Leaving a sociopath is no ordinary break up.
It’s an escape from terror, abuse and harm.
We’re not in denial. – We’re scared out of our minds.
After this break up, going for coffee, or each other’s weddings five years down the road is not an option. Being friends with a sociopath is not a possibility. If we’re trying to be friends we don’t understand what a sociopath is or we’re still under the sociopath’s spell. This means: we’re in for more harm.
Sociopaths are not friends with anyone. Sociopaths do not love. The terror we go through trying to leave them, whether it’s to end a faux-lationship of five months or fifty years, is nothing like an ordinary break up. – Faux means “fake” in French.
There Will Be Doubts
We’ll second guess the break up. Doubt will come in waves – our human, trusting, loving hearts try to rationalize the insanity of what happened. Don’t doubt it even with confusion spinning our minds. – The crazy happened. It was all lies. A sociopath’s “normal” is lying – they do not love.
There will also be fear – possibly terror. There are steps to take to protect ourselves when leaving a sociopath. If we call, email, text, see them or hook up we’re in danger. Leaving this nut-job will be one of the hardest things we ever do. But we can do it! Understanding how they think is key.
Doubt and fear mix in a hollow, heavy pit in our stomach. As normal, loving humans, we grope for something to make sense. It won’t – until we think of it all – the whole “relationship” – the way a sociopath does.
Fortunately, sociopaths are easy to spot once we know the signs.
Understand why we believe the lies of a sociopath. They lie – always. Always. Even about things they don’t need to lie about. They tell the truth on rare occasions. At those times we feel we’re on a gigantic Tilt-o-Whirl. Hold onto that one phrase uttered by the sociopath that is so unusual we can’t comprehend it. The one liner that makes us reel, things like: “You only think you love me.” Or, “If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.” – Those strange things they say, are who they really are.
Push the clouds aside and look for that snippet of what feels right. Base everything we do, every decision we make while escaping on what’s best for our lives, our safety and well being. Lean towards that clarity, keep breathing, trust our guts and break away safely.
Leaving a Sociopath – 5 Break Up Musts
1) As soon as the door shuts, have our door locks rekeyed. Rekeying costs less than changing out the hardware door knobs and all.
Find a locksmith online or in the good old Yellow Pages and get them over to our place as soon as the scammer is out. We’ll feel a whole lot better.
Do not let him or her back to pick anything up. Ever. Nothing. Never. Throw it out – put it on the street – whatever it is. If he or she walked out the door with any of our things – it’s best to let them go, especially if it’s only a CD or a sweater.
If we discover major items missing – jewelry, audio equipment, money – maybe we make a police report. – And then there’s possibly immigration and marriage fraud or violence. Carefully consider what, how, why and when to report – or not. – Reporting doesn’t always help and then some reports are mandatory for our protection – like notifying USCIS about green card marriage fraud.
There’s a balance between walking through fire to save ourselves
and walking through fire for no greater purpose.
Find your balance.
Go No Contact and Non-Threat
2) Go no contact. Make it impossible for them to reach us. Do not reach out to them. All contact with a sociopath must stop. There’s great risk in staying connected to the sociopath behind the mask. We must block the sociopath, we must not contact them. If they do reach us, we cannot respond. There are profound reasons for this. – In divorce have our attorney handle all communications. – We do not. Doing so could hurt our divorce case. – Contact destroys our abuse claims in court.
No contact is not a casual suggestion. No contact saves our future.
Change our phone numbers. Maybe get a new phone. Block them in our phones, email, and all social media. Block everyone we know who knows them. – Use the “block” functions. Sociopaths usually try hard to stay connected. It’s so common it’s got a name: Hoovering, like the vacuum cleaner brand.
We must not respond if they get through to us.
They do try to make contact except in rare cases.
Change our Internet IP’s and Passwords
Delete all computers or devices from our internet user history. – If AT&T is our internet provider, go to our AT&T account online to see which laptops or devices used our internet service. Delete IP addresses of computers that aren’t ours – Then change our password.
If the sociopath is tech savvy change the IP address our internet is routed through. Call the internet provider and ask them to do this. – It’s all easier than it sounds.
Save every email, text, voice mail from them – they could end up as evidence in court.
Reconnect With People Who Love Us
3) Be near people who love us. Stay clear of people who say: I told you so. I never liked him. This’s no time to be judged or questioned. This’s a time to be listened to, time to cry and tell it. Talk it out. Tell it over and over. Tell our story until we’re done.
Good, genuine people who truly care will be easy to identify.
Best not to save things that reminds us of him or her. Clear and cleanse. – Consider moving. Consider a new bed. Paint the walls – paint the furniture, rearrange it – anything we can refresh – do it.
Find People Who Know What We’re Going Through
4) Find support with people who know. Not everyone will understand – or be able to handle what we’re going through. Only someone who’s been conned can understand.
Find people who are optimistic and non judgemental.
We don’t need to be labeled with a condition. We don’t need to be told we have no boundaries, we’re in denial or we let this happen. – None of this applies and is more damaging.
We weren’t in a relationship. We were attacked. – We need support in understanding and healing from the trauma caused by a sociopath. This is not bad break-up counselling.
Book one – or a few True Love Scam™ recovery sessions. Light Bulbs Go Off. Find Freedom.
5) Please – don’t even think about dating. Allow lots of time to recover. Dating now is a sure path to more of the same. Believe it.
Remember con artists, users and takers sense vulnerability.
Right now we’re more vulnerable than a newborn baby.
As we can – do things that soothe. – Avoid romantic music and “our song”. Go for care and nurturing. We gave up things we love doing during the con. – Start again as we’re able. Fall in love with ourselves.
A Sociopath Tells Us How To Break Up with Them
A real-live sociopath tells us how to get them gone:
“You may think the sociopath respects your boundaries, but the sociopath will not be sympathetic to your needs. The sociopath does not have or respect boundaries. The sociopath has his needs, and will fight to make sure they’re met.
You do not want to get into an all-out fight with a sociopath when the sociopath feels like his survival is threatened.
With a sociopath, the best thing to do is to make the breakup seem like it was his or her choice; poison the well so the sociopath willingly leaves.
Become a helpless, emotionless, reactionless burden. Start being contrary, without being openly defiant. Pretend you’re tired, sick, depressed, say you forgot your keys; be incompetent, but make everything seem like an accident. If the sociopath gets mad, say, “Sorry,” but don’t fight back. Say, “I don’t know what’s come over me.”
Have long phone conversations with…people the sociopath hates. In general, let yourself go completely…be as intolerable to live with as possible without being confrontational.
After about three months (give or take), the sociopath will be out of your life.
You should be in the clear after the sociopath has been gone 3 to 6 months. By that time the sociopath will not need you to satisfy any of his basic needs.” ~ Anonymous Sociopath
This is the reality of every sociopaths mind. Believe it. They hate us.
Use this hideous information. If we’re still living together become absolutely emotionless towards them. Turn off the faucet of giving, shut down – in a sense go no contact while they’re still there.
Leverage their needs, vanity, self-obsession and cold, emotionless heart to get them out. Remove the objects that come with us: money, cars, meal preparation, the internet, cable, errand running, credit cards.
Remember: to trust is human. We are good. We are gorgeous. We are normal. There’s nothing we could or should have done differently. – What we do now is in our hands. Find simple easy things to do to take care of our health and heal. Be safe.
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
Time to thrive!
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