Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes gives us a brief summary of how a man-made virus (like COVID19?) led to apes rising by becoming intelligent, while mankind lost the ability to speak and largely retreated from the world, or did they all die off? It’s made to sound like they still exist, but we barely see any.
And if they’re still alive, and since apes don’t have opposable thumbs and know nothing about topiary, mankind could still – at the very least – keep the place tidy with their gardening skills, rather than letting the entire planet turn into the set of The Last Of Us.
Set “many generations later” (reportedly 300 years on), we first see ‘present day’ with apes Noa (Owen Teague – Eileen) and co. out and about stealing bird eggs, intending to hatch them later, although I didn’t quite understand why they didn’t just leave them with their bird mothers, so they could be raised properly. That was never explained.
Along the way, apes fight against the new challenger, Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand – Abigail), who’s just a big shouty ape, but even when he’s surrounded by a ton of the ‘nice’ apes, in one scene, why don’t they just all jump him and overpower him, rather than let him continue to be a twat?
Neanderthal man is seen briefly, making me think the Golgafrinchan B Ark must’ve crashed just around the corner.
However, they do chance upon Mae (Freya Allan – Baghead), a young woman who doesn’t say a great deal for a while, as if she’s the token moody teen. Even William H Macy (Ricky Stanicky) is completely wasted, as Trevathan, a man who’s content to live amongst the apes as long as he understands they’re in charge, because there’s not much alternative.
Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes is like an overlong pilot of a Netflix series, watching 2 to 3 episodes of another 10-part opus, especially given that the filmmakers were more interested in setting up a trilogy, than it is in creating an entertaining experience right now.
I also can’t understand why this film is being made, anyway. While the last trilogy saw an increase in box office for the second film, compared to the first, 2017’s War Of The Planet Of The Apes only took $490m against a $190m budget. To break-even, taking marketing into account, you need to accrue around three times the budget – so, approximately $570m in this case. Hence, the numbers just don’t stack up.
Kingdom.. has a budget of $160m, and has taken $131m worldwide as of May 13th. That’s also taking one IMAX weekend into account, and it will have another this weekend, before Furiosa arrives next weekend.
Overall, Kingdom Of The Rise Of The Dawn Of The War Of The Planet Of The Apes is one long, tedious CGI-fest, with no real story other than Friends Of Caesar = GOOD, and Shouty Outsider = BAD.
Review TL;DR: Apes speak. New ape shouts. A lot. For 145 minutes. Dom bored. Thinks film will flop. Apes together strong. Director and film crew together weak.
There’s also a very brief post-credits moment, as you’ll discover in the video below, if you miss it in the cinema.
And a potential spoiler, but I’ll keep it plot-lite:
Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes is in cinemas now, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD. However, once announced, it will appear on the New DVD Blu-ray 3D and 4K releases UK list.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 145 minutes
Release date: May 17th 2024
Studio: 20th Century Studios
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic Panavision)
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 1/10
Director: Wes Ball
Producers: Wes Ball, Joe Hartwick Jr, Rick Jaffa, Jason Reed, Amanda Silver
Screenplay: Josh Friedman
Music: John Paesano
Cast:
Noa: Owen Teague
Mae: Freya Allan
Proximus Caesar: Kevin Durand
Raka: Peter Macon
Trevathan: William H Macy
Sylva: Eka Darville
Anaya: Travis Jeffery
Koro: Neil Sandilands
Lightning: Ras-Samuel Welda’abzgi
Dar: Sara Wiseman
Oda / Rust: Kaden Hartcher
Honored Elder: Andy McPhee
Maurice: Karin Konoval
Milo: Zay Domo Artist
Korina: Dichen Lachman
Laika: Frances Berry
Jay: Kagga Jayson
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.