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CHAPTER 1

Biography, Autobiography, and Memoir

WRITING WITH THE STARS

Throughout the history of time (or Time magazine, anyway), we've been obsessed with celebrities. Ah celebrities ... we can't get enough of them, whether following them on Instagram, watching them rise or free fall on TMZ, or reading books about them. And, some of the best forewords come before a celebrity biography or memoir. Typically, a bio will start out with a strong, often poignant foreword by a friend or longtime admirer. For example, for his autobiography, the late Burt Reynolds had pal and Deliverance costar Jon Voight pen his foreword. We're unclear what Dom DeLuise was doing that day, but let's move on. In his book Scalia Speaks, the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia had Ruth Bader Ginsburg lend the foreword. And wrestling legend the Iron Sheik was selected by Margaret "the Iron Lady" Thatcher for her memoir. (That last one is totally not true, but we can only dream what that would've been like.) Anyway, with that, we bring you a series of introductions to celebrity chronicles we wish we could open but can't, because, you know, this entire book is fake.

WHITNEY MATHESON is a writer who appreciates pop culture and fruity beverages. Read more of her work at whitneymatheson.com.

Foreword to Kool-Aid Man's Bustin' Through: Confessions of a Kool-Aid Man

By Whitney Matheson

About three years ago, my dear friend Kool-Aid Man and I were strolling through Central Park, reminiscing about the time he rescued Liza Minnelli from a swarm of angry bumblebees.

"K-AM," I said, nudging his handle. "Your stories are so amazing. Ever think about writing a book?"

In your hands are the juicy fruits of his labor, Bustin' Through: Confessions of a Kool-Aid Man. Told in 132 exhilarating chapters, it's the brave and revealing journey of a guy who went from a flavorless and lonely childhood to busting through walls.

Here, K-AM divulges the details behind his well-known triumphs, like becoming a world-famous mascot by the age of twenty-five and romancing everyone from Swiss Miss to a (much older) Mrs. Butterworth. By the late '70s, he was — literally and figuratively — bigger than Elvis.

But make no mistake, this pitcher-shaped pitchman has lived through dark times, too. In chapter thirty-two, he opens up about his ongoing struggle with gingivitis. In chapter fifty-five, we finally hear his perspective on the time he crashed through the wall of an Iowa City police station (and his resulting six-month stint in anger management). Then, of course, there were the high-stakes poker games with the Nesquik Rabbit and Hawaiian "Punchy" Punch, leaving him nearly bankrupt in the late '90s.

"Most people see me as a full pitcher," he confided to Oprah Winfrey in a now-legendary 2002 interview. "But inside, I've always felt half empty."

The twenty-first century hasn't been easy for K-AM, but ultimately, he has come to terms with the changing times, emerging a more thoughtful, health-conscious hero. Today, he enjoys a modest and sugar-free life in Brooklyn, nearly unrecognizable in a slim stainless-steel carafe. He appears at conventions and events a few times a year, but mostly, he's content to be immersed in hobbies like making artisanal mustard and playing in a weekend bocce ball league.

While autograph seekers used to bombard him daily, K-AM is now happy to dissolve into mainstream society, occasionally stopping for selfies with nostalgic Generation Xers. Most are appreciative, but a few gaze at him sadly, as if to say, "Why can't you be the same person you used to be?"

Oh, yeah? Perhaps they should take a few steps closer to the man and contemplate their own blurry reflections.

Several years ago, I happened to be seated beside the liquid legend on a cross-country flight. We struck up a friendship and chatted about pop culture until we parted ways. (Fun fact: he's a Carrie with Miranda tendencies.) Today, we talk every week, and sometimes he'll recall his crazy adventures and encounters with the rich and famous. Other times we'll just discuss the humidity.

This cultural icon has left an indelible imprint on upper lips across the globe, but, as you're about to find out, so much lies beneath the surface. Grab a straw and prepare to suck down this incredible odyssey from Kool-Aid Boy to Kool-Aid Man. I assure you, the taste it'll leave in your mouth isn't merely sugar water.

It's hope.

KERSI ASARE (@ItsKersiTime) is a comedian from New York City.

Foreword to Samwell's What What (in the Butt): The Man Behind the Booty

By "Testas Sterone," life coach, producer, personal trainer, professor emeritus YouTube University, and THE first viral video talent manager of all time forever and ever

By the time you see the words WHAT WHAT emblazoned in rhinestones across his perfectly sculpted cheeks as they vibrate to the melodic beat of "What What (in the Butt)," you've already been drawn into his world. He is Samuel Johnson, better known as Samwell, and best known as What What (in the Butt) Guy, or WW(ITB)G™®. WW(ITB)G's landmark video took YouTube — and the universe — by storm. The track features his sensual serenading tightly coupled with sharp, witty lyrics. The visuals let the world know that he's one part R. Kelly and one part Chris Rock. A true living legend.

That summer of 2007, I was riding shotgun on this roller coaster. Just like a man of his great stature should, WW(ITB)G had reached out for expert assistance from yours truly, and together we propelled that man's backside into the stratosphere. As he was being wined, dined, and courted by the biggest movie studios and record companies in the world, our relationship blossomed, and we became fast friends. Life was fantastic.

Who am I? Testas Sterone? Let's just say I'd be nowhere without WW(ITB)G, and those finely tuned buttocks wouldn't have even smelled outer space without a lil' boost from Sterone. Together we transformed the industry buzz surrounding "What What (in the Butt)" from a mere tidal wave into a big-ass monsoon! "What What (in the Butt)" raised the bar and was Certified Viral®, thus changing the world forever, ad infinitum. That track was hotter than Hendrix, Nelly and Bruno Mars's hits combined! (Oh, that fire was so hot baby!)

Not enough credit is given to the folks that make the big things happen behind the scenes — unsung heroes like me. So I established synergies, made a few calls, and I am now the cofounder (and two-time winner) of the YouTube Cocontributors Award™. Because you can't spell "YouTube Sensation" without Testas Sterone, baby! Don't even try it!

Anyway, it was when our views reached into the millions that we started to get calls from Comedy Central, Showtime, Sony, and HBO. A tour ensued, with all the expected merchandise — what what rhinestone pants (think Hammer pants, baby!), heart and booty–shaped chocolates, and WW(ITB)G Bobble-Butt Dolls (It's that famous booty bobblehead style). Even Sir Mix-a-Lot's people inquired about a guest spot on "Baby Got Back 2000." And of course I got him this book deal. We got so many offers we had to start turnin' 'em down, baby! And just like that, in a whole three weeks WW(ITB)G became one of THE most outstanding entertainers of our generation. His meteoric rise assured his name will go down alongside artists and icons like Skee-Lo, the Baha Men, and Right Said Fred.

As I promised the kid, the story of our success led us right into the C-suite! During our first and last WHAT WHAT Digital Summit and Retreat Week, we rubbed elbows with CEOs and brainstormed ways to optimize WW(ITB)G's brand and further expansion into Butt, What What and "What What (in the Butt)" related merchandise in their Fortune 500 organizations. While munching on bacon-wrapped scallops during a break in the Summit, I noticed that WW(ITB)G was giving me all of his bacon owing to his religious beliefs. Although I still have no freakin' idea what those religious beliefs are, his dedication to these beliefs is dwarfed only by his dedication to his booty. The butt that started it all takes on nearly three hundred squats, two hundred lunges, three hours of Zumba classes, and damn near fifteen hours of dance rehearsals per week to maintain its signature rigidity. WW(ITB)G possesses no ordinary butt — it's extraordinary. He still can't even walk down the street without someone snapping a butt selfie or giving it a nice slap to confirm its firmness (oh, he secretly loves it!). Even JLo herself; Jennifer Lopez once said that his buttocks were among the best she's ever seen in the business, buns down. Not to mention, for me, that derriere opened up new avenues of revenue like a Mack truck. Now I'm churning out viral hits like the Amish on butter, baby! All thanks to WW(ITB)G, his booty, and our extraordinary team.

At the 2010 YouTube Innovation Leadership Symposium Forum for Leaders and Innovators, we discussed potential areas of growth, synergies, and new revenue streams with the YouTube executive team in Palo Alto. WW(ITB)G gave a resounding and passionate speech detailing his rise to fame, his creative process, and the importance of perseverance via squat thrusts. He touched on ways to make sure his legacy lives on and pointedly asked the audience, "How can we make sure that an artist capable of another 'What What (in the Butt)' is sculpted from the next generation of America's children?"

Always humble, he signed autographs for hours and took pictures with his adoring fanbase, as any good-hearted celebrity would do.

But this would be one boring-ass book if it was all a fairy tale (plus that kind of sappy crap doesn't sell!). As we all know, WW(ITB)G's life has not been all roses and derriere–related compliments. As with any rise to fame, there was a highly publicized and politicized dark side. Plus, once we got too big, the painkillers and poppin' champagne on deluxe yachts became more important than the work for WW(ITB)G. And to boot, some of the things I had to do to get us to the top led to my immediate removal from my position at YouTube University (but hey — you've got to get your hands dirty if you want to play with the big dogs, baby!).

But ... even as we grew apart and he faltered publicly, WW(ITB) G never faltered privately. His enthusiasm and drive for success never vanished. Luckily, this man possesses an astonishing set of cheeks to land on — and I learned that WW(ITB)G and that backside are absolutely forged from steel. He has bounced back like I always knew he would. Through thicc ass and thin, and even throughout his ongoing litigation against me, I've maintained the coveted title of Awesomest Friend. (Even though your old pal Testas Sterone isn't mentioned as much in this book as he should be, that's OK, we can negotiate our own book deals. Check out Synergize Your Way to Stardom by yours truly, the one, the only Testas Sterone, on shelves next year!)

After we reconciled at his YouTube Hall of Fame induction ceremony, I could see that the life of parties, award shows, drinking, after-after parties, drugs, hot-air balloon rides, and sex in said balloons (see chapter thirteen) had taken their toll on his vitality. But behind his eyes I could still see the old fire and desire to make another hit. And his ass was as tight as ever. When WW(ITB)G sauntered down the red carpet that night, everyone from the Don't Tase Me Bro to the Sneezing Panda were frozen in amazement, like they were stuck in time staring at twin Beyoncés working the runway. Even Chocolate Rain Guy remarked in his booming baritone voice, "My, those cheeks are exquisite." That's all I needed to know that another YouTube hit is on the horizon (Testas knows a winner when he sees one!). It's in his blood, it's in his heart, it's in his ass.

This is his story: the man, the legend, the humble beginning, the rise, the fall, the resurrection, the Butt — What What.

Break a leg — and a cheek, my friend.

DANTE MERCADANTE is the CEO (chief eating officer) for Nice Guy Tours, a New York City walking food tour company. He is also an actor and a comedian.

Foreword to Bill Pullman's I Wasn't in Twister: A Memoir

By Dante Mercadante

Being asked to write a foreword for a book is a real honor. Writing a book takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Many authors treat a book like a child, putting in loads of effort, sometimes years of hard work. I can see why. So when you're asked to write a foreword, you're being told, "Look, I've been working really hard at this thing, and I want you to tell people what to expect."

So why would this well-established actor ask a food tour guide from New York City to pen the intro to his book?

Good question. I'll get to it.

I feel a bit of pressure here — it's kind of like being an opening act. When you're looking for the right opener, you don't want someone so amazing that they blow the headliner away, but you don't want them to stink, either. The comedian Brad Garrett — you probably know him from Everybody Loves Raymond — tells a funny story about opening for Frank Sinatra, something he did a couple of times early in his stand-up career. Garrett says that at the end of one of his sets opening up for Ol' Blue Eyes, he said, "Stick around, we've got a great singer coming out," or something to that effect. The Chairman, unfortunately, didn't get the joke, and needless to say, he was a little upset. Supposedly, he had some of his goons tell Mr. Garrett never to do that again. So you see, you want to be good as an opening act, but not too good.

It's a lot of pressure when a guy like Bill Pullman asks a regular Joe Sixpack like me. I'm a nobody, and he's a star. He's the actor we all loved in Weird Science ... or maybe it was Independence Day. I gotta look that up.

Anyway, I used to work in sales, and I remember my boss once advising me, "Tell them ... Tell them you told them. Then tell them again." I think that one comes from the world of commercials. It means, like, first you have to tell them. Then, you remind them you've told them. Then, just for good measure, you tell them again. It's a way to make sure the consumer hears you and understands what you're saying.

For example, did you ever see a commercial and say to yourself, "What is this even for? Are they selling computers? Phones? Hmmmm ... Maybe it's for that car?" That's the last thing you want to do when you're selling something. When you see one of those infomercial-type commercials, you know exactly what they are selling and what it is purported to do.

"Purported." That's a funny word. You never hear someone use the word "purport," but you sometimes hear "purported."

Anyway, sorry, I got off track there for a minute. Let's get back to why we're here.

You're about to read an exceptional book, and it's a real honor to have been chosen to write the foreword. It's something I don't take lightly. It's a big responsibility. I want to make sure I present the information to you all in such a way that is concise and easy to understand. I want to tell you about the book, but not so much that you don't even need to read it.

On the flip side, I don't want to tell you so little that you think, "What the heck is this guy even talking about? Is it a phone? A computer?" I wouldn't want that to happen. That would be so embarrassing! Because once something is printed in a book, it's part of the world forever. There is no taking it back. I would hate for the whole world to think I'm a fool who doesn't know what he's talking about.

I'm just so honored that Bill asked me to write this after we locked eyes one day at Katz's Deli on the Lower East Side. We'd never met before (and to be honest, we haven't seen each other since). But he was really cool about it when I told him I loved him in True Lies. And I'll always cherish the true friendship that blossomed out of our shared love of pastrami.

At least, I think that's what it was.

Bill's memoir tells a classic Hollywood tale of a character actor who never got into trouble, led a wonderful life, has a great family, and didn't star in anything with Helen Hunt. That said, it still is a page-turner with lots of twists and turns. For instance, did you know he wasn't in Twister? Did you know he wasn't in a movie with Dermot Mulroney or Dylan McDermott? Did you know he's not Bill Paxton, and Bill Paxton actually died in 2017 (I cried when I found that out)? Read on, and you'll learn so much more about this beloved actor.

So without further ado, I present to you I Wasn't in Twister, a memoir by Bill Pullman.

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Excerpted from "Moving Foreword"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Jon Chattman.
Excerpted by permission of BenBella Books, Inc..
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