Yesterday when I was coming out of Publix, a man was waiting for his ride, I think, in an electric cart and the basket on the front of it was filled with hydrangeas just like those.
"Now that's the kind of flowers to give!" I said. "Ones you can plant."
And a man came walking up to enter the store and said, "How many women do you got?"
I loved it.
And Ms. Jessie brought me those today.
I am struggling with this post. I've written paragraphs about today and how lovely it was and how easy and relaxed and about the food and how the grandchildren play together so sweetly.
And then I deleted that.
And then I deleted that.
Then I wrote about deeper things- what it meant to me to become a mother, how I've always been maternal. What my children mean to me and what their children mean to me. I even wrote some about my mother and how my maternal inclinations played into my relationship with her as she looked at me, not as a child, but as someone who could help with her emotional needs and I tried as hard as I could.
And then I deleted that.
And now here I am, not sure at all what to write because honestly, I don't know how to feel. Or perhaps to be more accurately- I don't know how I do feel. I think that Mother's Day is hard for me as I am sure it is for so many.
It's complicated.
It's complicated.
When I think about being a mother and the daughter to a mother, my thoughts get so radically torn between scenarios but the one thing I know is that I have been so far from perfect in both of those roles.
And perfection isn't even a good word to use because no one is perfect. That's not the standard.
And "doing the best I can" sounds good but who really knows if they have indeed done their best? It seems meaningless to me. I know for sure I could have been better both as a daughter and a mother.
And "doing the best I can" sounds good but who really knows if they have indeed done their best? It seems meaningless to me. I know for sure I could have been better both as a daughter and a mother.
I guess it's all about love in the end, isn't it? Do my children know they are loved? Yes. They do.
But did I make my mother feel loved by me at the end of her life?
No. I didn't.
But did I make my mother feel loved by me at the end of her life?
No. I didn't.
I don't feel especially guilty about that. I feel far more guilty about some of the things I did or did not do when I was raising my children.
But my god I loved them and I love them now and if I have any purpose on this earth, I suppose it was to bring these spirits to life and nurture them as best I could.
It was a lovely, easy Mother's Day today. I highly recommend the Publix platter app. The Costco key lime pie was edible indeed.
The weather was cool and mostly bug-less. There were flowers both plantable and exquisitely lovely in vases, and a bottle of rum and my favorite espresso and cards. There was a jigsaw puzzle. There were cousins, children who are on this earth because I loved their grandfather.
Whose lives are made better even now because their grandfather loves them so very much. And whom I still love.
And yet, it is complicated.
If I prayed, I would pray that my children will always feel as if my love for them never felt complicated because that is the absolute truth. My actions and abilities were often inadequate but my love was true.
If I prayed, I would pray that my children will always feel as if my love for them never felt complicated because that is the absolute truth. My actions and abilities were often inadequate but my love was true.
My love is true.
And I guess that's all I can say tonight.
Love...Ms. Moon
Complicated and true. Life is exactly that. My mother has been gone since before many of my friends were born. My son was working today, it's Sunday. So I visited a sick friend whose son lives hours away, and we had a great time. Three friends grousing happily about the cold weather.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds pretty perfect, actually. I know you understand.
ReplyDeleteIt is just fucking complicated.
ReplyDeleteFucking STUPID complicated. And often painful.
DeleteWe can only do the best we are capable of at the time. Mother's Day - a bit like Christmas - creates such a mix of emotions. I wish both were less commercial. I don't need a day to be reminded that my kids love me nor do they need a day to know I love them. I think little kids being taught to show their appreciation for their mums and thus realise how much these mums love them is very important. But a handmade card and a bunch of flowers should suffice. We don't need yet more guilt because a family can't afford expensive gifts.
ReplyDeleteYou are speaking the truth here, Ms. Merlot. When did this stupid custom start of taking one day a year and dedicating it to mothers or fathers or sisters or whatever? I guess when Hallmark figured out how to make the big bucks.
DeleteI do like your idea about children and a homemade card or something like that. It is appropriate for children to take a day to realize all that their mothers do for them. But of course- not all children have mothers who do good things for them. So that's complicated too.
Sigh.
Beautiful photos and a lovely day by the sounds of it. Mothering guilt only ever applies if you knew AT THE TIME that you could be doing better but CHOSE not to. Looking back years later and thinking "I could have done better/differently" is normal, but guilt shouldn't come into it. At All. You did a fabulous job raising your babies and they are now doing a fabulous job raising their own babies.
ReplyDeleteWithout a doubt I've done things that I knew at the time were not the best things to be doing.
DeleteBut I have to just keep coming back to how much I love them and always have. That will have to do.
Happy Mother's Day, Mary. I can't imagine a more outstanding mother and grandmother than you have been to your children and grandchildren. Your love for them is evident in everything you write, every photo you post and all the energy that pours out of your heart.
ReplyDeleteOh, Elizabeth. YOU are the one. You are the fiercest, most love-filled mother I can imagine. But I do thank you for those words. Very much.
DeleteYour kids very clearly know they’re loved. It’s always complicated!
ReplyDeleteAnd what isn't, right?
DeleteThank you for your honesty here. Being a mother and a grandmother has been my education to this day. Nothing compares to it, not the years of schools and universities, not the experiences gained from travelling and working in far away places, not reading, meditation, therapy, whatever.
ReplyDeleteI have always said that my children were my greatest teachers and obviously, this is true for you as well. And then my grandchildren have taught me even more- mostly about love and also about connection. It's truly amazing, isn't it?
DeleteI just got to check out that video of the Rolling Stones and, my goodness, he RAN fast! I don't know if I could run like that anymore!
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day, Mary. You are a good mother and your children know they are loved and aren't they terrific people!?!
Oh, I DO know I couldn't run like that any more. Mick's like some super athlete, isn't he?
DeleteMy kids are terrific people and honestly, I think they were born that way.
Your Mother's Day gathering sounds pretty perfect to me.
ReplyDeleteIt was sweet.
DeleteI certainly did not make my mother feel loved during the last years of her life but then she did not make me feel loved either. when it was obvious to everyone that she could not continue to live alone in the beach house a cute little duplex apartment across the street from me came up for rent and was very affordable and I would be able to take care of her, not that I was thrilled about the idea but needs must and all that. she refused, telling my sister that she would not even let her car be parked in my, very safe, inner city neighborhood much less herself.
ReplyDeletelike you, my daughter was born a mother...to her brother, to her friends, to her kids, to her kids' friends, to any stray that needed mothering.
my day was quiet, the way I like it.
I think my mother was truly expecting me to take care of her when she wasn't able to do it herself. In my home. The way she'd taken care of her father up until his last few months. Her mother spent years in a nursing home and my mother went and visited her for hours daily after work. And I guess she sort of thought that I'd be like that- far more caring and attentive than I was. She'd always say, "Mary, I hope you don't ever have to take care of me the way I had to take care of my parents," and if that doesn't mean she expected me to do it, I don't know what would.
DeleteI'm sure your children know you've loved them and done your best and from the outside, at least, your family seems pretty darn ideal. You all get along and gather frequently and care so apparently about each other. Many families could only wish for that kind of interaction!
ReplyDeleteI don't have much stress around Mother's Day. Even when my mother was alive she never took it very seriously (in my family we're casual about most holidays) and the expectations were not that intense.
Your mother always sounds so sensible and sort of laid-back to me. In some ways, at least. I admire that attitude about holidays.
DeleteAnd you and your brother get along well so she did something right. Probably a lot right.
My children's love for each other is the thing I am most grateful for in my life.
37paddington: you are a sublime mother, and your children flourish in the light and love your bring, the family you have made, the connection and closeness and joy in your love. I suppose some of us learn to give what we most needed, and you have done that so beautifully. Mother’s Day brings up a lot of feelings, doesn’t it? Yours looked lovely.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good day, sweet lady. Thank you. And I know that you are a wonderful mother. I love the way your babies keep coming back to you, the ones you birthed, the ones you've sheltered and loved. That says so much about you. They adore you.
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