What do you do when you realize you're a fucked up person?

I think there's something in Buddhism that says, you're no longer the man you were yesterday. Also, what you do is, you change yourself in the way that you think would be appropriate, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're alive right now and there's only so much left to save. Let go of your past and go the way you think is right from now on. If you feel that you owe the world something, give the rest of your life away to them, but don't be selfish and ruin it. We all want you to have a good life, no matter what you did in the past. So go out there and make some good things happen. :)

Allow me to pose that you are probably not an inherently "fucked up" person, more so you are an "inherently good person who has developed bad habits."

"All we are is a result of what we have thought." I've heard that before, and I said, "wow, you know, that's really true." Unfortunately we as humans have the ability to look at something like that and agree, but not necessarily let that resonate with us. What does that mean? It means that we agree, but we don't come to realization of the true implications of it and begin to grow, change, and develop our lives around it. I am guilty of this as well and this did not resonate with me for some time until recently.

What happened when it finally did was monumental short-term change. I almost instantly identified all of the bad habits and negative emotions and thoughts that I was carrying around and doing, and took immediate steps to rectify them. I did things like deleting social media because I was incapable of participating without perpetrating negativity to other individuals (gossip, etc.). I deleted my vast pornography collection of years because I identified the negative effects that had on my spiritual and sexual growth as an individual. I cleaned my house. I called my family and friends. I have much to do, but I know I am on the right path now. The first step in a journey is often the most difficult. Remember that "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." Don't get bogged down in what you think you "deserve." To shed some of this, maybe attempt to right the wrongs you've done. This is difficult. You will not always get positive results, but the important part is that you sincerely tried, and you can take pride in that and move forward.

Here is what I am doing: Begin a process of writing down ALL of your habits, whether they be positive or negative, and then sit down and really evaluate them objectively. Make conscious decisions to change or improve all negative habits in your life. Before you know it this "person" or this "ego" that you have identified as "you," the..."fucked up person," will no longer exist, as truly "he" does not, no more so than when you have finished reading this sentence.

One thing you'll learn as you get older is that EVERYONE is fucked up. Everyone. We have all done horrible things, had terrible thoughts, indulged in some horrifically guilt-inducing pasttimes. We can't change the past. We need to move on from that to become the people we really want to be.

Indulging people's pity is a position of weakness. It's hard to gain respect, even self-respect, when you are in a victim position. The good thing is, you have the power to change.

One thing that has helped me immensely in that regard is the sentence "I am responsible." I say it again and again. Yes, it means taking a lot of blame for my circumstances, and sometimes that's hard, even shameful. But it gives me the control. I am responsible for being overweight, which sucks. But I can also be responsible for changing it, by eating healthier and working out. I am responsible if I am broke, yet I can also get a second job or a better job, or learn the skills to better myself. I am responsible if I am not in a relationship, so I can TAKE responsibility, and work on becoming the kind of person others want to be around, and I can take responsibility for meeting lots of people to expand my network of peers and potential dates.

We ALL put our parents through shit. But we can make the choice not to do that anymore. So, take responsibility. You have 100% control over that. You can even apologize to them, which is painfully hard to do, yet is also very freeing, and shows them that you accept responsibility for your past actions, and are working toward a much better relationship in the future. I have not only apologized to my parents for my past actions, but I have thanked them for disciplining me, and telling me "no", even though at the time I couldn't hear it. They actually cried when I thanked them, because THEY are full of doubts, too, and always wondered if they were doing the right thing or not. It was VERY freeing and humbling, and allowed us to deepen our relationship greatly.

In short, stop giving others control. TAKE control of your life and start to make slow, deliberate changes. It does 2 things. Firstly, it will give you the control you feel you lack, and secondly, it will improve your self-esteem dramatically.

You know how when you're down, you start to go down a spiral? Like you think to yourself "I really suck," and then suddenly ALL you can think of are the terrible things you've done, and how awful you are, so you feel even worse, and you feel you deserve to feel that bad, and it just snowballs? Well, that works the opposite way too. You start to think "I am responsible." So then you take a little control, and apologize to someone, or do a workout, or apply yourself to something. Then you feel good. REALLY good. You think to yourself "I did it! I really did it. It was hard, and I did it. I AM responsible!" And the next day you say "I can change this little thing," and you do it, even thought it's hard, and you feel even better, your self-esteem goes up, you feel in control, and that feeling is addictive.

It changed my life.

If you think you may be depressed, definitely get professional help. Depression is not something you can just wish away, or say "I'll snap out of it."

In the meantime, you ARE responsible. And you CAN change.

Trust me. The world has a way of paying you back for everything you've done. It's called children...of your own. They're coming and YOU will be your parents soon.

I want to second that Buddhism might be a nice path for you. There's an amazing book called The Teachings of The Buddha by Jack Kornfield, sort of like a daily devotional. The pages are falling out of mine and the cover is ripped to shreds I've been reading it for so long.

Start meditating and eat some mushrooms

First of all, it's good to realize this now and not later. So step one is done. You have empathy, which is good.

Something I realized that kind of blew my mind is that your intentions don't really mean anything. You can have the best intentions and have a way of understanding things in your head and it means nothing if you don't act honorably. No one is justifying your actions besides you.

At this point, the only thing to do is to start doing good things. Treat people well, don't hold resentments, don't have pity parties. Do things for others without any thought of what you are getting out of it.

Everyone does regrettable things. You are young and have unlimited chances to be a great person with a great life.

Write down all the thoughts you have about why you are fucked up. Look at them down there and realize no wonder I believe i am fucked up thinking stuff like that. Take each of these sentences and find their opposite truth. Write that down. After you are through with this you will feel better.

Sounds like you might have actually grown a conscience. That's a good thing. Listen to it more. :)

Everyone has done stupid shit in their past and I can guarantee just about everyone also has little flashbacks to their most personally embarrassing moments. But what is in the past is in the past, you can not undo it or change it. What you can do is choose how to respond to it in the present. Outwardly, you can try to not repeat those mistakes, inwardly, you have to stop beating yourself up over them. Just breathe, relax, and let those thoughts go.

A fucked up person has the potential to be a very humble person.