I just don't know what to do with myself.

19 male-identifying guy here. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've fell down holes of mindlessly watching self-help and therapy videos, dating advice, spending most of the day watching these so-called advice videos and threads to make me feel like I'm helping myself. I've managed to keep healthy habits like journaling and meditating, having a gym routine, and I have a part-time job. At the end of the day though, I simply feel completely empty. I have no girlfriend, no close friends. The only thing that stirs me is music and the occasional 420, as I simultaneously feel like I'm waiting for my life to "truly" begin.

Things I have been going over in my head every day the past few months:

What do I value?

Music, playing it, listening, discussing it. But I've heard endlessly that everybody loves music, it's not a hobby, it's a human characteristic. Writing. But it's difficult for me to write anything when my life is so meaningless. I know I love it, when I was in a better headspace I was great at it. Now I feel much more lost. Friendship. But my friends flip-flop between treating me well and treating me like shit. That's when I even see any of them, they're not close. Love. But I've been struggling in that department after making severe mistakes a year ago, losing the only person who has truly loved me, and often feels like will ever love me.

"Do what you love."

Be realistic, what year is it? That's not a viable option anymore. If I ever want to own a house, retire at a reasonable age, be comfortable, I'll be sticking with my STEM major. I can't write or do music as anything more than a hobby. And I have no motivation to do those things anymore anyways, since I'm not really living life anyways.

"Put yourself out there."

I have forced myself to sign up for a frisbee program in my area. Never played frisbee before, just wanted to do something. I have about a month til it starts. I feel like I'll just be the depressed guy there that no one really talks to. I tried getting into my local DIY concert scene. Nobody would talk to me, and I certainly wasn't going to take the risk to talk to them. I don't really know what else I could do. Signing up for things feels great, I just have to wait a month before they actually start at which point I've lost my zeal and probably end up quitting after a few days.

I guess the only good thing I can say is I'm alive, and I want to live. I don't know who to talk to.