Will Cork's Bambie win? Our guide to all the Eurovision Final songs
The hosts are seeking victory tonight to edge ahead of Ireland on a record eight wins. Relax, our record is safe for another year, even though this will get a rapturous reception in front of the home crowd as it opens the show.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
Here’s a quirky one. A song about two saints - Mother Theresa and the Virgin Mary - featuring Christian iconography. It’s far from a hymn, mind, rather a rap and pop mash-up with tongue-twisting lyrics. Weird, but Ukraine will get plenty of votes.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
The great powerhouse of Europe has a woeful Eurovision record, and likeable Isaac - who looks more like a carpenter than a pop star - is unlikely to add to its measly two wins. A song you might like, but voters won’t.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
A smooth, sophisticated ditty, classy with a catchy chorus. Bonus point too for being bilingual. Luxembourg, an original Eurovision act in 1956, won five times up to 1993, and this is their first performance since.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
I love this, the daftest song of the night. It’s a total earworm that could, in an alternate universe, become the anthem of the European Union some day... if the parliament ever loses its marbles.
My score: 4 out of 5
Your score:
The second favourite to win with bookies - expect a major boycott in 2025 if the Eurovision Song Contest is held in Jerusalem and the war is still ongoing.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
At times like this, I wonder if we have anything in common with Europe at all. A banging beat is all that is going on here, a good ad for aspirin. Otherwise instantly forgettable.
My score: 1 out of 5
Your score:
Best intro of the night but, alas, it meanders. There are some eye-popping dance moves from two sado-masochistic-looking guys who popped in on their way to the nearest sex dungeon. Which, in Sweden, will be just around the corner.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
A collaborative trip by a hip-hop group and a folk group, a band of merry men who own the stage. It’s daft, hokey, there’s hilarious dancing ... I like it, but it will never win. That longest song title in Eurovision history translates as ‘We (really) don’t know anything about (these) drugs’.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
I still can’t believe a Late Late Show audience selected it - but I’m glad they did. Macroom singer Bambie has a real chance of a top ten with this slice of “ouija pop”.
My score: 4 out of 5
Your score:
An earnest ballad that had Dons in tears in Thursday’s semi. An extra point for it being co-written by Mayo-born, Meath-based Liam Geddes, although this is 375-1 with bookies!
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
A messy concoction of trad, booming Europop, and Greek rap. So many languages and styles, you’ll get dizzy.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
When the UK nominated the Years & Years singer and It’s A Sin actor, I figured they were onto a winner. But, damn, they forgot about the song.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
Norway have had more last places than anyone, this could keep up that unenviable record. All style, no substance. Even that nice Marty Whelan said it was “all over the shop”.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
A jaunty number from the Italians, who ooze ‘sexy’ the way the Irish ooze ‘sound out’. Angelina sings so fast, it leaves you feeling hectored; I like it, though it won’t win. Fun fact: The title translates as ‘The Boredom’.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
Ballads in native languages can be hard to warm to at Eurovision, and this left me stone cold. The song’s writers describe it as a “magical lullaby”. Now it makes sense...
My score: 1 out of 5
Your score:
Never mind where’s me jumper, where’s me bloody undies?! This is very funny, as a guy lepps across the stage seemingly naked from the waist down (he is wearing a cup á la that Cameo guy on Word Up).
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
How this got through Tuesday’s semi-final when the likes of Moldova, Iceland, and Australia crashed and burned, is a mystery. An awful dirge. Worst song of the night? Yes.
My score: 1 out of 5
Your score:
Wow, this is very... musical. There’s a trumpet, a flute, even a set of drums on stage here instead of lots of lights and mirages. A fine cultural trad effort this, jaunty and fun.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
The youngest competitor, just 17, and Silia pulls off an amiable enough number. It lacks a bit of oomph for me, to make it really stand out, but my eight-year-old daughter likes it, so what do I know?
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
At first listen, you can see why this is a strong favourite, as it combines operatic vocals and rap, and jigs along at a fine pace.
My score: 4 out of 5
Your score:
Anguished, impassioned vocals? Check. Writhing dancers? Check. So far, so Eurovision, There is a soaring, technically impressive, linguistically gymnastic vocal in here, but what on earth is it all about?
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
If this doesn’t grab you by the goujons from the word go, you are dead inside. Is Europe looking for some fun and distraction from the ills of the world? Then here is the panacea. Its fun, it’s silly, it’s catchy, it’s about an emigrant leaving his family (and cat) behind. My winner - is it yours?
My score: 5 out of 5
Your score:
Poor Georgia have waited even longer than us to reach a final, but this is a hot mess - an onslaught of the senses, with the obligatory pyrotechnic display, given the title.
My score: 1 out of 5
Your score:
A tortured love ballad, sung in Slimane’s native tongue - it will be a cold day in Toulon when the French deign to sing an entry in English. “I love you,” warbles Slimane, “I don’t know why.” No wonder she left him.
My score: 2 out of 5
Your score:
A beat-bopping extravaganza of a track, and it’s got a catchy chorus that hooks you too. A decent show-stopper to end the night. “We ram-dee-dum-dum-da, we will rave,” sings Kaleen. Quite.
My score: 3 out of 5
Your score:
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