Unhappily ever after?

I wish that I was enough for him to want to do better, to be the person he said he could be. I wish he could have followed through on all the things he was going to do but never could manage to complete. I wish my heart wasn't in a million pieces trying to figure out if it is me that's too much or if it's him that can't give more. I wish I could be stronger in my resolve, confident in my reasons and comforted that things will get better instead of weeping in my bed feeling more alone than ever.

I wanted a partner, a lover, a best friend, a father for our children. I wanted someone whom I could lean on, who wanted to build something together and I hoped and prayed that it would happen at some point during our relationship. I tried to temper my emotions, I know I have my issues and to remember we are equals yet I always felt like I was the parent, the one taking on the responsibilities of providing emotional security and support to the kids, cleaning of the house, upkeep of the yard, buying of the things. He usually defers to me which in ways I admit feel good but also feel enormously heavy and burdensome. I want to be taken care of, I want to feel that our life, our kids, our home could be handled and I could sit back and enjoy it sometimes too.

Here we are 14 years later, I am full of resentment and grieving what never will be. I told him two weeks ago I wanted divorce which was 5 months after I had a breakdown telling him how unhappy I was and had been for years. The lack of taking initiative, of following through on the mundane things like putting up shelves as well as incredibly important things like the adoption of my oldest. The continued promises of trying to do better, to help out more, to give him another chance, he can do it., I can't leave him. The two weeks to a month when there is an improvement then inevitably back to same old same old...for over a decade. I didn't understand, couldn't understand why he couldn't show up in the ways I needed him to, asked him repeatedly to, and barring some medical condition have come to conclusion that he can't or won't.

We have also been sleeping separately for over 12 years. He snores and when he drinks which is more often than I would have liked it to have been, he smells. That ruins the intimacy factor seeing your husband cross eyed wasted and reeking of a day old frat party. There has been zero physical contact and I mean no hugs, no hand holding, no making out for the past 8 years. We're essentially roommates who have two kids living with us and most times I feel like a mom of three and it sucks. Yes he works, and he does help out with the kids, he is there when needed. I don't think I have seen him hug either of the kids or tell them he loves them or engages in non essential spontaneous activities on any regular basis while I am the one providing the kisses, the hugs, the I love you's, the train rider, the concert goer, the bike rider, the ocean wave jumper, the hammock sitter playing guessing games, the clothes shopper, etc... It's a heavy lift, a really fucking heavy lift to be the one doing that for over a decade. He never really tried to connect with my oldest even though he's been the only dad they've ever known and out of all of this, this is the most devastating to me. He treats them different not entirely on purpose but it still hurts to see.

So why does it all hurt so fucking much? Why am I losing sleep and he seems fine? Why is he ok and emotionless while I am one tear away from drowning? Why do I feel like if I go through with this, that I am walking away from something that was as good as it was ever going to get for me and I will be alone and lonely and heartbroken forever. I finally got the courage to talk to him today since he hasn't said a word about it and asked him how he felt, how he wanted to proceed as we're occupying the same physical space; he said he'd stay out of my way and communicate as little or as much as I wanted to and not to worry that if I was being nice to him he wouldn't take that to mean that things were going to work out.

If you got this far, thank you, I needed to get it out to make room in my head. If you have words or pearls of wisdom I will take anything at this point blunt the pain.