[VENTING ] Me and my husband have been married for 10 years.We have four kids and while we both Work full time jobs I still do 90% of the work around the house.I take the kids to and from school I take them to From their sports practices and games , I even coach my kid's teams I do the cooking. I do the laundry I do the cleaning. I'm the one paying the bills. It's even the little things that I put the gas in the car's. I take out the trash cans. I do the yard work. My husband's job is physically draining.I do give him that, yes, my husband has had different careers over the past years and I have supported every single one of them and I will continue to support every single thing that he wants in his life.But I do not think the choices you make should be used as excuses for Why you're not doing anything.
And well, we've had this conversation plenty of times He tells me that my expectations are too high for him.And then he always throws out "I should be happy that he's not an alcoholic and that he doesn't beat me." As far as walking red flags go. my husband's not an alcoholic, he's not abusive. He does show up to our kids, sports games and award ceremonies. If he can , he's not emotionally abusive. I could just use help around the house and with the kids. Honestly, I could just use more words of encouragement and support from him. It would be nice to know if he even notices that I do anything or if he's even appreciative towards me
I am not going to thank a grown man for not doing something He shouldn't be doing anyway.
I think my marriage is over. I don't know what to do.
He needs to understand he isn't competing with abusive guys and drunks. He's competing with you being better off single.
What do you get out of this marriage? I can see what he gets, but what do you get? It sounds like you'd be better off without him
I’d definitely be writing a list to compare. On one side list the things that your husband benefits from being married to you. List all the things you do for him - physically and emotionally.
Then do the same for yourself. What benefits you get from him in the marriage?
Then show him the lists and open up the conversation to talk about those differences. I feel men can be told 100+ times about something and still brush it off as nothing. They need to be shown.
If he's willing to hear, he will. If he isn't, then she knows where she stands with him.
They can be told the same thing thousands of times and not know it. If they don’t care to know it. Especially if knowing that thing costs them effort, and they don’t want to do it or don’t care about it. I’m re-posting this because it’s spot on, from a man who learned the lesson too late.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
If he’s anything like my ex husband, it won’t make a difference.
I love this perspective. Thank you. This is exactly the kind of quip I need in my back pocket.
Great you pay the bills and you entertain the children on Saturday and empty the dishwasher, but complete ignore me emotionally and physically and just string me along with the," I'm trying's". i If he performed like that at work, he'd get fired.
When I get a pay increase, I could literally outsource everything he does for us/me, with better efficency (like a bi monthly house cleaner will actually clean the bathroom on their weekend. A babysitter will actually take the children to fun and interesting places and an ambitious new lover might even help finish putting up the shelves AND I'll be able to go on dates and have sex again. Say Less!
Lonely and partnered makes zero sense.
A well paid single woman with a coparent is on the vision board. Some of us are real foolish to marry.
My workload when my ex-husband left went down by half. Half! It still boggles my mind. Two kids, single mom, returning to work full time, and my work load still went down by half. Darndest thing.
Was he such a burden when you got married, or did he wait until you were hooked?
He waited. He was my knight in shining armor, promised and said everything I could have ever wanted, was darn close to perfect for three years, and then after we got married, everything started. Blaming me for his depression, refusing to clean up after himself let alone do any chores, purposely ruining my things so he didn't have to do chores, not caring about my health...it got worse from there.
We'd met at our evangelical Christian college, and I honestly thought he was a Christian and that my job was to submit and be a good trad wife no matter what. Turned out, he lied about everything and cheated on me most of our relationship, leaving me for the last affair partner whom he married and then encouraged to abuse our kids. He never could understand why he lost custody.
My ex, on top of being abusive in every way, made me a single mom while married. I am so much happier since I left him 8 years ago and he is the one lonely now.
My husband made me a single mom too and thinks because he has maybe 3/4 days out the month when he actually participates in parenting and taking our kids out and MAYBE doing the very bare Minimum basic tasks like changing a diaper and clothes WITHOUT my prompts, that he’s got the right to talk down on me and be verbally abusive and now physically abusive and make it my fault for the fights we get in because I’m so angry and burnt out and mad that he literally comes home from Work everyday and sleeps til the next day, and sleeps all weekend helping me with nothing, ignoring our kids and ignoring my requests for help with them, then if he’s decided he’s heard enough of “my bitching” over trying to get him up and constant one sided conversations about how it’s about him Simply doing what he’s supposed To do as a dad, and how it’s not even technically helping me, since it’s shit he should be doing in the first place! It’s to the point where I’ve called him Out on being a neglectful dad and comparing him to these deadbeats because he’s not involved with his kids at all. He’s thee biggest covert narcissist I’ve ever met and heard about because he does his absolute BESTS to paint a different picture of himself to Others and make it seem like I’m the crazy one. I called the cops on him for the first Time this past week after he hit me in the face while holding my daughter !! Breaking my glasses in half as well (and only holding my daughter because I handed her off to him before attempting to get my son) and long story short, after the cops talked to us and figured out a solution for the night in terms of not being around each other, his mom came to get the kids as he was leaving with her too (she’s the only Other help I have with the kids and she’s great with them and they love her) she’s well aware of his neglectful Actions these days but the first thing she says to me is “do you think this could be some form of post partum?” Idk what he told her or the cops and I’m too exhausted to even care because I know what happened, but it’s just like for real?! No, this is from nearly 2 years of neglect towards all of us, Of leaving me to do everything for and with our kids, To not having any support especially his, to crying to him constantly about how I’m not doing good mentally and need a break And how burnt out I am, only to being ignored and forced to watch him sleep on the couch in front of us every single day, while I go through it, during the worst tantrums, when it sounds like a damn circus in the house, he’s sleeping and knowing there’s another person who’s equally responsible of these children and capable of parenting with me but chooses not to because he’s “tired” makes me wanna rip his face off. Don’t worry, I know this marriage is over and I’m actively figuring out an exit plan
Exactly!!!
I personally needed to see this because I’m going through something similar. Thank you.
Very speculative and honestly why does he think he is competing with her being single? Not saying you’re wrong but he may not think that way or see it that way. Generally most answers for people here should consist on learning, reading together and elevating their listening and communicating skills.
He should be happy you're not Lorena Bobbitt.
(For you younger folks, spoiler alert: she cut off her husband's penis)
To be fair, he beat the shit out of her and raped her a lot.
Oh, he had it coming and I don't feel sorry for him one bit. ... But it seemed on par with the OP's comment from her husband. ... if she should be happy he's not abusive... he should be happy he doesn't get his dick cut off.
Exactly!!
Lmaooo the last name His bobbitt bobbed off 🤣
The name has always tickled me!
The bobbit was lobbed off
And for further reading material, Franken-dick had it sewn back on and went on to have a low-budget porn career.
I know Lorena was charged, but was she actually convicted?
She was convicted, and her POS husband didn't get charged with anything even though there were witnesses to the abuse she endured. From what I hear, she is doing well in life, though, so I'm happy to hear that.
There's an awesome documentary on Prime about it
I'll have to check that out. Thank you!
I just read an article about JW Bobbitt. You remember they surgically repaired his penis. Well…he recently (in the last year) had his all of his toes amputated because of a chronic condition acquired at Camp Lejeune, the notorious military base with the chemicals leaking into the water.
I don’t think I’ll EVER forget that woman’s name,
When I was like 7 my sister used to always say she would have put it into the garbage disposal!
Didn't she throw it out, but he was able to get it back? It definitely needed a good shredding.
Wow! You should be glad he's not an alcohol and doesn't abuse you? I'm sorry, is that his definition of a gold standard? Rewarding people for crap they shouldn't be doing in the first place? Honestly, you lost me after that. I would've left his ass one year after he started with that bull crap.
You work and do 90% of everything else. What the hell do you need him for?
Yep. Nice to just do everything the way you want it and never hear from someone else. And frankly, he’s a weight if he’s not carrying his own weight. And those kids are half his so just showing up a few nights a year to events isn’t enough.
This whole “you should be happy” means he knows he’s a lazy ass piece of worthless shit and is making an excuse. What do you need him around him for?
Agree but don’t know if she wants divorce
She should
I’m wondering if he’s in a career field or around a specific group of coworkers where that’s somewhat common. Certain blue collar jobs are known for the type of employees they attract.
Also, is he trapped in a very physical job due to the fact that his paycheck pays 90% of the bills and nothing else will pay him as well?
I’m trying to play devils advocate because something isn’t lining up.
“…something isn’t lining up.”
Some people are just this shitty.
My ex husband is like this. Mother’s Day should have been about me thanking him for making me a mother. Father’s Day was about him being a father. He convinced his second wife to get married on her birthday so she had to celebrate him on her day.
OP’s husband reminded me of him reading this.
He’s in a physical job because he chose it. It’s one of his many career paths that she has supported (based on the post) and continues to support. Seeing as she works full time, I doubt he pays 90% of the bills. Or she’d work less to fit the rest of the unpaid labor she’s doing.
She didn't say he paid 90% of the bills, right? She said they both work full-time, and she does 90% of everything.
I get paid more then him,not drastically more but more . His pay check goes to his own acct my names not on it ..
I’d encourage you to take a very direct and blunt approach to this. Write out a list of things you need from him (pretend you’re talking to a coworker about a project). The list is important to ensure you stay on task and the conversation doesn’t devolve into an argument where each of you starts pointing fingers and nothing actually gets discussed. Sit him down when you have time to actually discuss everything without rushing. Explain your thoughts and stance on your view of the relationship. Negotiate with your husband to where you’re getting what you need without completely overwhelming him. Make sure one of your points is that he starts individual counseling and that it will transition to marriage counseling at a later time. You will need to be able to verify he’s actually attending counseling (or telehealth) without knowing what he is sharing with his therapist. Don’t have him sign you up for the therapist to be able to share details. Give him some agency.
Most importantly, ensure you approach him with kindness and compassion. If you’re aggressive at all he’ll likely be defensive.
Finally, tell him that without him doing what yall discuss there’s no future in the relationship. Spell it out so he understands this isn’t just normal marriage banter but potentially the end. The scary thing is that once you draw a line in the sand you can’t bluff anymore. If he calls your hand you’re gonna have to be ready to leave.
This is what my mom says about my sister’s husband who is a huge piece of shit in many ways lmao. Dipshit mindset.
That’s a good one and there are so many with that mindset
Based on what you’ve written, I feel like “he’s not emotionally abusive,” might be an overstatement.
She may not realize this is emotional abuse.
Yup, “be happy I don’t abuse you and I’m not an alcoholic” that’s some manipulation right there. You’re looking for some actual positive change in the marriage for you and he throws a completely unrealistic standard and says you’re welcome.
How do you approach these moments? I’m constantly having to re evaluate how I express my feelings to my husband, sometimes my approach is to aggressive and doesn’t go over well. I despise having to soften to get my point across but he honestly hears me better.
It sounds like your husband has the provider role down pat but the rest could use some work, coming from a, we’re a team and your teammate is drowning right now might give him a different perspective. I like to believe everyone is teachable, we don’t know what we don’t know.
He's also financially abusive. She pays all the bills, and he deposits his pay into his own account that she doesn't have access to. Grade A misogynist prick, he is.
Did you tell him that he's lucky you're still married to his lazy ass and not taking all his money in child support and alimony? I mean honestly, if you're going to be a single mom anyway, you might as well lose the dead weight. You'll be happier. And with his money you can hire a house cleaner. It's a win-win.
He's set the bar for his behavior at the very bottom with "well as long as I'm not a drunk or an abuser." He has to want to be a better husband than that for things to change, and it doesn't seem like he is going to get there with that mindset.
Truth. She may want a million things, but if he’s not wanting to change and provide them, it’s never ever going to change.
He dug a trench to put the bar down in
Banks should thank me every time I go inside one for not robbing them.
This made me laugh cause it's so TRUE and ridiculous!
My ex husband used to say that all the time as he sat back while I did everything til my health declined and my self esteem was in the toilet. Almost 3 years divorced and now content and in good health while enjoying a peaceful household with my kids.
I hope karma hasn't been kind to him
🏆 why do some people want participation ribbons for doing the absolute barest of minimums?! Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing the yard work. Do all the things for yourself and the kids and let him take care of himself. You both work full time and he expects you to do all this and more but can't be bothered. Although, seems he knows it. Gaslighting you by saying, "at least I'm not abusive and an alocholic." Good job buddy. But look up the definitions. There's more than one type of abuse and saying, "at least I don't beat you" is probably landing pretty comfortably in the emotional abuse category. I'm going through different issues but same core problem it seems. Feel free to message me. My husband is now out of the house and I can tell you details that may relate to how you feel and things you don't even realize categorize under abuse. Not sure if you're up for talking about things but I would love to shed some light you may not see. My heart goes out to you and your babies op.❤️
Yea tell him neglect is still abuse and he is neglecting his duties forcing you to do it all. So he is in fact taking advantage of you
A spouse RARELY exceeds the bar where you set it. A few do.
His definition of being a good husband is that he is not as horrible as an alcoholic? Not abusive? So, he is saying he is good enough for YOU, as is. He works, occasionally shows up for his kids and doesn’t beat you. So, basically: shut up, it could be worse.
If all you wanted was a partner for money and sperm, you got that. He’s not offering anything else.
You can love yourself better by yourself.
You married badly. It’s a fixable mistake.
I mean, I’m happy my wife isn’t Belle Gunness, so there’s that I guess….
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belle_Gunness
And THIS is who ACDC was singing about!!??
If he thought your expectations were too high why did he get married? He should already know to help you with these things, and respect is basic, he should be doing more
“…and I will continue to support every single thing that he wants in his life”
Why
Jesus Christ, his default is he doesn’t abuse you and isn’t an alcoholic. Ffs, the bar doesn’t get much damn lower than that. What do you get out of this marriage besides a grown child to take care of? You want your kids to be in this kind of marriage? Your relationship sounds extremely one sided and you have one hell of a selfish spouse. I’m too old to deal with lazy people who drain me, so I’d be out. I’d rather be lonely while alone, than lonely, burnt out, unappreciated and over worked with someone
Whelp time to stop doing anything of his. Let him cook his own meals, wash his own clothes and guess we are all living in filth now because that comment would see me just stop cleaning all together.
I’m currently doing this and he fails to see why. In fact just today he complained to my father that I don’t clean anything.. while failing to realize I’m taking care of my things while he’s piling his dirty dishes in the sink.
If that's what his bar is....
He's not the most handsome or well endowed and you don't or haven't cheated, so a trophy to you too.
You need to stop
His meals
His appointments
His share of bills- a joint account with equal deposits
His washing/ ironing
His places and spaces.
Kids can do their share
You do yours And he either picks up the slack or pays for outsourcing.
What are you modelling for your kids?
Tell him, don't ask
Joint account for bills
Wants washing/ ironing done, you'll give a detailed map to the laundry with pics of detergents and how they are used.
Here's a vac, it sucks, you'll like it
Here's a broom.
This room is the kitchen
This is the living room.
And so on.
Stop doing all the stuff and see what he thinks. Then he’ll realize what you do, if he doesn’t change or notice…well that’s up to you.
I have an abusive alcoholic husband... He's in recovery and he's been sober for over a year, but we've been together for 8. I've put up with all manner of evil from this man.
But let me tell you this... He cleans, helps cook, pays his share of the bills, fixes things around the house, etc.
So... I don't really know my point... I'm not telling you to go find an abusive alcoholic. But I am saying that abusive alcoholics still seem to know how to fulfil their end of domestic duties. 😂😂😂
And he should be glad you're just asking for a little help not his equal share.
And if it comes to it...divorce and not revenge.
Don't let that talking toilet tank tell you nothing. He's a burden.
You should be happy I’m not being racist and sexist in this comment.
See how silly that is? Basic decency doesn’t get points. It’s below bare minimum.
Maybe he should take a look at his dad privilege and stfu . https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist
He’s quick on his way to having a partner with Walk Away Wife Syndrome
Being a single mom is MILES better than putting up with his crap.
So you got a 24/7 job, and a husband who try’s to manipulate you into believing that just because he isn’t a drunk and beat you he is a good husband .
You need to put your foot down and mean it, or leave.
Yeah....him telling you that you should be thankful that he doesn't physically abuse you is in fact emotional abuse....
You are basically a married single person... just divorce him and let him figure out what he's doing with the children when he has them for visitation.....
Updateme
“Yep you don’t abuse me. If that’s the bar, I guess you should be grateful you get sex sometimes?! I chose to marry someone who wasnt an abusive asshole. Is that all you want to claim to be? Not abusive? Or do you actually want to be a good spouse? Someone has to do the shit. Why do you feel it should just be me? I also work full time dude.”
Based on his reply you can hit him with: well with 50/50 I guess you won’t have a slice anymore and I’ll finally get a break.”
My husband Is an alcoholic and still does better than that 😛. He has it very well controlled or I wouldn't still be with him, but he also contributes to the household workload or I wouldn't still be with him. He understood a long time ago that he's not in competition with abusive pieces of shit; he's at competition with my peace. We can have a peaceful life together, or I can go create my own peace alone. His choice. I am not doing 90% of the work for both of us when we both work full time jobs.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Or giving him an ultimatum? Or suggesting you do some sort of trial separation?
He says he doesn't believe in counseling. And? Once we got to a really bad part.He said he's willing to try it.And when we were looking for therapist, he refuses to see a female therapist cause he thinks she's gonna be biased, which is understandable. But he didn't think any of the male therapist would be on his side either
Please try marriage counseling.
For the record, he's wrong and totally out it touch with reasonable expectations. He needs a thorough reality check.