The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer: Chapter 239

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Synopsis:

Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.

Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.

Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.

Chapter 239: Standing Start

A wine bottle rolled against the side of my boot.

Amidst a gallery of stunned faces and open mouths, it was easily the second most lively thing here.

The first was a clockwork doll clutching at her stomach in pain.

“Ahahahha~ ahahaha~ ahah … uck … ack … ughh … ahahaha~”

I pursed my lips.

Still, I said nothing.

For one thing, this was precisely what happened when one ate the mouldy cinnamon rolls combined with any grass growing by the side of the road. If Apple refused to eat something, then so should she.

But for another–

“What … What is this … ?”

It was because the first response was reserved for the baroness.

Her words came out in a quivering tone, matching the disbelief upon her face.

Frankly, she had to do better than that. 

Only the wine from the bottle I nudged away dribbled into the soil. And also the line of drool from a comatose farmer. But I didn’t want to think about that. 

Still, it was an excellent benchmark. Until her tears could properly overpower the sour aroma from the Château de Riaré Hensoise, I would deem her bawling to be incomplete.

She had a long way to go.

“How … How are you still …” she began, slowly rising from her seat. “This … This is impossible–”

I offered a tidy smile alongside a flick of my hair, relishing in the moonlight adorning my figure.

“I agree. It shouldn’t be possible. But I assure you, my skin is 100% natural.”

“E-Excuse me … ?”

“No magical enchantments. No unicorn elixirs. No witchly glamors. Just a healthy sleep schedule of however many hours I desire and a diet of fresh strawberry shortcakes.”

The baroness mouthed silently at my secrets being revealed. 

A strange way of offering her gratitude. Other princesses hounded my door for this knowledge. Given her pale, blotchy skin and lips as dry as a pond in a desert, she should be pleading for more. 

Instead, she pointed at the fallen drunk beside us.

“This … This shouldn’t be possible … no, wait … the clockwork doll … did she–” 

She suddenly snapped towards Coppelia, her eyes widening.

“Uuh … ahaha … ugh, it hurts ... ahaha … it hurts so much  … ahaha … my tummy … aha … oh no … I’m … I’m seeing daisies … aha … I … ugh … I think I need help …”

Coppelia hugged her stomach, writhing like a freshly hatched caterpillar. Her eyes darkened as hiccups of laughter assailed her defeated form.

The baroness pursed her lips.

Then, she turned to Renise instead.

“Did you–”

“A-Amazing! … I … I have no idea what you did … but it wasn’t just wonderful … it was beautiful! The colours! The warmth! It was like a rainbow come to life!” 

With a smile worthy of any attendant, the maid brought her hands together in polite applause. Naturally, to be praised for my brushwork was nothing new to me. Nor was the sight of stars shining in her eyes with greater brightness than any in the night sky.

Why, that even came whenever I left my bedroom.

“You … how did … how did you defeat him … ?”

The strands of the baroness’s golden hair began to frizzle as she turned towards me. All I saw were her tonsils. Bright red and healthy. She should be pleased.

“This was … this was no common man … do you know who he is … ?”

Without offering a chance to ignore her, she stamped a foot, pointing at the fallen drunk with maddened jabs. The man offered no defence, now as spent and drained as the bottle beside him.

I raised a brow.

“Indeed, I do. He’s a farmer who made poor life choices. And between leaving his farm and offering his pitchfork to an overly ambitious baroness, the greater was you. My congratulations on being the superior mistake. I acknowledge your triumph.”

Bwam.

The baroness promptly slapped her palms down on the table.

“This man … is Willem of Hagel,” she said, her teeth gritted together. “A man desperate and cursed.”

“Yes, well, to be a peasant is a dire thing. But it could be worse. At least he isn’t nobility.”

A mouth further widened before me. 

Indeed, this was a terrible time to realise her affliction. But I was no famed angel of healing for nothing. There was a cure for ambition. And it involved copious amounts of tears.

I was still waiting. 

“There is no world in which you should have been able to defeat him … not if half the tales about him prove true … he is a famed opponent … all the while you are … you are …”

Suddenly, her eyes left my face for the very first time. 

No longer feeling that my cheeks were in danger of being poked, she swept her eyes upon my person, as though hoping to find some blemish to signify I was as false as a field of corn.

She stopped at the sword by my side. 

And also–

“A copper ring,” she said softly. 

Suddenly, my 29th house of cards I was subtly constructing collapsed.

… T-The ring!

The blot on my finger! The insidious badge of shame! The symbol of the Adventurer’s Guild! 

Why, I’d taken it for granted that my masterful disguise was impervious! But this was no ordinary noblewoman I was seated across! 

This … This was one I’d previously sat across before!

I’d made a terrible mistake! 

I was mesmerising! A beautiful princess as charming as I was modest!

There was utterly no scenario in which I’d be forgotten! 

I … I should have removed the copper ring! 

“O-Oho … ohoho … w-what copper ring?” I said, my hands vanishing below the table at a speed con artists could only nod at. “Ah, do you refer to the ruby inlaid ring I often carry on my hand? The one which changes colour depending on the longitude and latitude? In that case, you may very well have briefly spied something which resembled a copper hue. But it is in fact a thing of unparalleled beauty and craftsmanship. Not a disgraceful copper ring.”

The baroness slowly looked up at me, her eyes blinking.

“No. I wasn’t mistaken. I … I recognise that ring. It is a copper ring, the same size and shape as those worn by … adventurers.”

My mouth widened in horror.

At once, I immediately sought a plant pot or a heavy book. Something to immediately erase the past few seconds of her memory.

Why … if she knew my secret, then the shame would haunt me all the way until I’d found something weighing at least equivalent to a standard hardback!

“I see,” she mumbled, as much to herself as me. “I understand now …”

The baroness removed her palms from the table. 

She stood up straight, a hard expression upon her face. One which calculated with each passing moment the optimal way to exploit this devastating information.

Then, she took in a deep breath–just as I began assembling the playing cards into a thick pile.

“… it must be a legendary artifact.”

As I began eyeing her temple … I blinked in non-understanding.

“Excuse me?”

She nodded, her frown harsh enough to permanently crease her skin.

“To wear such a plain, ugly and shameful ring … one which utterly demeans your history, your worth and your pride, destroying any semblance of dignity you possess–”

My hand went to my stomach, struck by as much pain as Coppelia had experienced in a single moment. 

“–indeed, to wear a ring so easily mistaken as one belonging to adventurers, the vermin of the world … it must be a truly terrifying artifact.” 

I blinked.

And then–

“Ohhho … ohoohho! You … You see the truth of it!”

The baroness squeezed her fists by her side.

“I knew it.”

I nodded, my bangs bouncing against my forehead.

“I-Indeed … ! This ring I carry on me … it is a masterful item of supreme quality, passed down along generations of my family! Why, its appearance matching those of rings worn by adventurers is no coincidence! Theirs are based on this very design! Although they have since tarnished it, it was forged back in the first days of the kingdom when copper was greater than gold! Poured within it is knowledge now lost to time! A power beyond compare, called upon from the depths of the Royal Vault!” 

The baroness sucked in a hateful breath.

“Then that explains it,” she said with bitterness ringing throughout her voice. “You were able to defeat such a powerful adversary through the use of your family’s ancient heirlooms.”

“Indeed, this powerful ring with a rare ability I cannot disclose defeated a terrifying farmer! Therefore, there’s no need for you to relay any suggestion that I’m anything but a princess, as far removed from the Adventurer’s Guild as hygiene is to their members!”

The baroness gave no response.

A respite which lasted far too short.

“... I see, then it means the plan continues. Different, yes. But I’ll not be deterred.”

She smiled, the familiar sight of aristocratic opportunism mixed with an utter denial of facts shining within her grey eyes.

I could only react with horror.

“Plan?” I replied, convinced she was well and truly several sandwiches short of a picnic. “Do you mean the plan currently lying in a fallen heap beside us? Did you not just say I defeated your farmer? Your only plan now is to decide which part of the ground you wish to offer your forehead to.”

The baroness shook her head with renewed confidence. 

“I think not. To defeat Willem of Hagel, you must have expended every effort you had available. Not a crumb of power could be spared, for to underestimate him would have resulted in your certain loss. Meaning …”

Without hesitation, she gave a multipurpose wave of her hand.

“... You’ve nothing left but a sword you cannot wield, and two retainers against all of mine. One of whom is incapacitated. The other a maid.”

She continued to keep her hand raised. Her simple call to arms.

It took several moments before she cared to even look around her.

A sad thing. 

If she had, she would have realised the curiosity of her hoodlums was less than their prudence.

She would have noticed the eyes without loyalty, seeing only the fallen figure of a drunk they’d been led to believe was more than a farmer now watering the ground with his drool. 

And she would have noticed the state of her dress, as dishevelled as her ambitions as those she relied upon slinked away in search of newer gutters to inhabit, following instincts she could learn as the last of their feet shuffled into the darkness.

The baroness paled. 

It was far too early for that. She had no idea Apple was currently resting in her tavern, and wouldn’t be helping her haul all of the goods which needed delivering to a place less damp than here.

But I could sooth her forthcoming backache with a smile, at least for the assistance already provided.

“You have my gratitude,” I said, brushing a speck of … countryside from my lap. “For so long as the nobility continues to concoct slapdash schemes with no hope of success, the kingdom can continue to assign blame on you when all else goes wrong. When the mobs come calling and heads start rolling, it ensures a steady queue of necks can be offered before ours are reached. That is why the nobility continues to exist, you see, despite the ceaseless treason. So allow me to offer a word of advice when next you wish to survive in a position of responsibility. When fleeing, the best defence isn’t to run faster–it’s to trip the person beside you. And this means better hiring practices.”

I glanced pointedly around me.

All this empty space and not even a single eyepatched second-in-command to use as a distraction? An amateur mistake. One the baroness now realised as her mouth opened wordlessly, the realisation of her solitude only now dawning upon her.

Yet all it invited was a newly wrought defiance.

“I do not mean to flee,” she said, her fists tightly clenched. “I am Arisa Sandholt. And even should I be captured here, you would not be afforded a night’s rest. I am not alone. Whether tonight or tomorrow, this kingdom will fall. I am not alone in planning its demise.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Oh, please. Planning my kingdom’s demise is what everyone does.”

“What?”

“If it’s not being actively planned, it’s because someone’s in the middle of planning how to formulate a plan. And then once they’ve finished planning, they wonder why their plan didn’t work as planned. This is not a cause for concern. It’s a sign the world is still spinning the correct direction.” 

The baroness feigned a dignified silence. 

It was far too late, of course. By default, nobility had no dignity. 

Still, I accepted the effort, and filled the silence with a tidy clap of my hands.

“Now, since you’ve no intention of fleeing, you can be useful instead. I’ll require a full inventory of your stock. I intend to requisition every single item you have in your possession. Every grain. Every crown. And every odd piece of tableware, carpet, candleholder and painting you might have.” 

I pointed at the barn. A tragic thing to requisition. But if I was fortunate, it’d grow lacquered tiles and bay windows in the short steps between here and there.

Suddenly, the baroness’s eyes widened. The needless defiance dropped alarmingly from her face.

“Wait … what do you mean by that?”

I paused for a moment, puzzled by her reaction. 

This was hardly the complicated part.

“I mean exactly what I mean. This should come as no surprise. I will be emptying every corner of the property you’ve misappropriated, including whatever manner of tunnels you’ve carved for your use. Rest assured, I’ll be employing the talents of my retainers extensively. With or without your cooperation, every single inch of your abode will be inspected by myself for the Royal Treasury’s benefit.”

She blinked between Renise and Coppelia. Although one was dressed as a maid and the other now appeared to be napping on the ground, their skills when it came to matters of unearthing valuables in my kingdom’s underbelly was not one I doubted.

Nor, from the way the baroness gulped, did she.

“I can do it,” she said suddenly.

I looked at her in confusion, uncertain what ploy this was.

“... Excuse me? Do what?”

“The items of value. I can bring them out. There’s no need to personally see to such a thing yourself.”

“While I’m in full agreement, I can hardly trust your reliability in this manner. And besides, I’ll hardly be playing the mule. I shall be supervising while closely assessing every item.”

Once more, the tonsils came out.

An appalling disregard of decorum. There was only one time that nobility was permitted to look so horrified in my presence. And that’s if they were copying my own after I discovered a list of marriage suitors posing as a napkin beneath the dessert spoon again.

“E-Even so … as the one who wronged you, I insist on not troubling a princess any further. If you give me a few moments, I can acquire the most important valuables for you in a fraction of the time you’d spend on finding them.”

“A few moments to hide them, you mean. No, I’m afraid that anything you wish to stuff beneath a floorboard will need to be appropriately examined first.”

I leaned away in mild alarm as a bead of sweat ran down the baroness’s face.

A moment later–

She finally did what only someone in her position could. 

Adhering to the instincts of all nobility, she swept up her dress and suddenly dashed away.

Except it wasn’t towards the dark forest, to be lost amidst the shadows and the jaws of whatever awaited her there. It was back towards the barn.

I watched as she stumbled several times before even reaching the steps.

“... A desperate sight, no?” I said, with a sad shake of my head. “To throw away all semblance of the image she’d hoped to craft. Now she flees like a frightened towngirl. She should know that escape is now impossible.”

Beside me, Renise let out a hum.

Far from chasing after the baroness, she collected the pack of cards I’d assembled for memory wiping purposes. She began to build a house of cards.

I looked at her in puzzlement. She gave a strangely pained smile in reply.

“I believe we can offer her a few moments.”

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