Just before she died, my mom and I had a conversation about my childhood and how I did not want anyone to get too close to me, especially to hug me or hold me.
I was apparently a squirmy little worm, especially when my Aunty Rossa (always doused in too much perfume and hairspray) would come to the house, flirt with my dad, and make a beeline to grab and squeeze my full round chubby cheeks. I wasn’t sure which part bothered me the most—the grabbing, the perfume, or the cheeks themselves. Although apparently my cheeks are the reason I look a bit more youthful today; they did bug me most of my life.
My mom suffered from postpartum depression after I was born and did not want to pick me up, especially when I cried. So, maybe that’s the reason I became hug, squeeze, and closeness averse. Although, it’s not necessary for me to know the why of it all. And, empathy overload and confusion about where I ended and others began aside, it just takes a lot of trust and space for me to be intimate and close to people.
Last week, I spent a few days with the latest cohort of my annual DreamQuest Mastermind in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I’m still feeling the gamut of emotions about it. It was my ninth one. I had chosen to have a much smaller group last year and so it was particularly meaningful to me to see the changes in everyone so up close and personal.
During the unfolding of the weekend, there were a lot of tears, epiphanies, deep sharing and many boxes of tissues passed around the room. Even I found myself swimming in my emotions, with so much gratitude for being part of this magnificent group of soulful journeyers.
Typically, my job is to curate the program according to the people who show up and commit to the transformative experience, able to be present and available but with good boundaries. But this time, I was acutely aware of how much I cared for these people and how much I had changed too as a result of us coming together.
I have always had a hard time with goodbyes, having developed a way of holding off until everyone’s gone to feel my feelings.
We do what we do to protect ourselves, but eventually, even those old ways that worked in the beginning, like old railway tracks laid a century ago, need to be replaced and often rerouted since the old station stops have become ghost towns. Or they’ve disappeared altogether with only a plaque on a bench to remind us where once were our memories and structures that housed lives that are no longer now.
I let myself really have a good cry, this time in front of everyone.
I will genuinely miss these amazing people. My heart is full and my tears a mix of awe, gratitude, love, and yes, sadness for the end of something so wonderful that I had the immense privilege to experience and witness.
I am so grateful that I get to do this, and to be able to cry when I say goodbye to people who touched my life so deeply.
It was a really good hurt.
Big love to you and maybe tissues too,
PS Interested in information about how to apply for the next cohort for the DreamQuest Mastermind beginning in October 2024? Contact jill@colettebaronreid.com.
