Chapter Text
Exhaustion digs its hooks into the backs of your eyes, threatening to pull you out of consciousness. You shake your head; passing out in the middle of the street doesn’t seem like a great idea.
You’re currently walking outside near Rose’s flat. It’s been about two weeks since you’ve settled in, and you’re fully unpacked. Rose and Kanaya are sharing a room, so you get the second bedroom all to yourself. This is good, because it would be awkward as hell rooming with someone you’ve only just met in the flesh.
What’s not good however, is the constant edginess that’s been plaguing your mind ever since your first night here.
It’s wonderful here, that’s for sure. You never thought you could have so much fun simply existing in a space with other people before (excluding Karkat), let alone a space you also get to call home. Yet, despite how drained you felt from the day’s activities, once the lights were out you could not fall asleep. Laying still for too long made your body into a petri dish where a hazy panic would proliferate. You spent a lot of time tossing and turning. Still do. You reckon you haven’t had a full 8 hours once the whole time you’ve been here.
You assume it’s from discomfort; you’ve never actually slept in another person’s place before. But then again, could you ever fully relax in your old room?
Something about being in an unfamiliar place seems to magnify your already light sleeping habits. You’re used to jolting awake randomly throughout the night, scanning your surroundings, and then falling back into an uneasy sleep. Somehow here though, the night feels darker, racketing up your nerves further. How are you supposed to keep an eye out when you can’t see?
One night in particular stands out. You actually slept a little bit, but were rudely awoken by your bladder screaming at you. Eyes heavy and unfocused, you looked out across the room into the deep, dark abyss that had swallowed the door, and this impenetrable dread gripped your limbs. The pressure of its grasp only worsened as you snuck to the bathroom.
Being an apartment in the state of New York, the distance from your new room and the bathroom is short. Even so, you still stopped every few steps to look over your shoulder. You felt on the precipice of a full-blown panic attack over a midnight bathroom trip.
It makes you feel ridiculous. Unless he magically fucking teleported over to harass you mid lavatory trip, Bro wouldn’t be here. The possibility isn’t even worth entertaining, and this fact should be relieving. Why are you getting so worked up over the dark, like he’ll suddenly pop out like some cheapass jumpscare, brandishing one of his shitty katanas in front of you? It’s stupid, this whole thing is stupid, and you’d sooner eat a smuppet than ever admit your jejune fear of the dark out loud.
Then again, it’s not an actual fear of the dark. It’s more like a fear of what that darkness could contain, based on the multitude of past experiences you’ve had involving Bro stalking you with his shitpuppet Cal. You’d like to think this makes the fear more based in reality than less.
You sigh, your breath a puff of white in the chill air. Karkat was right; t-shirts and jeans would definitely not be enough for this. And it’s only fucking *November*, you think. Late November, but still. You don’t think you’ve ever seen your own breath in Houston, outside of maybe January and the walk-in freezer at the old gas station you worked at.
Which speaking of, fuck em>, you need a job. You’ve applied to a couple places nearby, to a resounding silence. You hope they’re just slow.
Your phone begins to ring, pulling you out of your own head. You smile. It’s Karkat’s daily call.
KARKAT: HEY, ARE YOU BUSY?
DAVE: nah man just walking aimlessly in these frigid utican streets
DAVE: sup
KARKAT: NOTHING REALLY, I’M JUST BORED OUT OF MIND HERE.
KARKAT: YOU’RE KEEPING UP YOUR NOMADIC WANDERING THING? I THOUGHT THAT WAS TO KEEP OUT OF THE HOUSE.
DAVE: yeah well
DAVE: its kinda become a habit
DAVE: i mean dont get me wrong roses place is objectively nice to be in
DAVE: i think i just dislike sitting around in one place for too long
KARKAT: YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN A HYPERACTIVE DOUCHE I GUESS.
KARKAT: THINGS ARE GOING WELL THERE, RIGHT?
DAVE: haha dude you ask me this every time you call
DAVE: i assure you nothing has changed in the 16 hours since you last called
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME FOR BEING A LITTLE FUCKING INVESTED IN MY BOYFRIEND’S NEW LIFE.
KARKAT: I’LL BE SURE TO TAKE ALL MY CONCERNS AND SHOVE THEM UP AN APPROPRIATELY VULGAR ORIFICE AS VIGOROUSLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
DAVE: oh come on
DAVE: im tired of talking about me every time you call
DAVE: ive been craving some karkat updates in this onesided news relay service
DAVE: cmon bro hit me with those kark life reports youve been so tightlipped on
KARKAT: I’M NOT THE ONE WHO MOVED ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY!
You can practically see the look on his face, part exasperated and appreciative, rubbing his face as he works to formulate a response. You miss being annoying to each other in person.
KARKAT: REALLY, THERE’S NOTHING DIFFERENT HERE.
DAVE: werent you thinking of applying to college somewhere or something
KARKAT: I STILL HAVE NO IDEA IF I WILL.
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I’D GO, OR WHAT I’D MAJOR IN, SO IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY REASON TO.
DAVE: thats bullshit
DAVE: youve been hells of interested in film studies havent you
KARKAT: WELL
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT *REALLY* A SUSTAINABLE ROAD TO GO DOWN.
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURE I’D EVEN WANT TO MAKE MOVIES OR ANYTHING, I JUST LIKE DECONSTRUCTING AND ANALYZING THEM.
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: i dunno man i think if youre interested in it you should go for it
KARKAT: I’M JUST...
KARKAT: NOT SURE I WANT TO DUMP THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS INTO A SCRAP OF PAPER PURELY BECAUSE I’M “INTERESTED” IN THE SUBJECT.
KARKAT: THAT’S THE TYPE OF HORSESHIT ONE PERCENTERS PULL.
DAVE: ok well yeah
DAVE: maybe you could minor in film shit though
DAVE: major in something else?
KARKAT: I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. I THINK I’LL KEEP AMASSING SAVINGS FROM THIS SHITTY USHER JOB UNTIL I FIGURE IT OUT.
KARKAT: I WANT TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT THIS SHIT.
KARKAT: KANKRI JUMPED STRAIGHT FROM HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE, GOT A PHILOSOPHY DEGREE, AND NOW HE’S STILL LIVING WITH ME AND DAD, FUCKDEEP IN DEBT AND WORKING PART TIME AT KROGER’S.
KARKAT: SO WITH THAT STELLAR ROLE MODEL IN MIND, I THINK I’D RATHER STICK TO USING MY AWFUL BLOG AS MY SOLE CREATIVE OUTLET.
DAVE: damn yeah cant really blame you there
DAVE: i didnt know your brother was a fucking philosophy major jesus
DAVE: that explains a lot
DAVE: and your blog aint awful dog
DAVE: its got some high quality rants
KARKAT: GEE, THANKS.
DAVE: i wasnt being sarcastic
DAVE: like i know im a fullblooded asshat 80% of the time but youre genuinely good at writing man
DAVE: which is why i want you to know if you ever wanna go into film shit or writing shit or whatever ill support you
DAVE: and not just because im obligated to as your boyfriend like
DAVE: even if we were sworn enemies id have to admit through gritted teeth and animus
DAVE: “yeah man that karkat guys writing is pretty damn good”
KARKAT: OH
KARKAT: THANK YOU.
DAVE: yeah of course man
There’s a moment of silence, which you both sit in comfortably. There was a time when you’d both scramble to fill the gaps in conversation with more rambling bullshit, but after a while of dating, you’d reached a point of apathy towards the silence. More than that, you sometimes welcome it. The two of you are used to constant noise from your own minds; sometimes sitting quietly together is soothing.
You reach a stoplight. You figure you’ve been out here long enough, evidenced by your numbed face, so you hit the crosswalk button in the direction back to Rose’s. Over the phone, you hear some movement.
DAVE: whatre you doing
KARKAT: PLANNING OUT MY NEXT BLOG POST.
KARKAT: I WAS THINKING OF DOING SOMETHING IN-DEPTH ABOUT 500 DAYS OF SUMMER.
DAVE: oh that one
DAVE: i vaguely remember it
DAVE: it had kind of a downer of an ending
The little pedestrian symbol lights up. You and a couple other people cross the street.
DAVE: i remember thinking it was weird you liked that movie
DAVE: most of the shit you like is tooth rottingly sweet and artery cloggingly cheesy
KARKAT: OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE I LIKE ROMANCE DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T ENJOY A THOUGHTFULLY BITTERSWEET ENDING.
KARKAT: I SHOULD PROBABLY REWATCH IT BEFORE I WRITE THIS ANALYSIS THOUGH.
KARKAT: SO...
DAVE: sure man ill watch it with you
KARKAT: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING.
DAVE: dont have to
DAVE: i am an expert at reading karkatisms
DAVE: and since im jobless ive been bored as all hell lately
DAVE: so im really down whenever
KARKAT: OK, MAYBE THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT? THAT’S MY NEXT DAY OFF.
DAVE: sure
As you come up on the Rose’s apartment building, the two of you say your goodbyes and hang up. Your heart feels lighter than before. Movie night with Karkat is still movie night with Karkat, even if he is over a thousand miles away from you. You are determined to not let this fact put a damper on the date’s mood.
***
Rose sets down a bottle of something on the table in front of you.
You’re currently sitting on the living room sofa, wasting your life away doomscrolling. It’s an unassuming afternoon, and Rose just got home from work. In fact, she hadn’t even changed from her Aldi’s uniform before harassing you with mysterious plastic bottles of things.
ROSE: Try these.
DAVE: dang rose
DAVE: youre going about this peer pressure biz all wrong
DAVE: first of all where are the peers
ROSE: Dave.
DAVE: i see zero peers here you couldnt even wait until kanaya got home
DAVE: second you failed to realize that i have been trained under daren
ROSE: ...
DAVE: like the lion
DAVE: you know the fuckin
DAVE: mascot or whatever
DAVE: for that failed antidrug campaign
DAVE: anyway im a fucking master of saying no watch
DAVE: no
DAVE: see i did it
DAVE: daren would shed a tear in pride
ROSE: Dave, it’s melatonin.
DAVE: oh
On second look, the label stating “MELATONIN, 10 mg” makes that fact obvious.
ROSE: You’ve been having trouble sleeping, am I wrong?
DAVE: youre not wrong but i mean
DAVE: howd you know
ROSE: Your persistently stupefied demeanor aside? I hear the front door sometimes.
ROSE: It’s dangerous to walk outside at night, you know.
DAVE: shit am i that loud
ROSE: Oh no, you’re actually very quiet. If I were sleeping, I would surely be unaware.
ROSE: I so happen to have my own brand of insomnia as well, however. It’s half the reason I bought the melatonin.
DAVE: and the other half?
Rose blankly stares at you, and you realize how stupid of a question that is. Maybe the sleep deprivation is affecting you.
DAVE: ok fine ill try some with you
ROSE: Excellent. Let us hope for the best in this venture into reciprocal guinea pig-ism.
***
The screen blurs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are going through the motions of some cutesy honeymoon phase or whatever, you’re not really paying attention. Your mind is drifting, drifting, drifting. The distant sound of metal against concrete, a raw taste in your mouth. You then realize Karkat’s been talking at you, and you’re not catching a word.
Snap out of it. You shake your head, refocusing your eyes. So far, the only effect of taking melatonin every night you can see has been increased dissociation.
KARKAT: -AND SEE, IT’S ALL TOLD FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE, SO THESE MEMORIES AREN’T WHOLLY RELIABLE. WE AREN’T SEEING *HER* PERSPECTIVE.
KARKAT: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?
His face in the corner of your screen looks concerned.
DAVE: yeah uh
DAVE: sorry ive just been tired
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE THAT’S ALL?
The movie stops. Karkat must’ve paused it from his end.
DAVE: yeah dont worry cmon we can keep watching
KARKAT: ...OKAY.
He’s suspicious, clearly, but doesn’t press. You’re thankful; you don’t want to worry him. The movie keeps going, and you keep shifting in and out of reality. It’s a little terrifying to exist like this. You’re halfway between reality, this genre twisting romcom, and memories of scraped knees and bruised knuckles. Images of your Bro’s glinting shades and swords superimpose themselves over smiley couples and dramatic breakups or whatever else is going on. A nightmarish melange of disparate thoughts and feelings.
When credits start rolling, you’re relieved.
KARKAT: WHAT’D YOU THINK?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: oh yeah it was great
KARKAT: YOU’RE A TERRIBLE LIAR.
KARKAT: LET ME GUESS, YOU WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION AT ALL.
Shit.
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY.
KARKAT: LISTEN, I’M JUST GLAD YOU WERE HERE OKAY?
You doubt you could even be considered as present during this whole thing, but you nod along.
KARKAT: AND...
KARKAT: THIS IS UNRELATED I GUESS, BUT I WAS THINKING OF COMING UP TO VISIT SOON.
DAVE: wait what
DAVE: really
Suddenly, you’re feeling a bit more awake.
KARKAT: WELL, YEAH.
KARKAT: WHY NOT?
KARKAT: I MISS YOU, AND I’M SURE I COULD SAVE UP ENOUGH FOR A PLANE TICKET.
KARKAT: I GUESS THERE’S THE ISSUE OF WHERE TO SLEEP...
DAVE: fuck a hotel man you can sleep in my room
KARKAT: RIGHT, YEAH.
DAVE: aw hell yeah this is the best news ive gotten since ive gotten here
DAVE: dude ive been losing my mind here
KARKAT: REALLY? WHAT’S WRONG?
Shit, backpedal, backpedal.
DAVE: ok well theres nothing in particular wrong
DAVE: ive just been bored
DAVE: rose and kanaya are busy with work and college and shit
DAVE: i end up alone all day
DAVE: either indoors or wandering around looking for a job
DAVE: so i could use a change of pace
KARKAT: OK WELL, WE SHOULDN’T GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
KARKAT: I STILL DON’T KNOW *WHEN* EXACTLY I COULD GET THERE.
KARKAT: BUT I’M HOPING TO AIM FOR LATE DECEMBER OR JANUARY.
DAVE: fuck yeah
DAVE: dude im so excited
KARKAT: YEAH. ME TOO.
KARKAT: I SHOULD PROBABLY LOG OFF NOW...
KARKAT: WAIT, ISN’T IT ALMOST MIDNIGHT FOR YOU?
DAVE: eh im jobless its fine
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE JOBLESS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD THROW YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING SLEEP SCHEDULE OUT THE WINDOW LIKE A CORTICALLY DEFICIENT MORON TESTS GRAVITY.
KARKAT: GO TO BED, SHITHEAD!
DAVE: uuugh okay mom
KARKAT: GO FUCK YOURSELF.
DAVE: ok now im confused
DAVE: do you want me to go to bed or to fuck myself
KARKAT: YOU’RE *INFURIATING*.
KARKAT: JUST, GO GET SOME SLEEP, COCKGUZZLER.
DAVE: haha
DAVE: yessir
You salute him and he flips you off, and the two of you log off the voice chat.
You’re too excited now to sleep. Being away from Karkat has been like a dull, unceasing ache in your chest. Now, it’s only exacerbated knowing that he’ll be visiting within the next month or two. Still, you dutifully take some melatonin and force yourself to lay down.
As you indulge the happy, surging thoughts of what you and Karkat will do together in the future, slowly but surely, a fuzzy sleepiness begins to creep in. Your mind turns to static and now you’re falling, falling, falling–
–you always keep extra in the closet. But you must be quiet, Bro’s got hearing like a bat. The path to your room stretches and stretches, on and on. Hunger is a feral beast in your stomach, biting and scratching and gnawing at your inner lining. You feel weak and unsteady, but you must stay on-guard. Something chitters next to your ear, but you force yourself not to flinch. Don’t make a sound, be like a shadow. You sneak like water through divots in a sandy shore.
Small felt hands grasp at your ankles. Someone huffs nearby, and you whirl your head around, scanning the dark and coming up empty.
Your hunger is all you have to keep going. Eyes all around bore into your skin, wearing down your flesh until you feel as though you’re nothing but naked bone. Someone is moving behind you, but you can’t see them.
You reach your room. A murder of crows swarms your window, desperately trying to get in. It’s swelteringly hot, you feel as though you’re melting. You reach for the closet door and you open it, but all that tumbles out are hundreds upon hundreds of rotting, festering apples. You choke out a sound of shock, cursing yourself in your head. No, it’s too late– footsteps– he heard you–
You wake up in a sweat, gulping for air. You kick off your covers almost hysterically; you’re suffocating from the heat, you’re sure of it. You clumsily stumble out of bed and crane over the desk to open the window. The air that blasts in is freezing, but it grounds you. You try to take deep breaths, like Jade has told you to before. Slowly, as you lower yourself into the desk chair, you calm down.
What the fuck was that? You haven’t had a nightmare in a while, especially not one so vivid and bizarre. Your subconscious managed to pick all the details perfect for sincerely freaking you out. You run your eyes over your surroundings, trying to remind yourself where you are.
This room is smaller than your previous, with fewer furnishings. There’s only the desk you’re sitting at, the closet, which is a depression in the wall where you keep your bins of clothes (dressers aren’t cheap), the bed which used to be Kanaya’s, and a bedside table. Most of your things sit on the small bedside table or the desk, aside from the few photos you pinned up.
You study them. A few of them are those embarrassing ironic selfies you can’t bring yourself to throw away, some candid shots of birds, but one in particular stands out. It was the one time you saw John and Jade in real life, when you were all about 13. They were on a family trip, and they managed to convince their dad to stop by your neighborhood so you could all meet at the park.
John grins at the camera, you give an awkward smirk, and Jade enthusiastically has her arms wrapped around you two. Their dad had taken three pictures with your polaroid; one for each to keep. You recall his expression of fatherly pride as he looked upon his children. It was foreign, but nice. Your regrettable prepubescent disposition aside, it’s one of your favorite memories.
The artificial drowse of melatonin still drags at your eyelids. Your vision sways. I need to stop taking this shitty supplement , is the last thing you think before passing out again at your desk.