Mere pass trau-maa hai: Toxic mothers and poor parenting in Hindi cinema and OTT content

As much as we idolise mothers and motherhood in India, our narratives have always had mothers who made poor parenting choices or those who were just plain toxic. Whether it was Kaikeyi who demanded a kingdom for her son and had her stepson exiled to a jungle, Gandhari who literally and metaphorically turned a blind eye to her children’s misdeeds or Kunti who abandoned one child in a river and went along with the idea of her daughter-in-law having to sleep with all five of her other sons.

Here are some commonly seen messy mammas who make us grateful for the kind ones, but also offer us respite from the burden of perfection that motherhood brings.

Anil Kapoor and Aruna Irani in Beta. (Express archive photo)

My beta strongest: Bollywood has had a long history of hyper-possessive mothers of sons. These mothers are emotionally dependent on their sons, psychologically manipulative and insecure about the woman they fall in love with and want to marry. Whether it is Aruna Irani as a stereotypical step-mother to Anil Kapoor in Beta, Amrita Singh as Arjun Kapoor’s insufferable mother Kavita Malhotra in Two States, or Yeo Yann Yann as the possessive Chinese mother Sui in Modern Love Stories-Mumbai streaming on Prime Video. Mothers being driven borderline insane by insecurity and possessiveness about their son is the most commonly seen toxic behaviour trait.

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Meddlesome mothers: Constantly interfering in their child’s life because of their firm belief that they know what’s best for their kids is another commonly seen problematic trait amongst mothers on screen. Whether it was Achla Sachdev as Jaya Bhaduri’s domineering mother in Kora Kaagaz, Sunita Kapoor (Ratna Pathak Shah) in Kapoor and Sons, who steals her younger son’s book idea and gives it to her favourite elder son because she decides he has a better chance at success, or Simone Singh as Sneha Patel, Siddhi’s overbearing mother in Four More Shots Please, and Tara Khanna’s mother Vimla in Made in Heaven, who schemes to get her daughters married to rich men are some of the many instances where mothers end up inflicting misery on their children by refusing to let them be in control of their own destiny.

Shah Rukh Khan, Rakhee and Salman Khan in Karan Arjun. (Express archive photo)

Responsibility of revenge: Passing on a legacy of vengeance, anger, and heartbreak was quite a popular toxic trait among mothers in Indian cinema from the 60’s-90’s. Instead of making attempts to overcome a bad breakup, an unfaithful boyfriend, or seeking redressal for the death of a spouse, mothers in cinema turned their life’s unhappiness into their child’s purpose. Kala Patthar, Trishul, Ram-Lakhan, Karan-Arjun, Meri Jung, Baazigar and Soldier are just some examples of films where children quite literally carry forward generational trauma and avenge their weeping mothers. Interestingly it was always the sons who were handed the responsibility of revenge for their mothers, perhaps a result of our larger belief system where a son is responsible for maintaining the family’s name and honour.

Not passive just aggressive: Passive-aggressive parents are so common, it’s a cliche, but then some mothers don’t bother beating around the bush passively at all. Topping the list of aggressive and even violent mothers is Dhankor Baa, played by Supriya Pathak in Goliyon Ki Raas Leela-Ram Leela. The brutality with which she chops off her daughter’s finger when she refuses to obey can chill the blood of even the most unfeeling parent. Radhabai, Bajirao Peshwa’s mother in Bajirao Mastani is so against his romance with a Muslim woman that she even plots to have Mastani and her child killed. Sushmita Sen’s mother in Disney+Hotstar’s Aarya who is one of the masterminds in having her son-in-law killed and Karan Mehra’s mother Devyani in Made in Heaven who brutally beats her son with a cricket bat when she finds out he is gay are just some of the many mothers on screen whose behaviour is both abominable and unpardonable.

Shefali Shah in Dil Dhadakne Do.

Moolah and Maryada obsessed mothers: Always maintaining the appearance of a perfect life and brushing problems and dysfunctionality under the carpet is a classic problematic mom trait. Shefali Shah’s portrayal of Neelam Mehra in Dil Dhadakne Do perfectly captures how insensitive and selfish mothers can be as they struggle to keep up pretences in society. For the longest time, she refuses to empathise with her daughter who is deeply unhappy in her marriage and mollycoddles her son who is the perceived heir to their family business. Susheela played by Himani Shivpuri in Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon is ruthless enough to ask her daughter to dump the man she loves like a hot brick after throwing her at him when she thought he was rich. Status, money and reputation overpower love and understanding in these parent child relationship.

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Sometimes these mean moms on screen realise their mistakes and resolve to do better. But sadly on some occasions they don’t achieve a change of heart or offer an apology for what they damaged or even broke in their child’s psyche. Though as a viewer this means we don’t get the grand reconciliation or resolution we want, perhaps it’s a more accurate representation of reality where some of us cannot mend fences with our parents or caregivers.

But amidst so many glorified portrayals of motherhood it is also refreshing to see real women struggle or outright fail at this supposedly instinctive responsibility. Perhaps healing the broken parts of oneself before bringing an impressionable young mind and heart into the world should be mandatory. This Mother’s Day, let’s admit to our shortcomings and focus more on being the best version of ourselves than deriving our self-worth from our children’s accomplishments. Placing the burden of our ambitions, happiness, and dignity on our child’s shoulders when we can’t carry it on our own, will only propagate the cycles of hurt that need to be proactively stopped.