A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole. See our ~~*Best Of*~~ "Most Controversial" at /r/AITAFiltered!
My (28f) cousin (30m) has wedding out of town next month, 3hr drive from our city. They've booked the rooms for all guests in a 5 star hotel for 1night, and 2 nights for families (us).
Earlier this year, my dad (63m) asked his mom (85f) if she'd join our car to get there. My sister wasn't gonna come so we have rooms for grandma + her private sitter + wheelchair. Grandma said no, said his car seat doesn't feel nice for her back (she'd had multiple surgeries for her spine, collapsed discs), so she'd prefer to go with my uncle's (56m) car whose son is the one getting married. My uncle has 4 cars, 1 SUV, 2MPVs, and 1 BMW sedan. My grandma only feels comfortable in one of his MPVs.
Last month, my sister(30f) who lives overseas asked if there's room for her to attend the wedding. We asked my uncle and he said yes, no worries, so my sister decides to come to the wedding. Last Sunday, grandma suddenly said she'll join our car to get there. My dad said his car is full since my sister will come along. It can't fit 5 passengers + 3 suitcases + wheelchair. The seat at the back needs to be folded if we're gonna bring her wheelchair and all our suitcases. He asked what's wrong with my uncle's car, and she said my uncle told her she couldn't come with him cause all his cars are already full. He told her to ask my aunt (62f) or my dad. My aunt also told her she can't ride with her cause she and my cousin (31f) will tag along my cousin's (37m) car (cousin + his wife + his 2 children + aunt + cousin(f)). She told her to go with my dad.
Atp, grandma was tearing up, she felt like a burden to her kids. I told my dad we could rent a car + driver for a day and divide the passengers. But this still means she's subjected to 3hr drive in discomfort, or even back pain, cause our car and rented car within our budget is nowhere as nice as my uncle's MPV. I told my mom we'll put grandma in rental car since my mom also gets car sick if the car smells of car perfume (which will be the case with all rental cars here). I'll accompany her, so my mom, dad, and sister can ride tgthr in my dad's car. This is the best solution we have now. My mom said I'm being disrespectful here for not considering my grandma's old age. She said my grandma should ride with dad, and she's the one who'll be in rental car cause rental driver might not care much about driving for comfort for old people. She said she'll be fine, she'll just have motion sickness pills.
I can't care much abt my grandma cause she didn't even ASK if my mom would be okay not sitting in front seat. When my dad said she'd sit in middle row, my grandma immediately sniped "why am I in middle row? [Mom's name] will be in middle row right? I'll be at the front". So yeah, I'm sorry for not caring much about her comfort when she hasn't ever thought abt my mom's needs; especially when her choice now is between uncomfortable A and uncomfortable B. Am I being rude and the A-hole here?
Sort by:
Top
Open comment sort options
Best
Top
New
Controversial
Old
Q&A
Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Is there a reason why someone from one of the MPVs couldn’t switch with her?
It sounds like the whole group sucks as they can’t find a way to get the 88yr old to the wedding without hurting her.
THIS
85, I wrote the title wrong.
Not that I know of. It's also why my mom's been complaining how selfish my uncle and aunt are as always. 1 MPV is used for uncle's wife's family, 1 MPV used by their daughter and Son-in-law's family, 1 SUV used by uncle + wife + wife's relatives + groom. All of them are healthy, no wheelchair bound. They don't use the sedan cause we'll be passing through quite steep incline since the resort/hotel is in the mountain.
My aunt and cousin could technically rent a car and accompany grandma, but as we can see, they'd rather squeeze themselves in my cousin's SUV when he already has 2 toddlers to accomodate for a 3hr drive. Pretty sure his wife hates the idea of a crowded car with 2 toddlers but doesn't say anything either cause "respect your elders" bs.
Anyone who brings grandma needs to accomodate for her + her private sitter + wheelchair. Which was their argument when my dad confronted them about this problem. For them it's too much space and hassle.
YTA
Grandma refused the offers she had, and now has no transportation. SHe is an AH to manipulate and guilt people over that.
the uncle is fine. Grandma had your offer, and refused it because it was not good enough for her - now she is facing the consequences of that.
I misread the title as "putting my 88 yo grandma in rental car for a final destination wedding" and thought yeah you're TA. For a final destination wedding you should be renting a limo! Jk
Seriously NTA but your uncle sure is and so is granny. If she's so specific in her travel needs she needs to provide (i.e. pay to rent an appropriate vehicle) or not go. Any reason she can't attend by zoom? Part of having a destination wedding is knowing not everyone will be able to attend, most commonly for medical and childcare reasons. Your uncle for not saving her a place. I'd be annoying the fuck out of that asshole.
OMG I laughed way too hard on your comment.... 😂
WHY would you think the uncle is an AH?
Grandma had offers, and refused them. Now everybody made other plans, and she is left without transportation.
"Your uncle for not saving her a place. " .. there is NO indication grandma actually asked the uncle.
OP's dad asked her other son and he agreed she'd ride with him. Then HE changed his mind and kicked her out after OP's dad's car was filled.
Omg 😂😂 now that would be something else wouldn't it lmao
YTA, kind of. My advice? Stay out of it, keep your mouth shut, and let your dad deal with his mother.
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My (28f) cousin (30m) has wedding out of town next month, 3hr drive from our city. They've booked the rooms for all guests in a 5 star hotel for 1night, and 2 nights for families (us).
Earlier this year, my dad (63m) asked his mom (88f) if she'd join our car to get there. My sister wasn't gonna come so we have rooms for grandma + her private sitter + wheelchair. Grandma said no, said his car seat doesn't feel nice for her back (she'd had multiple surgeries for her spine, collapsed discs), so she'd prefer to go with my uncle's (56m) car whose son is the one getting married. My uncle has 4 cars, 1 SUV, 2MPVs, and 1 BMW sedan. My grandma only feels comfortable in one of his MPVs.
Last month, my sister(30f) who lives overseas asked if there's room for her to attend the wedding. We asked my uncle and he said yes, no worries, so my sister decides to come to the wedding. Last Sunday, grandma suddenly said she'll join our car to get there. My dad said his car is full since my sister will come along. It can't fit 5 passengers + 3 suitcases + wheelchair. The seat at the back needs to be folded if we're gonna bring her wheelchair and all our suitcases. He asked what's wrong with my uncle's car, and she said my uncle told her she couldn't come with him cause all his cars are already full. He told her to ask my aunt (62f) or my dad. My aunt also told her she can't ride with her cause she and my cousin (31f) will tag along my cousin's (37m) car (cousin + his wife + his 2 children + aunt + cousin(f)). She told her to go with my dad.
Atp, grandma was tearing up, she felt like a burden to her kids. I told my dad we could rent a car + driver for a day and divide the passengers. But this still means she's subjected to 3hr drive in discomfort, or even back pain, cause our car and rented car within our budget is nowhere as nice as my uncle's MPV. I told my mom we'll put grandma in rental car since my mom also gets car sick if the car smells of car perfume (which will be the case with all rental cars here). I'll accompany her, so my mom, dad, and sister can ride tgthr in my dad's car. This is the best solution we have now. My mom said I'm being disrespectful here for not considering my grandma's old age. She said my grandma should ride with dad, and she's the one who'll be in rental car cause rental driver might not care much about driving for comfort for old people. She said she'll be fine, she'll just have motion sickness pills.
I can't care much abt my grandma cause she didn't even ASK if my mom would be okay not sitting in front seat. When my dad said she'd sit in middle row, my grandma immediately sniped "why am I in middle row? [Mom's name] will be in middle row right? I'll be at the front". So yeah, I'm sorry for not caring much about her comfort when she hasn't ever thought abt my mom's needs; especially when her choice now is between uncomfortable A and uncomfortable B. Am I being rude and the A-hole here?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA
You offered your grandma a seat in your ride right away she declined. She stated her reasons why she'd rather be in one of your uncles cars and given her age her reasons are somewhat logic I think. So far so good all OK.
But from there I really don't get it. Did grandma forget to ask uncle and now makes excuses as she asked last minute and uncle told her his car is full already? Or did uncle change plans last minute and didn't care if grandma has a ride or not? Either way something is off for me here it sounds weird at best to me.
So you offered her an alternative and this despite the fact grandma sounds very entitled and even a bit hostile towards her daughter in law who is your mom. Sooo no you didn't do anything wrong.
Plus your grandma has obviously three kids so I don't see this is your task and your responsibility to look after grandma. And if kids are so reluctant or negligent towards their parents (for whatever reason and I could think of a few here) why should you be the one to feel guilty now. You offered grandma a ride right from the start. Plus you have cousins and she's their grandma just as much as yours.
Don't beat yourself up over this you did everything right. Your grandma sounds like a piece of work and something tells me there's more to it that her kids are not overly happy to have her in their cars.
PS: I'm with the other commentor here who asks why can't someone of uncles car switch places with grandma and either goes with you or your dad? Because if grandma only feels comfortble in uncles car this sounds as the most reasonable thing to do.
I'm not sure about this either. All I knew early on was that she wasn't gonna ride with us and all of sudden she is. Either one is possible. Grandma has always ride my uncle's car when there's family event in restaurants. So I think she assumed she'll ride his car again this time without confirming with him. Or she could've already asked, my uncle had said yes but didn't confirm with his wife, and now his wife wants to use the cars for her relatives so she doesn't have to rent them cars and my uncle has to say no to my grandma. She said my uncle told her it'll be a hectic day too so he wasn't sure he could accomodate my grandma well (nice way to say she's bothersome).
I've replied their comment. But yeah we didn't think of that cause we don't really know uncle's wife's relatives well. Plus my grandma needs at least 3 people's space (her + her personal sitter + wheelchair). I guess we could squeeze in 4 people in our middle row and suitcases all put at the back, but damn that's a tough 3hr ride lol
If grandma didn't ask uncle as she's typically on his ride and sort of assumed she'll go with your uncle I'd say this is still on uncle and grandma. Maybe on your dad and your aunt for not straightening this out earlier and asking uncle if grandma can be in his car.
Hey this lady is 88. At that age you can be a bit forgetful right? So her typically being with uncles ride should've been him talking to his mom and telling her that this time she can't be in his car. And maybe uncle should've called your dad or aunt to see how grandma gets to wedding.
But then again I just know from own experience why you would rather avoid such a talk. My mom is about same age as your grandma and talking to my siblings is just so very complicated every single time...
But either way you're not to blame here. You tried your best to organize for a ride for grandma. Now you're even giving her a ride. She's cranky about how this went (which I understand even) but don't take this too hard and more importantly don't take this to heart.
Why would it be on uncle, when grandma did not ask him and he KNEW grandma had an offer to take her from OP'S family? That's bullshit.
Well there are such things like habitualness I'd say. Plus grandma is just very old. At that age kids typically point things out to their elders or take over certain tasks. People that age are typically bit pampered by their close relatives such as their kids. Especially when they have restrictions and need a wheel chair.
OP didn't say that uncle was aware she offered to take grandma. You assumed uncle was aware. I assumed he was not.
Either way if I were uncle and typically my mom rode with me I explicitly told her this is not possible this time and contacted my siblings so to avoid this exact situation.
With older folks it's a bit like with small kids they need a bit more pampering at times.
"why can't someone of uncles car switch places with grandma and either goes with you or your dad? Because if grandma only feels comfortble in uncles car t"
this is ridiculous.
Why is this exactly ridiculous?
Grandma has health issues and if it's hard on her it would not be ridiculous to make the trip as comfy as somehow possible. I mean assuming you actually love or at least like grandma and assuming relatives are on good enough terms.
Would I take my aunt or sister in law or sibling in my car so my mom could be comfy in their car? Totally. Would my kids or husband go another car with uncle or cousin or sister in-law/brother in-law so mom/MIL could be comfy? Totally. That's what you do in families. And I'm not even from a happy family.
But yeah such things strongly depend on the relationships within this family of course.
If you're like "I don't care if this old nasty bag has back pain all the way to [put in destination] she deserves this" then OK. Same when you're like "I can't stand AH cousin for more than 5 minutes no way I'll survive a long travel together in a car".
But again I assumed we're talking about a family with good enough relationships. And if that was the case people do such things for their loved ones to cater to the special needs of an elderly and handicaped person. It was a suggestion that OP could think of. If OP says that's not possible it's also OK.
YOu are assuming a lot.
These situation usually reflect the relationships.
And: Grandma HAD an offer, she just did not wish to take it.
Instead of alweays putting the onus on the uncle, OP can do it for once - even WITHOUT complaining.
Uhm yeah. That's what I said. And yeah so are you. What's the issue with this. If nobody assumed anything on Reddit it wouldn't be fun? You really missed that?
If you say so. You seem to be an expert on that field...
Yes? Did I say anything else? Nobody questioned this. The question was did uncle know about this or not. Not whether grandma had an offer and turned it down. Read once again you'll see your mistake yourself.
So uncle needn't do this although grandma is his mom and OP must do it for once? So who is assuming things here now? Once? Who did say OP didn't do things for granny besides this story? You? Because you know OP? Because you're the uncle? That would make sense a lot actually.
Wow dude chill. I mean the more important thing here is why exactly are you so overly invested in an AITA post like this? Seriously that is not normal and it is definitely not healthy. You should get off Reddit if you snap at a meaningless comment like this.
You're being way too emotional.
NTA
Why would this be YOUR problem? You offered, your grandma refused. Now there is no more space.
Let grandma hire a car and a driver. YOU and your parents do not need to make this YOUR issue. YOu are just being doormats.