What to Know About the Anger Stage of Grief

While people generally associate grief with sadness, anger is also a common reaction to grief. Someone who has lost a loved one may wonder why the loss happened and be angry at themselves, the world, the person who passed, or the circumstances.

Apart from the loss of a loved one, grief and anger may also be experienced at the loss of other things that were meaningful to the person, such as a lost relationship, job, or anything that ties to their identity, says Angeleena Francis, LMHC, Executive Director at AMFM Healthcare.

Here we explore anger as one of the five stages of grief. We also discuss the forms that anger may take and provide a few coping strategies that can be helpful for people who feel "stuck" in the anger stage of grief.

Overview of the Five Stages of Grief

In her 1969 book “On Death and Dying,” psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed that there are five stages of grief. Francis explains that the five stages of grief listed in the theory are:

1. Denial: In this stage, people act as if the loss did not occur. This is a natural defense mechanism the mind uses when the loss is so great that the brain is essentially too overwhelmed to begin the grieving process.
2. Anger: In this stage, people question why something occurred and express outward anger. This stage can be particularly difficult when the loss is unpredictable or blindsided the person. Anger is manifested as a control-seeking behavior and allows us to seek temporary control of our environment by asserting aggression to avoid feelings of helplessness.
3. Bargaining: Bargaining is used to seek hope when feeling hopeless. The bargaining stage of grief is motivated by an internal belief that our bad behaviors have somehow contributed to a negative consequence either directly or indirectly. We tend to seek understanding and control in an otherwise hopeless or helpless situation.
4. Depression: Depression is an evolved emotion from anger. Depression in grief typically drives anger and aggression. When we begin to feel depressed after a loss, we are actually moving through the stages of grief in a healthy way as we are allowing ourselves to feel more evolved emotions.
5. Acceptance: The acceptance stage of grief is the final stage, which is when we have experienced the other stages of grief, allowed ourselves to feel the weight of the loss, and found a way forward through more positive coping skills and acceptance of what we can control. Acceptance is not forgetting and does not mean a person has fully healed from a loss. Once we have obtained acceptance, we may still backslide into other stages from time to time. 

It's important to note that recent research shows that grief isn’t necessarily as linear or as neatly organized as this theory suggests. Everyone’s experience of grief is different because everyone reacts to loss differently.

Francis explains that the current understanding of this theory is that the stages are not unidirectional. You may experience grief in any order of stages, jump stages, or even repeat stages.

Characteristics of the Anger Stage of Grief

The anger stage of grief is characterized by certain emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Here are several to consider.

Emotions

Some of the emotions that a person may experience during the anger stage of grief include:

• Feeling impatient
• Irritability, frustration, or rage
• Loss of control
• Pessimism or cynicism
• Resentment

Thoughts

These are some examples of thoughts a person may have during the anger stage of grief, according to Francis:

• “This isn’t fair.”
• “Why is this happening to me?”
• “I am to blame for this” or “Someone is to blame for this”
• “How could God let this happen”
• “No one understands”
• “They deserve to pay”
• “I want revenge”

Behaviors

Francis also indicates that someone experiencing anger in the wake of a loss may be prone to:

• Being short-tempered and emotionally unstable
• Being verbally or physically aggressive
• Engaging in self-harm
• Neglecting their personal hygiene
• Using substances such as nicotine, alcohol, or drugs

Coping With the Anger Stage of Grief

Francis shares several strategies that can help a person cope with the anger stage of grief. They include:

• Allowing ourselves to feel the loss: Find an emotionally safe place, either with a supportive friend or alone, and allow ourselves to feel, cry, and think about the loss.
• Recognize underlying feelings: Feelings of sadness and being overwhelmed can easily manifest as irritability and anger. It’s important to identify and address the root cause of our feelings.
• Don’t ignore our feelings: Suppressing our feelings causes them to come out in less desirable ways, such as externalized anger toward others or internalized toward ourselves. We need to allow ourselves space to feel angry before the anger escalates to outward aggression.
  
• Find healthy ways to express emotions: If we are having trouble verbalizing our feelings, we can try expressing ourselves through art, journaling, poetry, or other non-verbal outlets. Meditation and yoga may also be helpful.
• Explore different perspectives: Thinking about the situation from various people's points of view can help us gain a better understanding of our own feelings and the feelings of others.
• Work on changing our cycle: There is a cycle of thoughts and outcomes: thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to behaviors, and behaviors circle back to our thoughts. Intercept one of these cycles to change our view of the situation or change our behavior, so we get a different outcome.

Summary

While grieving a loss, particularly if it was an unexpected one, we might find ourselves feeling extremely angry. Anger is a defense mechanism that helps us feel in control and avoid our helplessness and grief. However, it’s important to become more aware of our feelings and their underlying causes to cope with anger and come closer to accepting the loss, says Francis.