw so many people feeling so hurt by the suicide of their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and children.
i HIGHLY recommend watching this to open your eyes to what would happen to your family, and to consider some other options:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s361boWoaxM
Remember, you don't want to die. You just want to be out of pain.
Big hugs to you and feel free to write me publicly or privately.
Thank you so very much. I am going to pm and would love to get some more advice of how you were able to over come the ordeal you went though
No problem, my pleasure. I'm sorry I've been gone for 4 days. I caught a MONSTER cold and have been mostly in bed blowing my nose, coughing, and shivering!!
Hope your holidays are going along in a tolerable fashion or even with some smiles here and there.
You'll get through this. Keep going! :)
Feel free to write back at any time.
This is the perfect opportunity to learn to love yourself as much as your family does. Imagine how you are making your husband feel... why did you need to "look better"? Now you are making him feel like his love isn't enough. Live your life with them! Your looks don't define you. They will be so much better off with you in their lives. Leaving them like this will scar both of them for eternity, causing them to wonder why you care more about your appearance than your family. If you do fuck up... DO NOT hang yourself in the backyard where your child might find you. Seriously, PLEASE don't do this. I guarantee you that in the future this will become the most terrifying memory of your life... the memory of when you almost threw it all away.
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I have been encouraged by the Board Certified Plastic Surgeons who I have consulted with since my surgery to seek out a malpractice lawyer, which I have and I plan to move forward with this shortly. I recently discovered that these surgeons are part to approx 40 lawsuits in Arizona, one lawsuit was by a former patient who was mislead by the female surgeon about their plastic/cosmetic surgery credentials. Luckily, this former patient discovered just before surgery that she had been mislead and didn't go through with the procedure but she had to sue in order to get her money back because the surgeons refused. The surgeons lost the case and had to pay the patent back her money and I believe her legal fees as well. I viewed the court documents online and what this former patient was told is EXACTLY what I was told as well. Only I wasn't so lucky...
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I am trying, and have been trying for almost two years, to redefine my personal definition of beauty and I find beauty in every place that I can, except within myself. I used to be very active and physically fit. I was at a very low point when I entered this surgeons office, I was still grieving from some very tragic losses in my life and felt that getting my breasts done would "lift my spirits" during the consult, lipo was suggested as I mentioned that I had a "small layer of fat that I wasn't able to get rid of all over my body"...it turns out, this was just skin but the surgeon told me I was the perfect candidate. She also told me that there is a risk for a few small minor irregularities but it was highly unlikely as they have performed "hundreds" of successful liposuction and breast surgeries as "they are world renowned experts in the fields of plastic and cosmetic surgery." Later I found out that couldn't have been further from the truth.
I'm in my mid thirties and the thought of having to live like this for the rest of my life is unbearable. Having to put my husband and child through this is even more unbearable. Yes, my husband and I are still together. He is the love of my life, the man of my dreams and it breaks my heart that our dream is over before we even really had a chance to experience it. We have been married for 5 years and this disaster has robbed us of almost half of that.
To whomever suggested that I am looking for an "easy way out" - that couldn't be further from the truth. I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to share my life with my husband and child but to suffer immeasurable pain daily is not my idea of living a happy, fulfilled and productive life. Imagine one of your loved ones in tears daily, devastated and unable to enjoy a life they once did? I can't even shower with lights on, I can't even feel comfortable with myself, let alone my husband. We are all suffering and I would pay any amount of money to have my body restored to how it was before I became what I feel is a mutilated mess!
I am very creative and I used to love to write and paint, now nothing brings me joy. Not even music - which used to be the start and end to every day...the wonderful emotion I would feel from jazz music is unattainable now, everything that reminds me of how I used to be happy, kills me a little more inside each day.
Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words. You truly are appreciated
Hello,
I hope you are doing ok today.
I'd like to discuss in a positive and hopefully inspiring way, some of the powerful language you are using:
I'd like to point out that your dream of being married to a loving person is not over. Your pain and suffering over your body image are very real, but your marriage is still intact as is your love for him.
May I point out that these issues haven't robbed you of half your marriage. I'm hearing that you have been in immense pain for half your marriage, but that it hasn't stopped you from being married or being with him. That's something I hope you can take solace in.
I don't mean to minimize your pain at all here. I'm trying to show you that when we think of our pain as bleeding over into other areas it can give us a distorted, inaccurate, and hopeless view of those other areas.
Just because you are in agony doesn't mean your marriage has been destroyed. It is still there and so is he. :)
Also I liked hearing that you used to write and paint, and I was saddened to hear that it doesn't bring you joy. Have you considered trying to do this to express yourself, to find relief and a way to "get it out" rather than for the sheer light-hearted joy?
And, I haven't read the rest of your messages but what I hear overwhelmingly from you is that the pain is largely related to how you perceive your body, the sight of it, and your feelings about it. I think it goes without saying that you really could benefit from a therapist or counselor to help you minimize and work through some of the painful thoughts and feelings.
Hope you are well today.
Horrible situation. You were blindsided and are now wracked with pain and disappointment, at least some of which you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. You were not prepared for this at all. Not a all.
So the question is, how to live? You want to die, but can you start to ask this question seriously: how to live? It's as if you got in a plane that was supposed to land in France and instead it landed in the heart of some burned out village in Syria. You're stuck there and it is a million light years from anything you've ever imagined. The most change you really sought in this was just some nice enhancements to your physical appearance, which was not supposed to be a big deal. Then this.
What you don't know is that there is more in this universe than you thought was there. And you have to find that. You have to find that there are worlds of joy, but you can only find them if you can position yourself to look for them. If you don't, it's like walking backward and continually bumping into things without even seeing them. Walking backwards, as in withdrawing in horror at the life you've been thrown into. These other things, the great joy, beauty and wonder that truly is there, they are very hidden from you. You don't know how to find them, in part because you don't know how to begin to look for them.
And why should you? We're talking about a major change of life path, of your orientation to life and things in life. All things you weren't prepared for, things that were not on you itinerary of life. They are probably not even on your map. You may have no idea what they are, what they could be, where they could be found. You're not looking for them and don't even know how to look for them. That is too much to ask, to find such things as this, isn't it?
And yet the strangest things are possible. Consider the beautiful being Helen Keller became, and quite a radical as well! "It is good to be alive", she said, in her incredible limitations. Not just "I got through the day". No, she was in love with the world and people. She loved life. She didn't just get through, she soared to the heights of Being.
Crazy? Maybe not. But to think that you could find this, isn't that a pipe dream? Isn't that impossible? I have a dream for you. Of a person who goes and helps people, really helps them, despondent people, people who feel there is no hope, people who are trapped, and you, having learned to find this joy and beauty, help them to find the same. You, of all people.
But first, you have to learn to find it. And before you learn to find it, you have to learn to look for it. And to look for it, you have to know it is there. It is there: when someone helps a child in an institution who can't make a little piece of art they are working on to make their picture nice, someone helps them and makes make their tears turn to a smile, when they run to the wall and tape it up proudly. It is there when someone teaches someone how to make a good dinner for the first time. It is there when someone helps their loved one make it through something difficult with kind words. It is there when someone gives a gift, entirely unexpected, at the right time, when they were not expecting anything. It is there when someone, by some miracle, gives to another what anyone could give, but few actually do.
But there is more than giving. There is beholding: beholding life by entering the understanding of life. Listening to the world, the news, seeing the truth of people's lives, seeing how many paths of hope there are if one begins to look. There are thousands of organizations who would love to have you on their staff, as lowly helper, or as someone with a more advanced role; it doesn't matter, it only depends on what you can do.
There are worlds of wisdom in books written by those who have found this path, including Helen Keller, but countless others, from statesmen and women to philosophers to psychologists to poets to thinkers to actors, people of all walks of life. Don't think that books are mere words. You have to find these things. Their words are not just marks on a page, any more than your saying you want to kill yourself are mere words. No, you mean something with them, and they are not insignificant. They are full of meaning. But it's by virtue of that meaning that others, who have declared not to end their lives, but to further the lives of those around them in the quest for beauty and love, have found their way and sent it along to others -- to you, just as you sent these words to us.
They are speaking to you. They are sending along their truth. They mean for you to have it, to read it, and to join in this humanity, this human fire of love for the world, this massive, unorganized project of finding and making beauty in the world, of joyously and ardently realizing that it is all up to us to do just this, to find this path, free but hidden, everywhere and nowhere, possible in every single step we take.
Please consider that this is all possible for you, in the pain, the disappointment, the suffering, the wreckage. Please consider that you have much to give and much joy to find for yourself and for others, those close to you, your friends and family, and that most solitary, suffering individual far away who you can help as well.
It is not just that you do this or that, it is that your heart has turned in this way. When it has turned to this love, the world knows, and you send that along, like a ribbon, with everything you do. You can find that turning. You can find this path. You can become one of the special people, the elect, whose simple truth is that know they are there to make the world a better place, that if they don't do it, no one will. Become one of those people. Anyone, great or small, can do it. It's like a radio station; you can tune into it. Please consider this. There is so much hope. There is so much that is possible.
What exactly did they do to you? What is the extent of these deformities?
I suggested a photo but got downvoted to oblivion. I think knowing or seeing what the issue is would help us provide better support. Might also help the original poster to share pain. Please don't hurt yourself OP there are obvioisly lots of folks that care.
Breast and body surgery. The best way to describe what my body looks like is "Tara Reid's Stomach" ... I have those same deformities/irregularities all over my body. And I can't even describe what my breasts look like, it's that bad...I feel that I look like someone who had a bad black market surgery performed by a surgeon with little to no knowledge or expertise in the field of plastic surgery. I can't shower in the light, I can't look at myself in am mirror or wear any clothes that reveal anything more than my face, hands and feet. I know it's sounds foolish and vain but it's actually that horrifying for me.
Your issues are very important. You come across upset and emotional as anyone would be. Gotta be a way to work through the shock and emotion and get to a grounded point. You mentioned being conflicted about more surgery. I was thinking would be nice to be at a mental state where you can make more objective decisions. Thanks for sharing your story and take care:)
I hope you decide to give it some time. Just because the damage isn't fixable right now doesn't mean that it will never be correctable. New techniques and therapies will be available in the future and it's too soon to give up.
You're right. It's been almost 2 years and countless consultations later and I am left feeling very defeated as I have been told that the damage is unfixable but it can be improved - the percentage of improvement is undeterminable but the cost will be 3-4x more. I essentially paid tens of thousands to have my body ruined. I feel incredibly violated. But you are right, there are always new techniques coming out but I'm just not sure how much I can go under the knife again, I have been robbed of my trust in that respect.
What is the main issue? Had a friend who had breast cancer and a mastectomy. Seemed like they removed her entire breast and replaced it. Obviously I'm a novice but was curious if that approach would help.
I can't imagine the pain that you are going through. I pray that you would finding meaning to carry on despite your pain.
Thank you, this has been going on for almost 2 years and I pray daily that I will find some solace or peace with my situation but with each passing day I fall deeper into the depths of depression and despair. I have tried to fight these feeling but it's a battle I continue to lose with every passing second.
Maybe the lawsuit will bring justice and closure. Have you complained to the state board of medicine and the doctor's professional association? State board responsible for licensing and quality. Professional association can expel for unprofessional conduct.
how are you doing the past few days? any improvement? i'll continue to pray for you
Your situation is difficult. I wish you the best and I really hope that things become manageable
I am amazed that people could even conceive of doing this to another person. I do not see you as vain, I understand what you are saying, and I understand why you are feeling and thinking the way you are.
I hope that you can find a better solution. I urge you not to give up on alternative medicines/therapys, because I believe there is a great deal to them...
Please don't give up on your child and your husband. Please don't give up on life, because there may be something you haven't seen yet, that may be worth going on for.
I hope that this never happens to anyone else, ever again.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have been moved to tears by all of support and I am desperately trying to hold on.
<3 You freaking matter. You freaking matter to these people, and you matter to us. You're going through something horrible and you're in so much pain and I understand that it must be so freaking overwhelming.
You absolutely don't deserve what's happened to you...
You just know that we care and that we're pulling for you and that we want you to make it through this and find reasons to be here. To be alive and with the people around you.
Please don't give up on science, or medicine, please keep researching everything you can. We don't understand everything about the human body yet, there ARE innovations and developments STILL to be had.
Your life changed upside-down, you dont think of yourself and see yourself as the happy cheerful person you used to be. But you are loved by your family, they are with you, your child, husband. They all support you, let them help you. Dont end your file, think of how hard this will be for your husband to explain where is mummy? what happened to you?
Please, don't end your life. If you really want to donate, become a blood donor, this will make you feel better, like you accomplished something, that you have saved or helped save other person :) Have a good night. xx
I can imagine your pain. I can imagine your hatred towards yourself for doing this as you've stated it was elective.
I live every day/night w/the pain of decisions I've made. I can't sleep, I cry and fight off wanting to end it and that pain started over a decision I made over 30 years ago.
I see one thing that could make a difference. When your child looks at you I would bet he/she sees a Mother they love...regardless of outward looks. No one has the warmth, comfort or love that only you can give them. You, the whole of you, fills their life w/security, trust and look at the whole picture:
You made a choice to do this. Now slowly and taking each day at a time, make a choice to be the most compassionate, caring parent you can be. Do it for them. They see your beauty. I feel your beauty. Let your suffering strengthen you my dearest. Beauty is only skin deep.
Consult your doctor for the pain. That can be managed too. If you chose to hang on.......take a moment at a time......and let this suffering turn into a strength. It can/will happen. Trust me, I know.
Thank you, your response had brought tears to my eyes. I can relate so much to what you say about living with the pain and regret of a decision made years ago. For me, it has only been two years but I commend you for being able to hold one for over 30 years. That is a true testament to your strength.
You're right, the one thing that does help is when I look at my child and feel the love we feel for each other. I don't want my child to grow up without me but I also don't want them to suffer because of me. My husband is a very good, handsome, kind, successful and loving man, our child has a lot of his qualities and I truly want them to be happy and I know how much it hurts them to see me this way. It hurts my parents and the few friends who I have told about his as well. It's not fair to anyone to suffer because of my mistake in trusting the wrong people.
Thank you for your advice. You have truly touched me. I pray that your suffering ends as well.
Let them be responsible for their own choices/actions. If I may? You're on the path of learning.......really growing into the wisdom of knowing what beauty is. Wisdom, empathy are only learned through real life suffering. I feel your suffering and hope that you are able to find the inner strength to really grow as a spiritual human being thru all of this.
That's how I've made it 30+ years. Sometimes I still cry out and get very depressed........I am haunted by my moments of decision and how I thought of no one but me........but I am deeply loved today AND I still have recovery to do in my soul.
Write anytime........I care thisruinedlife>it will get better, one day at a time.
I'm praying for you, please, don't kill yourself
Get a lawyer these individuals should not have been performing the surgeries they did on you. In fact they may have broken the law.
I can't imagine how all this must feel. How are they allowed to continue to operate?
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She made it clear that she has developed severe chronic nerve pain and that she was essentially misled to believe that the surgeons were board certified. Don't make it seem like she's suicidal just because she doesn't look the way she wants to. Maybe you should have read the whole thing instead of, you know, pulling the "I'm going to call people on SW with children selfish" thing. It gets old as fuck and it doesn't fucking help anyone. Certainly it would make anyone who is suicidal even more so.
I have to agree with this as well. Please consider this. What would your child say to you? I remember living in constant fear that people in my family would kill themselves and it tore me up inside.
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You just want to see a pic but don't want to ask straight up. Fuck off
Dude, even if you're earnestly trying to help out, it was a little tactless to ask for a picture in this situation.