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Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy
A gripping memoir about coming of age in the stay-at-home daughter movement and the quest to piece together a future on your own terms.
Raised in the Christian patriarchy movement, Cait West was homeschooled and could only wear clothes her father deemed modest. She was five years old the first time she was told her swimsuit was too revealing, to go change. There would be no college in her future, no career. She was a stay-at-home daughter and would move out only when her father allowed her to become a wife. She was trained to serve men, and her life would never be her own.
Until she escaped.
In Rift , Cait West tells a harrowing story of chaos and control hidden beneath the facade of a happy family. Weaving together lyrical meditations on the geology of the places her family lived with her story of spiritual and emotional manipulation as a stay-at-home daughter, Cait creates a stirring portrait of one young woman’s growing awareness that she is experiencing abuse. With the ground shifting beneath her feet, Cait mustered the courage to break free from all she’d ever known and choose a future of her own making.
Rift is a story of survival. It’s also a story about what happens after you survive. With compassion and clarity, Cait explores the complex legacy of patriarchal religious trauma in her life, including the ways she has also been complicit in systems of oppression. A remarkable literary debut, Rift offers an essential personal perspective on the fraught legacy of purity culture and recent reckonings with abuse in Christian communities.
Raised in the Christian patriarchy movement, Cait West was homeschooled and could only wear clothes her father deemed modest. She was five years old the first time she was told her swimsuit was too revealing, to go change. There would be no college in her future, no career. She was a stay-at-home daughter and would move out only when her father allowed her to become a wife. She was trained to serve men, and her life would never be her own.
Until she escaped.
In Rift , Cait West tells a harrowing story of chaos and control hidden beneath the facade of a happy family. Weaving together lyrical meditations on the geology of the places her family lived with her story of spiritual and emotional manipulation as a stay-at-home daughter, Cait creates a stirring portrait of one young woman’s growing awareness that she is experiencing abuse. With the ground shifting beneath her feet, Cait mustered the courage to break free from all she’d ever known and choose a future of her own making.
Rift is a story of survival. It’s also a story about what happens after you survive. With compassion and clarity, Cait explores the complex legacy of patriarchal religious trauma in her life, including the ways she has also been complicit in systems of oppression. A remarkable literary debut, Rift offers an essential personal perspective on the fraught legacy of purity culture and recent reckonings with abuse in Christian communities.
252 pages, Hardcover
Published April 30, 2024
About the author
Cait West
1 book30 followersCait West is a writer and editor based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her work has been published in The Revealer, Religion Dispatches, Fourth Genre, and Hawai`i Pacific Review, among others. As an advocate and a survivor of the Christian patriarchy movement, she serves on the editorial board for Tears of Eden, a nonprofit providing resources for survivors of spiritual abuse, and cohosts the podcast Survivors Discuss.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
December 29, 2023
I don’t usually write reviews, but this book merits one. I read this book in 2 hours, it was so well-written, engaging and captivating. For most of the book, my heart was broken over Cait’s experience, and yet, by the end, I also was cheering for her too, reading about how she escaped Christian patriarchy and regained control of her life.
This book broke my heart because Christian patriarchy - or some form of it - is alive and well at the churches I’ve worshiped at and the broader community I live in, even if nobody wants to admit it. The abusive and controlling narrative of Christian patriarchy declares that the purpose of women is to marry young, have as many kids as possible, and deny themselves a quality education or career (among other things), all under the absolute (unreasonable) control of their father. While I don’t deny that marriage and having kids are good things, they are not ultimate things, and shouldn’t be elevated and idolized above a woman having an education, career or pursuing what she wants to pursue.
This book breaks my heart for women like Cait and others who were denied opportunities and subjected to absolutely unreasonable control and horrible verbal & emotional abuse by their fathers. If you read this book, you will read plenty of examples of how Christian patriarchy misrepresented the Gospel to Cait and made her believe untrue things about herself, God and other people.
This book also broke my heart because of how the broader Church treated Cait. Not only did her family worship at churches that enabled and supported her dad raising her in Christian patriarchy, but when she later spoke up against it, she was further mistreated and harassed instead of being heard and helped compassionately. She says towards the end of the book that the line that would’ve been helpful to hear more often from the church is “That’s not right”. And to Cait and any other woman who escaped Christian patriarchy, I say, “That’s not right”. Christian patriarchy is not the Gospel and does not faithfully represent the teachings of the Bible. It’s controlling, abusive and dehumanizing.
By the end of the book, I was cheering for Cait because she details how she escaped. It was hard, challenging and costly, but wow, has she done some amazing things since then - including writing a book! I won’t spoil that part, though. :)
I encourage everyone to read this book and think hard about their response to Christian patriarchy - even if it’s manifested in small ways - in their own churches and communities today. Are you going to support and enable parents raising their daughters in an abusive, controlling, one-track-mind setting, or are you going to speak up for these women and tell them that there’s more to life than courtship, marrying young, and having tons of kids? Are you going to respond compassionately and say “That’s not right”, or will you stand by and support Christian patriarchy with your silence?
This book has 5 stars from me and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. Thank you to Cait for courageously and vulnerably telling your story.
This book broke my heart because Christian patriarchy - or some form of it - is alive and well at the churches I’ve worshiped at and the broader community I live in, even if nobody wants to admit it. The abusive and controlling narrative of Christian patriarchy declares that the purpose of women is to marry young, have as many kids as possible, and deny themselves a quality education or career (among other things), all under the absolute (unreasonable) control of their father. While I don’t deny that marriage and having kids are good things, they are not ultimate things, and shouldn’t be elevated and idolized above a woman having an education, career or pursuing what she wants to pursue.
This book breaks my heart for women like Cait and others who were denied opportunities and subjected to absolutely unreasonable control and horrible verbal & emotional abuse by their fathers. If you read this book, you will read plenty of examples of how Christian patriarchy misrepresented the Gospel to Cait and made her believe untrue things about herself, God and other people.
This book also broke my heart because of how the broader Church treated Cait. Not only did her family worship at churches that enabled and supported her dad raising her in Christian patriarchy, but when she later spoke up against it, she was further mistreated and harassed instead of being heard and helped compassionately. She says towards the end of the book that the line that would’ve been helpful to hear more often from the church is “That’s not right”. And to Cait and any other woman who escaped Christian patriarchy, I say, “That’s not right”. Christian patriarchy is not the Gospel and does not faithfully represent the teachings of the Bible. It’s controlling, abusive and dehumanizing.
By the end of the book, I was cheering for Cait because she details how she escaped. It was hard, challenging and costly, but wow, has she done some amazing things since then - including writing a book! I won’t spoil that part, though. :)
I encourage everyone to read this book and think hard about their response to Christian patriarchy - even if it’s manifested in small ways - in their own churches and communities today. Are you going to support and enable parents raising their daughters in an abusive, controlling, one-track-mind setting, or are you going to speak up for these women and tell them that there’s more to life than courtship, marrying young, and having tons of kids? Are you going to respond compassionately and say “That’s not right”, or will you stand by and support Christian patriarchy with your silence?
This book has 5 stars from me and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. Thank you to Cait for courageously and vulnerably telling your story.
January 15, 2024
I've noticed a pattern when I talk to gender traditionalists and try to explain why I've changed my mind about women in the church, the home, and the world. The first response is, "But what about [insert Bible verse here, such as 1 Timothy 2:8-15 or Ephesians 5:22-24]?" I'll give an answer to that objection, but then the second response is usually something like, "But how much does this really matter anyway? Isn't this just kind of an intramural debate about academic theology?" It isn't, and books like Cait West's new memoir help show why.
In Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away From Christian Patriarchy, she shares her story of growing up in a theologically and socially conservative home where her father tried to take the notion of "male headship" as seriously as he could. He viewed it as his sacred responsibility to be the "head" of his wife and children, which he understood to mean, "Someone who takes direct and active authority over his family." He took his family to attend an Orthodox Presbyterian Church weekly, where they would hear sermons about the importance of homeschooling. He would read books by men like Doug Wilson explaining that God's plan for women was to be soft, quiet, domestic, and under the authority of either a father or a husband. As a girl, she was taught that her highest good would be to get really good at sewing, cooking, and cleaning so that some day she would be ready for the man who would take over her headship from her father.
West describes the milieu of these teachings as "Christian Patriarchy," a more right-leaning, more extreme version of mainstream Complementarianism, but one still aiming at many of the same ideals that many conservative Christians view as God's plan for men and women. So the next natural question is, "What was it like for a girl to grow up in this environment? If this was God's plan for her, did it then generally lead to her flourishing?"
Rift as a whole provides a resounding "no" to that question. I imagine that conservative Christians will be tempted to write her book off as yet another angry feminist diatribe that paints the world in black and white, where she's the faultless champion who fearlessly smashes the all-bad patriarchy. Yet, the strength of the book is the humanity with which she portrays her family, and especially her father. She is deeply critical of her upbringing and the ways her father acted toward her, and yet she also tells of the sweet memories, too. The portrait I received of him was of a man who was trying to love his daughter and raise her well, but according to a deeply misguided rubric.
Many of us who were raised in the late nineties/early aughts imbibed the teachings of purity culture, but it seems that West's father wanted to play the game on hardcore mode. He instilled in her feelings of excruciating guilt for feeling even the smallest hints of attraction to this or that boy, for dressing or acting in ways that give the barest suggestion that she might be interested. When she was finally allowed to court in her twenties, they were tightly chaperoned affairs where the only conversation allowed was about what the suitor believed about infant baptism or similar. Then her father forcibly broke off the courtship for her when he deemed her too emotionally compromised before marriage, while commanding her to repent of that.
Eventually, she came to the realization that if she was ever going to be a human—and not just the background scenery to her own life—she would need to stop asking for permission. Virtually everybody goes through some kind of breaking away from their parents when they enter adulthood, but it's an entirely different beast when you've been taught your whole life that you're essentially the property of whatever man oversees you. For her, breaking away from Christian Patriarchy was more like an escape from prison.
It is heartbreaking and terrible to hear her story. For me, it was especially challenging to read about her sojourn in Colorado because my family was shaped by many of the same voices and influences as hers during the same time. While I definitely understand why folks believe that it is "biblical" to view male-female relationships through the lens of authority-submission, and while I definitely get why it can seem like an "academic" or "intramural" debate, stories like West's make it utterly clear that it is anything but. Pastors and professors and seminarians might tussle over passages in that way, but people actually listen to the sermons you preach, and they take those home and try to live them out. If it feels academic to you, you need to read Rift and sit with it. If you're a Complementarian/Christian Patriarchalist, I beg you to sit with the life stories shaped by your doctrines. Cait West isn't the only one telling this kind of story, but she's one who is telling it with a great deal of humanity. Those who have ears, let them hear.
DISCLAIMER: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair, unbiased review.
In Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away From Christian Patriarchy, she shares her story of growing up in a theologically and socially conservative home where her father tried to take the notion of "male headship" as seriously as he could. He viewed it as his sacred responsibility to be the "head" of his wife and children, which he understood to mean, "Someone who takes direct and active authority over his family." He took his family to attend an Orthodox Presbyterian Church weekly, where they would hear sermons about the importance of homeschooling. He would read books by men like Doug Wilson explaining that God's plan for women was to be soft, quiet, domestic, and under the authority of either a father or a husband. As a girl, she was taught that her highest good would be to get really good at sewing, cooking, and cleaning so that some day she would be ready for the man who would take over her headship from her father.
West describes the milieu of these teachings as "Christian Patriarchy," a more right-leaning, more extreme version of mainstream Complementarianism, but one still aiming at many of the same ideals that many conservative Christians view as God's plan for men and women. So the next natural question is, "What was it like for a girl to grow up in this environment? If this was God's plan for her, did it then generally lead to her flourishing?"
Rift as a whole provides a resounding "no" to that question. I imagine that conservative Christians will be tempted to write her book off as yet another angry feminist diatribe that paints the world in black and white, where she's the faultless champion who fearlessly smashes the all-bad patriarchy. Yet, the strength of the book is the humanity with which she portrays her family, and especially her father. She is deeply critical of her upbringing and the ways her father acted toward her, and yet she also tells of the sweet memories, too. The portrait I received of him was of a man who was trying to love his daughter and raise her well, but according to a deeply misguided rubric.
Many of us who were raised in the late nineties/early aughts imbibed the teachings of purity culture, but it seems that West's father wanted to play the game on hardcore mode. He instilled in her feelings of excruciating guilt for feeling even the smallest hints of attraction to this or that boy, for dressing or acting in ways that give the barest suggestion that she might be interested. When she was finally allowed to court in her twenties, they were tightly chaperoned affairs where the only conversation allowed was about what the suitor believed about infant baptism or similar. Then her father forcibly broke off the courtship for her when he deemed her too emotionally compromised before marriage, while commanding her to repent of that.
Eventually, she came to the realization that if she was ever going to be a human—and not just the background scenery to her own life—she would need to stop asking for permission. Virtually everybody goes through some kind of breaking away from their parents when they enter adulthood, but it's an entirely different beast when you've been taught your whole life that you're essentially the property of whatever man oversees you. For her, breaking away from Christian Patriarchy was more like an escape from prison.
It is heartbreaking and terrible to hear her story. For me, it was especially challenging to read about her sojourn in Colorado because my family was shaped by many of the same voices and influences as hers during the same time. While I definitely understand why folks believe that it is "biblical" to view male-female relationships through the lens of authority-submission, and while I definitely get why it can seem like an "academic" or "intramural" debate, stories like West's make it utterly clear that it is anything but. Pastors and professors and seminarians might tussle over passages in that way, but people actually listen to the sermons you preach, and they take those home and try to live them out. If it feels academic to you, you need to read Rift and sit with it. If you're a Complementarian/Christian Patriarchalist, I beg you to sit with the life stories shaped by your doctrines. Cait West isn't the only one telling this kind of story, but she's one who is telling it with a great deal of humanity. Those who have ears, let them hear.
DISCLAIMER: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair, unbiased review.
May 15, 2024
Rift is a beautifully written memoir about West's experience growing up in, and growing away from, the restrictive world of her childhood. Rather than chapters, the book is divided into briefly-titled essays. A few of them are not personal essays (a collection of ad text from Patriarch magazine, a rewriting of Proverbs 31 interpreted via patriarchy, book summaries). The geological thread was a helpful image for West's story, especially how she examined the fray toward the end of the book.
I join with others in saying: that was wrong. West doesn't rub your face in the mess, nor does she kill her past self, nor does she leverage the same shame-and-blame techniques that harmed her (as I've experienced in similar memoirs). This is a memoir written from a safer and healthier place, and I can rejoice in West's growth and sorrow with her in her new challenges.
I join with others in saying: that was wrong. West doesn't rub your face in the mess, nor does she kill her past self, nor does she leverage the same shame-and-blame techniques that harmed her (as I've experienced in similar memoirs). This is a memoir written from a safer and healthier place, and I can rejoice in West's growth and sorrow with her in her new challenges.
May 27, 2024
5⭐️ this memoir is a very intimate look into the realities of growing up and living in Christian (or really any sect) patriarchy. The various denominations and movements mentioned were all too familiar and it is really rare that I find a book that is relatable in such specificity. At the same time, there was so much in this book that went past the experiences I had, that make me consider again, how far reaching the damage that this belief system can be. I’m glad this book exists for me, and for others who have left, want to leave, or are leaving patriarchal religious movements.
January 14, 2024
Cait did an excellent job writing her experiences in Christian patriarchy, and with spiritual abuse. I felt like I was there. That may also be because I grew up in a Christian patriarchal homeschooling family as well. I resonated with a lot of what she said. She brought the reader in to the exasperation, confusion, and unfairness of living in a household like that and trying to please our father to no avail. Nothing was ever enough.
I highlighted many passages. I'll share one here:
"I try not to make church people a new "them," a new "other." But what they don't know about religious trauma is that the words that uplift them, inspire them, sing them to sleep, are words that pull on the strings of my memory, unraveling the scraps of experience I have so carefully tried to weave into a new reality. While they find wholeness, I am falling apart. Where they find healing, I am reminded of the wounds inflicted by men of religious authority.
When they sing to God with their faces lifted, "Goodness and mercy all my life / shall surely follow me," I am reminded of the darkest days, times when those same words were told to me by my abuser. I have been left wondering, Where was the goodness of God then?
And when they say, "I'll pray for you," they don't know how many prayers I whispered in the night, sleepless, no way to escape, no answers from heaven."
Absolutely this. It's hard not to apply the bad/good mindset, yet many truly do not understand the depth of religious trauma. Cait did a great job highlighting so many of those areas.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
I highlighted many passages. I'll share one here:
"I try not to make church people a new "them," a new "other." But what they don't know about religious trauma is that the words that uplift them, inspire them, sing them to sleep, are words that pull on the strings of my memory, unraveling the scraps of experience I have so carefully tried to weave into a new reality. While they find wholeness, I am falling apart. Where they find healing, I am reminded of the wounds inflicted by men of religious authority.
When they sing to God with their faces lifted, "Goodness and mercy all my life / shall surely follow me," I am reminded of the darkest days, times when those same words were told to me by my abuser. I have been left wondering, Where was the goodness of God then?
And when they say, "I'll pray for you," they don't know how many prayers I whispered in the night, sleepless, no way to escape, no answers from heaven."
Absolutely this. It's hard not to apply the bad/good mindset, yet many truly do not understand the depth of religious trauma. Cait did a great job highlighting so many of those areas.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
April 2, 2024
I love a good memoir, and I had a hard time putting this one down! West grew up in a strict Orthodox Presbyterian home, led by her father, who adhered to the Christian patriarchy movement. Every decision was dictated by her father, as he was the head of the household. West and her siblings were home-schooled, with most details of their lives (clothing, mannerisms, hobbies, etc.) stringently controlled. West grew up knowing that her main goal in life was to get married and bear children, and that she would live as a stay-at-home daughter until she was courted by a “Biblical” man vetted by her father.
The first half to two-thirds of the memoir depicted West’s childhood, teen, and young adult years. Her narrative was incredibly riveting and full of rich descriptions of the places she and her family lived, as well as their home life. She particularly excelled in showing how gradual and insidious the emotional abuse and religious trauma she endured became as she grew up.
The rest of the book depicted how she escaped her strict family and what her life is like now. This section really drove home the enduring effects of the emotional and religious trauma she endured: PTSD, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks. And yet this was done in a thoughtful way that was not triggering and full of care and compassion not only for herself, but for others who experienced similar upbringings.
With the ever increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in US politics, especially for this upcoming election cycle, I highly recommend reading this amazing memoir to get a necessary glimpse into how Christian patriarchy infringes on the rights of women and children, disallowing them their agency and personhood.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the digital ARC of this book. All opinions expressed are my own.
The first half to two-thirds of the memoir depicted West’s childhood, teen, and young adult years. Her narrative was incredibly riveting and full of rich descriptions of the places she and her family lived, as well as their home life. She particularly excelled in showing how gradual and insidious the emotional abuse and religious trauma she endured became as she grew up.
The rest of the book depicted how she escaped her strict family and what her life is like now. This section really drove home the enduring effects of the emotional and religious trauma she endured: PTSD, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks. And yet this was done in a thoughtful way that was not triggering and full of care and compassion not only for herself, but for others who experienced similar upbringings.
With the ever increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in US politics, especially for this upcoming election cycle, I highly recommend reading this amazing memoir to get a necessary glimpse into how Christian patriarchy infringes on the rights of women and children, disallowing them their agency and personhood.
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the digital ARC of this book. All opinions expressed are my own.
January 25, 2024
Full disclosure, I was also a stay at home daughter in a homeschool family. Although Cait and I did not know each other at the time, our experiences are similar and we have become acquainted online as we have both become more open about our experiences with the patriarchy. I agreed to be an early ARC reader for Rift.
Cait West (a pen name) tells the story of how her family began as a pretty normal American family and her life as her authoritarian father became involved in the Christian Patriarchy movement. Her writing is beautifully poetic without becoming tedious. She communicates with incredible compassion for those who are also in her story. I won’t spoil the details, but the book follows her through her tween years as a homeschooled kid, teens as a daughter being groomed to be a good wife, and as a stay at home daughter in her twenties experiencing courtships. We get a glimpse into her mental processes as she begins to mentally break free from the emotional abuse and how she managed to escape her family home and the island they lived on for a new life of autonomy and love. The last third of the book follows her as she heals and adapts to her new life of independence. That part of the book was what impacted me the most. I’ve struggled a lot with shame for the challenges I experienced since my own escape and to see her openly share about experiencing many of the same things was helpful in a way I don’t quite have words for. It’s an excellent reminder that escaping a bad situation is the first hurdle- the challenges that follow are often even harder.
When I first found out Cait was writing this book I was terrified. I knew I needed to read it and I knew it would be intense. I was pleasantly surprised that she did a fantastic job presenting her story in a factual way that is conscientious of how triggering these stories can be. She provides a trigger warning at the beginning of the book and in spite of my own intense CPTSD from my experiences, I was never triggered by the book. It instead gave me a way to grieve in a new healthy way.
I would highly recommend Rift for anyone who wants to understand how the Christian patriarchy homeschool movement has affected the children raised in it. I would also recommend it for those that have personal experience with authoritarian patriarchy or love people who have. She gives the reader a window into what we experienced. I will be asking my husband to read it because although he knew me while I was a stay at home daughter I think her book could provide even more insight into who I am as a person.
Cait West (a pen name) tells the story of how her family began as a pretty normal American family and her life as her authoritarian father became involved in the Christian Patriarchy movement. Her writing is beautifully poetic without becoming tedious. She communicates with incredible compassion for those who are also in her story. I won’t spoil the details, but the book follows her through her tween years as a homeschooled kid, teens as a daughter being groomed to be a good wife, and as a stay at home daughter in her twenties experiencing courtships. We get a glimpse into her mental processes as she begins to mentally break free from the emotional abuse and how she managed to escape her family home and the island they lived on for a new life of autonomy and love. The last third of the book follows her as she heals and adapts to her new life of independence. That part of the book was what impacted me the most. I’ve struggled a lot with shame for the challenges I experienced since my own escape and to see her openly share about experiencing many of the same things was helpful in a way I don’t quite have words for. It’s an excellent reminder that escaping a bad situation is the first hurdle- the challenges that follow are often even harder.
When I first found out Cait was writing this book I was terrified. I knew I needed to read it and I knew it would be intense. I was pleasantly surprised that she did a fantastic job presenting her story in a factual way that is conscientious of how triggering these stories can be. She provides a trigger warning at the beginning of the book and in spite of my own intense CPTSD from my experiences, I was never triggered by the book. It instead gave me a way to grieve in a new healthy way.
I would highly recommend Rift for anyone who wants to understand how the Christian patriarchy homeschool movement has affected the children raised in it. I would also recommend it for those that have personal experience with authoritarian patriarchy or love people who have. She gives the reader a window into what we experienced. I will be asking my husband to read it because although he knew me while I was a stay at home daughter I think her book could provide even more insight into who I am as a person.
April 29, 2024
Whew. What. A. Story. And also, what a gifted storyteller the rest of us get to swallow.
April 15, 2024
Riveting and completely gorgeous. I couldn’t put it down.
February 18, 2024
A heartbreaking and empowering story of Cait West’s life and ultimately freedom from Christian patriarchy. West’s story takes us from her birth to present day, sharing her courageous story of leaving and thriving outside of harmful religious ideology.
West was a part of a specific trend within Christian patriarchy known as the the stay-at-home-daughter’s movement. She explains, “In the case of Christian (or biblical) patriarchy, the cult leader is each family’s father, deemed prophet, priest, and king of the household—a Christ figure.” Quite simply, West was expected to stay at home, serve her father, and wait until he arranged her marriage. Higher education, formal employment, or dating on her own were out of the question.
Rift will appeal to readers who escaped a similar lifestyle as West, and those, like me, who can relate to other less extreme expressions of Christian patriarchy. The style of her memoir reminds me of bestsellers like Educated, although some may find West’s story not as radical as other memoirs. Discussion of land rifts thread throughout the book, which naturalists and the geology-minded may appreciate more than I did.
“I’m reminded how painful it was to be squeezed into such a small world of existence, to have every part of my being managed and altered and controlled, and one day it finally hits me: I was in a…cult.”
The trauma West suffered and the resilience she demonstrates is inspiring. Some readers may be hesitant to read this because West has left organized religion. However, I feel nothing but empathy and understanding for her. If we had the same experiences she had, when God and faith become so entangled with subordination and abuse, we may have done the same. West’s courage will inspire all of us to live a more authentic faith and life.
4.5 stars. Thank you to NetGalley and Eerdmans for an early review copy of this book.
West was a part of a specific trend within Christian patriarchy known as the the stay-at-home-daughter’s movement. She explains, “In the case of Christian (or biblical) patriarchy, the cult leader is each family’s father, deemed prophet, priest, and king of the household—a Christ figure.” Quite simply, West was expected to stay at home, serve her father, and wait until he arranged her marriage. Higher education, formal employment, or dating on her own were out of the question.
Rift will appeal to readers who escaped a similar lifestyle as West, and those, like me, who can relate to other less extreme expressions of Christian patriarchy. The style of her memoir reminds me of bestsellers like Educated, although some may find West’s story not as radical as other memoirs. Discussion of land rifts thread throughout the book, which naturalists and the geology-minded may appreciate more than I did.
“I’m reminded how painful it was to be squeezed into such a small world of existence, to have every part of my being managed and altered and controlled, and one day it finally hits me: I was in a…cult.”
The trauma West suffered and the resilience she demonstrates is inspiring. Some readers may be hesitant to read this because West has left organized religion. However, I feel nothing but empathy and understanding for her. If we had the same experiences she had, when God and faith become so entangled with subordination and abuse, we may have done the same. West’s courage will inspire all of us to live a more authentic faith and life.
4.5 stars. Thank you to NetGalley and Eerdmans for an early review copy of this book.
May 1, 2024
In her stunning memoir, Cait West explores the brutal memories of her upbringing with grace and fortitude.
Three specific locations are highlighted as integral to her formation: Colorado, Hawaii, and Michigan. Cait crafts stunning scenes with every word, detail, and attention given to the ways places burrow into our psyches—-contribute to our wounding or our wholeness.
Cait writes, “I’d moved too many times to feel like I belonged in any one place. Delaware to Pennsylvania to Colorado to Hawai’i. The land was always shifting under me, and I was forever trying to balance. I was always looking for belonging.“
—-
Raised within a strict, homeschooling, patriarchal family, Cait watched the years slip by as more and more of her personal freedoms were stripped away. Her actions were controlled by her father, from the clothes she wore, to the education she received, to the men she was (or was not) allowed to court and marry.
This story is gutting in its illumination of the horrors of patriarchy and high control religion. It’s also empowering as we read of Cait’s escape, follow along in the aftermath of abuse and starting over again “in the real world.”
She writes, “I was taught not to trust myself: my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I hadn’t been given the tools to discern things for myself. I’d been trained to be dependent, unthinking. I did not know what to do with my anxiety, my suicidal thoughts. Repenting of them hadn’t been enough to make me healthy. But as I got out, I learned that I didn’t have to struggle alone to find my way forward. I found people who loved me, supported me…I learned to listen to my intuition, hear my own voice. I learned from my mistakes, knowing that the new community I was finding would keep me steady.”
I give this book all the stars I can offer and recommend it to every reader who has endured the great grief of leaving certainty behind, learning how to trust the self, creating new homes in unfamiliar places, and beginning the brave work of healing.
Three specific locations are highlighted as integral to her formation: Colorado, Hawaii, and Michigan. Cait crafts stunning scenes with every word, detail, and attention given to the ways places burrow into our psyches—-contribute to our wounding or our wholeness.
Cait writes, “I’d moved too many times to feel like I belonged in any one place. Delaware to Pennsylvania to Colorado to Hawai’i. The land was always shifting under me, and I was forever trying to balance. I was always looking for belonging.“
—-
Raised within a strict, homeschooling, patriarchal family, Cait watched the years slip by as more and more of her personal freedoms were stripped away. Her actions were controlled by her father, from the clothes she wore, to the education she received, to the men she was (or was not) allowed to court and marry.
This story is gutting in its illumination of the horrors of patriarchy and high control religion. It’s also empowering as we read of Cait’s escape, follow along in the aftermath of abuse and starting over again “in the real world.”
She writes, “I was taught not to trust myself: my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I hadn’t been given the tools to discern things for myself. I’d been trained to be dependent, unthinking. I did not know what to do with my anxiety, my suicidal thoughts. Repenting of them hadn’t been enough to make me healthy. But as I got out, I learned that I didn’t have to struggle alone to find my way forward. I found people who loved me, supported me…I learned to listen to my intuition, hear my own voice. I learned from my mistakes, knowing that the new community I was finding would keep me steady.”
I give this book all the stars I can offer and recommend it to every reader who has endured the great grief of leaving certainty behind, learning how to trust the self, creating new homes in unfamiliar places, and beginning the brave work of healing.
March 24, 2024
Rift by Cait West is a powerful true story of a woman raised deep in the grips of Christian patriarchy who found a way to escape.
Starting with the imagery of the land under our feet growing and evolving over time (a seemingly subtle yet impactful dig at the YEC vs evolution fight that so many of us raised in fundamentalism have learned so very well), Cait West brilliantly uses this as a metaphor for her evolution from reformed stay-at-home daughter to the fierce feminist she is today.
With a compelling and easy-to-read style, she takes the reader on a journey through her life and the journey her family went on as her father began to learn more about patriarchy and complementarianism and took a firm stance as the head of his household, dictating the limitations of his wife and each of his children.
Cait’s world was small and isolated, as she depended upon her father for any glimpse of the outside world, friendships, and even suitors. Not allowed to date or choose her husband, Cait describes a pattern in which her father would dangle a potential husband in front of her - and all the promises of new life and freedom that might come for her with marriage - only to toss it away and keep her at home even longer.
Eventually, Cait begins to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing. She describes the toll it took on her physical and mental health and how she fought with her father for the freedom and agency she knew she deserved.
As a survivor of abuse and high control religion, I saw my own story in Cait’s in so many ways. It left me feeling seen and validated. And to see the woman Cait has fought so hard to become today also feels encouraging. I believe other survivors will feel the same.
I also think this book is a great resource for those who want to better understand what Christian fundamentalism is and the harmful impact it can have on the kids raised in these kinds of systems.
The more we know, the more we can change both ourself and the harmful institutions that perpetuate these toxic belief systems.
Starting with the imagery of the land under our feet growing and evolving over time (a seemingly subtle yet impactful dig at the YEC vs evolution fight that so many of us raised in fundamentalism have learned so very well), Cait West brilliantly uses this as a metaphor for her evolution from reformed stay-at-home daughter to the fierce feminist she is today.
With a compelling and easy-to-read style, she takes the reader on a journey through her life and the journey her family went on as her father began to learn more about patriarchy and complementarianism and took a firm stance as the head of his household, dictating the limitations of his wife and each of his children.
Cait’s world was small and isolated, as she depended upon her father for any glimpse of the outside world, friendships, and even suitors. Not allowed to date or choose her husband, Cait describes a pattern in which her father would dangle a potential husband in front of her - and all the promises of new life and freedom that might come for her with marriage - only to toss it away and keep her at home even longer.
Eventually, Cait begins to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing. She describes the toll it took on her physical and mental health and how she fought with her father for the freedom and agency she knew she deserved.
As a survivor of abuse and high control religion, I saw my own story in Cait’s in so many ways. It left me feeling seen and validated. And to see the woman Cait has fought so hard to become today also feels encouraging. I believe other survivors will feel the same.
I also think this book is a great resource for those who want to better understand what Christian fundamentalism is and the harmful impact it can have on the kids raised in these kinds of systems.
The more we know, the more we can change both ourself and the harmful institutions that perpetuate these toxic belief systems.
February 16, 2024
[Many thanks to the publisher, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, for the gifted digital advanced reader copy via NetGalley. This review is not compulsory and all thoughts are my own, provided freely.]
Cait West's story is a rare gift. Marked by poetic prose and beautiful simplicity, this memoir explores the underbelly of the Christian patriarchy lifestyle and, through the author's own unflinching commitment to tell the truth of her story, invites the reader to explore and speak the truths of their own.
Cait West was raised in the world of conservative Christian patriarchy, one where husbands and fathers are empowered to rule their homes with unquestioned authority. After years of suffering under abusive teachings, relationships, and expectations, Cait heard the story of another woman who escaped a similar upbringing. Something inside her unlocked and ultimately, gave her the hope and empowerment to breakaway herself.
Whether she's discussing the harms of Christian patriarchy, the pedantic standards and rules she was measured up to, her struggles with her mental and physical health, or the colonizers and oppressors within her family's lineage, Cait speaks with an honesty that refuses to back down at the presence of discomfort or pain. Her tender boldness speaks to her confidence in who she was, is, and is becoming and is nothing short of beautifully human and humble.
An overarching theme within this book, for me, was the power of one's story. It was hearing another woman's story that helped inspire Cait to freedom; no matter how your story ebbs and flows, it has the power to reach someone, to become a voice that tells another, "You are not alone."
This book is priceless in its honesty, daring in its humanity, and is sure to be an inspiration to many.
Cait West's story is a rare gift. Marked by poetic prose and beautiful simplicity, this memoir explores the underbelly of the Christian patriarchy lifestyle and, through the author's own unflinching commitment to tell the truth of her story, invites the reader to explore and speak the truths of their own.
Cait West was raised in the world of conservative Christian patriarchy, one where husbands and fathers are empowered to rule their homes with unquestioned authority. After years of suffering under abusive teachings, relationships, and expectations, Cait heard the story of another woman who escaped a similar upbringing. Something inside her unlocked and ultimately, gave her the hope and empowerment to breakaway herself.
Whether she's discussing the harms of Christian patriarchy, the pedantic standards and rules she was measured up to, her struggles with her mental and physical health, or the colonizers and oppressors within her family's lineage, Cait speaks with an honesty that refuses to back down at the presence of discomfort or pain. Her tender boldness speaks to her confidence in who she was, is, and is becoming and is nothing short of beautifully human and humble.
An overarching theme within this book, for me, was the power of one's story. It was hearing another woman's story that helped inspire Cait to freedom; no matter how your story ebbs and flows, it has the power to reach someone, to become a voice that tells another, "You are not alone."
This book is priceless in its honesty, daring in its humanity, and is sure to be an inspiration to many.
February 10, 2024
This is an outstanding memoir and such an important story to be told. Cait’s writing is so clear and well-organized, honest and compelling.
Although I grew up in a family that was only nominally Christian, it’s amazing how many of the ideas that impacted Cait’s life so profoundly, managed to seep into my life, too. These ideas are so pervasive, much more than I think most people are aware. I really appreciated the quotes throughout the book, taken directly from the sources that her father relied on. Even though I had never read these sources myself, I can clearly see their connections to my own lived experience.
And as a young adult in my early 20s, I somehow ended up finding myself going down a path similar to Cait’s. I remember when I was in my early 30s, being told I was sinning because I didn’t still live with my parents. And even though I did go to college and live on my own, I remember the way I was treated by the church as a single woman, and the waiting around for a husband so my life could finally start. Cait’s descriptions reflect so much of my own background.
I so appreciate Cait sharing her voice and experience. I think it’s vitally important to hear about not just her life within religious fundamentalism, but how she got out, and how it continued (and continues) to affect her. I think her story will connect with a lot of people and help them feel less alone, as it did for me.
I received a copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
Although I grew up in a family that was only nominally Christian, it’s amazing how many of the ideas that impacted Cait’s life so profoundly, managed to seep into my life, too. These ideas are so pervasive, much more than I think most people are aware. I really appreciated the quotes throughout the book, taken directly from the sources that her father relied on. Even though I had never read these sources myself, I can clearly see their connections to my own lived experience.
And as a young adult in my early 20s, I somehow ended up finding myself going down a path similar to Cait’s. I remember when I was in my early 30s, being told I was sinning because I didn’t still live with my parents. And even though I did go to college and live on my own, I remember the way I was treated by the church as a single woman, and the waiting around for a husband so my life could finally start. Cait’s descriptions reflect so much of my own background.
I so appreciate Cait sharing her voice and experience. I think it’s vitally important to hear about not just her life within religious fundamentalism, but how she got out, and how it continued (and continues) to affect her. I think her story will connect with a lot of people and help them feel less alone, as it did for me.
I received a copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
February 9, 2024
I received a digital ARC from Netgalley.
Read. This. Book. If you have people in your life, read this book. Cait tells her own story but it overlays on so many people's experiences with aspects of how oppression and minimization happens, even from seemingly good motives, how it comes from people who are trying to help but end up hurting so badly.
Her story telling is honest, humble, and heartbreaking. It doesn't end in a tidy way - there are lots of places where the reader is not told how things end. But that's ok. Cait is already charting her own course through life and the details she does and does not share reinforce how this has become her path now. I thoroughly enjoyed the scientific and historical and geological parts that added vivid color to how a younger Cait probably soaked up as much as she could, not realizing until later how one-sided the information has been.
Regardless of your thoughts on religion generally (and Cait's experience specifically), I hope that you read this book with open hands and an open heart. She is gifting us with an opportunity to enter into a story still in progress but one that is rich with progress. It isn't finished but we can hold her and her story gently as the earth keeps shifting, alive, under all of our feet.
Read. This. Book. If you have people in your life, read this book. Cait tells her own story but it overlays on so many people's experiences with aspects of how oppression and minimization happens, even from seemingly good motives, how it comes from people who are trying to help but end up hurting so badly.
Her story telling is honest, humble, and heartbreaking. It doesn't end in a tidy way - there are lots of places where the reader is not told how things end. But that's ok. Cait is already charting her own course through life and the details she does and does not share reinforce how this has become her path now. I thoroughly enjoyed the scientific and historical and geological parts that added vivid color to how a younger Cait probably soaked up as much as she could, not realizing until later how one-sided the information has been.
Regardless of your thoughts on religion generally (and Cait's experience specifically), I hope that you read this book with open hands and an open heart. She is gifting us with an opportunity to enter into a story still in progress but one that is rich with progress. It isn't finished but we can hold her and her story gently as the earth keeps shifting, alive, under all of our feet.
March 11, 2024
This book was heartbreaking to read, as a person with family members deep in similar patriarchal Christian communities. I am grateful that the author found her way out, and I'm hopeful that hearing her story will help others see the ways in which they, too, have participated in religious systems that keep women and others "small."
April 16, 2024
Wow ! What a story. What a life the author has lead. And that she made it out of the dictatorial, emotionally abusive, cult-like upbringing to understand that how she was raised was very unhealthy. Bravo to the author !
This book captivated from Page 1. The author used an unusual, yet effective technique in starting the first 20 or so pages with geological, tectonic plates... with the Earth's shifting geological formations analogous to the ever-shifting ground she grew up on. Her analogies to geologic changes over millions of years interspersed in the story of her life was effective, and clever.
I recommended this book to two friends and my daughter already, saying they need to kept on their radar once it's published.
I appreciated how the author blossomed as she grew up, as she grew more aware of how her parents ( Father mostly... ) had unusual methods of discipline, Bible devotion and a complicated standing in his Church ( having to switch churches as other's became disillusioned with her Father's leadership ).
Great debut book ! Highly recommend for those who appreciate memoirs involving personal and emotional growth and increasing self-awareness.
This book captivated from Page 1. The author used an unusual, yet effective technique in starting the first 20 or so pages with geological, tectonic plates... with the Earth's shifting geological formations analogous to the ever-shifting ground she grew up on. Her analogies to geologic changes over millions of years interspersed in the story of her life was effective, and clever.
I recommended this book to two friends and my daughter already, saying they need to kept on their radar once it's published.
I appreciated how the author blossomed as she grew up, as she grew more aware of how her parents ( Father mostly... ) had unusual methods of discipline, Bible devotion and a complicated standing in his Church ( having to switch churches as other's became disillusioned with her Father's leadership ).
Great debut book ! Highly recommend for those who appreciate memoirs involving personal and emotional growth and increasing self-awareness.
May 22, 2024
Rift is a well written memoir about the Stay-at-Home-Daughter movement that was popular in the early 2000s among religious homeschoolers steeped in the patriarchy movement. Cait West writes with grace about her childhood and early adult years with her family and this movement. Many who write of their experiences are harsh in their tone, but West exudes grace and empathy as she recalls her experience. It is heartbreaking to read about the total control her father and church exhibited over her life. There is so much more she could have written, and she gives an accurate portrayal of life inside those circles. She is kind in her assessments and careful to give her father the benefit of the doubt that he made his choices out of a kind of dysfunctional “love.” I’m not sure I would be. Those who were raised in fundamentalist religion will find echos in her story; others will read in fascination that women in America actually live like this. Cait gives voice and language to many girls and women in the movement who are so brainwashed, confused or stuck in a movement with no way out.
West has a way with words that will keep the reader engaged, not wanting to put the it down. The book is a series of essays she wrote so at times the chapters don’t necessarily flow smoothly and can seem disconnected. The second half of her book is more her healing stage of processing it all, which I found healthy as many times these type of memoirs keep the reader wondering where the author is at in life. Kudos to her for finding escape, hope and healing and finding a spouse who supports and embarks on the journey with her! That is a rare gift.
A book well worth reading!
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an advanced read in exchange for my honest review.
West has a way with words that will keep the reader engaged, not wanting to put the it down. The book is a series of essays she wrote so at times the chapters don’t necessarily flow smoothly and can seem disconnected. The second half of her book is more her healing stage of processing it all, which I found healthy as many times these type of memoirs keep the reader wondering where the author is at in life. Kudos to her for finding escape, hope and healing and finding a spouse who supports and embarks on the journey with her! That is a rare gift.
A book well worth reading!
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an advanced read in exchange for my honest review.
April 21, 2024
If you grew up in Christian Patriarchy, Purity Culture, and/or the homeschool movement and want to know you aren't alone, read Cait's book! If you know someone who grew up in Christian Patriarchy, Purity Culture, and/or the homeschool movement and want to understand their lived experiences , read Cait's book! If you want to understand the effects of Christian Patriarchy, Purity Culture and/or the homeschool movement on those raised in it, read Cait's book! Basically, everyone should read Cait's book!!!
May 25, 2024
Women's stories matter. Christian patriarchy and societal patriarchy hurts women. Women need full agency and autonomy over themselves (their lives, their bodies). Cait West is brave for sharing her story. In my youth, I experienced religious manipulation and dogma and can attest to the resulting trauma. I appreciated her acknowledgement of the perpetuation of generational trauma. Of colonialism and the impact on indigenous peoples. Of the immensity and scope of all the pain and problems... and how we can find our own unique way to shed light to help break cycles.
March 29, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company and Cait West for the ARC of this book.
I was very excited to read Rift, as it seemed to be written in the same vein as North of Normal, Educated and Glass Castle. I love any book that exposes a a very alien type of society or way of life to me. Plus I love anything a little bit culty. This was also my first look into the Christian patriarchy movement and wow. The concept of a stay at home daughter is absolutely wild, and hearing Cait West's story was wild.
Rift is divided into two parts- West's story in the first half, and the second half she muses over her trauma and works through healing it. The first half of the book was great, however, the second half lost my interest and felt like it started dragging. A better editor could have shortened down the second section of the book which would have made it more readable.
I felt like Cait West didn't go that deeply into her story- I felt like she could have been much more descriptive of the events which took place with her father and it felt like a lot of smaller traumatic events were passed over, which could have made the story more powerful. After reading other memoirs about abusive and wild childhoods (like the ones mentioned above), it just felt like Rift lacked some depth. Now- I do not want to judge West too hard for not going deeper- because I am sure that even revisiting these events at all is re-traumatizing.
The first half of the story would have been a 4 for me, and the second half was probably a 2.5, so rounding out to a 3.
I was very excited to read Rift, as it seemed to be written in the same vein as North of Normal, Educated and Glass Castle. I love any book that exposes a a very alien type of society or way of life to me. Plus I love anything a little bit culty. This was also my first look into the Christian patriarchy movement and wow. The concept of a stay at home daughter is absolutely wild, and hearing Cait West's story was wild.
Rift is divided into two parts- West's story in the first half, and the second half she muses over her trauma and works through healing it. The first half of the book was great, however, the second half lost my interest and felt like it started dragging. A better editor could have shortened down the second section of the book which would have made it more readable.
I felt like Cait West didn't go that deeply into her story- I felt like she could have been much more descriptive of the events which took place with her father and it felt like a lot of smaller traumatic events were passed over, which could have made the story more powerful. After reading other memoirs about abusive and wild childhoods (like the ones mentioned above), it just felt like Rift lacked some depth. Now- I do not want to judge West too hard for not going deeper- because I am sure that even revisiting these events at all is re-traumatizing.
The first half of the story would have been a 4 for me, and the second half was probably a 2.5, so rounding out to a 3.
April 24, 2024
Thank you to the publisher, author, and netGalley for providing me with a copy of this in exchange for an honest review.
TRIGGER WARNING: This book involves subjects about abuse, homophobia and purity culture.
Rift is a memoir about a girl who grew up in the Christian Patriarchy Movement. Chronicalling from her birth and all the way to the modern day Cait discusses how much her life changed when her father came across the Christian Patriarchy movement and how that behaviour affected and influenced both her and her siblings. She discusses the emotional abuse, the gaslighting and manipulation that comes with the movement and the way every aspect of her life was completly controlled by her father who was, at the time, seen as one of the top speakers on courtship. She discusses falling in love, her brother coming out, and the friends she loved and lost through her father's control. She covers faith and the idea of an all loving God being warped into a God who supports the abuse and manipulation girls suffered through the Christian Patriarchy movement.
This was a difficult book to read. Growing up, a protestant who is heavily involved in Chuch I was both interested and scared of what I would find between the pages of this book. And yet I read it in one sitting. This memoir was lyrical, beautiful, and poignant, leaving me so thankful for my own faith and the freedom I experienced whilst also leaving me to question the behaviour of people around me.
"She was ecstatic with existence."
The memoir begins with Cait talking about her early life. The christian kindergarten she went to. Her father smiling at the table. Her siblings laughing and going to high school, ready for life to start. She speaks of a child, a distant memory of herself, who was unburdened by the theologies and ideas of a church run entirely by men. And then she begins to talk about what happened when her father stumbled across a figurehead of the Christian Patriarchy movement and the changes that hit her family suddenly, changing everything.
"Be kind, but not yourself."
When Cait was 11, her sister almost 18, her father started to change his rules about dating. He began to call it courtship and began to put together a list of things a woman should be in order to be a good wife. Cait remained at home, learning to cook and clean and sew, knowing her father would be the one to choose who she married. This action started a culture of chastity and control in her home, with her sister ending up in an abusive marriage. Cait asks the questions: Does a list of qualities equal a happy marriage? Can you truly fall in love without knowing the person first? Does purity culture create a safe haven for women, or does it perpetuate abuse? We, the reader, are left to answer those questions alone.
"I played at who I was or who I could have been."
For over a decade, the author fit into the box her father created for her. She watched one of her older brothers leave home and join the military to escape her father, but didn't truly understand why. She moved around with her family, never staying in one place long enough to make good friends. She thought her 15 year old friend was joking about having a husband. She realises many years later that she probably wasn't joking. She's told that by getting emotionally invested in a male, she is causing pain to his future wife. She discovers that she must not show any skin. She is told she is responsible for men's sins, that she must not lead them astray. She goes to churches where men lead the church and women are restricted to the children or the kitchens. She grows in a culture of sexism and manipulation, and for many years, she thinks it is normal. Soon, she decides she wants out, the decision only cemented by her father's refusal to allow her to court a man who will end up becoming her husband.
Cait was very thorough in this book. Although it is non-fiction, it reads like fiction, with elements that could have been coming out of The Handmaids Tale. She opens up about her father, about the PTSD she still suffers with. She discusses the way the culture of her household turned her from a completely happy and normal child to an adult with severe OCD who thinks that everything she does that her father disagrees with is a sin. And she discusses the route of healing she had to take.
I loved this book. I'm always interested in the idea of nature vs. nurture, and Cait covers the subject with a great degree of emotional intelligence, sharing the boundaries she set in place to protect herself and others. She recounts how the emotional abuse she received made her think it was her fault when she and her husband couldn't have children, even though they later discovered he was the one with issues. I found it really interesting to read about a situation where the woman is always to blame - where the woman is the sinner and the man a saviour. Cait covers homosexuality, discussing the churchs reaction to her brother coming out and the effect that had on his life. This book was so intelligently written, tying in bible verses, personal accounts, and articles from magazines her father would have read as she was growing. She ends the book by realising that her father was always going to end up being controlling and emotionally absuive. He just found something to hide behind.
I find the idea of people hiding their evil behind faith very interesting. It is the perfect excuse, and the world perpetuates that, with the Chrisitan Patriarchy movement still being at the forefront in many homeshcool, home plant churches. This book is part memoir, part criticism, and I think that, despite the themes, it is a book most young women should read at some point. It was beautiful.
4.5 stars.
TRIGGER WARNING: This book involves subjects about abuse, homophobia and purity culture.
Rift is a memoir about a girl who grew up in the Christian Patriarchy Movement. Chronicalling from her birth and all the way to the modern day Cait discusses how much her life changed when her father came across the Christian Patriarchy movement and how that behaviour affected and influenced both her and her siblings. She discusses the emotional abuse, the gaslighting and manipulation that comes with the movement and the way every aspect of her life was completly controlled by her father who was, at the time, seen as one of the top speakers on courtship. She discusses falling in love, her brother coming out, and the friends she loved and lost through her father's control. She covers faith and the idea of an all loving God being warped into a God who supports the abuse and manipulation girls suffered through the Christian Patriarchy movement.
This was a difficult book to read. Growing up, a protestant who is heavily involved in Chuch I was both interested and scared of what I would find between the pages of this book. And yet I read it in one sitting. This memoir was lyrical, beautiful, and poignant, leaving me so thankful for my own faith and the freedom I experienced whilst also leaving me to question the behaviour of people around me.
"She was ecstatic with existence."
The memoir begins with Cait talking about her early life. The christian kindergarten she went to. Her father smiling at the table. Her siblings laughing and going to high school, ready for life to start. She speaks of a child, a distant memory of herself, who was unburdened by the theologies and ideas of a church run entirely by men. And then she begins to talk about what happened when her father stumbled across a figurehead of the Christian Patriarchy movement and the changes that hit her family suddenly, changing everything.
"Be kind, but not yourself."
When Cait was 11, her sister almost 18, her father started to change his rules about dating. He began to call it courtship and began to put together a list of things a woman should be in order to be a good wife. Cait remained at home, learning to cook and clean and sew, knowing her father would be the one to choose who she married. This action started a culture of chastity and control in her home, with her sister ending up in an abusive marriage. Cait asks the questions: Does a list of qualities equal a happy marriage? Can you truly fall in love without knowing the person first? Does purity culture create a safe haven for women, or does it perpetuate abuse? We, the reader, are left to answer those questions alone.
"I played at who I was or who I could have been."
For over a decade, the author fit into the box her father created for her. She watched one of her older brothers leave home and join the military to escape her father, but didn't truly understand why. She moved around with her family, never staying in one place long enough to make good friends. She thought her 15 year old friend was joking about having a husband. She realises many years later that she probably wasn't joking. She's told that by getting emotionally invested in a male, she is causing pain to his future wife. She discovers that she must not show any skin. She is told she is responsible for men's sins, that she must not lead them astray. She goes to churches where men lead the church and women are restricted to the children or the kitchens. She grows in a culture of sexism and manipulation, and for many years, she thinks it is normal. Soon, she decides she wants out, the decision only cemented by her father's refusal to allow her to court a man who will end up becoming her husband.
Cait was very thorough in this book. Although it is non-fiction, it reads like fiction, with elements that could have been coming out of The Handmaids Tale. She opens up about her father, about the PTSD she still suffers with. She discusses the way the culture of her household turned her from a completely happy and normal child to an adult with severe OCD who thinks that everything she does that her father disagrees with is a sin. And she discusses the route of healing she had to take.
I loved this book. I'm always interested in the idea of nature vs. nurture, and Cait covers the subject with a great degree of emotional intelligence, sharing the boundaries she set in place to protect herself and others. She recounts how the emotional abuse she received made her think it was her fault when she and her husband couldn't have children, even though they later discovered he was the one with issues. I found it really interesting to read about a situation where the woman is always to blame - where the woman is the sinner and the man a saviour. Cait covers homosexuality, discussing the churchs reaction to her brother coming out and the effect that had on his life. This book was so intelligently written, tying in bible verses, personal accounts, and articles from magazines her father would have read as she was growing. She ends the book by realising that her father was always going to end up being controlling and emotionally absuive. He just found something to hide behind.
I find the idea of people hiding their evil behind faith very interesting. It is the perfect excuse, and the world perpetuates that, with the Chrisitan Patriarchy movement still being at the forefront in many homeshcool, home plant churches. This book is part memoir, part criticism, and I think that, despite the themes, it is a book most young women should read at some point. It was beautiful.
4.5 stars.
May 17, 2024
This beautifully written memoir tells the author's story of surviving Christian patriarchy, the Stay at Home Daughters movement, and her father's emotional abuse. She directs her story both to people with similar backgrounds in the same fundamentalist circles, and to readers outside of this extreme subculture within Christianity. Cait West illustrates her experiences through vivid personal narratives, explains the beliefs and dynamics that robbed her of agency, and intersperses the memoir elements with experimental reflections on geology and different geographic features in the places where she has lived. Although she moves through her story in a primarily linear way, she incorporates lots of different elements in short, essay-like chapters, and also includes quotations and analyses from different books, sermons, and other teaching resources that promoted the toxic belief structure she escaped.
This is a unique, thoughtful memoir. West writes with honesty and compassion, clearly calling out toxic belief systems and abusive practices without heaping shame and blame on others, and without trying to annihilate her past self. I found this book very engaging and hard to put down, and even days afterwards, I could vividly picture many of the scenes that she described. She creates a very strong sense of place through her writing, particularly when she writes about her former life in Hawaii. She could have just depended on readers' cultural familiarity with this place from photographs or tourism, but she describes it in a way that makes it feel incredibly immediate and vivid, all in a way that feels integral to the story she is telling and the sensory details of what she experienced.
This book will appeal to people who are personally healing from similar harm, and to those who enjoy reading memoirs from the perspectives of people who have left cults. However, because many readers will approach this book as something sensational that will confirm their biases, I wish that West had more clearly delineated how extreme her subculture was. Other people's positive, normal experiences with Christian homeschooling do not negate her trauma in any way, but because some readers will want to generalize her experiences, I wish that West had made it clearer just how fringe so much of her background was within conservative evangelicalism, not just in society at large.
I also felt that some of the sections towards the end were rushed. West shares snapshots and reflections about her escape and her healing process, but these chapters cover the course of years without the level of detail that many readers will want about her initial escape and entry into a normal life. It's her life and her story, and she doesn't have to share any details that she doesn't want to, but I still think that parts of the final stage of the book feel scattered and random, after the taut, focused narrative from earlier in the book. Regardless, this is a powerful, deeply personal story, and I would recommend this to people who have endured similar traumas or want to better understand the subculture that she escaped.
I received an ARC from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
This is a unique, thoughtful memoir. West writes with honesty and compassion, clearly calling out toxic belief systems and abusive practices without heaping shame and blame on others, and without trying to annihilate her past self. I found this book very engaging and hard to put down, and even days afterwards, I could vividly picture many of the scenes that she described. She creates a very strong sense of place through her writing, particularly when she writes about her former life in Hawaii. She could have just depended on readers' cultural familiarity with this place from photographs or tourism, but she describes it in a way that makes it feel incredibly immediate and vivid, all in a way that feels integral to the story she is telling and the sensory details of what she experienced.
This book will appeal to people who are personally healing from similar harm, and to those who enjoy reading memoirs from the perspectives of people who have left cults. However, because many readers will approach this book as something sensational that will confirm their biases, I wish that West had more clearly delineated how extreme her subculture was. Other people's positive, normal experiences with Christian homeschooling do not negate her trauma in any way, but because some readers will want to generalize her experiences, I wish that West had made it clearer just how fringe so much of her background was within conservative evangelicalism, not just in society at large.
I also felt that some of the sections towards the end were rushed. West shares snapshots and reflections about her escape and her healing process, but these chapters cover the course of years without the level of detail that many readers will want about her initial escape and entry into a normal life. It's her life and her story, and she doesn't have to share any details that she doesn't want to, but I still think that parts of the final stage of the book feel scattered and random, after the taut, focused narrative from earlier in the book. Regardless, this is a powerful, deeply personal story, and I would recommend this to people who have endured similar traumas or want to better understand the subculture that she escaped.
I received an ARC from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
May 22, 2024
Thanks to the publisher and Netgalley for this eARC.
“Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy” by Cait West is a profound and moving account of one woman’s journey out of the confines of a repressive system into the liberating light of self-discovery and empowerment. West’s narrative is not just a personal story; it’s a resonant exploration of the broader implications of spiritual and emotional manipulation within the Christian patriarchy movement.
The memoir unfolds as a series of reflections, each tied to the geographies of West’s life, from Delaware to Michigan. These places serve as more than mere backdrops; they are integral to understanding the progression of West’s experience within the stay-at-home daughter movement. The author’s candid recounting of her upbringing under the strictures of her father’s control is both harrowing and enlightening.
West’s prose is lyrical yet accessible, weaving geological metaphors with her life’s narrative to illustrate the seismic shifts in her worldview. The danger of isolation is a central theme, highlighting how it serves as a tool for control and a barrier to broader perspectives. Yet, it is the emergence of external support systems that offers a glimmer of hope. Through the kindness of friends, the love of her husband, and the solidarity found in shared stories, West charts a path towards freedom.
“Rift” is more than a survival story; it’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of breaking free from oppressive ideologies. West’s journey is a beacon for those navigating their own escape from systems of control, and her memoir is a valuable contribution to the conversation around religious trauma and the legacy of purity culture.
In essence, Cait West’s “Rift” is a compelling narrative that balances the personal with the universal, the painful with the hopeful, and the descriptive with the analytical. It’s a must-read for anyone interested in the complexities of spiritual abuse, the dynamics of patriarchal systems, and the courage it takes to reclaim one’s life.
“Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy” by Cait West is a profound and moving account of one woman’s journey out of the confines of a repressive system into the liberating light of self-discovery and empowerment. West’s narrative is not just a personal story; it’s a resonant exploration of the broader implications of spiritual and emotional manipulation within the Christian patriarchy movement.
The memoir unfolds as a series of reflections, each tied to the geographies of West’s life, from Delaware to Michigan. These places serve as more than mere backdrops; they are integral to understanding the progression of West’s experience within the stay-at-home daughter movement. The author’s candid recounting of her upbringing under the strictures of her father’s control is both harrowing and enlightening.
West’s prose is lyrical yet accessible, weaving geological metaphors with her life’s narrative to illustrate the seismic shifts in her worldview. The danger of isolation is a central theme, highlighting how it serves as a tool for control and a barrier to broader perspectives. Yet, it is the emergence of external support systems that offers a glimmer of hope. Through the kindness of friends, the love of her husband, and the solidarity found in shared stories, West charts a path towards freedom.
“Rift” is more than a survival story; it’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of breaking free from oppressive ideologies. West’s journey is a beacon for those navigating their own escape from systems of control, and her memoir is a valuable contribution to the conversation around religious trauma and the legacy of purity culture.
In essence, Cait West’s “Rift” is a compelling narrative that balances the personal with the universal, the painful with the hopeful, and the descriptive with the analytical. It’s a must-read for anyone interested in the complexities of spiritual abuse, the dynamics of patriarchal systems, and the courage it takes to reclaim one’s life.
April 11, 2024
It took me a little time to sink into the narrative--while the opening that establishes the large scope of the memoir's themes grabbed my attention and left me itching for more, the next few chapters about Cait's childhood felt somewhat directionless, disjointed. Still, subtly ominous episodes from early on in her life kept me reading to find out what would happen, and by the time she reaches her pre-teens, I saw myself all over the pages of the book. I plowed through to the end, anxiously waiting to see how and when she would finally break free from all the invisible chains that had held her for so long. And the payoff was exhilarating, massively cathartic--and also very bittersweet. I've waited for a long time for a book to capture the experience of leaving a toxic patriarchal family, something I know far too well myself, and this one does to a T. Cait's compassionate self-knowledge and the understanding she has gleaned of her situation on the other side of it informs the book with insight and wisdom that I hope will be a beacon for others still trapped, and the way she couples integrity with gentleness in telling her story is deeply commendable.
Disclaimer: I received an advanced copy of this book from the publisher, W.B. Eerdmans, for the purpose of leaving a fair and unbiased review.
Disclaimer: I received an advanced copy of this book from the publisher, W.B. Eerdmans, for the purpose of leaving a fair and unbiased review.
April 24, 2024
In her April 4th Eerdman’s interview, Cait West says, “I’ve been called an apostate, a heretic, and a witch. But I don’t take it personally. 🙂 I prefer ‘truth teller.’”
I can think of no better way to begin this review than to say, “Read my friend Cait’s book! She’s a truth teller!”
From the first to the final page, there is so much to love:
* Cait West’s skilled and beautifully crafted writing, like this from the opening page: “If I am alone enough or scared enough, I try to collect the memories, weave them together like lace, like snowflakes.”
* Cait’s honesty about “the complexity of past love and loss and damage” which threads through the book as a steady both/and of emotions and experiences that have shaped who she has become, who she is still becoming.
* Cait’s hope on the final page that, “I have room to love and be loved, to explore the Earth unafraid, to pray or be silent. I am open to the wonder of living.”
Readers on their own journeys—particularly those breaking free from fundamentalism and abusive structures of all sorts—can trust that through the rifting of their own lives, “we can survive, and in the separating, we become something new, always evolving.”
I can think of no better way to begin this review than to say, “Read my friend Cait’s book! She’s a truth teller!”
From the first to the final page, there is so much to love:
* Cait West’s skilled and beautifully crafted writing, like this from the opening page: “If I am alone enough or scared enough, I try to collect the memories, weave them together like lace, like snowflakes.”
* Cait’s honesty about “the complexity of past love and loss and damage” which threads through the book as a steady both/and of emotions and experiences that have shaped who she has become, who she is still becoming.
* Cait’s hope on the final page that, “I have room to love and be loved, to explore the Earth unafraid, to pray or be silent. I am open to the wonder of living.”
Readers on their own journeys—particularly those breaking free from fundamentalism and abusive structures of all sorts—can trust that through the rifting of their own lives, “we can survive, and in the separating, we become something new, always evolving.”
April 30, 2024
Thank you to the author for my advance electronic copy via NetGalley. My opinions are my own.
Cait West was raised in a household steeped in the Christian patriarchy movement, where she was programmed to believe that women are inferior to men and that it was her role to serve first her father, then her (eventual) husband. This is a story of abuse and manipulation for the sake of power, all hidden within the guise of spirituality and the Truth. West survived this long enough to finally escape, and within these pages we can relive her trauma and the courage it took to break away and choose her own future.
I appreciate the honesty and transparency in what must be a heartbreaking process of laying bare a traumatic past. West is deeply observant in her poetic, lyric prose. This is a series of glimpses, vignettes, and flashes of memory that will most probably be triggering for some (it was for me). But if there is to be any change this cannot be left to flourish in the dark, as it has for so long.
Trigger warning provided by the author: “This book talks about abuse, suicidal ideation, infertility, and religious trauma, among other sensitive topics. I have tried to write my story with your physical, emotional, and mental well-being in mind, but please take care.”
Cait West was raised in a household steeped in the Christian patriarchy movement, where she was programmed to believe that women are inferior to men and that it was her role to serve first her father, then her (eventual) husband. This is a story of abuse and manipulation for the sake of power, all hidden within the guise of spirituality and the Truth. West survived this long enough to finally escape, and within these pages we can relive her trauma and the courage it took to break away and choose her own future.
I appreciate the honesty and transparency in what must be a heartbreaking process of laying bare a traumatic past. West is deeply observant in her poetic, lyric prose. This is a series of glimpses, vignettes, and flashes of memory that will most probably be triggering for some (it was for me). But if there is to be any change this cannot be left to flourish in the dark, as it has for so long.
Trigger warning provided by the author: “This book talks about abuse, suicidal ideation, infertility, and religious trauma, among other sensitive topics. I have tried to write my story with your physical, emotional, and mental well-being in mind, but please take care.”
May 6, 2024
Thanks to NetGalley and Eerdmans for the ARC of this title.
RIYL: Educated, The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church, Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation.
This was a fantastic memoir of what growing up under the Christian Patriarchy movement, and the braiding of the author's narrative with a record of the media available to them at the time helped fill in the gaps of what this felt like. The juxtaposition stood out for me - this felt like a quilt or a tumblr page, where all the pieces provide a more informed whole.
RIYL: Educated, The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church, Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation.
This was a fantastic memoir of what growing up under the Christian Patriarchy movement, and the braiding of the author's narrative with a record of the media available to them at the time helped fill in the gaps of what this felt like. The juxtaposition stood out for me - this felt like a quilt or a tumblr page, where all the pieces provide a more informed whole.
April 10, 2024
Wow. Just Wow.
I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of this book and I am so thankful!
Cait's story is both harrowing and healing to read. She writes about something so painful and traumatic, in a way that I have never read before. Weaving her life experiences into nature, you gain not just understanding of what her life has been like, but how she experienced it.
The concepts around spiritual abuse, christian patriarchy, authoritative parenting, toxic theology, mental health are not spoken about enough. At times, when they are spoken about; they will be coming from a place of anger and bitterness - and rightly so sometimes. However, you will not get this tone from Cait, she has written this from a place of wholeness and healing.
For some of you, the christian patriarchy and stay-at-home daughter movement may be new to you. I would suggest that you approach Cait's book with openness, curiosity and a willingness to sit with the uncomfortable realities for many people.
You wont just be reading words on a page; you are reading someones life. You will feel that.
I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of this book and I am so thankful!
Cait's story is both harrowing and healing to read. She writes about something so painful and traumatic, in a way that I have never read before. Weaving her life experiences into nature, you gain not just understanding of what her life has been like, but how she experienced it.
The concepts around spiritual abuse, christian patriarchy, authoritative parenting, toxic theology, mental health are not spoken about enough. At times, when they are spoken about; they will be coming from a place of anger and bitterness - and rightly so sometimes. However, you will not get this tone from Cait, she has written this from a place of wholeness and healing.
For some of you, the christian patriarchy and stay-at-home daughter movement may be new to you. I would suggest that you approach Cait's book with openness, curiosity and a willingness to sit with the uncomfortable realities for many people.
You wont just be reading words on a page; you are reading someones life. You will feel that.
April 29, 2024
Cait West writes with beautiful imagery, capturing the highs and lows of the home school landscape in the 90s, illuminating the hidden underside of the warped beliefs in the conservative church, and ripping off the shiny wrapping that has concealed the dangers of complementarianism and the stay at home daughters movement.
“It wasn’t until later that I discovered the rules I had been abiding by all along to keep my place.” For many of us who grew up in fundamentalist spaces this is familiar. It takes years and even decades to see what beliefs built the harm done to us. Personally, I’m still unpacking many of the rules that I learned in childhood.
The geological threads woven through the story were stunning, and West says part of the reason she added them was to stay grounded while writing about deep trauma. I learned so much about the land around me and it felt so natural, giving the book an underlying structure that spanned thousands of miles.
Throughout the book, West shares how she found bits of solid ground through friendship, literature, and online support groups. As she digs through her past and rebuilds her life, she generously holds her hand out to those coming behind her, helping reinforce the stepping stones survivors must use to get out of the canyon of despair they were tossed into in order to feed the beast of christian patriarchy.
“It wasn’t until later that I discovered the rules I had been abiding by all along to keep my place.” For many of us who grew up in fundamentalist spaces this is familiar. It takes years and even decades to see what beliefs built the harm done to us. Personally, I’m still unpacking many of the rules that I learned in childhood.
The geological threads woven through the story were stunning, and West says part of the reason she added them was to stay grounded while writing about deep trauma. I learned so much about the land around me and it felt so natural, giving the book an underlying structure that spanned thousands of miles.
Throughout the book, West shares how she found bits of solid ground through friendship, literature, and online support groups. As she digs through her past and rebuilds her life, she generously holds her hand out to those coming behind her, helping reinforce the stepping stones survivors must use to get out of the canyon of despair they were tossed into in order to feed the beast of christian patriarchy.
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