This is my *only* way to communicate with you

Dear you,

You're starting to seriously wear me out (I can pretty much bet I'm the first woman that's ever told you that without you even touching me). Normally, I'd be resistant to this but I'm embracing it, because it means that there's progress, resolution, growth ... at least something that's forward-moving is happening. It's not dead or stagnant.

You were on my mind this morning, courtesy of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You". No, it's not the requested song from you, but the universe did use it to bring my attention onto you. Somehow, in some way, you are able to actually listen to me and really understand me. Maybe that was what I was truly looking for in my request. Who knows? Though, I was glad to know that you are listening to me. I can't see how you are doing so, and maybe that's not meant for me to understand right now. But thank you for listening and hearing me out.

But I can also tell that there are lingering questions from the past that you had been quietly asking yourself. So, now, I'll actually enlighten you and tell you.

Yes, I'm still regretful (for lack of a better word) over my confessing to you my feelings for you when you had presented me that opportunity back in February 2021. No, I don't regret what I said and how I said it. I regret the timing. And I regret the timing because I was certainly not prepared for what was to come afterwards. I had no problem telling you because, at least to me, it was more of a last chance to get everything unsaid out of the way so that you and I could move forward without our own separate lives without looking back at each other and wonder, "What if ... ?" Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, that's what ended up happening anyway. And now I got Rascal Flatts in my head.

Anyway ...

It's obviously now, three years later, that you and I were not in agreement. I was looking at something as the end, the grand finale, the final chapter, closure. You, on the other hand, was looking at beginning. You saw what could be, might be, should be, and may be from what I had told you. But because you knew where I stood, you kept your actual feelings and intentions clearly hidden from me and you scrubbed your emotions with a simple, "Thank you for telling me." Once again, you and I were not in agreement. I interpreted that to mean, "Thank you for telling me ... so now I can simply forget this conversation ever happened and you'll be able to successfully get over me once I leave." In reality, you never said anything to that effect. You never told me that I'd get over you and move on. You never told me that you had every intention of moving on from me. But you also never told me your real purpose behind even wanting me to tell you how I felt about you and why it was necessary for you to know. More than anything, that's likely what's bugging me so much about your silence since then.

That makes me want to ask you other questions. Why was it so necessary for you to know? Why would that matter to you? What was the whole entire point? It's now that I'm starting to get an answer: there is a reason. I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't even bother wasting your time with wanting to know if you really had no reason to know.

So, maybe that whole conversation wasn't a mistake, after all.

The other thing was that my thinking at the time, that your chapter in my life was closing out, did influence the seemingly cold and detached manner in which I had sent you off. No, it wasn't what you were hoping for, and you were hurt about it, but you could not figure out what was behind my behavior. Honestly, I didn't want to be vulnerable with you because that would mean that the feelings I had for you were substantial and not just some passing little crush that would fade (it's been going on strong for almost five years now, whether I'd like to admit it or not). And if they were real and actually meant something, then that would mean that you and I would have to have a very serious talk. But considering how fucked up everything was, the timing could not have been worse. I took that to mean that perhaps you and I were never meant to really talk and go down that road. What I'm starting to understand now is that our remaining conversations were NOT what you had wanted ... at all. You were not angry, but more like upset, hurt, and even a little disappointed. You had a completely different version in your mind that you were hoping for, but never got. This is where I would pour out to you my many apologies, but you'd understand that there were a lot of things going on at the time beyond both of our control that influenced me.

Thankfully, now, the universe is starting to push me to where I can proactively correct and fix where I had gone wrong with you back then. The main thing for me to understand was that what happened back in Feb 2021 was not the ending, but it was more of a beginning. No, nothing has truly started to manifest between us yet. But something is there, and I can take that next step to prepare myself for what could, may, or even will happen between us in the future. All it takes is just that first step.

I'll say this before, and I'll say it again. Even if you were a mistake, you're my lifetime favorite.

~ Me