Abigail

"Fuck this fucking fuckshit and fuck you fucks. Fuck! Fuck it's locked, I'm fucked and this fucking vampire will fucking rip my fucking head off." I strongly suspect that the dialogue in the horror film Abigail was written as part of a bet. I bet you can't cram 2000 'fucks' into a script and have it produced and published by Hollywood! Bet taken. Lets fucking go you fucking fuck! Abigail was born.

Anyone who has seen the trailer knows pretty much exactly what this film is about and what will happen, right up to the very end. A bunch of failed thieves are commissioned by a rich mogul to kidnap a ten-year-old girl, the daughter of a feared gangster boss, and transport her to a mansion in the countryside where they will then guard the child for 24 hours. Easy-peasy! Unfortunately, it turns out that the little girl is one of the world's oldest and most violent vampires, and just as the thieves let their guard down, take off their tight leather jackets and start gulping down free booze, it's time for Abigail to reveal her true nature. "Fuck this fucking vampire shit! I'm gonna fucking die in this fucking locked down fucking mansion by a fucking kid ballerina fucking vampire. This is so fucking fucked up it's fucking insane!"

I like director duo Olpin-Gilette's underrated gorefest Ready or Not. It's a fun, fast-paced, unhinged B-movie gem drenched in blood and twisted family relationships. However, I don't like their clumsy attempt to revive Scream (they directed parts five and six) and I really don't like Abigail. The basic idea of a bunch of ruthless second-hand thieves getting a taste of their own medicine in the form of a flesh-eating vampire kid dressed in a ten-year-old's ballet uniform. It could have been dark, funny, bloody, and freaky in the same way as Ready or Not, but a bit worse. But it isn't. The characters are so paper-thin in their stereotypical personalities that it quickly becomes both predictable and, above all, silly. The acting is woeful and the thrill of being chased through the corridors of a rich and elegant mansion house is completely missing. For the most part this is just painfully bad, and boring.

The only thing that actually works in this flaccid, lazy, stupid film is the amount of blood that is shot out of the bodies being torn apart towards the end. It's like a fountain of blood on offer and in grim contrast to the rather bloodless-depressing opening hour, we're talking 200 litres of dark red blood here that paint the walls like nothing else, and completely drenches the actors in it by the end. It's here, for a brief, brief moment, that Abigail is as funny as she should have been from frame one. But as it is, it's mostly just about untapped potential and 2,000 interjected 'fucks'.