AOAI is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating.
Seeking Support/Validation
Thank you for taking the time out to read this post. I started to become suspicious that my wife was having an affair with her coworker. I asked her if she was interested in let's call him JA. She told me that she thought he was an attractive guy and that they may have been flirty occasionally but that was it. I knew that was a way of saying yes they were together. She refused to go any further into a possible relationship with JA but my gut told me it was going on. I hired a PI and he uncovered proof of infidelity. She told me that she had had a short fling with JA but only would chat, kissed a few times and would hug on each other occasionally. I told her of the proof that the PI had and she has been adamant about having no memory of sexual contact. She has stated that she must have been drugged by JA. That has been proven to be false. There was several incidents of contact and even with a second coworker. She still claims that she has no memory of sex or sexual contact with either.
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r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.
RULES
1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.
Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
“Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.
Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.
3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.
e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.
Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
5. No anti-reconciliation language.
Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION
The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
Low-effort posts- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
Opinion pieces- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
Meta content- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
Update Me- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces
The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
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Well, not a good start for reconciliation. I'm sorry, my WW trickle truthed and rug swept for years after her affair ended. Still wonder why I stayed. I was weak. Don't be weak because you'll regret it forever.
How does a PI prove sexual contact in a way that is undisputable? Wouldn't that be photos or videos of the act?
If she'll lie in the face of actual proof, what do you think the odds are that she's ever going to be a safe partner, or that she's telling the truth about anything else?
What would you be basing reconciliation on exactly?
I mean obviously she's lying through her teeth, the only real question is, does she actually think she doesn't remember or is it an avoidance tactic? If she believes she really has no memory, that is a mental break that you do not have training or objectivity to deal with.
If she has broken from reality completely, she is a danger to you and herself. Help is needed immediately for her.
Stay safe.
Start to run away from this relationship