Sharing, Helping, and Other Acts of Kindness

Parents often focus on preventing children’s problem behaviors, such as fighting, arguing, and being disobedient. But, parents don’t just want children to avoid bad behaviors. Parents want children to engage in good behaviors, such as sharing and helping others.

One widely researched framework of positive youth development is known as the 5-Cs, which stands for competence, confidence, connection, character, and caring or compassion. Each of these Cs affects the contributions that children and adolescents can make to their families, schools, and communities.

How can parents promote these desirable behaviors and characteristics in their children?

1. Have a warm and loving relationship with the child. The parent-child relationship sets the stage for children’s other relationships. Parents can model how to treat others lovingly, with compassion and kindness.

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2. Explain to children how they should behave in different social situations. When children know what to expect and how they should behave, they will feel more confident and behave more competently. It can be easy for parents to forget that entering a new situation can be scary because parents have experience in so many more situations than children do. But, until children develop scripts for how particular social situations usually unfold, parents can help prepare them in advance by explaining what to expect.

3.  Talk about emotions and the effects of children’s actions on others. Parents can help children make connections between how they treat other people and how other people feel (e.g., “I know it looked silly when Sophia fell, but when you laughed it made her feel sad and embarrassed. Instead, you could have helped her up and asked her if she was okay.”). When disciplining the child, talking about emotions rather than rules or parent-imposed consequences is more likely to promote conscience development and future moral behavior.

4. Connect the child with resources outside the family. Supportive adults outside the family, such as teachers and coaches, as well as constructive activities that spark interests and stimulate learning can help children, and especially adolescents, thrive. These experiences can foster competence in sports, music, academics, and other areas as well as social connections with adults and peers.

5. Recognize that positive youth development may be manifested in different ways in different cultural contexts. People in different cultural groups sometimes vary in the emphasis placed on different areas of competence, such as academics or athletics, as well as on different aspects of social connections, such as obligations to family members. Parents who believe it is important for their children to demonstrate respect toward extended family members and spend time fulfilling family obligations might try to cultivate these characteristics. Parents who believe it is important for children to develop their own independent interests and opinions might use different techniques to try to cultivate these characteristics instead.

6. Finally, consider messages conveyed to children about what is important. Children are astute at recognizing what their parents value. When a parent asks a child only about academic or achievement-oriented aspects of his or her day, it conveys that parents value academic and other achievements—“What grade did you get on the math test?” “Did your team win the game?” Achievement can be a good thing to value. But, parents can also ask questions that convey valuing sharing, helping, and other acts of kindness—“What did you do today to be a good friend?” “How were you able to help another student at school today?”.

In promoting positive youth development, parents will be well-served by focusing on their own relationship with the child, children’s understanding of other people’s emotions, connecting children with resources outside the family, and conveying expectations and values.