It’s Sunday once again, and our favorite Quotes of the Week are in.
In the list below — which features our picks for TV’s most memorable sound bites of the past seven days — you’ll find over two dozen shows represented, including Elsbeth, NCIS: Hawai’i, Hacks, The Cleaning Lady, Chicago P.D. and Fire Country.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: NCIS, Grey’s Anatomy, Saturday Night Live, Blue Bloods, The GOAT, Abbott Elementary, Doctor Who, Real Housewives of New Jersey and more. Plus, you’ll find a Hamilton reference from Girls on the Bus and a Harry Potter shoutout from The Rookie.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Nick Caruso, Vlada Gelman, Keisha Hatchett, Rebecca Iannucci, Charlie Mason, Matt Webb Mitovich, Kimberly Roots and Ryan Schwartz)
“Look, he was adamant about [his wife] not knowing. Even collecting his winnings. That’s why I’m trying to sell my truck. But now, I don’t have to! I’m free and clear! [Realizing what he just said] And I just gave you motive, didn’t I?”
Pretty sloppy, Sammy
“You couldn’t separate the gangs to different hospitals?!”
“I left my sorting hat at the station.”
Luna (Angel Parker) isn’t happy about Wade (Richard T. Jones) setting up a possible gang war in the ER
“Detective Lopez, how does it feel to have your husband rush down to check on the former love of his life?”
“As the true love of his life, I feel great that he’s such a good person that he can show compassion for someone as unworthy as you.”
Angela (Alyssa Diaz) is unfazed by Monica’s (Bridget Regan) tactics
“You really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart… because he can’t reach. No one works harder than this man. Did you know that every morning, Kevin wakes up at 4 am to make a sh–ty movie? No, I love your movies — or, as I call them, short films. I’m kidding! I hate them! I don’t mean to belittle you, but you be little, man.”
Nikki Glaser goes low — you know, because she has to — to roast Kevin Hart
“I need medical attention!”
“It can wait.”
Jane (Vanessa Lachey) prescribes some suffering for Dr. Cruz (Rachel Marsh)
“You guys… are slow.”
Kai (Alex Tarrant) KOs three baddies before Swift and Kate arrive to… help
“I’ve never understood why Deborah is so huge with gay men… and then I met her and I realized, oh, she smells like poppers and her face looks like a nut sack.”
Guest star Patton Oswalt delivers one of the best lines of the night at the roast of Deborah Vance
“I thought you might want your lozenge back.”
“Ew, no! That’s been in your hand! God knows how many germs there are in that giant ecosystem!”
And the hand jokes just keep on coming!
“Barbers. I hate ’em. [Points at head] Who do you think did this to me? The worst barber of all: time.”
Mr. Johnson (William Stanford Davis) laments his lack of hair
“We did almost die.”
“Yes. But we lived so much, too.”
Ruby Sunday (Millie Gibson) considers the Doctor’s (Ncuti Gatwa) offer to be his companion
“Apparently irony is not dead. We have a dentist who won’t open his mouth.”
Jubal (Jeremy Sisto) is frustrated by a clammed-up POI
“On Wednesday, the reigning Miss Teen USA announced that she was giving up her title. Man, this week keeps getting worse and worse for Drake.”
“Back in the day, people couldn’t afford Manhattan, so they moved to Brooklyn, but now they can’t afford Brooklyn either.”
“Oh no, so where do they go?”
“To their parents.”
Kaya (Carra Patterson) explains New York City neighborhoods and migration patterns to Elsbeth (Carrie Preston)
“Bacon. You remembered.”
“I figured after your brush with death, I owed it to you to remember.”
“Does that mean if I get hit by a truck, you’ll remember that I hate cilantro?”
“I will never accept that about you.”
Russo (Liza Weil) surprises Jeremy (Brandon Jay McLaren) with breakfast after his near-death experience with Thony
“Nellie Carmichael, if you’re watching this, I know you saw Hamilton. Twice.”
Kimberlyn (Christina Elmore) confronts her white colleague at the conservative network Liberty News Direct during a live broadcast
“I’m sure you’ll make lots of friends. Maybe even a smart, weird girlfriend.”
“I have a girlfriend. Her name is Science.”
Missy (Raegan Revord) is getting ahead of herself — 16 years ahead of herself, to be exact
“What kind of snack am I?”
“You are looking like a… smoked gouda on a Triscuit.”
Gemma (Beth Behrs) placates—err, sizes up, Dave (Max Greenfield)
“When I first started dating Paul, my brother went as far as to make him meatballs and Paul went home, wound up in bed for two days. What am I supposed to cook for this guy? So I don’t cook now. I only know how to cook Italian food. I think it’s a mental thing. How can meatballs kill you?”
Dolores, we share your bewilderment at Paul’s inability to stomach Italian cuisine
“Sometimes, I think you carry so much water… And then you think, ‘If I’m going to stay afloat, there is no margin for error.’ But let me tell you something, you’re not a machine. There are two things you can do with guilt: You can let it drown you or let it give you purpose.”
Platt (Amy Morton), showing why she’s the glue that holds District 21 together with this sage advice to Atwater, who struggled emotionally throughout the hour
“We’re having an affair!”
“Can we please be anywhere else?”
A patient’s shouted confession to her husband leaves Jules (Adelaide Kane) looking for the nearest exit
“This is a reality show. The only person you’re not supposed to be able to trust is the producers!”
After Da’Vonne delivers the worst acting performance ever while throwing a challenge, Lauren tells us how she really feels about reality TV
“I do not want to be this invested in a show called The GOAT!”
Can’t say we blame you, CJ!
“You understand the rules for this next section? [Laughs]”
Host Joe Manganiello ribs Boston Rob after the Survivor champ broke a rule and was forced to take a time penalty
“He could have died. How could you not tell me?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I make a tough decision without consulting you? A decision that changed your life?”
Confessed-to-a-crime-he-didn’t-commit Bode (Max Thieriot) taught Gabriella (Stephanie Arcila) well
“Not today.”
The commish (Tom Selleck) is in no mood for salutes from his punch-drunk kin
“When I am here, I do not feel like I need to be anywhere else. Just with you.”
“That’s the magic of the bench.”
“Mmh-mmh. That’s the magic of Bob Wheeler.”
And Bob (Billy Gardell) and Abishola (Folake Olowofoyeku) lived happily ever after
The Nikki Glaser quote wasn’t even close to her best joke of the night let alone the one most deserving attention from that night. It was probably the laziest one she did though.
I didn’t watch but I could tell it was lazy just reading it and was surprised there weren’t better choices that didn’t have to do with body shaming.
So disappointed XMen 97 was left off.
Jean: “Make them mind your weather, sister.”
Storm: “And them weather your mind.”
It was a perfect exchange between chosen family
The “I thought that was non-diegetic” line from Doctor Who should have been on here.
Can we PLEASE have one of Billy Gardell’s next projects be a John Astin biopic?
CSI Vegas – one word – plastinated
I though Sammy’s second exchange with NCIS on how he would dump a car belonging to someone he murdered was much funnier.
YES some Girls On The Bus love. Thanks for including it! Hope there’s another season
As great as Trudy’s speech to Atwater was on CPD, wouldn’t it have also been helpful to tell him to see a therapist to deal with his guilt and grief and not expect him to do it himself? I mean he was literally stalking his victim’s family at that point.
From Bill Maher: “Remember to call your mom on Mother’s Day. Unless you’re Gen Z, in which case just go upstairs.”
everything the maestro says in ‘devil’s chord’.