- I had initially planned on changing my name, but decided not to after giving it more thought.
- I still had to contend with family, friends, and strangers' opinions.
- Although I'm self-conscious about it sometimes, I am still happy in my decision.
In some ways, I was the last person people expected to keep her maiden name. I got engaged at 23 and married my college sweetheart in a big church wedding. My husband is the only person I've ever had sex with. I was a stay-at-home mom for years, and I'm in the PTA.
I had originally intended on changing my name and I don't hate tradition. What I hate are tons of paperwork and jumping through hoops. Changing one's name involves a lot of hassle. None of the other women on either side of my family had ever kept their maiden names, and only one of my close friends had. And many of them — including my mother, decades after her nuptials — still face some hassles occasionally.
I wasn't really trying to make some sort of statement by keeping my name; I was sparing myself a logistical headache.
I briefly changed it on Facebook
But I also started to think about the work (research and writing) I've published and the desire to retain a surname attached to that work. And not only did I feel some attachment to those accomplishments, but I was also attached to my family. I remember taking my husband's name on Facebook and being tagged in a photo with my brother. I didn't like how that felt, seeing last names that didn't match. Even more so with my dad; he and I are very close. So I changed my name back to its original, and the short-lived Facebook change was as close as I ever got to being Mrs. James.
If my husband had felt strongly about it, I probably would have made the change. But I talked to him about my decision more than once, and he was fine with it every time I brought it up. But it was surprising how many other people had something to say about it. For example, almost five years after the wedding, multiple voicemails contained tiresome corrections of my "Hello, you've reached Danielle Hayden…" greeting, reminding me that I needed to update it to reflect my new married name.
I don't mind at all when people refer to me as Mrs. James; I just grew weary of encounters where people chastised me about it. To this day, I still sometimes get cards in the mail from family members addressed to Danielle James or even Danielle Hayden James, his last name tacked on right after my own. I'm not bothered by the envelopes the way I was annoyed by the finger-wagging voicemails, but I do wonder why my own name is ignored.
I worry about being judged
My last name is really not a big deal in the big picture. Several other cultures don't even engage in this practice. That doesn't make them any less "in love" or any less of a family unit.
After I had my daughter, though, I did think about stereotypes toward Black women — the default assumption of out-of-wedlock births and single motherhood — that would only be encouraged by me keeping my name.
Every time I sign a permission slip, take my doctor to an appointment, or register her for an extracurricular activity, I feel self-conscious. Sometimes, I'll admit, I do write James to avoid judgment. And once, when we rented a car, an employee didn't believe we were married and, therefore, both were permitted to drive, despite our wedding rings and my insistence. But legally, I will remain Hayden, and I am satisfied with this decision over a decade after I said, "I do."