Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I have been married 10 years and together for 13. My stepdaughters “Gracie and Nikki” are 28 and 25 respectively. Gracie and I have a good relationship, while her sister can barely be civil towards me. As a teenager, Nikki treated me as her own personal maid, chauffeur, and chef. She had zero respect and would stomp off screaming if asked to demonstrate any. I took a lot of “walks” when she had her friends drop in without warning. There was one memorable incident where she threw a plastic glass at my head when, after she came in crying that she was hungry and needed her laundry done, I pointed at the kitchen and told her to help herself. She was 16 at the time. (And yes, both girls have been in therapy on and off since before I even met my husband.) Nikki never took anything from it, other than that I was an easier punching bag than either of her parents or her sister.
I have tried to take the high road over the sneers, insults, and sheer rudeness, but I hit my limit when Nikki got engaged. My parents both gave Gracie and Nikki over a thousand dollars for their weddings. Gracie was gracious and thanked my parents in a toast. Nikki cashed the check and didn’t bother to invite them at all. I paid my parents back and let Nikki have it. She insisted she did nothing wrong, it was a gift, and it was her special day—so there. I called her a monstrous brat and to never expect anything from me again. My husband didn’t want to go to the wedding without me but I made him go alone. I avoid being around Nikki as much as possible and it is fairly easy as we all live locally.
I am very close to Gracie and her two children. Gracie is a freelancer and her childcare needs are chaotic, while my work is very flexible. I often watch her children. Nikki has announced her pregnancy and so “graciously” offered to bury the hatchet with me—if I become her unpaid personal nanny. I would be required to drive 45 minutes to her house every day to take care of her baby. Nikki doesn’t want the baby anywhere but at her house. So hell will freeze over before I do that. My husband thinks this is an olive branch; I think it is just Nikki deciding she wants something and that she deserves it no matter what. So what should I do here? The baby isn’t due for another five months, but the holidays are coming up, and I’d rather not ruin them.
—Not the Nanny
Dear Not the Nanny,
You obviously understand this, but just a small clarification for your husband: Inviting someone to provide unpaid childcare with a long commute is not an olive branch.
Even if Nikki did make a sincere attempt to reconcile, I’d advise you to pass on the nanny gig. It’s not about punishing her for what she did, or refusing to be taken advantage of. It’s about the child. Here’s why: You and Nikki have demonstrated over the years that you cannot get along with each other. (And to be fair, I don’t think it’s all her fault. She was only a teen when things went downhill between the two of you. And when it came to her failure to thank your parents for the wedding money, that was between them and really didn’t require you to punish her. But here we are!) I can say with certainty that given your historical conflict, your personalities, and the lack of growth on either side, the two of you could not get along for more than three months.
Especially in the context of a childcare arrangement. There are so many potential points of conflict there: Will you make the bottles wrong? Swaddle incorrectly? Have different beliefs about screen time? Take a week off when you’re sick? I mean, I can already sense the tension over her desire for the baby to stay at home! Even people who generally get along struggle when it comes to getting on the same page about raising an infant. And what I don’t want is for the kid to get attached to you as one of its primary caregivers only to have you disappear when you and their mom inevitably have a blow-up. Tell your husband you’re saying no in part because you actually did have plans for the hours of 9-to-5 for the next three years and also because you want his grandchild to have a peaceful, stable life.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“I’m a grown-ass man. I don’t care what my loved ones get me for gifts, especially if they make an effort in the first place.”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
I am a materialistic weasel. There’s no other way to say it. I enjoy giving birthday and Christmas gifts, and I enjoy getting them. These are the only two time a year when someone does something for me, instead of the other way around. And now my brother is talking about “only doing gifts for kids” and “donations in lieu of gifts.” I don’t want to! I don’t have children to receive gifts and frankly I like the idea that just twice a year someone is doing something nice for me, instead of the other way around the other 363. How can I gracefully say I prefer to keep giving and getting? We’re a small family, less than 10 people. I’m the one who makes the effort to travel to them for Christmas every year, and I know it sounds awful but is it really that hard for them to make some effort on the gifts? I already do plenty of charitable giving throughout the year and frankly, I like being able to open something on Christmas. Thoughts?
—A Materialistic Weasel
Dear Weasel,
What a challenging letter for me to answer. I’ll put my cards on the table and admit that I’ve previously argued that adults should not exchange holiday gifts. That was inspired by the many, many complaints I read about how annoyed, underwhelmed, overwhelmed, hurt, and disappointed people feel about the whole process. My thinking is that it would be so much more efficient if everyone just kept their money, bought themselves something absolutely perfect, and used the holiday to focus on connection and making memories with loved ones.
Even with that bias in place, your letter moved me. I want someone to do something nice for you, too! The way you framed it helped me understand why receiving gifts from family could feel really important, even for people who are over the age of 17 and have the ability to go online and click “Add to cart” to exactly what would make them happy.
That said, the path to a satisfying gift is not going to be bullying people who don’t want to participate in an exchange. Can I suggest that you accept your family’s new plan and then look elsewhere for the experience you want? Reach out to a group of friends or even a handful of individual friends, who don’t even have to live locally. And tell them what you told me here. “My family isn’t giving gifts this year and I’m going to miss it so much. I honestly feel like Christmas is the only time anyone does anything for me? Would you want to exchange gifts?” You can set a spending limit. Bonus: People who agree to take part in this exchange with you are much more likely than your family members, whose hearts aren’t in it, to get you things you might actually really like. And getting a gift you actually like is probably what it will take to make you feel the way you want—and deserve—to feel.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
My older sister can’t be on time to things we make plans for. That, or she changes the plans, like bringing other people along, or changing locales after we’ve made a decision. She’s always been like this. I’ve seen it from the other side, too—she changes plans when it’s convenient to her, and considers herself “very flexible.” She’s also a wonderful person. Thing is, I have an extremely different temperament. I’m not Type A, but I am focused and have OCD (diagnosed). I like to know plans (time, place, people), I like to be on time, and I like discussion to happen before things are set (instead of changing things on a whim after plans have been decided on). I know this seems like a boundary issue—it is—but it’s more than that, too.
Every time I bring it up to her, she has extremely valid reasons (we both struggle with depression, and had a major death in the family recently), but it’s just so frequent that I know it’s more than just the coincidence of major crises. She has called me “inflexible,” which is hurtful to me, since I try to be accommodating and understanding (to a point). It affects my kids, too—they get excited to see her, and I try not to get their hopes up, but every single time I think things are finally OK for a visit (I live in a city and she lives 50 miles south), something happens and lateness or plans-changing occurs. It’s just super-stressful, but I can’t end the relationship, and I can’t easily uphold boundaries. How do I maintain a reasonably close relationship with someone who can’t see past her own convenience and issues to meet the needs of a situation?
—My Boundaries Have Too Many Stretch Marks
Dear Boundaries,
You need to make plans that allow you to see her, but to also have a great day if she flakes out or is hours late. And never get attached to any particular kind of hangout too far in advance. So you might say things like the following:
- “We’re having a Halloween party. It starts at 5 p.m., but you’re welcome to come anytime you can make it and spend the night and hang out the next day!”
- “On Saturday, we’ll be at the park, then home for a few hours, then going out to dinner—feel free to join for any part of the day if you can make it.”
- “We don’t have any firm plans on Sunday, but if you wake up and feel like it’s a good day for a visit, we’ll head your way … if not, the kids would love to FaceTime with you.”
- “We’re having friends over for a cookout. Want to come by? If you bring anyone else just let us know when you’re heading over so we can be prepared.”
As far as the kids are concerned, it’s probably best to let her visits be a surprise to them so that you don’t carry around anxiety about their potential disappointment, and you aren’t as hurt on their behalf if she backs out.
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Dear Prudence,
I had to take my 8-year-old stepdaughter and her 5-year-old half-sister over a non-custodial weekend because their mother had a family emergency and my husband was out of town. I literally only had an hour’s notice to prepare. I have tried very, very, very hard to build a civil relationship with my stepdaughter’s mother. She treats me somewhere between the hired help and the village idiot. I have held my tongue until now. I was making brunch when the girls got into the art supplies and found the safety scissors. My stepdaughter decided to give her sister a haircut by cutting off a pigtail. Cue the blood curdling scream. I ran upstairs to find the 5-year-old bawling and my stepdaughter panicking. I calmed both of the girls down as much as I could but it didn’t help. I texted their mother and after four hours of not hearing any response—I took the girls to a hairdresser to even the hair out.
The 5-year-old got a bob to even out the damage. My stepdaughter got a small trim to prove to her sister how “brave” she could be. Maybe I overstepped, I thought I did my best considering. The girls were happy and calm the rest of the weekend. Their mother texted me “k” when I updated her on the situation and sent her pictures. She didn’t say a word to me when she picked the girls up later. She did, however, scream her head off when my husband got back for my “neglect” and “passive aggressive BS.” I didn’t get the girls a haircut out of some ideological tug of war, they were upset and it was just a haircut! It wasn’t even a temporary dye. My stepdaughter cut off her sister’s hair in a moment of childhood impulse. There is zero gratitude here. Can I say something and what do I say?
—Haircut
Dear Haircut,
Yes, you should say something: TO YOUR HUSBAND. What you should say is “Since [Mother’s name] has accused me of neglect, it’s best if you take responsibility for the girls when I’m here. I’m no longer comfortable doing it. I’m happy to prepare brunch, but you need to be the one to keep an eye on them and make any decisions about their care.”
Classic Prudie
Joanne, my BFF and co-worker, and Melanie, a former co-worker, both recently applied for the same exciting, awesome job. When the diligent, talented Melanie left our company, I offered to be a reference for her. Joanne told me how intense the application process was—her parents were divorcing at the same time, so she was frazzled—so I expected a call from the hiring company. It never came. Neither Joanne nor Melanie got the job. Recently Joanne confessed that while in my office one day, she intercepted a call from the hiring company; the rep wanted to talk about Melanie’s employability. Joanne told the rep that Melanie was intelligent but also lazy and entitled. She didn’t think the reference was bad enough to tarnish Melanie’s or my reputation permanently and begged for my forgiveness. Joanne is normally a sweet person, and I don’t think she would have done this if she hadn’t been so stressed. My question is, what do I do now? I don’t want to see Joanne hurt.
