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Hello all. First time poster, long time reader here. As the title suggests , my boyfriend and I recently had a conversation that surprised me after hearing his response. For some more clarifying Info, he and I have been dating for 6 months but have been friends for 5 years. We are currently long distance with plans to move in (his country) after I have finished my second degree. His relationship with his mother is good and as healthy as can be , they see each other once a week (live in the same city) while also communicating well. My relationship with my mother is emotionally and mentally abusive with horrible communication, and I do live in her home. We clash horribly in every way imaginable.
Now, onto the topic of todays post:
Bf and I were watching a documentary about sharks together on Skype (I have shark autism lol) when one of the scientists made a comment thanking his mother..then his wife. This being a big moment of celebration and accomplishment for the man, it’s more than understanding to want to praise and thank those he loves.
I rather quickly made a sour expression , knowing it was visible to my boyfriend. Soon after, I spoke.
‘Oh no ew…I hate that. Why would he say thanks to his mother over his wife first?’
While having a tone of attitude/annoyance and laughing with a bit of a scoff. Bf’s response was..lackluster and not what I expected from the man I know so well. His response?
‘I mean I dont know..’
I very quickly responded to him in a degree shock, truly not knowing my boyfriend felt differently than I on this. Or at least his response had lead me to believe that much.
‘What do you mean? why would he choose his mother over his wife-..the moth-..his wife should be-…there’s only so long your mommy is supposed to be your number one. At a certain point it’s your job to be there for your person first’
My response was not something he seemed to like but he didn’t really verbally respond to it, rather I got annoyed and silent. This was easily witnessed by my Bf who mumbled a quick asking of if I was upset. I affirmed that I was in fact upset because we felt differently about Someone choosing their mother over their spouse. Only after me Making this statement did he make an emotional response to the effect of..
‘Well when you say it like that..’
This just happened only an hour ago as I’m typing this post, but I can’t at all shake this just..weird bad feeling I get from all this. So no, he didn’t Norman bates me on this one technically..he didn’t say anything to the effect of what he would do/say. But I just needed to put this somewhere and get opinions so…people of Reddit, what do I say? I do feel like I would communicate my feelings on his reaction after I’ve collected myself on this more. I would just prefer to get some advice so I don’t approach this in a hurtful way to him or our relationship.
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You are the red flag 🚩 here. You expressed your feelings, he refrained from arguing, you then proceeded to try to goad him into an argument, and now you’re mad. You sound like you have some kind of anger issue. He’s allowed to feel what he feels. And all of this is over a dumb documentary.
I’m trying to understand on what grounds are you mad? Like, you are the aggressor in this situation.
And what is there to “approach”? He didn’t do anything.
For fuck sake.. maybe people would thank their mothers first because without them they literally would not be alive? Sure, not all people have great relationships with their parents but still,they are a very important part of someone's life.
Sounds like an immature thing to be pissed off about
Not only that but having a parent support your passions is amazingly lucky. Selecting a spouse who does the same is different because it is easy to not date someone who doesn't support you.
Thanking their mother first not their wife, isn't the red flag you think it is in this context. Not even close to someone being a 'mommys boy'.
It sounds like you are projecting how you feel about your relationship with your mother on to him. The order in which the person in the documentary gave credit has nothing to do with how much the man loved each person. They are different kind of love. Also, just because he understood why he said it in that order it doesn’t mean your bf thinks that the mother is more important than the wife. His lack of response was probably because he’s never thought about who he would put first, you don’t really have to. You can be a good son and a good husband. They are different important relationships. The order doesn’t change anything and I feel like you started and argument/ got annoyed about something that held little importance. That being said your feelings are valid. I wonder if it has something to do with how you feel about your relationship with your mother. Not trying to be rude at all, just honest.
This sounds like a pretty inane thing to pick a fight about in my opinion. As another commenter mentioned, is there a chance you may be projecting feelings about your own mother, or perhaps mothers of past partners, onto your boyfriend? Parent relationships can be complicated, but for those fortunate enough they can be just as important to a person as a romantic relationship.
You’re framing this situation as the person choosing one loved one over another, but I don’t really think that’s the case when both are being acknowledged. I doubt the wife was offended because the mother was mentioned first (the order could’ve been determined by something as insignificant as who he’s known longer, or could be completely random and based on whatever popped into his head at that moment). No one was being slighted in this situation. You interpreted this pretty arbitrary thing as a personal attack. I think this warrants some introspection about why your reaction to this particular thing was so intense.
It sounds like your boyfriend went about the situation in a pretty healthy way: he saw that you felt strongly about this topic, realized he disagreed, and decided not to engage and drop the issue rather than get into an argument. I think you owe him an apology. It’s okay to disagree with your partner on things like this, but it should breed healthy discussion rather than creating a huge fight. Best of luck, I hope you’re able to get past your differences.
Seriously? This guy thanked both his mom and his wife and you think he prioritizes his mom over his wife? Who cares about what order he mentioned them? It doesn't matter what order he placed them when giving his thanks. The fact that you made this a big deal in your own relationship makes you look unhinged.
Grow up. You’re too young to be making life plans and frankly this is petty. Date, have fun, focus on your education and THEN see where you are 5-6 years from now.