cohost! - "..."
HunnyBon

TV entity, MtF, Programmer, Writer

Amidst the cosmic soup around us, despite everything, there's always light.

Hi!!! I'm Maddie. I like a lot of things that I can't list off the top of my head!!

I'm fluent in Python, Java, Kotlin, Lua, and a little C#.


estrogen-and-spite
@estrogen-and-spite

I'll go first:

So I originally was going to go with Sara. I've always vibed with the name, I used it in video games for my characters constantly, and it just felt right. Also for Sara Kerrigan who's "I'm queen bitch of the universe" line was probably my first experience of gender envy. The problem is at this point Sara had become a character in what was my most popular series at the time so it felt weird naming myself after a character I only retroactively realized was a self-insert of my gender needs.

I next was going to go with Jessica, for Jessica Drew from Marvel - specifically the Ultimate version of the comics. While the Ultimate comic line is largely remembered for being mostly bad and had the one redeeming quality of introducing us to Miles Morales (which 100% is the best thing to come from the Ultimate universe), it also gave us Jessica Drew of Earth 1620 - a clone of Peter Parker who just had the Y chromosome replaced with an X, and also had all of Peter's memories. The character was incredibly trans coded and fascinated me long before I figured out I was trans...but one of my closest friends is Jessica and so it felt weird.

So then I was going to with Rachel for Rachel Summers from the X-Men as well as to give myself a name that tied me to my Jewish origins but then someone asked "Can I call your Rach?" and the sound of that shortening was so very much not a vibe that I dropped the name entirely.

Then I remembered Sylvia. Sylvia Dawngard was a character of mine in a long running FATE game I was playing with friends at the time. While not my first TTRPG character to be a woman - that was a Sara - Sylvia was the one that gave me gender euphoria. A changeling in a world were that meant "Human who got abducted by fae and was raised by them," Sylvia was the champion of the long forgotten Autumn Court of fae and over the course of the game came to weild the Eclipse Hammer (which I now have tattooed on my arm) and just was one of my favorite characters I've ever played. She also was constantly torn between her fae upbringing and human nature, not feeling like she fully belonged in either world, which only changed when she met her Nephilim girlfriend Kohabiel and together they formed a new home and... yeah, I loved that character.

Equally importantly there's no shortening of that name I dislike. Syl, Sylvie, Vee, Via, Lyv, Sylv, basically any version of the name worked perfectly for me.

So yeah, that's my story. What's yours?


erysdren
@erysdren
This page's posts are visible only to users who are logged in.


You must log in to comment.

in reply to @estrogen-and-spite's post:

so when we realized we were trans we kinda struggled a bit with figuring out a name, and went looking for a bunch of stuff online and old ideas we'd had pre-hatching and everything. first idea we very briefly tried out was freya, because hell yeah celebrating nordic roots and all that, but for some personal reasons we quickly decided that wasn't right.

then came the three favorites that we had narrowed things down to. the first, anna, was one we liked, but for other personal reasons, we decided to veto that one. (said personal reasons were not quite as relevant when a headmate later decided to claim that name.) our next favorite was victoria, which... honestly in retrospect, kinda surprised we didn't go for? we think it's a nice name (which is again why one of us later adopted it too), and it would have been a hilarious resolution to a conflict related to our birth name (our mom wanted to name us after a family member (victor (probably spelled with a k but details)), our dad and our grandmother (mother's side) wanted something from our dad's side, our actual birth name was a compromise), but... we didn't.

and the reason, as far as we remember? the sounds were too harsh. our initial realization had us hard recoiling from masculinity of any kind thanks to all that dysphoria, and we just wanted something soft. a name where the pronunciation rolled, instead of chopped. our deadname was hard, every syllable a hammer, and we wanted none of that anymore. was it a good decision? dunno. is it even possible to make a good decision a couple weeks into the quagmire that's rebuilding your sense of gender?

so we had our third alternative: lillia. unusual (if you ignored the proximity to lily), light, and honestly just what we needed then. it was one of few names that had stuck out to us during our exploration of names, and we decided we'd try it out for a while at least, when we came out to our first irl friends and such. and then it stuck around long enough to become our legal name.

(and while we've kinda partially grown out of it individually over the years (turns out a lot of our general drive for hyperfemininity was dysphoria, who'd've thunk?), it still makes a lovely body name for us. perhaps more feminine than we'd like, but we are all fine with it still and enjoy it. which is very good, because legally we're stuck with it for another 7 years)

we changed our name a bunch since we came out at 14; we started out voxel (from minecraft's track 'dead voxel'), didn't stick > tried out joshua for a while but we have a half-brother who's name is josh so that wasn't gonna work > tried out jamison / jamie fer a bit but it didn't stick > went by zero for a while after the dog from the nightmare before christmas > settled on miles (after miles edgeworth from ace attorney) because we like mi- sounds, an then picked cecil as our middle name (after cecil from wtnv, gay icon.)

i had tried out a number of names as pen names, but most of them felt borrowed from characters more than anything that spoke to me personally. some of them literally were just ripped from games/shows/books, but my feelings for those names aside, i wanted something i could make my own independent memory associations with, rather than having this pre-existing character define it for me.

so i spent some time looking through sites that had a bunch of names, and spun through them for several weeks. when i found one i liked, i'd say it to myself in conversational sentences, as though someone were addressing me with it. eventually i came to lyra, which didn't immediately appeal to me, but idk. the more i sounded it out to myself and spelt it out in ink, i just grew to like the feel and sound of it. its connections to the constellation and the myth of orpheus, given that i'm a poet myself!

something that didn't occur to me until i read your own post is that, back in the days when i played a lot of WoW in high school, i kinda transitioned from playing my first character, a male hunter, to a female paladin. her name was maxlyra, which is so funny to think about in retrospect. that draenei was living the maxxed lyra life before i even considered that i was trans! gods that's so crazy to think about now, hahaha

in the early 90s I played a lot of party CRPGs that wanted you to name characters individually. for variety I started opening a text editor, flailing wildly at the keyboard, and then scanning for an aesthetic (or at least pronounceable) substring. this was also how I named my first two fursonae in 1995, and while I made a handful more in '96, none of them stuck like those two: Lenester and Akhra.

when the untold layers of spackle and duct tape finally gave out and my egg exploded in 2019, I spent maybe six months trying not to be That Furry. I considered Rhiannon, after the Fleetwood Mac song; I'd used it here and there through the years, including one of the '96 sonas. I asked my mother if there was a planned name if the doctor said I was a girl: yes, Clingsong, because my parents were goddamn last-wave hippies ๐Ÿ˜น (and that became my sister's middle name so it was mercifully out of consideration)

but Akhra had already been the name through which I'd interacted with the world as a woman for a quarter century. whether or not I could see or accept it as such, whether or not it had been boxed into safe corners, my public social transition really started in 1995 and no lingering cringe anxiety could interrupt so much inertia. it was a comfortable well-worn name, saturated with happy memories.

so I embraced the keysmash, and legally became my fursona.

In 2018 I took in a small plant of unknown type from my workplace, as it was getting to big for its pot, and happily cared for it. As it goes with most things of that nature I have to name them at some point. Some time that year I stumbled upon the painting 'Yseult la blonde' by Gaston Bussiere. To this day still the most beautiful painting in the world, if you ask me.
So, I figured, why not name the plant "Isolde", the German version of the name.
In 2018 my egg was starting to slowly crack here and there, but I wasn't yet at a point where I was looking for a name for myself.
Sadly, somewhere in 2019 plant-Isolde contracted some kind of insects and despite my best efforts, it didn't survive.
By that point I was already thinking of choosing another name for myself, but nothing had come up yet. So I thought "Since the plant-Isolde died, why not try that name out for myself?" and I liked it from the get-go.
Also was kind of nice to carry on that name for my first ever house plant.
When I found out later it means "iron" or "the iron fighter" (in German "die eiserne Kรคmpferin", which has a much nicer ring to it imo), I was delighted.

When I then came out that same year, in 2019, it was nice to have a new name already in hand. A fitting, true name. One that I was very happy with and I still say it gladly and proud, whenever I introduce myself.

However, with the way the German law works currently (thankfully finally changing in a few months), the name changing process can be quite intensive and costly, so I didn't immediately jump to doing that, after I had come out to almost all of my social circles.
During the early pandemic years in 2020, I stumbled upon a tweet of someone joking that "nine months after the western lockdowns in March, a bunch of kids would be born that very well might be named 'Dystopia'", which I immediately took a liking to, except the dystopic part of that name didn't quite work for me.
I then quickly settled on 'Utopia' as a second name. It felt fitting, finally having realized who I truly was, being a woman, with a smidge of my typical bullshit, i.e. naming myself after an impossible to reach, perfect state.

And, well, after spending over a thousand Euros and going through the German legal system to change my name, I've now been 'Isolde Utopia' for a while I couldn't be happier. Well, maybe that I don't get to use my second name as much.
I'm not stopping there, though.
As I only had one name for the large majority of my life so far, I was always a bit envious of other's second or even third names.

When the new law finally comes into effect this November here in Germany, I will be there day one, to add at least two more names to the current two.
They are 'Medusa' and 'Kassandra'.
The Medusa out of the Greek mythology had been one of the first big female characters I took a real (but back then secret) liking to. Also would still love to have snakes as hair, but I'm settling for the name, for now.
This one I decided upon in 2022, when I remembered that whole topic during my childhood and how much it meant to me.
The Kassandra is a later addition, from last year, because I wanted the K initial back from my deadname. From all the ones with the initial K I thought of, it's the only one I really like and also the connection to the character in Greek mythology helps (the one that predicts things, but nobody believes her).

Also helps that both can be shortened in ways I like a lot more, like "Em" or "Kass", than the current "Isi" I get from a lot of people for Isolde.

However, with a few months of idle waiting time ahead of me, I'm thinking of another one. Maybe with the initial V. Haven't decided upon this one yet, though.

P.S.: Sylvia's a great name! As are the shortened versions!

Honestly, I only recently started to see some legitimacy in a name I've unwittingly been mulling over, basically since first seeing it in a wii game I first played as a teenager that broke my brain in some of the best ways, which wasn't even the name of a character. It feels a little pretentious and perhaps carries some weird cultural history, but after using it as like, a name for a fake user account for a past job, I don't know if I can shake it.

I've never felt like I liked my name, but I don't think it's even offensive enough to bother me enough to change it. I've never felt like there was a name that I could like, or even find more suitable. Even though this one that's lurked in my memory for over a decade feels ill-fitting, I think it may still be the most resonant option, though I've seldom considered anything else.

Still not figured out anything I'm going to do about all this gender, but more and more I feel like I must try Something

i was considering a few different names, charlie/charles as my other top contender. i wanted something kind of gender ambiguous, and at that time i was going by a shortening of my birthname that started with R. i liked the alliteration potential of my first and last name starting with R so i focused on that.
i dont know why i did this, but i wrote "remy" on two notebook pages like 200 times during a class in high school and just lodged it in my brain so hard i couldnt go by anything else.
alternatively i share the shortening of a name with my favorite actor to ever play sherlock holmes, jeremy brett.
and if not just doubling down on that fact, my middle initials are JM for james moriarty too.

Had a big self hating complex fueled by a bunch of shitty theology dumped into my brain that the only way to use the overwhelming amount of anger i carried inside myself was to subsume all emotion and pursue capital J Justice as an ideal

Had a total breakdown over the course of a year that made me question everything i ever believed as true, completely reframed my own feelings as being rooted in genuine care for others and myself, and thought hey y'know, Justine is a real pretty name