Work Text:
I stifled a yawn as I reclined against the couch, flipping through the channels to try and find something to watch. Nothing was catching my interest and I was about to give up when I heard of whoosh of air behind me. Curious, I turned, finding a man standing near the kitchen table.
“Who the fuck -“
He held up his hand to cut me off. “I am angel. I have come to inform you that you’re doing god’s work.” He stepped closer, holding out a piece of paper. “We demand that you cease doing so at once.”
I blinked dumbly at the letter, able to make out the words cease and desist written across the top. My gaze slid to him, taking in his appearance. Black hair was swept across his forehead, hanging over his dark brown eyes that were narrowed in annoyance. The outfit he wore was pure white, pressed and wrinkle-free.
I blinked again, slowly standing up off the couch. “How the hell did you get into my house?”
He quirked a brow. “Did you miss the part about being an angel?”
I scoffed at this, folding my arms over my chest. “Yeah, sure, and I’m Satan’s bride.”
“If you were, I’d have to kill you.” His tone darkened as he took a menacing step forward. He was only a few inches taller than me yet his aura was more than intimidating enough to make up for that.
I swallowed nervously, taking a step backward. “H-Hey, I was just joking, calm down! You can’t just waltz into someone’s house and claim to be a magical creature! That’s not cool, man!”
The man sighed, holding out his hand as it started to glow a bright white. My eyes widened in shock as a blade materialized out of the light, landing against his palm. He swung it through the air, a strip of light shooting forward and slicing the sofa in half. He then looked at me smugly, clearly waiting for me to fall at his feet or something stupid like that.
“Bro, that couch was expensive! What the hell?” I yelled at him, eyes narrowed as I stomped toward him, my fear now replaced by annoyance. “Do I look rich to you, huh? Do I look like I have the money to afford a new damn couch?” I jabbed him in the chest repeatedly, his eyes widening in shock.
The shoe was on the other foot now. He was slowly backing away from me while I moved closer.
“I don’t give a damn who you are, you are paying for my couch!”
“I have never met such a rude human,” he huffed, holding out his hand. The blade disappeared and he waved his hand, the couch beginning to glow the same white color. It was as if time was rewinding itself, the couch sliding back together as if nothing had happened. “There. Are you happy now?”
I blinked dumbly, glancing between him and the couch before cautiously approaching it. It looked as good as new. I slowly lowered myself onto it, half expecting it to break again, but nothing happened. “Well, shit.”
He cleared his throat, holding out the letter again. “Now, as I was saying -“
“You’re really an angel, huh?”
His eye twitched in annoyance. “We’ve already established that. Now, as I was -“
“Are angels allowed to break into people’s houses?” I hummed thoughtfully, bringing my hand to my chin. “I mean, angels are supposed to be, like, the embodiment of good, right? Breaking into someone’s house is illegal aka not good.”
“Angels do not follow human laws,” he hissed between clenched teeth. “Now, as I -“
“And why the hell would an angel give out cease and desist letters? That’s weird as -“
“Will you be quiet?!” he snapped angrily, eyes glowing white as his power flared. “You are absolutely insufferable, do you know that?”
I looked at him wearily as I slowly slid toward the other end of the couch, far away from where he stood. “So I’ve been told…”
He took a few deep breaths, pinching the bridge of his nose. When he looked at me again, his eyes were back to normal though they remained narrowed. “If you speak out of turn again, it will be more than just your couch that I destroy. Do you understand?”
I clicked my tongue in annoyance but nodded. “Fine.”
“Good.” The angel settled down in the armchair, sitting up straight as he crossed one leg over the other. “My name is Kazuma and I have been sent to serve you a cease and desist letter.”
My lips parted to inform him that he’d already said that twice but his sharp glare made me rethink my choice.
“The higher-ups have recently learned of your activities and, while we do appreciate your attempt to assist in god’s work, it is not your place to do so. Not only is it dangerous but it opens up your soul to a corruption we simply cannot heal once you die. If you wish to make it into heaven, you will cease your demon-hunting activities at once.”
I stared at him blankly.
He stared back for a few minutes before his eye twitched again. “Well? Do you have nothing to say?”
“You told me not to speak.”
“Out of turn,” he stressed.
“You didn’t ask me anything, bro.”
“My lord and savior please grant me strength,” he muttered under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose again. “Do you understand the words I’ve just told you?”
“Yes.”
“Good, we’re making progress.” Kazuma set the paper on the coffee table, placing a pen on top of it. “Sign the cease and desist letter and I’ll be on my way.”
“I’m not signing that.”
“You said you understood.”
“I do, but I’m not signing it. You’ve got the wrong person.”
“Do you truly believe lying to me is a wise decision?” He slowly rose from his chair, eyes narrowed once again.
“You know, for an angel, you get pissy pretty easily,” I commented, folding my arms over my chest as I relaxed against the couch. “Do you guys, like, not have therapists or something?”
“We do not need therapists.”
“I mean, you clearly do because you have a bit of a rage issue. Just look at you, that vein on your forehead is about to pop!”
“Have you stopped to consider,” he exhaled sharply. “That perhaps you are enough to drive someone to the deepest depths of anger?”
I scratched my cheek in thought. “Nah, that doesn’t sound like me.”
“Sign. It.” He growled, pointing at the letter.
“I refuse. I told you, it ain’t me.”
“You can’t worm your way out of this, Andrea Lopez.”
I snorted, quickly dissolving into a fit of laughter.
“What is so funny? Do you think this is a game? You have committed serious crimes! I can have you arrested, you know.”
I struggled to calm myself, clutching my stomach. “If you do, you – ahaha – you’re gonna be real embarrassed.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t have time for your games. Just sign it!”
I wiped the tears from my eyes, slowly standing up and grabbing the paper. His shoulders relaxed, no doubt believing that I was about to sign it, but they tensed up again when I pressed it against his chest. “That would be forgery.”
“What?”
“My name isn’t Andrea Lopez. She lives next door.”
A blank expression came upon his face as he stared at me, unblinking.
“I’ve never hunted a demon. Never even seen one. I’m also an atheist so I wouldn’t do god’s work even if I had met a demon. If I’m being honest here, I’d probably befriend them, instead. I bet they don’t have tempers quite as bad as yours.”
The color drained from his face as he started to realize his mistake.
“Man, it would suck if anyone found out about this, huh? You’d be the laughingstock of the angel world.” I shook my head, heading into the kitchen to grab a soda from the fridge. “Hell, you might even be demoted! Humans aren’t supposed to know about demons and angels, right? That’s a pretty big secret to drop on someone.”
The vein on his temple was beginning to throb again, his hands slowly crumbling the paper between them.
I took a large gulp of the soda before grinning. “Even worse, imagine if Andrea happened to hear about this and just happened to tell every demon she came across. That’s a gotta be a real kick in the angel wings for you, huh?”
“I hate humans,” he hissed, hands glowing. The paper crumbled into dust, falling to the ground. Kazuma’s eyes snapped to my own, beginning to glow as he took slow, menacing steps toward me. “I told Zin I didn’t want to be assigned to this position, but did he listen? No, of course not! Zin is all-knowing! Zin knows best! ‘The humans will be easy to deal with,’ he said. ‘It’ll be good for you,’ he said.”
I gulped nervously, backing away from him. My eyes widened when wings made of white energy sprouted from his back, destroying the light that hung from the ceiling. It sent sparks flying over him but he didn’t even flinch.
“‘The humans need our protection,’ he said. ‘You can learn from them,’ he said! Learn from you? What could I possibly learn from you? How to act like a demon in a mortal form?”
“Uh, Kazu, buddy? Don’t you think you should, I don’t know, calm down a bit?” My eyes watched as his power extended from him like strikes of lightning, destroying anything unlucky enough to be hit by them. “I know this really good therapist. Her license may be expired but she’s still seeing patients! At half the price! It’s a steal, really.”
“I.” A large step forward. “Am.” Another step. “Going to.” My back hit the wall but he didn’t stop. “Kill you!”
I squeaked when he rushed at me, the bottle falling from my hand and spilling across the wooden floor. I ducked under his arm, glancing over my shoulder to see a giant hole in the wall where I had been only a few seconds before. This bastard is actually trying to kill me!
My heart raced in my chest as I darted out the front door, nearly running right into my neighbor. She was standing in front of my house, aiming a shotgun directly at me. She motioned for me to move out of the way which I did without question. “Oi, is that even gonna work?”
Kazuma appeared in the doorway and she didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. To my surprise, the angel went flying backward in an explosion of light.
Andrea’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. He was an angel?!”
“Did you not know that?”
“No! I thought he was a demon!”
“So, you just shoot people without confirming that they’re demons?! No wonder heaven is after you!”
“Heaven is after me?!”
“I’m going to kill both of you!” Kazuma roared angrily, pulling himself from the wreckage of my living room.
“Well, they definitely will be now!”
She gave me a panicked look. “What do I do?”
“You’re the demon hunter, how the hell should I know?!”
Kazuma appeared in the doorway again, the electricity coming off his body at faster intervals.
“We should run -”
Jokes on her, I already started running!
“Hey, wait for me!”
“You don’t have to be the fastest person!” I called back with a grin. “You just have to be faster than the slow -!” My foot caught on a piece of cement that was sticking up out of the ground and I fell face-first against the sidewalk. “Motherfu -“
“Ha! Loser!” Andrea giggled like a schoolgirl as she ran past me, sticking her tongue out only to run face-first into a light pole.
“That’s karma.”
“Shut up!”
Despite being closer to me, Kazuma went straight for her, grabbing the back of her shirt before she could get away again. A piece of paper was shoved into her face, his teeth clenched as he practically growled out, “Sign. It. Now.”
She sent me a look before shakingly taking the paper and pen from him. Her hand trembled as she signed it but he didn’t seem to care. Before she even finished the last letter, he was ripping it away from her and tossing her to the ground.
His wings extended to their full length and he bent his knees, kicking off the ground. He shot into the sky like a rocket, the flap of his wings nearly flipping me over from how powerful it was.
We sat in silence for several moments, our brains trying to process what had just happened.
I sent her a look. “You didn’t even read what it was. You coulda sold your soul, ya know.”
“Impossible,” she huffed, leaning back against the car parked on the side of the road. “I sold it when I was fifteen to a demon.”
“Yeah, you probably shouldn’t admit that. He might come back,” I told her and she winced. I gave it some thought before asking, “Hey, if you make a deal, can you ask for anything?”
“Within reason. You can’t bring anyone back to life or anything.”
“Sweet.” I pulled myself to my feet, shaking my head when I felt the world spin around me. I rubbed the blood from my nose, wiping it on my shorts as I slowly made my way down the street.
“Oi, where are you going?”
“I have a deal to make!”
“A deal for what?”
I paused, grinning at her over my shoulder. “Some nachos.”
Andrea just stared at me blankly as I walked away.