Author Woody Allen | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Woody Allen

[After a fight] Yeah, I’m fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy’s fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Fights TV/Movie Quotes

I can’t listen to that much Wagner… I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Entertainment Music Places War

I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Sex and death; two things that come once in a lifetime… only after death, you’re not so nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Sex

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Opinion

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage

I have an interesting case. I’ m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’ m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris: Yeah, what did you do, place?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages, but love accounts for the other third.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Marriage

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Emotions Fear

Luna: It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.

Miles: 204, if you count my marriage.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage Wives

My brain? … It’s my second favorite organ.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Sex

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes