Can you still feel my love 5 years without you?

When I was 20 years you walked into my life. You worked hard and played hard at 26. You loved to race the street stock division at many different tracks. I can still hear that race car coming down them country roads. You loved to ride atv, snowmobile, and motorcycle. How you loved it all so much. Our first date was at Pizza Hut. That became one of our favorite places throughout the years. You were the first man I truly loved. We shared so many amazing memories from dating to getting married to having our son. I remember how you use to talk to my belly when I was pregnant. You always called him critters until we found out what we were having and then you still called him critters 😊. I remember your face when he moved his foot across my stomach and you felt it and saw it for the first time how amazed you were. After 26 hours of intense labor with no medication and an emergency c section where I was completely put under our son arrived. I was a little jealous you got to see him before me. The smile on your face said it all. I could see how much you loved him already. I still remember the photo you had me take of you and our son standing by my room number. 327 if you know you know. He was a hardcore chevy man. I remember coming home from the hospital and you had hired someone to clean the apartment because you knew I needed it rest. How sweet you were. We were so happy. When our son was 5 weeks old we found out he needed to have surgery. He had pyloric stenosis. It was extremely hard for me. He was transferred to a bigger hospital. I was there alone during the days and you would drive there at night after work. One night my mother in law came up and said you guys go get something to eat. That was the first time I left our son. I was in the car eating a late supper from a drive thru with my husband. I was completely exhausted stressed out ready to cry and then the song hero came on by Enrique Iglesias. My husband started to sing that song to me. He had an amazing voice. He said he would take away my pain and be my hero. At that moment I knew no matter what we went through I would love that man forever and I did. We spent 18 years together of course we had some trying times like most relationships do but our love we had for each other was so strong it couldn’t be broken. Fast forward my husband started to get bad bloody noses. I started to get worried about him. They were getting harder to stop. Then his chest on the right side. As we were sitting on our bed I told him husband you need to go in. I always called him husband. I will never forget his words. I don’t want to go in and find out I’m dying. He hated going to the doctor because his real dad passed away in his 30s. I convinced him to go into the er by reassuring him that if you go in and find out something is wrong they can usually treat it if caught early. We were thinking maybe blood pressure issues or possibly something with his heart a clot something like that. So he took himself into the er. He didn’t have me go either because I had to take some family members to appts that day. As I was driving I got a call and it was a number I didn’t know which I usually don’t answer but I did. It was a nurse from the hospital. She asked me if I was driving I said yes she told me to pull over and I knew whatever it was it was going to be bad. I could feel myself panic. My mom my son and my brother were all with me at the time. I’m so thankful they were. She told me he had a lot of tests done and that he had cancer. I said how bad is it and she said I can’t really say much over the phone but is aggressive. I canceled everything and we went up there. How could this be. I wander to this day if sub consciously he knew when he made that comment before going in. After I got to the hospital I called all his family members. Different doctors had come in and they ended up admitting him to the hospital. The next day they did procedures to see what kind of cancer he specifically had. He got released after 2 days and we got referred to oncology. We got the phone call the doctor himself called us with the results again I was driving and he asked me to pull over. Stage 4 small cell lung carcinoma I heard it but yet I didn’t. He said aggressive and no cure. We were completely devastated. We had our first appt with oncology where again we were told there was no cure and that he would have weeks to 2 months without treatment and 9-12 months with aggressive treatment. My husband decided to do treatment and pray for a miracle. The treatment was hard 9 hour days they were so long but we did it together as a family. We took our son out of school and he online schooling so he could be part of the process. After my husband diagnosis I took time off of work to be his main caregiver and he tried to work but he couldn’t. My husband had so many friends and they had a benefit for him and let me tell you it was huge. They raised the amount of money he made in a year in one day I couldn’t believe it. My husband was a man who helped many without asking for anything in return and when needed help the most they came through for our family. After my husband started treatment he developed pneumonia then diabetes and finally kidney stones. It was a very trying time for our family. As his main caregiver I felt overwhelmed a lot of times. My husband ended up getting the stomach virus so badly he was hospitalized. Yes he couldn’t take staying home 24/7 he was very social. What do you do. I had to let him go. He ended up being transferred to as bigger hospital and at the time I was back to work and couldn’t do the 2 hour drive there and 2 hour drive back. I got to the local hospital 30 minutes away to him with our son before they transferred him. See I worked in the town I lived as a caregiver for my job so if my husband needed me I could get to him and our son was there. I would call my husband several times a day and the doctors would talk to me on the phone. I was planning to go there on the weekend but the last conversation I had with my husband and doctor they said there was nothing they could do anymore. So my husband decided to come home. He asked me to make his favorite meal. Homemade sloppy joes not from a can fried potatoes baked beans and homemade from scratch hot milk cake with whipped topping and blueberries. My brother and his brother went to go pick him up and I had his meal waiting for him. He ate it when he got home. After that his appetite really went down hill. I told my work place I needed time off from work to care for my husband which they gave me. We called hospice they came and showed me everything I needed to do. We made a post for family and friends to come see him. So I opened our home up and people came at all different times even after 10pm. Eventually my husband stopped eating stopped going to the bathroom completely no he didn’t have accidents he wasn’t producing anything. Then he couldn’t get out of bed and began sleeping. He developed a rash all over his body from his organ’s shutting down. He also developed a fever. Myself and our son would take cool cloths to his body to help comfort him. I had an Apple Watch and I put in on my husband’s wrist and took ekg on it so I would have his heartbeat forever. I was so exhausted from staying up and caring for him. I didn’t want him to pass in the night. I could barely function anymore. His breathing changed his blood pressure dropped. I gave him his last doses of medication like morphine etc and at 7:58pm he opened his eyes for the very last time as he was passing a single tear fell from his left eye. He went surrounded by his family. Our son cried and held his dad for an hour. I had called hospice so they came but they let our son grief. Which I am forever grateful for. My husband lived 10 months from his diagnosis. He was only 44 when he passed our son was 16 and I was 38. We shared 18 years together and I know that is more than some people get with their loved ones but it wasn’t long enough for us. My heart breaks for all of you who have listed your loved ones especially without any notice. I couldn’t imagine loosing my husband unexpectedly. I had so many emotions I went through. I was angry mad hurt sad and numb. I was exhausted. I had support but a lot of times I didn’t want it because I couldn’t feel at the time. I was completely broken. I loved that man with all of my heart. It has been 5 years now and I have not moved on at 43. I have not had any desire to find another partner. I still love my husband very much. In fact I hope he can feel my love I have for him at this very moment. I have recently decided that if fate decides to bring someone into my life I will be open to sharing my heart with someone again. I know this is a long post and if you’ve read it thank you for allowing me to share my life my grief and the love I still have for my husband. I want you to all know as a fellow widow I see you and I feel your pain and I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

Side note: my husband drew this heart for me many years ago and after he passed I took the ekg I had taken and blended it with this photo. This is his heartbeat a couple days before he passed.