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For starters, I really need advice from other girls/women. When I explain my dilemma to other people so many of them chalk my situation up to teen girls being catty, shallow, and mean but really it’s much more complex than that.
I’m 16 and I tried out for the cheer team in the summer of eighth grade. I had always liked to dance but told I wasn’t good at it. Growing up I was involved in STEM and I guess I thought I had to fit into a nerd role, so I often rejected anything feminine. However I began to embrace my feminine side in middle school. When I thought to tryout for the cheer team my mom told me I was “just not the cheerleading type”. I thought, why not? And decided to go for it despite having no previous experience.
I immediately felt like a fish out of water and was god awful but I somehow I landed a spot on the JV team with one of my childhood friends. I didn’t feel like I fit in during my first year and wouldn’t open up to other girls. The best part was cheering and I loved learning new halftime dances. I worked hard to improve and get better.
The summer of freshman year I tried out again. My childhood friend got on varsity and I got on JV and became the captain. I stepped into my leadership role and I honestly feel like I created a welcoming environment for new girls and there want really any problems between JV girls. However, I noticed my childhood friend looking down upon me and other girls on JV. She would jokingly call me JV scum for weeks after teams were announced despite knowing how badly I wanted to be on varsity. This was nothing compared to when she saw a video of a JV flyer getting injured. In this video the flyer fell from a stunt and hit her head on her box. She sent this video to a guy we were friends to make fun of the flyer. Longer story shorter I confronted her and she apologized to me and explained she just made a joke in bad taste. But immediately afterwards she messaged the guy and said “Hey, when I send you a funny video of JV failing, don’t tell the JV captain”. I decided to just continue being friends with her but soon realized every conversation we have is her talking badly about other people of cheer and I no longer get any joy from our conversations.
In addition, throughout this year the head coach has told me I was ready to move to varsity. She made several empty promises to move me up throughout the year if but never did and it became extremely frustrating. I would be expected to fill in when varsity girls were unavailable but never really got a spot on the team. But my wonderful JV coach kept me going by always being supportive and understanding to anything I told her. This year it was thought that she would become head coach since the old head coached retired. But it was just announced that she did not get the position. The position is instead been given to a coach none of us know who is UCA certified (basically is more prestigious). Because she won’t be head coach I have lost any hope for our team becoming more accepting and less drama filled.
I am without any real friends or support on this team but I feel like I’ve worked too hard already to quit before making it on varsity. And being captain I felt I made the cheer team better and more welcoming. Countless rumors have been spread about what will happen with this new coach and there is already drama before tryouts even started. I love cheering but is it really worth it?
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If there's no immediate financial commitment upfront, you can also always try out and see how it goes. If you aren't feeling the vibe still, you can just quit a few weeks in. I know that sounds scary, but it will take less than a month for people to fully forget the mild inconvenience caused by you leaving.
When I was in high school, I did marching band and I also was not a fan of some aspects of the culture, especially the drama with student leadership and coaches. I found a lot more peace once I was able to fully separate myself from the stuff I hated and just have a good time without being stressed by or even aware of any drama or politics. Basically, I went with the "cool upperclassman who doesn't give a shit" vibe haha.
In regards to drama: remember to ask yourself if you're concerned about something because it actually matters to you, or if you're just stressed because it seems like everyone else is. It sounds like you really enjoy cheer, so I hope you can find a way to enjoy it despite the toxic parts. If not, you are so young, it is not too late to find something new! There are a hundred dope as shit sports and arts and hobbies you can still get into, and I bet plenty of them have a much more relaxed vibe than your current cheer team.
i’m really sorry that you’re experiencing the mean girl part of high school right now 😭 the cheerleader complex is a very real thing. my advice is to be polite and cordial, but don’t continue to let this girl be your friend if she keeps being shady. and btw, in 5 years she’s going to look back and feel sooooo embarrassed cause literally being a high school bully is so cringey.
i think that you should stay if you love cheering and it’s adding more joy and positivity to your life than stress and anxiety. also, i think that if it’s impacting your ability to learn in school then maybe it’ll be good to take a break. the oldest sister in me is screaming focus on your academics first and cheer second! i will say though that you most likely won’t get a chance to cheer again after high school, so take that into consideration as well. maybe you could take a break junior year and tryout again senior year if you miss it?
p.s. i also made jv 2 years in a row and i was so humiliated the 2nd year. i get that feeling, but i promise it makes not even a single tiny drop of difference when you graduate. a cheerleader is a cheerleader.
If you enjoy cheerleading you should continue to do it and make an effort to befriend the girls on your team. It sounds like you’re a great leader and have good work ethic which has landed you your spot as captain but I sense you haven’t made an effort to befriend the other girls bc you feel like an outsider/ have imposter syndrome
Separately, being adaptable to change is a really important skill to learn and it will suite you well throughout your entire life as change is natural and a lot of people aren’t great at managing their emotions and reactions to change (change is scary). I’ve had coaches, bosses, friends come and go in life and although it’s sad to see them go, it also presents new opportunities. Where the old varsity coach was pulling you around a bit, you have a fresh start with this new coach and the chance to make a great impression. New leadership/coaches look to see who’s onboard vs against them. If you show up with a great attitude, they’ll immediately like you.
Lastly, consider that someone or multiple people at your school interviewed this new coach and thought they would work well with the team and it’s personalities. There’s a good chance that you’ll like this new coach and have similar values in terms of no drama and inclusion.
I went through something similar and it felt incredibly isolating and although the JV girls were nice and looked up to me, I wasn’t their grade level and they all had classes together so I was on the outer edges of their group. But then my friends were on varsity and would always talk about things that happened during their practice and I felt I didn’t belong there either. And I felt like I was trying so hard to be more included into both groups! But it didn’t work. I ended up pushing through until the end of the year and made varsity the next year and it was better.
Your friend sounds like she is going through some weird transition that seems more about her changing than you personally. While that doesn’t help, it could help you determine how you want to approach her. If you are upset by her remarks about the JV team, is it because you are thinking she is making fun of you personally? Is it because it’s just generally rude? Are these remarks something that you could tolerate when you do make varsity with her? Is the drama worth the it to be in cheer?
If you enjoy the dancing the best, is there a dance team you like? Theater is also fun! I did cheer and look back and wish I had not been “too cool” for theater.
If it’s personal then that’s not a friend and whether you remain in cheer or not, it may be best to drift apart. Everyone brings value to a team in one way or another and like another poster said, she WILL look back and cringe at her behavior. And if she doesn’t… well some people don’t grow out of high school and everyone else will have outgrown her. Wishing you the absolute best.
UPDATE: I tried out for the team and the new has no tolerance for entitlement or laziness. I made varsity and my childhood friend made JV. And the flyer she was making fun of also made varsity. It’s tough for my childhood friend since pretty much everyone from varsity the previous year made the team with the new coach. And I know how awful it is when all your friends are on a different team. I wish her well and hope her experience on jv is as rewarding as mine was. I hope she never has to be looked down upon like I was and I’ll make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.
What if you try a different team instead of the one at your school? Also she’s mean - dump her lol.
Yes what you described sounds exactly like what I’m going through. When it comes to the drama it really just depends on the day. When I’m already tired I just simply don’t have the patience for it. Sometimes I will catch myself feeding into it. I think that shocked me more than anything. I definitely didn’t do that before and tried to remain civil but when in groups I’m also part of the problem. I’m trying to remind myself that even if I’m frustrated or upset with other people on the team I should just keep it to myself. I think some people secretly like the drama. I just hope I don’t become one of those people.
The nice thing is I’m also involved in other activities at my school. I’m involved in theatre but only for the play so I don’t really dance in that. I sorta had this realization that I felt far more accepted in the other activities then in cheer. But I still need exercise and I can imagine joining a different sport at my school.
As for my friend, I have known her for a long time. I think at this point we are just friends out of habit. I truly believe she is a good person at heart but what I realized is that she is ok lying to me or saying things about me behind my back. When she lied and said she was sorry when she wasn’t it made me realize it sorta ruined the trust I have for her. I feel pressure to agree with her when she talks badly about other people and that’s completely my fault. But I question whether or not our relationship makes me a better person.